The Why of Pie

by Blank Slate

The Games Begin

Disclaimer- I do not own any character in this story excluding Roundhouse, Halfshell, and Fine Print. All rights to characters are copyright Hasbro/Lauren Faust/whomever currently owns them. Same with the adorable art with Pinkie Pie in her outfit. Anypony finds out who did it, please tell me so I may credit them. Furthermore, please tell me should you find spelling or punctuation mistakes.

[NOTE: Obvious FF7 reference, but it was totally necessary.]

The ship's bell rang twice as it nosed into Neighppon's southernmost dock. Three ponies trotted onto the sandy shore, followed by a plump baby dragon. The three equines went about yawning and stretching and rubbing their eyes, but the dragon rocked on his side, his purple scales now a notable shade of green.

"I-I dunno which is worse... that ride, or the fact that there's no gems... Oooohhh..."
"Oh no, Spike, you are not going to be sick the second we make land. What would the native ponies think of us if the first thing they see is you throwing up fire all over the shore?"

Roundhouse came to Spike's defense. "You'll find that the locals, the Japonies, are quite inviting to all dragonkind. We have a long history with both dragons and seasickness, so just try to control your flames so you don't burn anypony, okay?"
"O-Okay... Blaaargghh!"

Holding his stomach, the dragon vomited forth emerald flames, turning the sand beneath him to glass. A second heave brought forth purple smoke, which coalesced into a sealed scroll. Spike flopped onto his back as Twilight grabbed the scroll, tearing it open clumsily without her magic.

"Oh dear, right through the Princess' name.... Ahem!

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

As much as I approve of your journey, I have to wonder if you have thought it all through. This great journey you are undertaking brings to mind some questions. The one that comes to me first is the question of what Ponyville will do without you. It seems not even a week can go by without some problem springing up for you six to solve. I'll appoint some guards in the town to cover for you, but I can't guarantee they'll do a satisfactory job for you.
Secondly, I would like to know how your friends plan on communicating with you while you're away. Without Spike acting as a relay in Ponyville, messages can only be sent one way. Luna and I just don't have the time to send messages from your friends everytime they wish to tell you something. I'm sorry, but we simply can not help in this matter.
My final question is reserved for Ms. Pie. I'm sure you're reading this part aloud, so will you please give her the letter? Oh, er, right. Here, Pinkie Pie."

Twilight rolled the scroll up and tossed it to Pinkie. She unfurled it and began reading silently, her grin fading to a look of boredom. After she finished, she casually flicked the scroll into the ocean, watching it bob in the waves. "Ugh, I know she's a super busy princess and everything, but that was just sooooo boring! Why can't she just make her letters fun? You know, add balloons, some glitter, ooh! Ooh! She should mail them with a mail cannon!"
"Pinkie Pie, there's nothing wrong with a good, old-fashioned letter. Anyhoo, Roundhouse, what will we do now?"

The muscular stallion stared down the length of his snout at her, eyes sparkling mischievously. He set one big hoof into the air, focusing the small amount of caloric energy his body still retained into a usable form. When the energy was ready, Roundhouse snapped at a spot in the air, pulling a white karate-style gi from nowhere. "That's Master Roundhouse to you now, missy, and we're gonna walk!"

He waved at a large purple mountain, pointing out a pinprick of darkness near the top. "My house is way up there, and that's where your combat training will begin. However, you need to be taught the basic tenets of Shugakain first. Spike, when you're feeling well enough, I need a letter taken, address it to a pony named Halfshell. Tell her we need the full use of her kitchens."

From his position on the ground, the retching dragon held up a thumbclaw half-heartedly.

* * * * *

"A-hem! Big Macintosh, ya mind givin' this a read-through before I get it all spick 'n' span fer the Cakes?"
Applejack sat uncomfortably in front of the typewriter, feeling as if the two keys on it were staring deep into her. Ever since Granny Smith bought the confounded thing for the challenge, Applejack knew the machine had a grudge against her. The two stamps had somehow jammed the first time she pressed a key, and despite the typewriter's magical mind-reading design, the first word to appear was "hate." Four minutes into her first idea, Applejack's newly straightened mane was caught rather painfully in the cogs and springs in the belly of the wretched machine. And if all that weren't enough, Applejack knew nothing at all of her topic, nor how to start writing. Writer's block can be overcome with thought, but what if one has no thought to give on the matter?

The red stallion flicked his eyes in her direction, his saturnine expression never changing. "Nnnope. Don't mind."
He heaved his enormous frame from his favourite chair, booming steps echoing as he slowly plodded to the would-be novelist. He glanced at his sister sidelong, seeing the nervous expression she wore before setting his eyes on the loose pages to her side. With speed that defied his normally slow paced lifestyle, he scanned through her writings, flipping pages faster than the typewriter had released them.

"Mmhmm. Eeyup. Yep. Uh-huh."
"Well? How's it so far?"
Big Mac re-read every page to make sure he understood, sometimes leaning in close to make out the slightly splotchy characters. After two minutes more, he cleared his throat before delving into his summary and verdict of the story.

"Nnnope."

Applejack flipped her forelegs up in disgust. "Aw, is it really that bad? Ah mean, really?"
"Eeyup."
"Well, that's fantastic... Thanks fer bein' honest, Big Mac."
"Eeyup."
"Any advice you could give me?"
"Fer starters, yer character here just don't add up. What in the hay's a farmer doin' in Manehattan all by her lonesome? Ah know they say 'Write what ya know,' but that's just silly to go on an' quote yer life. Next off, the entire settin' thus far has been purty static. Ten pages in, an' we still ain't off that street corner. This section right here, well, this'n just ain't important yet. Ah don't think none o' the readers are gonna care much about her past if they ain't even got a clue what her name is. On the lighter side, Ah think you got all yer grammar an' spellin' right, an' it's not that badly written. You jus' need a different story to write is all. Keep at it."

Applejack just stared as Big Macintosh laughed a deep, booming laugh, making his deliberate way back to the chair. Deciding not to comment on his sudden verbal outpouring, she replaced the paper in the mechanical menace and began plotting new ideas. Two hours further, one sentence adorned the crisp white page. I am not a writer.

*
"It was horrible, Opal! Absolutely horrible! I'm a laughingstock now, and not for being funny!"
Rarity was in her fluffiest robe, a monstrosity of pinkness and fuzz, sobbing maniacally on her silk sheets. Mascara ran down her face in streams as she vented, confiding in her pet cat in a momentary lapse of judgment.
"Oh, you're so lucky you have no friends, Opal! Nopony to hold you to bets because 'You're the generous one, surely you wouldn't mind giving away every single working day you have to play a clown for those beastly little fillies!'"

The uncaring cat merely rolled her eyes, resisting her urge to claw at the hoof that fed her. For three hours, Rarity had been wailing in the plushly padded room, hooves encircling either her pet or a plus size box of DramaQueen brand tissues. It had all started out wrong, and got worse as the day progressed. For the sixth time in Celestia knows how few minutes, Rarity narrated the disastrous party to the unmoved feline

"I-It was the ugliest thing I ever designed, Opal! And I had to wear it all day! I won't *sniffle* won't tell you how many times I tripped on the way there, and I nearly broke half the bones in my foreleg when I fell right into the Rich family's front gate! I was mortified- mortified I say!- when the gate swung open and that pink furred abomination sneered at me in her spoilt little voice, 'A clown doesn't mean a dope, and you're late! You'd better be funny!'

"I tried my best to be witty and charming, honey, I really did, but there was just no impressing her or her snooty little friends! I told them about all the weird and unusual ponies that buy from me, of all the uproarious pranks Pinkie Pie plays, even about that poor brown-coated fellow who got trapped in that blue box with Derpy for six hours, but they didn't laugh! Not a single little chuckle, and it was terrible! I can never show my face in Ponyville again! I'm so pathetic!"

Opal hopped off the bed, making her way for a battered old drawing desk. Making sure the bawling unicorn wasn't looking, Opal turned to this week's calendar page, ticking off a box labelled, in a very crude, quill-in-paw way, "Diva moment."

*
Three quick kicks flew right over Fluttershy's head, making her mane blow back partially. She was cowering on the floor, trembling and crying silently while her opponent scratched the back of his head with a hoof, embarrassed.
"Um, Horsepower, sir? I told her I'd miss intentionally, but she still ducked... I feel kinda bad now... I-Is it alright if I just go shower and be done for the day?"
"YEEAAHHHH!"

The tremendous white pegasus brought a hoof down on the table, breaking it to splinters as though it were made from playing cards. His tiny wings fluttered and he slowly raised into the air, hovering towards Fluttershy's quaking frame. He knelt forward, confused, and put on his quiet voice.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!? HE SAID HE WOULD MISS! THAT IS NO REASON TO CRY LIKE A LITTLE FUZZY BABY!"
"Um, I-I-I er, that is..."
Fluttershy squeaked, her one reaction to extreme fear that didn't involve tears. Nervously, she looked up and met his beady red eyes. All that any being would ever find in them was malice of the darkest variety, a pure hatred at the entire universe for existing. The pure anger that radiated from his eyes could have put down an army of the most seasoned soldiers, and all this red-hot hate was aimed straight at Fluttershy. She panicked and retreated into her happy place, unconsciously uttering a simple rhyming phrase.

"You terrorize, I brutalize!"

She immediately broke away, turning to face him with a smile that would haunt anypony who saw it for weeks.

From where his head protruded through the boxing ring's ropes, Horsepower could only see the ceiling of his gym. He didn't ask exactly why he was still alive, nor ponder how his neck had been twisted at such an absurd angle, nor did he question why the pale pegasus' eyes turned even more crimson than his own. He didn't even wonder how it took all of three seconds for Ponyville's number one male athlete to get thoroughly annihilated by the delicate little animal lover. The one thing he questioned was why she was apologizing so profusely and pulling him loose from the padded chain links.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, Mister Horsepower! I-I don't know what came over me! Um.. I can pay you for any, um, hospitalization you might need. Oh, Fluttershy, you've done it this time!"
"THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE! YOU NEED TO TEACH ME TO FIGHT LIKE THAT!"
"But, I don't like fighting! That wasn't even me! That was nasty old New Fluttershy that did that to you! I-I didn't want to hurt you or anything, I'm just trying to become more bold! I don't want to hurt anypony, I just... I can't ... I'm sorry!"

Spreading her wings wide, Fluttershy flew out of the gym, leaving Horsepower to straighten his own neck out. He took a small pencil from a stand nearby, heading to a notepad and scribbling his thoughts, unintentionally muttering them at a volume that could kill small mammals.
"FRILLY PINK MANED PEGASUS EQUALS CRAZY! NOTE TO SELF: BUY LOZENGES!"

*

"...So, what you're saying is that I may not argue with the judge?"
"Correct, you may not."
"...Can I growl angrily at the judge?"
"No, that carries a fine of twelve bits."
"Grrr... Is there any way I can show that high and mighty judge what I think of him in the middle of a trial?"
"No, Miss Dash, I'm not even going to explain to you why you can't do that. Leave all opinions of the judge, jury, and the other lawyers outside of the courtroom, thank you!"

Fine Print looked down from her lectern at Rainbow Dash, clearly annoyed at the repeated questioning from the athlete. All through the class Rainbow had kept up an incessant stream of questions, and the day had only been about titles.
"So, the jury ponies, we can't talk to them individually?"
"Can I call the judge 'bub?'"
"Could I take a nap break instead of a ten-minute recess?"
"If I'm the prosecutor and he's the bailiff, and she's the defendant, who gets to be the executioner?"

Canterlot's most renowned lawyer slunk back in her chair, taking a quick nip from a flask of cider and sighing before Rainbow Dash could impose another ridiculous question on her. Throughout her life, all of Fine Print's students were serious, boring unicorns who had wanted to be serious, boring lawyer unicorns, much like Print herself. And then Rainbow Dash arrived, as though to say to Fine Print, "Yes, you can make it those last six months to retirement! You can BWAHAHAHA! I can't keep this joke up; here's a good boot in the flank for thinking your retirement would be easy!" Fine Print polished her glasses magically while Rainbow flapped out of her seat, raising a hoof.

"Ooh! Ooh, pick me! Pick me!"
"Rrrr... what could it possibly be, Miss Dash!?"
"What actually counts as a crime here in Canterlot?"
"RRAHHH!"

With a resounding crash, Print's personalized copy of Canterlot Common Law, 8th revised edition sailed through the back of Rainbow's chair.
"There! Read that and learn, or is that too difficult for you? Gah! I'm off to the pub, you can all just figure it out on your own!"

Rainbow looked around sheepishly at the two dozen unicorns that glared at her.
"Eh-heh... Um, sorry about that... I, uh, I think I'll just get started on this book..."
She picked up the enormous tome and dragged it into a saddlebag before taking flight, mindful of the looks of hate emanating from the students shuffling out from the classroom door.

*

Five hours later, they met up at Sugarcube Corner. Gathered around a pink, cloth bedecked table, the six ponies looked between them, four wearing looks of immense disappointment. The two remaining ponies, both bakers, looked from one to the next. Carrot Cake spoke up first.
"So, girls, how was the first day of Pinkie Pie's challenge?"
"Dull..."
"Wretched!"
"Frightening..."
"Officious."
Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy all looked at Rainbow Dash. "What? I know some big words. Anyways, my point is that being a lawyer has too many rules. You can't tell anypony off. You can't smack the other guy in the face. You can't even show any emotion for Pete's sake! I don't know what Pinkie Pie was thinking when she gave me this stupid challenge!"

Cup Cake slid a tray of cookies between the four, motioning for Applejack to start her narration. "Thanks kindly, Mrs. Cake. My day was, as Ah said, dull. First idea Ah come up with, an' it turns out it was just the story of me gettin' these here apples on my rump." Her back leg kicked up, hovering over her cutie mark.
"Really? You never told us you met a colt while in Manehattan, and at such a young age, too?"
"No, Rarity, Ah didn't get past chapter one. Big Macintosh said ta write what Ah know, but besides what our sisters and Scootaloo pulled on Hearts an' Hooves day with him an' Cheerilee, none o' this generation of the Apple Family has had any luck in the whole romance field."

Her three friends turned to each other, confused. "Uh, AJ? We knew that already. I think a novel isn't supposed to be the story of your life."
"Rainbow's right, Applejack. The point was to come up with a story, not to relate any such escapade you've had."
"Um, yeah... besides that, I think a made-up story would be better. All of Twilight's nonfiction romances always end up with somepony being executed or something..."

The farmer sighed, grabbing a cookie from the platter and biting down on it, speaking with her mouth full. "Ah guesh yer right, but shtill- Mmm... s'good cookies. Still, though, where in the hay will Ah get some inspiration?"
Fluttershy also reached for the cookie plate, snapping the last one away before Rainbow could get to it. "I'm not sure where you'll get your story, Appleja- Oh, my, these are nice. Er, I'm not sure where you'd find a good romance story, and I can't help you. I need to find a new hoofboxing teacher before tomrrow..."

Rainbow cast Fluttershy an annoyed glare, nicking a cupcake from a nearby shelf. "You two think you have problems? I think I just made the greatest lawyer in Canterlot quit her day job, and all I have left to learn from is this mountain of a book!" She dropped the thick tome on the table, resulting in a booming crash that shook her friends from their seats. "Fer lands sakes, Rainbow! How'd you even fly here with a book the size o' that one in yer bags?"
"It wasn't easy, I'll tell ya that. Had to jump into a gale just to get to the Ponyville city limits."

Fluttershy, now recovered from the violent quake, scooped herself from the floor, examining the book. "Wow, Rainbow... I hope the weather team can handle you being gone for so long. I don't think even Twilight could finish this in two months!"
"An' what's that supposed to mean, huh? Are you saying I can't read as fast as her?"
"No, no, not at all. I'm saying that she'd have more free time without classes to attend... if that's okay..."
"Oh, er, right. Sorry."

Applejack cleared her throat. "Good. Now that we have that settled, Rarity, howsabout you tell us how yer day went?"
The fashionista shuddered, waving for more sweets from the Cakes. She launched into her tale, giving massive sweeps of her white legs as she recounted every failed jest. The trays of food piled around her, emptied as soon as they were placed. Rarity drove through her short but horrifying tale, making all the appropriate gestures and expressions when appropriate. After five minutes of overly dramatic storytelling, she capped it off by conjuring a couch in the middle of the bakery, swooning elegantly onto it with a few last words.

"And then, that horrid little pony, Diamond Tiara, had me thrown out with a fusillade of pies! The sheer indignity! Oooohh!"
"Uh, Rarity? Foals are horrible, and really, I think even Twilight would've made a better clown."
Rarity leapt from her sofa, her eyes formed into slits. "Rainbow Dash, how dare you suggest for even a second that anypony could be a better clown than moi!" Applejack pushed the two apart, growing tired of her role as den mother for the remaining group. "Rarity, Ah think yer goin' about this the wrong way. Yer tryin' ta be funny, instead of, well, silly. Clowns aren't fancy stand-up comics, they're not witty or classy or nothin'. They're just... silly. An' Rainbow, Yer not havin' much luck either, so be nice!"

Fluttershy raised a hoof, patiently waiting for her turn to speak while Applejack continued. "Ah'll admit, not a bit of what I've done has been much use ta anypony, but Ah'm not gonna complain. So far, it looks like Fluttershy here has been winnin' this here little contest, so let's all hear what she has ta say. Go on, Fluttershy, say yer piece." The pegasus set her hoof on the table, taking a remaining cookie from Rarity's many comfort food plates.

"I had almost no luck either today, to be honest. That Horsepower guy, he's scary... I couldn't move during practice, and he scared me a little too much... I went a little, you know, New Fluttershy on him..."
Rarity's white coat turned even whiter as she gasped, much to the bemusement of their friends. Rainbow tapped a hoof idly on the table. " 'New Fluttershy?' "
"Yes... Remember that week when you and Applejack had to go back to Appaloosa because of the storms? Pinkie Pie and Rarity taught me to be assertive then, but I got bad advice from somepony else, a minotaur named Iron Will. I turned just horrible to everypony in town! I was just so mean to everyone that I got Angel to tie me up, but after Iron Will came to my cottage to get his fee, I was alright. Or, at least I thought so. Now, when I get too mad or too scared, I blank out and New Fluttershy hurts somepony or breaks something..."

Rarity at this point had recovered her breathing, and questioned her. "But, I thought she was gone!"
"Not gone, just... hidden." She shivered, munching slowly on the cookie. Rainbow had had enough of the drama and regret, slapping a cookie into her own mouth.
"Yeah, Fluttershy, that's great, but what happened to Horsepower?"
Fluttershy stepped outside, tossing a gold bit to a newsagent. She stepped back into the shop with a newspaper in her mouth. The front page made everypony gasp and caused Cup Cake, who had just walked in, to faint in an undignified heap. The stallion on the front of the paper had his neck turned as though a bear had mauled it. Rainbow's eyes dilated as she looked at the picture, surprised more by the number of paramedics hauling him into the carriage than his injury.

"Wow, you did that? Geez..."
"I-I didn't try to! I just need a nicer teacher."
Applejack pointed in the direction of her barn. "As Ah said before, sugarcube, Big Mac knows how to buckbox. Just ask him sometime. Y'know what? Ah'll take ya ta see him later today, okay?"
"Okay, if you're sure he can teach me."
"He can, Ah'm sure. Rarity, you an' Rainbow oughta work together. R.D., teach her ta prank, and Rarity, teach her ta be civil in court, okay?"
"I'd love to, Applejack, but why help us if you're competing with us?"

Applejack grinned, pulling her hat over her eyes and strolling out from the shop. "Because, wouldn't it just wallop Twilight to see a silly Rarity, a civilized Rainbow, a fightin' Fluttershy, an' me bein' a novelist? Wouldn't her face be priceless? C'mon, Fluttershy, you got lessons to start." The pegasus glanced at her friends before nervously flapping her wings, trailing behind the farmer at a slow hover.

Rarity and Rainbow now sat alone with Cup Cake's unconscious form, each more concerned with the contest than the baker in the middle of the floor. Rarity clicked her front hooves together after a time, brushing a purple lock from her face. "Well, Rainbow, I see no other way we can succeed without each other's assistance. I've served on a few juries, so I know the protocol that's called for in a royal court. I assume you and Pinkie Pie know how to get children to laugh?"
"You bet we do! I may be good, but Pinkie's the Element of Laughter, so don't expect me to be perfect, alright?"
"And don't you expect me to know all of how a proper attorney should behave, agreed?"

The two friends smacked their front hooves together, stirring Cup Cake from the floor. "Deal!"
Carrot Cake, now finished with an order, took his recovering wife into one of the back rooms, calling over his shoulder, "Girls! I don't really think you should stay much longer, you might wake the foals! Besides that, we're pretty busy today, and with Cup Cake still a bit... woozy... I can't have any distractions, alright?" He flicked a hoof towards the door, his eyebrows lowering the closest to anger they could. Rarity chuckled nervously, scribbling a signature onto the bill on top of the most recent plate of pastries, and dragging Rainbow out the door after her.

"Right. Rule number one, don't get kicked out like we just did. I can't think of anything more important for you to know in a court, except maybe- Of course! Come, Rainbow, it's makeover time!"
"No! No, no, no, a million times no! I mean, what does fashion even have to do with the legal system!? Hey, what- Lemme go!"
The rainbow-maned mare put on her grumpy face as she was once again dragged bodily to the Carousel Boutique, floating behind Rarity.
"You know, Rare, I'm thinking about filing a kidnapping claim against you, maybe really test my lawyer skills..."

* * * * *

Massive bamboo plants pointed skyward, the blunted points providing jumping spots for treebound rodents of infinite variety. A small stream gurgled happily as small fish swam through it. Every few paces, a massive, sunset-lit tree loomed over the dirt road, casting great, sweeping shadows for yards. All the wonderful forest scenery was completely wasted on Twilight Sparkle, who was now dragging her back hooves in the dirt behind her. Given her more-than-sufficient size, the two hour trot through the coarse road had punished her severely. "Next... huff... time... I'm teleporting!"
With an accentuated sigh, she collapsed forward, speaking into the earth. "Go on without me, everypony, I'll catch up!"
"No need for that, I can see Halfshell's restaurant from here!" Roundhouse pointed to a small brown building in a clearing up ahead, a small plume of smoke coiling up from the chimney.

"We're about ten minutes away now, Twilight! Five if we gallop! C'mon, push through the pain barrier!"
"Yeah, Twilight! You've gotta fight for it if you really want it!" Pinkie chimed unhelpfully.
Twilight pounded the ground in front of her angrily. It made no sense that Roundhouse and Pinkie were still so hyper after the monotonous trek, but then, she realized, they hadn't carried a seasick baby dragon on their backs for two hours.

"Hey, can one of you take Spike for me? He's really weighing me down." Pinkie Pie nodded, flipping Spike up onto her back, at which point he retched again, charring a wall of bamboo plants. "Bleargh! P-Pinkie Pie, not so rough..."
"Oopsie! Sorry, Spike... Hey, why are you still sick? We've been on land for hours now!"
"Dragons live much longer than ponies do; everything goes slower for us. Seasons, events... sicknesses... The only thing I can think of that won't slow down is hunger. Uh, Master Roundhouse? You're positive that there's not even a little peridot somewhere around here? Hey, where'd he go?"

Further down the path, the three friends could barely make out Roundhouse's form as it sped towards the squat building. Pinkie shrugged, piling nearby grass into a cushion for Spike to rest on. "Don't worry, guys! We can catch up later; ya wanna take a break?" Twilight rolled onto her back, panting and nodding. Spike mumbled his consent, shifting uncomfortably off Pinkie's back while she unpacked the last of the confections from her bag. Once Twilight was rested, Pinkie set a small blue-iced cupcake in front of her.

"There ya go! You look hungry after all that walking!"
"I really am, but didn't I come here to lose weight?"
"Yeah, but you need energy to burn first! Eat up, or you won't be able to practice with us, and if you don't practice, you'll never lose any weight, and then you'll become this big giant Twilight-balloon!"
"Pinkie, I don't think it's going to go that far if I don't practice."
"Give yourself time..."

Twilight stretched onto her back, munching thoughtfully on the pastry. With the general energy level down to plain ol' Pinkie, she had a lot more quiet to think with. "Pinkie Pie, can I ask you some questions?" The party pony poked her in the stomach childishly. "I think you just did! But no, really, go ahead." With that, she lay on her stomach, head held on her hooves. "Ha ha, hilarious. Okay, question one, what did the Princess' letter say to you?"
"Nothing you wouldn't expect a princess not to say. 'Write letters, keep Twilight safe, blah blah blah."
"Keep me safe?"
"Well yeah! Without your magic, do you think you could really handle yourself in a fight?"
"Hey! What makes you think I can't?"
"Twilight, you can't even write your own name by hoof; you'd be next to useless if a brawl broke out!"

The unicorn turned to Spike, silencing him with a glare. "Be that as it may, I bet I could hold my own in a fight."
Pinkie wiped her mouth with the back of a hoof, getting onto her hindlegs. "Wanna do a little sparring to find out?" Twilight turned slightly pale at the idea. "No, no, no. I've seen what you're capable of. Besides, I have more questions."
"Oh, well, that works too."
"Glad to hear it. Let's see... How did you meet Master Roundhouse?"

Pinkie's eyes rolled up in thought. "It was, um... carry the two... around fourteen years ago. After I left my family's rock farm, I sorta just wandered around the Idahoof countryside, doing odd jobs and getting an apprenticeship at a bakery. It was an okay place, but Sugarcube Corner's just so much better! I mean, the roof looks like gingerbread and a sundae and so much yummy stuff! Er, anyways, I worked as a waitress and maybe made the morning breadsticks or a croissant once in a while. Nothing special. One day, a Japony stallion in a cloak came in, asking for something sweet to eat. I don't know if you've been there, but Idahoof only has potato bread. I mean, a lot of potato bread, and none of it was ever that sweet. I was told not to disappoint a customer if I could help it, so I just threw whatever sweet things I could into the dough. I ended up making these weird looking potato cookies! Can you believe it? Cookies, made from potatoes! They were just so ugly, I thought about throwing them away, when the guy in the cloak asked if I could hurry his order. He had somewhere urgent to get to, so I had to give him the cookies. He took one and looked it all over, and ate it! Just like that! I started untying my apron and telegraphing the paramedics to come save him from food poisoning when he said they were the best cookies he'd had in years! He said he was a professional chef and martial arts instructor, and said I should become his apprentice in Neighppon.

"I was so excited, I threw a party for myself! He came by and introduced himself as Roundhouse, and said that my baking skills could help him with his martial arts training. If I gave him the recipe for the cookies, he'd give me a few lessons, and I said yes. And so I left to Neighppon with my new Master, trained for nine years, and moved to Ponyville to make some friends. And two years later, you show up!"

Twilight was now sitting up, listening with interest at every word. "So, you met in a bakery, then he took you to learn to bake, and now you live in a bakery? Does your life revolve around making ponies like me fat?" Pinkie giggled at this proposition. "No, silly filly! I like making everypony smile! Baking's just a hobby, like my Shugakain! Any other questions you wanna ask?"
"Hmmm... Do you ever visit the rock farm any more? Or does the rest of the Pie family come t- Pinkie?"
The bubblegum-coloured mare's mane had fallen totally straight, as though a pane of glass had become fibrous. Her bubbly smile was now an awkward grimace "The, uh, the rock farm's been gone for a few years. The other Pies do visit occasionally, but the time between visits gets longer every time."
"Your farm is gone? What happened?"
"My dad didn't have a perfect memory, or even that good of one. He forgot common knowledge easily. My sisters say that after I left, it was crop rotation time. We moved the granite over a field, the sandstone, all that... He forgot flint makes sparks when you strike it with something, and the coal field was placed near the flint. Inkie and Blinkie said we lost the entire Pie family farm when somepony tripped and their horsehoes struck the flint field..."

Twilight trotted slowly to her friend, putting a comforting hoof around her shoulders. "Wow... I had no idea that happened to your family... I'm sorry, Pinkie."
"Don't be. I'm not crying about it, I'm just kinda... weirded out by it. I mean, our rock farm burned down. Rocks don't burn, do they? I still find it too silly to believe, but I went back to Idahoof one day, and they were right. Everything was just... gone."

"I can imagine that being strange and hard to understand, but you taught me, Pinkie, that some things just happen without any sort of reason. Your family's rock crops burning down is one of those things. Rocks don't just ignite like that. May I ask what happened to your family?" Pinkie nodded, cheering up slightly. "Sure. They all got away safely, and Dad scavenged the fields after the fire died down. A small amount of the gold crop survived, so while our parents worked on building a new house, Inkie and Blinkie moved away. Inkie lives over in Las Pegasus now, and Blinkie moved to Trottingham with some guy she met. My parents are still in our hometown, and the new house is looking nice. We don't have all the crop money we used to have, though, so it's a bit small for them."

Spike, who had been sleeping, awoke with a start. He looked left and right at the chatting mares before panicking. "I'm lost! No, we're lost! We're going to starve- I'll never see another gem again! Oh no... Rarity! Oh will she get by when she hears we starved to death in a dark, dreary forest in another country? Oh, how did this happen!?" Whap! Whap! Twilight slapped him with her tail, restoring his focus and sanity.
"Spike, we're not lost. Master Roundhouse is waiting up in that restaurant just ahead. Now, it's getting late, and it looks like there's an inn over there we can sleep at. I'll go collect Roundhouse and see if I can postpone the training in the restaurant for tomorrow, okay?"

Pinkie, her mane now refluffed, began bouncing towards the restaurant, calling out over her shoulder, "I'll take care of him, you two go get us a room or two, okie dokie lokie?"
"Alright, we'll go make the reservations! See ya there!"
"Uh, Twilight, what's up?"
"Nothing, but I think I tapped a little too deep into Pinkie's mind. She just needs some sugar or something to get her back to normal, so give her some time."
"Uh, okay... I can tell you're not saying something, but I'm not gonna ask."
"Sorry, Spike. Pinkie's acting even stranger than normal right now, and her moods are changing much too quickly. I'm just thinking. Oh, Spike, can any fire you're aware of burn rocks?"
"No, I don't think so. Now, can we go rent a room and sleep? I have no idea how it got so late, and you have work to do tomorrow, so let's move."

Twilight just laughed at the grumpy dragon, turning to wait for Roundhouse and Pinkie Pie. Her wait took little time, as the duo appeared out of thin air just before her, scaring her into falling backward. "Aah! Stop doing that, you two!"
"Sorry, Twilight, but you were thinking and Master Roundhouse said it'd be fun to surprise you- and it was, hahaha!"
Roundhouse shook with laughter, shaking his head. "Miss Sparkle, as much as I respect your introspection, and love making ponies work at sundown, I have to concede that Spike's right; it's too late to think, or even to train. You don't have the sugary energy to stay up as late as Pinkie Pie and I can, so let's all go get some shut-eye."

Thinking of nothing else to say, Twilight strode off to the inn with the two Earth ponies, determined to figure Pinkie out in the morning. Unknown to her, four other ponies would have surprising mornings as well.

* * * * *

It was still two hours to sundown in Ponyville, and Rarity was determined to make them count. Opalescence the cat sat on a chair in front a small cardboard box-turned-stage Rarity had set up, clawing at the excessively long curtain ends that trailed near her. Magically amplified, the white unicorn's voice boomed out: "Presenting the latest in upper-class business wear for the pegasus moderne, Rainbow 'Danger' Dash!"

The curtains glowed blue before retracting, revealing Rainbow in an even more uptight looking ensemble than before. Thin rectangular glasses were perched on her nose, the empty lens slots fooling no one. A brown coat was perched on her back, cyan wings punching through holes and outstretched proudly. A thin white shirt lay underneath, the collar constricting fashionably around her neck. A fine silk tie hung down between shirt and coat, only the knot remaining visible. An imported briefcase had been rushed in moments ago, and now stood on end at Rainbow's side. The entire outfit put Rarity in hysterics.

"Oh, this is magnificent, Rainbow! I say, this is honestly my best work to date! Just look at how professional you appear!" Rarity wheeled in a mirror, and what Rainbow saw made her scream at a glass-shattering pitch. She hovered above Rarity, wings flapping dust clouds and papers around. "A stallion's clothes? Really!? You dress me up as a guy to look good? Rarity, I'm tomboyish, sure, but not a flippin' stallion!"

Rarity's response floored her.

"Yes, but this is just so fitting for you: Rainbow Dash, Attorney at Law! Yes, sounds stallion-like to me!"
"Ughh! Give me classy clothes that won't get me ridiculed! Ooh, you are so going to get it tomorrow when it's prank training time!"

* * * * *

Fluttershy's pale yellow coat was marked with scuffs, dirt, and many small scratches, but the normally timid pegasus did not care. Without a sound, she feinted with a kick before twisting her body as Big Macintosh had taught her, swivelling on one hoof and giving him a firm strike to the ribs. The massive farmer didn't even blink at Fluttershy's attack, but moved back a good two inches from the force. He was impressed at how determined the shy mare had become during her training, a direct contrast to her typical manner. Perhaps, he thought, it was due to a friend being her teacher. Maybe it was because it was someone just as poor at all social communication. Or maybe just because he was gentle. Every mark on Fluttershy's body came not from a strike from Big Macintosh, who could bare-hoofedly pulverize an apple tree, but from a failed attack on her part to make him even flinch. Eventually, she was tired out, but her shyness was nowhere to be seen.

"Whew! That was tiring! How are you not even marked from all that?"
Big Macintosh just shrugged in response.
"Well, if you can teach me to fight without hurting somepony, I'll gladly take the offer. So tomorrow, once the harvesting's done, are we going to keep up the unplanned-attacking-you part, or do we move on to proper buckboxing?"
"Second one."
"Yay! Thanks, Big Mac!"

She gave what portion of him she could encircle a big thank-you hug before trotting away happily, tempted to bounce in a Pinkie Pie manner at finding a nonagressive teacher. From her seat at the small writer's desk, Applejack had been watching them train when the cogs in her head started turning.

"Well, ain't that just the sweetest little thing. Hmm... Big shy tough guy, teeny little shy gal... Applejack, you are truly a genius of the finest class." She cracked her neck before placing a sheet of paper in the typewriter's equinicidal inner workings and striking the keys.

"A-hem! The Soldier and the Flower Girl, chapter one..."

To Be Continued...

Comments

[Hoof of Approval]

This'll end well....

Rainbow Dash: Ace Attorney!
Rarity the Trickster!
Judoshy!
Best-Seller Applejack!

Oh, I can't wait for next chapter.

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gamesprays.com/files/resource_media/preview/rainbow-dash-objection-6471_preview.png

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514897 Well, more like a buffoon than trickster, but I love the idea!
516218 Oh sweet Celestia, how have I not seen that awesomeness before? Best lawyer ever!

[RaisingShad0ws]

I love the Reference. I would buy the book, Excellent job.

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518220 Thanks! Just started FF7 last week, so it's everywhere in my head... even in Ponyville.

[RaisingShad0ws]

519068
Well to each their own, I never finished an FF Game beyond FF4, but I am close to finishing 6. I think what took me out of the loop was the fact that some of the stories weren't totally interesting. And I have to say, IN MY OPINION, FFVII isn't the real FFVII. Crisis Core is the true FFVII. It just explains the Final Fantasy 7 world a whole lot better in my opinion. And Zack is just a more likeable character than Cloud. You'll find out who Zack is later on in FFVII.

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521353

I've only played X and VII I know enough about Zack though, and agree.

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599425 Well, thanks kindly! I threw that in after hearing about a rugby match in Australia in which a mon lost an ear. Rugby there, I've heard, is apparently the same as war in other places.

[godf0006]

.....

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619677 Err, what? I don't quite understand...

[godf0006]

622752 at first im like what and then me gusta

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624617 Ah, excellent. I'm glad you gusta

[Xenotype]

so to summarize:
*dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png gets seasick, and nopony but Twi really cares. especially the Japonies. whic is a brilliant pun by the way.
* is still pretty much useless without her magic.
* strikes back saying that she will be unable to send messages to from Twi's friends. She then tells Pinkie to keep her safe.
* is surprisingly well read and could probably be a an accomplished writer or the Equestrian equivalent of an English Teacher if he wanted to. He also probably gets some bonus money every once in a while by reviewing short stories and novels under a pseudonym.
* "I am not a writer."
* Does not know how to be a clown. also Opal can apparently write and keeps track of Rarity's seemingly weekly "Diva Moments"
*While training 'Shy manages to go straight from to dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy_umad.png , skipping and giving Horsepower the "Bear Chiropractor" treatment.
*dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png manages to turn a succesfull Lawyer/teacher into an alchoholic mess within one class period. Phoenix has an upcoming rival. (also you should totally have Rarity make Rainbow a suit identical to Apollo Justice's and give her Nicks hair No wait give her Franziska Von Karma's Hair and outfit. Bonus points if you can work the whip in.)
*dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rarity_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Applejack_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Fluttershy_lolface.png meat at Sugarcube Corner. Discuss what went wrong, scare the ever-loving crap out of Rarity, and Make Cup Cake faint. AJ decides they should help each other out, if only to see the look on Twi's face. takes dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy.png to train with while and dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png trade expertise.
*dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png is still and Twi almost collapses. Master Roundhouse goes on ahead.
* Twi learns some of what happened in Pinkies past. Somehow the Pie's ROCK-FARM burned down. I call dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png level shenanigans. They then turn in for the night.
* dresses Dash in a Colt's business suit. Dash is unamused.
*dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy.png 's training is working and manages to inspire AJ's writing.

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657021 Ya know, I think I may just copy your comment and use it as the description page But no, seriously, you have it down pat. And, just because you said it, I'm gonna look up this Franziska Von Karma. If I like, I'll credit you with it. Thanks kindly!

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675820 Well, yes, it is explained in the story. I'd be disappointed if no one saw what I did there.