It's Time !

by FireFizz

A Curious Unicorn

(Canterlot, 8:00 am):

"Hi mom!" I shouted as i went downstairs.
My mother, Mystic Pearl, a beautiful unicorn with a bright red coat and a dark-blue striped mane and tail was sitting on the couch, reading a newspaper.

"Hi honey, how are you today?" She levitated her piece of paper on the table,then kissed me on the cheek."Want some breakfast?"

I put my hoof to my belly,than my chin."Mmmmh...I'm not hungry right now...I'll eat something later."

My mom seemed annoyed."Are you sure? I mean,you should eat your breakfast at the same hour everyday, to keep your--"
"Mom !" I stepped forward to the kitchen."I'm not a baby,remember ? I have almost 19 years old, now ! I can choose correctly what to eat at the right time !
I don't need you to teach me this anymore, you know..."I said as I opened the refrigirator with my magic and took an apple juice out of it.

"Ugh, I know, but you--*GASP*!

"Mh?What is it?"I said after swallowing the juice I had in my mouth.
I sucked up another mouthful of this delicious juice on my tongue, when my mom said:

"It's today...! You're going to Ponyville today !!!"

I spitted the juice out of my mouth, suddenly realising that the awesome thing that I forgot was effectively today, in a few hours.
I quickly recovered the juice with magic before it fell to the ground, and teleported it outside, spreading it on the grass.

"Dang ! How could I forget this!" I said as I ran to my room, already preparing my bag.

"But Honey, you don't have to hurry up like this ! It's only in few hours,and--"
"And I want to be at time at the train station !"

-------------------------------------------------

Since I lived in Canterlot, the only true and sure friend I had, besides my parents, was Twilight Sparkle. I was at the same school she was, but she was far too good...at magic, I mean, for me to follow.
Anyway, I wanted to see her again,now that she's a Princess,the Princess of Friendship, and now that she have a lot of new friends...That I would like to meet, too !

She offered me to stay for a little time at her castle.She said she had took a week off, that Princess Celestia accepted to let her do so.

And so I jumped on the occasion.

-------------------------------------------------

"So, you're ready now?"Asked my mom, biting her lip. She was sad at the idea that I had to go so soon.
11:09 am. I'm stressed. Why?
I missed something...

"Yes...I think that's all I need. Huuum...No, I forgot something."
I looked around me, looking if I could saw it.

"...What are you looking for, Fix'?"
I closed my eyes, frowning and ignoring the nickname my mother gave me, once more.

I concentrated my magic in my horn, preparing the spell.
"Honey, what are you looking FOR ??" She said again, more in an angry voice this time.

"Hur, mom... You'll find, be patient." I said. I was concentrated. Couldn't she saw this ?
I launched the spell.

-
I guess you're asking what is this spell? No ?
Ar, whatever.
-

My mom immediatly saw what I was looking for.
She had recognize the detection spell.

"It's in the attic." She said, with a really serious and calm tone, looking away.
"Gah ! Don't spoil ! I was trying to find it the fastest way... I'm never going to become better at magic !" I said, trotting to the stairs who brought to the attic.

I saw my mother rolling her eyes, smiling."You're going to become the BEST at magic, Honey. With those littles holidays at your princess's castle..."

My heart bumped my chest. The "your princess" was a little bit too much for explaining the way I-- Wait... Why am I telling this ?
Anyway.
I answered this sarcasm with a blush. How did she knew that? Oh. Of course. She is my mother.

As I entered the attic, I heard my mom downstairs.
"You should really find a way to fix this! This is starting to annoy me, you know ! Washing the floor again and again..."

Wh...What is she...oh. I forgot again. My magic.
"Sorry !..."
I had to control myself. My magic is based on water tricks and spells, so, if I don't concentrate, I can...huh... wet the ground.

"I recall you that you did the same with the juice before ! There was supposed to be juice on the floor, instead--"

"Instead there was WATER ! I know mom, I'm sorry !
And where in Tartarus is that -HA ! I found it !" I said victoriously, this time making sure I didn't drop water with levitating the object.

Back at the living room.
"How I am going to do this?..." I scratched my forehead, helplessly.

"Mooooom ?!" I shouted towards the kitchen.

"Yeeeees?" Said Pearl's indifferent voice.

"Do you know a size-changing spell? I don't remember if you do..."
"No, I don't ! Sorry honey, I'm not as powerful as you may ask !" She retorqued, smirking.

"Humpf... Great... " I looked at the clock."How am I going to-- HOLY CELESTIA!!! MOM ! We have to go, now !!!" I shouted, quickly improving a spell.

"Oh gosh...You're right !" My mom ran off to the garage as she mumbled something.
I heard her voice downstairs.
"Grab your bag, and hurry up, son ! We're leaving !" Said "Mrs. Stress".

Grabbing my bag with magic, i watched the ground below my hooves.
"Uh-oh...Water on the floor again... Hopefully I have to go..." I said, following my mom.
"I dunno how much time it will work...I don't really have the choice..."

"Honey ! Run ! We're laaate !..."
"'Coming !"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Canterlot's Train Station, 11:30 am):

-Departure in less than a minute !-

"Don't worry,mum, I'll be fine, I promess I'll send you a letter every.single.day."

In front of me I had a crying Mystic Pearl.

"But still... Be very careful and polite with Miss Sparkle, she's not only your friend, she's--"
"She's a Princess, I know this, mom.
Promess, I'll be careful. I may be curious, but I can still control myself, you know..." I winked at my mom.

-Departure in 15 seconds!-

"Oh ! I have to go now !" I said as I entered the train.

"I love you, Honey! Remember this !!..."

"I love you too, mom ! See ya' very soon !"

And so my mom waved a hoof as she watched the train leaving...to Ponyville.

I sat on one of the train's couches, looking at my bag as I said to myself:

"Her friends...the Elements of Harmony...I wonder what they look like..."

Then I raised my head,looking at the window.

"But I mostly wonder what she looks like..."

Author's Note:

Here it is, finally !
The first chapter !
I know,it's really short, but the second one will be MUCH longer, I swear.
Hope you enjoy it so far, but don't worry...
It's clearly not over ! ;)

If you have any remarks, especially on my bad english,...well...
Tell me, write it in comments,no hesitation !

So, see ya' next chapter!
Bye!
:D

Comments

[kuma2564]

I'm going to give you some advice before any trolls come along to ruin your day. Don't have in your summary its your first story. It's a bad idea from my experience...

[The Blessed One]

A french Broney named Lewis.... Now that is strange.

At least your OC has not made the following mistakes:

1: Being black and red, and/or just black.
2: Being an Alicorn.

Congratulations for avoiding those errors.

Unless of course he has a set of wings under the cape.

Edit after reading: Apart from your OC sounding Russian in a few part a can't complain. Have a like from the monk.

[Mr Minty Lightning]

So far I like it, a bit of punctuation errors and capitalization errors, but no biggy! keep it up!

[Blackguard]

A word of advice, asking people to be nice and saying it's your first story can often backfire on you. Now if you wrote a good story then a lot of that is forgiven. If you write a bad story, then the gloves come off and you'd better be prepared for a pummelling.

I don't have high hopes coming into this. Random OC goes to Ponyville, is considered special somehow, meets up with the Mane Six blah blah blah. It's been done countless times before. Your only real saving grace right now is that the color scheme of your OC and the fact that he's not an Alicorn. If he had been an Alicorn or red & black then you'd be in for trouble.

The good:
You didn't piss me off. It's not a great story but it's not overly stupid either. It's pretty much average but you do get bonus points for being French and wanting to write in English. C'est pas facile d'écrire dans une langue différent. Je parle Francais et je peut le lire mais mon Francais écrit n'est pas toujours bon. So for that you do get a pass on certain things. You would however benefit from speaking to an editor.

I like that you don't describe the mane and fur of your OC although you did describe that of the mother. It's a cliche that needs to die a slow and horrible death. Unless you're the kind of person that always describes what a person is wearing when you talk about them or think that what they're wearing is the most important thing, it's usually best to ignore this unless it plays a part in the story.

The bad:
Well, let's face it, dialogue is always hard to write. You need to place yourself into another mind when you do so and don't forget everybody has their own voice. So when it comes down to it unless you're conscious of it, you need to imagine your characters not only speaking the lines in question but you need to have them speak in their own way. The result if you don't is everybody sounding the same and that's not good.

Your structure and grammar need some help. Again, an editor will be good.

Beyond all that, the story is a little thin and you should consider trying to make the next chapters a little longer.

No thumbs up or thumbs down however. You need to earn them.

[FireFizz]

Ouch...
Thanks guys for helping me, I didn't know all those things and mistakes I did...
-BlackGuard: You're totally true, thanks.
Most of my errors are due to my native language, I think, and also the fact that I'm really bad with the English prononciation of certains word with certains accents...
And also I knew that the O.C. thing was...kinda lame and already done many and many times...

But for me it's just a base! Just a first experience to get myself discovering things...
...And receiving critics and support at the same time really helps me.

I really thanks you guys all for this, and I'll promise I'll do a better story next time !

I really need an editor...

[Blackguard]

5171826
No problem. You didn't act like a child when presented with how your story went so you don't get treated like one.

A word of advice, when you want to reply to somebody, use that little ">>" in the top right hand corner of the person's post. It flags them that you responded.

As for editors there are groups on this site that offer their services. One example is here: http://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors

Good luck.

[FireFizz]

5173691

Oh Yeah, thanks. Kind of forgotten it existed. :/
Gonna check the link you gave me !

Bye!