My name is Kane Leumai, former Jedi Master, but now a former Sith Lord, also known as Darth Deimos. Trying to experiment with the Dark side of the Force can and will result in the creation of a Sith. I was an apprentice of Lord Sidious while Count Dooku was his current pawn, so technically I was a secret apprentice of sorts, breaking the Rule of Two and making way for irony given Lord Vader and Starkiller.
After Vader was.. indoctrinated, I was cast aside as weak compared to Vader, branding me as a threat to the Empire and using my former Jedi roots as a scapegoat, making me an official part of the Jedi Purge, now I am on the run with a formerly Imprisoned Miraluka Jedi. Hopefully my ship has enough power to make it to that small planet over there...
Takes place between Star Wars Episodes' III & IV and 6 months after MLP: FIM Season 4
This fix has alot of potential. Keep it up!
So far so good, keep it up!!
This is pretty good, just take your time, no need to rush.
I eagerly await the next chapter.
Yes! This going great! Excellent job! But, praise where deserved, I goes. The story seems a bit rushed, and I'm wondering how the Elements are "force-like". But for your first fic, this is some good content! Keep on writing!
4887458 Magic, in a way, is similar to the force, both involve concentration, practice, and similar properties like levitation, magic could do most of the things that the Force can, what Deimos was talking about "force-like" was magic, even though he didn't know it.
4887546 Thanks for the clarification!
Very good start to a story. I have only read few starwars related fix on this site so.... Good work
I should be angry about what he did to Fluttershy, yet somehow, I'm not. Excellent!
The IP to the Star Wars Universe was sold to Disney. They now own Star Wars. And they are gearing up to put out a movie a year from what I have heard. Well Disney hasn't done wrong with Pixar or Marvell so here is hoping that Star Wars will continue to be good.
Hope this is a redemption story. Deimos has already got on the bad side of 4/6 elements. Lying for Applejack, causing Rainbow to be helpless, cruelly killing creatures for Fluttershy, and mental manipulation for Twilight. I can easily see the last one being a felony in Equestrian law too. Here's hoping to Deimos learning some humility.
4895889 He's a former Sith Lord, old habits die hard for a sith lord.
But I didn't see any mental manipulation for Twilight, Deimos jedi mind tricked Rainbow and used my made-up Force Charm to calm and control Fluttershy.
Awesome, looks like I've found another perfect fic
I'm liking this! My curiosity and interest has increased tenfold!
Ooooo, let's see where this goes.
Good, getting more and more interesting.
I like how the story is going so far, keep it up
i wish someday mlp crossover with star wars
We need this guy to be evil evil. Not, "Oh, I'm evil, but there's a greater evil so I'll help you", but full on "I'll slaughter your race and enslave this world, and I will pretend to be your friend to achieve it".
Through victory, my chains will be broken,
That line should be "Through victory, my chains ARE broken,"
5004854 Fixed
5004863
Awesome. I know it doesn't seem like a big difference, but in terms of Sith philosophy, it's actually quite significant.
I just remembered a really interesting fact that you might be able to work into your story: contrary to popular belief, Force Lightning is NOT a Dark Side-only technique. The Jedi used (albeit rarely) a variation of it called Emerald Lightning that, unlike Sith Lightning, did not cause excruciating pain, but instead made the target become weak, lethargic, and apathetic, causing to them to fall to the ground in a heap, unable and unwilling to continue fighting. The technique was pioneered by Master Plo Koon, who called it "Electric Judgement."
5007061 I was already aware of this, but Jedi can use Sith lightning, but it is extremely rare.
5009143
Well of course they CAN, but any Jedi with enough skill to use it would use Emerald Lightning instead. Any Jedi that would willingly use Sith Lightning when capable of using Electric Judgement is already a stone's throw away from becoming a Dark Jedi.
Cool stuff, cool stuff.
I like that plot twist, very nice chapter too.
Brilliant chapter buddy, and when I thought about Discord in his twenties at the Knightfall, this is what i found on the net. Glorious isn't it, just like he really was a Jedi at middle of the Clone betrayal. All credit to the painter on deviantART.
th05.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2013/108/3/f/sw_mlp__jedi_general_discord_by_madame_finitevus1890-d627arv.jpg
Dayum. Somehow, it is kind of interesting and...logical?????
5020859 I like it, but only Discord's Jedi form was human, looking exactly like Q, the link to his appearance is small, but it is the word "man".
Also notice how I added a Star Trek, Once Upon a Time, and Samurai Jack references in the fic also.
i didn't see that coming
wasnt expecting that at all
Too many names.
What the actually...? Well, this is a hell of a jamboree you just made there.
I'm going to go think about the implications of this for a while.
And now, time to remember more names. Gale, scrap, de'ien? Hunter, that's all I remember for now....And no need to memorize the two other newcomers but instead, be surprised
5063841 Don't forget Cameron, Hano, and Warren!
Uh oh.
5064607 Ah yes, those other 3
5070734 Correct mein friend, but why is your post outlined in blue?
5070740 Eh, nevermind, forget I said anything (well that's actually impossible since it's in the comment section
)
Nice
Honestly dude, I was interested in the story until I realized that your long description was a literal two or three sentences for the whole thing, but you just keep using the oxford comma instead of where a period should sit, this makes reading things very awkward and kind of annoying to be brutally honest, as you can probably tell right now it does get rather annoying as well, please consider either rewriting or at least restructuring your description as it does your story a massive disservice in its current condition.
On that note, the idea does seem interesting for a story as there are very few Star Wars stories out there of any note, so I do wish you the best even if you disregard my thoughts on your descriptions, even though I think I've made my point rather well by now, best of luck author.
Long live the Kaleesh
That was epic.
Saw a typo-thing? : msnsged. But other than that, epic
5084159 Fixed, one less typo in the world.
5084420 wasn't that necessary but, okay.
Too many commas and not enough periods or semicolons in this chapter.
You use the word "question" way to much.
Could you throw in an "anything else you want to know?" or something like that into the mix once in a while?
Hmm, maybe I have to agree with this guy for now. (Below) By the way, what's with the creepy profile picture?
Alright. I just have to stop right here. The premise was interesting and the start of the story was good enough to hold my attention but as it went on, I can't convince myself to keep on reading. However I'll leave you with some pointers that can help.
The story is like driving on a rocky road. Full of bumps that upset the flow of the story. It's more of a personal gripe that everything is rushed and not enough details but as you said, this was your first fic so I will not fault you on that considering I was the same way. What effectively jars me out of the daydream world I mentally create to perceive the world you're trying to create is the screen cards you had from SpongeBob of all things. Apologies for adding some flame to this but I think I came here to this story to read a Star Wars/MLP crossover and lose myself in what hopefully was an immersive world which for the most part was. Not to get slapped out of said world whenever I see a timecard from the previously mentioned kid show which derails my mind from the story and puts that show in its place.
I can understand Discord being able to say, "Screw the rules, I'm the Spirit of Chaos" and go where he pleases despite being physically encased in stone. The tangent you went off of Discord becoming Jon Doscrid (and I caught onto that re-arrangement of letters of Discord's name. Nice touch btw) and training with Deimos was making the proverbial road even more rocky and what effectively forced me off the road was the sudden teleportation to a Geonosis battle arena where the indigenous population is actually cheering? I can see that simply being Discord warping their minds but that is just too much.
All and all, you have a great story idea and with some editing, it can dominate the featured board every time it updates. It may help if you reread through your own story and try to immerse yourself into the same world you were creating. If you get knocked out of the world because of something the situation does not call for, then edit it to where it becomes better. It doesn't have to be perfect but so long as its better than what it used to be then you are good to go. Another tip would be to have someone else read through the chapters before you post them so they can point out anything that disrupts their own immersion as well as fix any grammar errors and the like.
I'll say it again, you have a great story idea but it needs some editing to make it so much more smoother.
5152159 I understand the criticism, and you already know that this is my first fic.
But one, the Geonosis arena was just an illusion, like the trials that Luke Skywalker takes (*cough* kills fake Darth Vader *cough*) in the cave on Dagobah.
Two, the spongebob time cards are just for a little bit of humor that I like to add into my other stories after working on my next chapter for my Vanoss fic, I just don't like to add an abrubt pause between time skips without a little bit of humor (not that Discord is funny though, he adds a lot of laughs to the show, given his voice actor John De Lancie was Q from Star Trek) (also adding to the first parenthesis, I'm also pretty sure that no one noticed that Discord's Jedi alias is a mix of his voice actor's first name, John, but turned into Jonothen, besides his last name being an anagram of Discord).
Third, some of the reason's why I leave mistakes on the chapters is to know more about the human mind, how brain activity is affected by energy and sleep (and also to let other people know that I'm still a human being), so far so good.