Hey !
Listen to the wonderful tale...of my life.
Nah.Just kidding.
I'm just talking about how I met the Elements of Harmony, besides Princess Twilight that I already knew.
I couldn't imagine how much she changed...
Anyway, this is my first story, so please don't be angry at me, I'm a beginner.
And forgive me about my poor english, I'm french, so it's kind of normal if I make any mistake.
Hope you'll enjoy !
Have a nice day ! Or night,whatever.
-FireFizz
(Cover image made with Pony Creator v.3)
Chapters (1)
I'm going to give you some advice before any trolls come along to ruin your day. Don't have in your summary its your first story. It's a bad idea from my experience...
A french Broney named Lewis.... Now that is strange.
At least your OC has not made the following mistakes:
1: Being black and red, and/or just black.
2: Being an Alicorn.
Congratulations for avoiding those errors.
Unless of course he has a set of wings under the cape.
Edit after reading: Apart from your OC sounding Russian in a few part a can't complain. Have a like from the monk.
So far I like it, a bit of punctuation errors and capitalization errors, but no biggy!
keep it up!
A word of advice, asking people to be nice and saying it's your first story can often backfire on you. Now if you wrote a good story then a lot of that is forgiven. If you write a bad story, then the gloves come off and you'd better be prepared for a pummelling.
I don't have high hopes coming into this. Random OC goes to Ponyville, is considered special somehow, meets up with the Mane Six blah blah blah. It's been done countless times before. Your only real saving grace right now is that the color scheme of your OC and the fact that he's not an Alicorn. If he had been an Alicorn or red & black then you'd be in for trouble.
The good:
You didn't piss me off. It's not a great story but it's not overly stupid either. It's pretty much average but you do get bonus points for being French and wanting to write in English. C'est pas facile d'écrire dans une langue différent. Je parle Francais et je peut le lire mais mon Francais écrit n'est pas toujours bon. So for that you do get a pass on certain things. You would however benefit from speaking to an editor.
I like that you don't describe the mane and fur of your OC although you did describe that of the mother. It's a cliche that needs to die a slow and horrible death. Unless you're the kind of person that always describes what a person is wearing when you talk about them or think that what they're wearing is the most important thing, it's usually best to ignore this unless it plays a part in the story.
The bad:
Well, let's face it, dialogue is always hard to write. You need to place yourself into another mind when you do so and don't forget everybody has their own voice. So when it comes down to it unless you're conscious of it, you need to imagine your characters not only speaking the lines in question but you need to have them speak in their own way. The result if you don't is everybody sounding the same and that's not good.
Your structure and grammar need some help. Again, an editor will be good.
Beyond all that, the story is a little thin and you should consider trying to make the next chapters a little longer.
No thumbs up or thumbs down however. You need to earn them.
Ouch...
Thanks guys for helping me, I didn't know all those things and mistakes I did...
-BlackGuard: You're totally true, thanks.
Most of my errors are due to my native language, I think, and also the fact that I'm really bad with the English prononciation of certains word with certains accents...
And also I knew that the O.C. thing was...kinda lame and already done many and many times...
But for me it's just a base! Just a first experience to get myself discovering things...
...And receiving critics and support at the same time really helps me.
I really thanks you guys all for this, and I'll promise I'll do a better story next time !
I really need an editor...
5171826
No problem. You didn't act like a child when presented with how your story went so you don't get treated like one.
A word of advice, when you want to reply to somebody, use that little ">>" in the top right hand corner of the person's post. It flags them that you responded.
As for editors there are groups on this site that offer their services. One example is here: http://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
Good luck.
5173691
Oh Yeah, thanks. Kind of forgotten it existed. :/
Gonna check the link you gave me !
Bye!