I never thought I was special in any way. Not until my whole life had been turned upside-down. Being the daughter of two of the most powerful beings pony kind has ever known was one thing, but the list of problems will only continue to grow with my family. And on top of that, after twelve years I still haven't discovered my cutie mark. Hopefully this family trip to Saddle Arabia will be enough to set this family straight. But, for both time lords and alicorns, where they go, trouble will always follow. My parent’s stories should have been the herald for my future. My name is Silver Star, and this is only the beginning of my story. The story of the one family that tore Equestria apart.
Co-writers—Arched Lightning and Funnybunny514
OC’s—Silver Star, Clockwork, Rosaline, and Buttercream Sundae by: Funnybunny514
Edited by—Arched Lightning and Funnybunny514
Cover Photo- Arched lightning.
Hi, would you like me to do a First Impressions Critique on your story? I normally critique new user's stories to help them better as a writer. You can look at some of my previous critiques, if you want.
4853294
Who are we to say no?
4854935 Alright, once I'm done with the current critique I'm working on, I'll begin working on yours. Normally it takes 1-2 days in order to finish one.
A Time Lord/Alicorn hybrid OC story? That doesn't suck? This story is truly unique. Seriously, this was written well.
However, there are some grammatical errors:
Sometimes "the Doctor" is not capitalized despite it being a proper noun
Capitalize the "i".
It should be "I'm".
Other than that, really looking forward to this story.
Forgot, you need the Crossover tag on this story. This is a Doctor Who/MLP crossover.
4855766
So far, she isn't even the main focus of the story, and she's decent enough in terms of personality.
Why an alicorn though? A unicorn would probably make more sense, assuming alicornness isn't genetic. If it is, then it would sort of make sense.
Btw, what are the species of Silver Star's siblings?
Lastly, is a Time Lord in this story able to regenerate into all three pony races, or is the Doctor limited to only earth pony-like bodies?
4855935
The problem with alicorn OCs is that while the writer thinks his/her character is interesting by virtue of being an alicorn, it's really not. There are loads of alicorn OCs on this site. Hundreds, and most of them suck.
A lot of writers assume that an alicorn is a free pass to "interesting" or "cool", but they fail basic grammar or storytelling, make the alicorn too perfect, weird coat color, stupid or tragic backstory, or too perfect.
Of course, there are good alicorn OCs, but so many of them out there, and nearly all of them are terrible, so by now most people on fimfiction associate alicorn OCs with mary-sues.
Personally, I hate the "Son of the Doctor" type characters, mostly because this is the first one written competently and isn't a blatant self-insert.
One problem I did notice is that Silver Star will probably get better treatment than her other siblings because she's an alicorn, while the other two are "normal" (or at least normal compared to her), and the attetion might result in sibling resentment.
Another is that in canon, being an alicorn is apparently something that one receives when the prove their worthiness (at least according to Cadence and Twilight's stories of becoming an alicorn). Seriously, Silver Star will defintely be seen as the "Good Sibling" in comparision to Clockwork and Rosaline. Seriously, them not feeling any resentment is either extremely good parenting, or something else I can't say without losing tact.
Overall, it's better written than most, but it still feels off. Needs conflict.
4855571
4855766
If it is not too late here I would like to get my ten cents in here if you know what I mean.
Trust me, I do know how you feel about the alicorn OC's. I feel the same way. But, during my time RPing with this one in particular, I have come to love Silver's character more and more. In my opinion, Silver seems a lot more like a Time Lord than an alicorn, but more on that later. And I do not see where you are coming from saying that Silver get's special treatment. From what I see that all three of the siblings are pretty much treated the same (except Rosaline, mostly because she is a lot older than Silver and Clockwork. She is in her early 20's if i am not mistaken. Don't worry no spoilers there.). Also, although I do agree that some conflict between the siblings is in order, I also believe that siblings can get along on their own. And on the topic of good parenting, I bet Twilight has a book on that one.
4859141
Okay, got it.
By special treatment, I meant by others outside of the royal family, elements of harmony, and royal staff. If the three of them ever went out on the streets, Silver Star might get better treatment because everyone immediately notices her alicorn princessness. Or not, it just seems like something that could happen at least once.
4860123
Actually, most forms of royalty have bloodlines that result in every child of the direct heirs of the throne to be a prince or princess, so in the case of death, the line of succession is not destroyed.
While this is not a human royalty thing, it doesn't make sense that the three siblings don't have any title or chance of becoming royalty.
Unless Equestria works as a meritocracy, where to prove your worthiness you need to ascend. But since Silver Star cannot ascend because she's already an alicorn, if Equestria is a meritocracy, then Silver Star cannot become royalty, but Clockwork and Rosaline can.
4860247
Okay, just wanted to point out some potential plot holes. Have a nice day!
I finished. Link to the critique can be found here.
I legitimately did not expect it to take me this long to create it, but apparently a new year of school can really block up your schedule from things you would rather want to do.
4855556 I posted a response to you're critique as a blog post so it wouldn't take up too much room in the comment section. Whenever you feel like giving it a quick read, the link is right here.