Etch Feather
Joined 31st Oct, 2011 ·
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loved the story even though it was really sad. and the ending was very creative. 5 stars definitely
This REALLY needs proofreading. It's a lovely story and I hate to be constantly distracted by poor sentence structure and improper use of punctuation.
You have a very strong story -- you beautifully write the love from Lyra to Bon Bon. In your bio, you mention that you are a poet; your lyrical style (and love for what sounds good) shines through. You've left me melancholy with this story; well done!
When you next write a story, please have someone proofread it for typos. Here's the ones I quickly noticed:
Alot of them -> A lot of them (and elsewhere in the document)
but my speciality is -> but my specialty is
into her patients eyes -> into her patient's eyes
held their tounge -> held their tongue
the small filly; Those eyes -> the small filly; those eyes
giggled and snickerd -> giggled and snickered
stopped it's rapid beating -> stopped its rapid beating
her side of the the bed -> her side of the bed
at all their birthday's -> at all their birthdays
One was a chocolate cupcakes -> One was a chocolate cupcake
Hm... well, Chip Unicorn there seemed to get the errors that I spotted as well. It could certainly use some cleaning up and editing before you try to submit it again. It's probably mostly the grammatical/spelling errors you've got that have been holding this fic back, but apart from them and the subject matter (I'm not a huge fan of sad fics) I don't see too many things wrong with it. The ending was particularly nice.
Poor Lyra though
.
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk