Trevor Garris A twenty-two year old blind man. Trevor was enjoying his birthday by first going to the store with his step-father when they were T-boned by another vehicle. Trevor was launched out of the vehicle and somehow landed in Equestria. Which happens to be inhabited by anthromorphic ponies. Can Trevor survive in this new and dangerous world or with he be left in the dark.
((Well I guess you will have to read to find out now won't you.))
((Contains anthro ponies if you don't like it then don't read I'm not gonna look at you any differently than I already do... I love you guys sometimes))
((Final note I do not mean to offend anyone by writing this and making the main character blind. I spoke with my friend who is blind and he is helping me writing this up so it is accurate to how he goes about his day. Again I mean no offense to anyone you know who may be blind. This is strictly a work of fiction and should not be taken seriously as truth. Respect disabilities and understand that they never wanted them to begin with. That is all and please enjoy the story for what it is worth.))
Nice.
Commas, learn to use them. I mean it, there was not a single comma in the entire chapter.
Secondly, the clicking thing, as far as I heard only one kid could do it and may he RIP. I'm not trying to be mean if your friend can actually pull it off but it's a one-in-a-million character trait.
Secondly-part-2, if he can do the clicking thing then the need for his cane becomes obsolete.
Thirdly, there are a few random words here and there which look to be leftovers from sentences you've scrapped.
Fourth, he's twenty-two but he's considered 'mature for his age'? There's a reason drinking is legal by twenty one in most countries yanno?
Fifth, unless he had things thrown at him his entire life, there is no way he would've had time between hearing a box of cigarettes being thrown at him, determining it's position through hearing only and finally being able to catch it within the confines of his seat without accidentally hitting something, let alone catching the thing.
Sixth, the attempt at comedy with the old lady part fell flat because there was simply no reaction on her part. You could argue that it was up to interpretation from the reader due to mainguy being blind, but that's just being lazy.
Seventh, and this is just me nitpicking here, how is twilight showing him to a chair?
Other than all those reasons and a few more, your story seems pretty okay I guess. It isn't a work of art but at least it isn't a run-of-the-mill guy goes into Equestria and kicks ass while also having all the mares fall for him while gaining 'deep emotional scars' because he killed something like a whiny ass piece o- I got sidetracked. Point is, you were able to jump the lowest rung on the ladder but still can't quite reach the top.
Good luck with your story, I'll check in every so often to see how you get along. Totally-not-creepy-or-anything-
.
Great story bro good job
4833695
1.) I will admit that I need an editor.
2.) The cane is constantly needed for more than one reason. A simple reason is the cane is used as identification to the masses that he is blind.
3.) About the cigarette catching out of thin air it really depends on how it is thrown that determines if he can catch it. Such as if it is tossed it can be caught but if it is fast balled they most likely will move out of the way.
4.) Twilight leading Trevor to a chair... think about it how do you show someone to their seat. Now imagine having to physically guide them there.
5.) I understand criticism is needed to improve writing but addressing the key points is all you need to do not nitpick the story. But you did make good points that needed a little explaining and therefore I answered them.
6.) I'm going back to bed now after I eat so I wish you a good day. Hopefully I can improve in time for the next chapter.
4834045
1) that's the first step to solving a problem.
2) okey doke.
3) Then you need to describe how it is thrown, or if you can't do that, describe how it is caught or something, idunno.
4) Yet again, if twilight is physically guiding him to a chair then you have a chance to elaborate on that and further extend the story. Like, did the hold his hand or do something really awkward etc. Just saying that Twilight showed him to a chair is rather short because... Well... He's blind. Boy that was straightforward.
5) I shall nitpick as I please!
6) Enjoy your eats and sleep well dude.
4834113
I'll get to work fixing the chapter while I am at work tonight no commas though I just don't know where to put them in correctly.
There're several grammatical errors here and there but other than that the story seems good.
You should think about getting an editor.
4834123
Hmm, lemme see if I can lend a hand in my bedridden state then.
4834123
Nvm, gave up after a minute of trying to do do it on my iPod.
How fun.
Fun sword fightig a blinde dude sweet
Nice idea making Trevor a Zatoichi.
Interesting development.
SPAAAA TIME and threaten with a sword
I am happy to see people enjoying the story I am writing. I do want more thoughts on what I could do to make this a much more enjoyable story. But once again thank you for all the support.
Nice.
Heheh...Blind joke.
4900747
Sir you have confused me on how that was a joke can you explain?
4900914 Showing him to a chair when he can't see?
So if this is a HiE story, where's the human tag? Im curious that's all.
He seems to be taking the whole thing extremely well. Unrealistically well actually considering he was just in a car accident. ... and he isn't the least curious/worried about where the car is or what happened to his stepfather.
4939125
He can't see so to him he never His world until it was explained to him where he went through a silent breakdown
I kind of have to go against Applejack here. She commits battery and then gets angry when the blind man defends himself? I think a good case could easily be made that he feared for his life and, his being blind against a strong attacker, was enough to allow the use of deadly force. It also feels a bit weird for that the conflict arose that quickly over something so simple as just snapping at someone.
Ok, first, don't do fourth wall breaking Pinkie Pie. It does nothing but hurt the story as it serves no purpose other than breaking the reader's suspension of disbelief and takes them out of the story.
Second, Applejack feels a bit more violent than she should to me. I can kind of understand but this still feels off to me.
Third, I kind of liked the Twilight sign joke.
4954051
To your first posted comment the reason why Applejack got angry so quick is because of a little fact I have yet to show in the story. It is very obvious as to why Applejack did what she did if you think a little deeper into the lead up to the attack.
To your second comment... I got nothing to really say except I am sorry I was brain dead writing pinkie's lines so I just threw caution to the wind. I will probably return to that chapter at a later date to fix it up.
Finally read your first chapter.My only complaint is that he pretty calm who just went though a Car accident but what I do like is that your treating his disability fairly. I read people fan fics before who give characters disabilities but they treat character like a joke. Like it something you should make fun of. I'm glad you didn't do it this way.
Anyway onward to chapter 2.
A blind swords men interesting. Like Kenshi from Mortal Kombat. You sir earn my fave.
Well I'm all caught up. Looking forward reading the next chapter.
4976111
I thought an explanation is in order for why he is so calm about the car accident. I have been in a car accident where I was the one who was hit. It happens so faster that after it is said and done with you don't fully comprehend what happened until later. Shock does set in pretty quick which would cause some people to not freak out.
Anyway I am rambling when I should be writing. So I will see you all in the next chapter.
another very good chapter, and I can't wait to read more of your story.
I'm disappointed. I completely expected the line, "Why don't I take you out to dinner?" He raises the 20 bit note. "You're buying"
Right in my box o' feelz
Great chapter.
4983867
4984225
First off thank you for reading and second
F-F-F-FEEL SHOT!
Good chapter and story so far. This story intrigues me greatly. I can't wait for the next update.
4984362 img.photobucket.com/albums/v249/Killdeer/TG%20Uploads/Oddball/CupidIsDead.jpg
OH GOD THE PAIN !!!!!!! SOMEPONY CALL A DOCTOR!!!!!!!
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Someone call me?
OH GOD NO A REAL MEDICAL DOCTOR
Oh yes you just gotta make something like Shade huh? Well I guess will see if it works or not.
Ah, the darkness that lives in all of us. A bit cliché but a great thing in any story. Will he conquer it, or will it conquer him. And the tournament, Oh man I can't wait to see this.
This is pretty good stuff, can't wait for some blind man beat em up.
5007796
Next chapter my comrade.
Nice chapter.
5007510
I have a little bit of a hint between the relationship of Trevor and Shade. In Chapter 6 think about what Luna said to Trevor and what Shade said to Trevor. If you think about it you will see what I'm doing.
Furry or fury
Nice fighting scene
5041110
Fury did I misspell it?
4872893 I like the way the story is going, but seriously, you REALLY need to invest in some commas. There is never one where there should be, and there are run-on sentences everywhere. It's good beyond that, though. it's still a good read.
5042628
I was always bad at grammar but I am trying to get an editor. No hits so far.
Balls of Furry! Wait Balls of Fury!