Quarterback

by Dawn Barlow Valcore

Chapter One

Quarterback

It was Friday night and Fluttershy was getting ready for the game that night. She was the most quiet and shyest girl at Canterlot High but her friends always took her to the games because they wanted everyone in their group of friends to go. She had considered joining the marching band, so she could cheer on her friend Rainbow Dash in all her games… but it wasn’t really her thing.

It was the big game of the year and there were people from college’s scouting out the best players of the team. The star quarterback was a tall boy with very strange hair named Discord. He was a mystery to everyone, and all the girls (and some guys) wanted to be with him. As far as everyone knew he wasn’t into the dating scene, so he was a known heart breaker, but not to the quietest girl at Canterlot High.

It was after the game and Fluttershy and her friends were hanging out waiting for their drive home, when Discord came up to Fluttershy.

“Hello there my dear, my name is Discord and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with some of my friends and I,” Stated Discord. Fluttershy let out a nervous squeek and her friends pulled her back aside.

“We’ll be right back,” said Rainbow Dash as she dragged Fluttershy back to their friends. All of Fluttershy’s friends had nervous looks on their faces.

“Fluttershy, darling do you know who that is?” Her friend Rarity asked with a slight anger to her voice.

“W-well, I think that’s the star quarterback Discord. Isn’t it?” Fluttershy asked nervously as she played with the hem of her shirt, but kept a slight blush on her face.

“Fluttershy, you know he has a reputation for getting around… if you know what I mean. That’s why ya’ll call him heartbreaker for that very reason.” Her friend Applejack said. Their other friends Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle didn’t really have much else to say, they were too busy glaring at Discord.

“Girls, I understand your concern but, I think he’s trying to be sweet. Plus this isn’t the first time he’s talked to me. I think we can trust him. What’s the harm? We might be going for tea with cucumber sandwiches!” Fluttershy said. Her friends were all surprised by what she said.

“If that’s how ya feel sugar cube, just know if anything, and ah mean anything just let us know right away and we’ll come to your aid! Just call or text any of us.” Applejack said and the others nodded in agreement.

“And if you need me to I’ll deal with him!” Said Rainbow Dash cracking her knuckles. Fluttershy nodded.

“Thank you girls!” Fluttershy said happily as they all hugged.

“Just remember to be careful and to stay on guard at all times okay?” said Twilight. Fluttershy nodded as she started to walk back over to Discord. He smiled in delight.

“Well my dear, have you made your decision?” He asked. Fluttershy nodded.

“I’ll hang out with you but no funny business mister.” She said giving him her stare. Her friends could be heard snickering. Discord cringed.

“Okay, miss…?” He said not knowing her name. Fluttershy blushed.

“I-I’m Fluttershy,” she squeaked.

“Fluttershy is it?” She nodded. “What a lovely name for a lovely girl such as yourself.” He smiled. “Well come on then, let’s get to hanging out.” He gently took her hand in his and led her to his truck.

They got into the truck and Fluttershy never stopped blushing the entire time. There wasn’t much talking during the drive. Discord tried to start a conversation but all Fluttershy did was squeak or squeal quietly. Discord kind of forgot that Fluttershy was the quietest girl in the school, not to mention the shyest. But he was hoping to bring out a different side of her.

“We’re here!!!” Discord shouted as Fluttershy looked up surprised and saw they were at a beach and there was a bonfire. She smiled gently.

“This is so nice! Thanks for bring be along Discord!” she said as she gave him a quick hug then realizing what she had done and quickly let go blushing a deep red.

“You are quite welcome my dear, shall we go over to the fire?” he asked. She nodded happily. Then as he did before he gently took her hand and led her over to the fire and his friends. She stayed quiet for the most part, giggling here and there. Then Discord held out a drink to her that looked like punch.

“Is there alcohol in this?” Fluttershy asked nervously. Discord chuckled.

“Just try it my dear. I promise you its good.” He said as held out the cup to her once again. She took it hesitating, she took her very first sip of alcohol. She was surprised by good it tasted. She thought alcohol would have not tasted so good because it smelt so bad.

“Its good,” she said smiling at Discord. He smiled back at her.

As time went on, Fluttershy began to loosen up and enjoy the bonfire party. She also had three more drinks too. She wasn’t sure if she was drunk or not. Everything was kinda hazy. Then Discord led her away from the party and back to his truck. She invited her over to his house to hang out afterwards. That’s when things got kind of sketchy for Fluttershy. She remembers them kissing, hugging, and his hand on her leg. When she got home she was only sure of one thing. She lost her innocence.

Fluttershy felt , well she didn’t know what to feel. That’s when all her friends came over to her house. They were all extremely worried but also pissed off at the same time.

“How are ya feeling there sugar cube?” Applejack asked as she hugged her friend. Fluttershy whimpered.

“I-I-I don’t know,” Fluttershy cried then realized something. “How did you girls know something was wrong?” They all rubbed the backs of their necks.

“Well you see… Its not really that bad… but Discord kinda posted pictures of your guy’s night together.” Fluttershy started crying even harder. “yea… its really bad isn’t it?” Everyone nodded.

“You expected this didn’t you Fluttershy?” Asked Rainbow, Fluttershy shook her head crying.

“I didn’t, I really didn’t. He was so sweet and a true gentlemen the entire evening. So I honestly didn’t expect him to do this.” Her friends looked at each other.

“We can deal with him for you Fluttershy, which is if you want us too.” Said Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy shook her head.

“Thank you, I appreciate it girls, I really do. But this is something I must do myself. He took my innocence and now I must make him look anything but innocence. I only hope that on Monday you’ll all be on my side and not his. I can’t do this alone.” Fluttershy said seriously through her tears. All of her friends nodded.

“You know that we’ll always be by your side Fluttershy,” said Twilight, and Pinkie pulled everyone into a group hug.

“Best friends forever!”

“Thank you girls, you have no idea how much this means to me.” For the friend time that day Fluttershy’s tears were those of happiness and not of pain or anger. She was truly happy to know that no matter what her friends would always be there for her.

When Monday rolled around, Fluttershy was terrified. She didn’t want to go to school but she knew she had. She had to face discord and make sure everyone knows the true of that night. But she also hoped that principal Celestia would be listening. Then Discord can really get the punishment he deserves for what he did to her and probably many other girls as well.

When she got to school that morning, her friends were the first people she saw that morning. They all gave her a hug and then together they walked into the school. Everyone was staring at Fluttershy. When she got to Discord, she saw that he was on the phone talking about the night they had together. This made her angry, so angry in fact that she ripped his phone out of his grip and threw it to the floor. He was taken by surprise then smirked.

“Well, if it isn’t my dear Fluttershy. Have you come back for another night like the one we had one Friday?” He asked slyly. Fluttershy gave him the stare, he cringed. Flash Sentry picked up Discord’s phone from the floor and started recording what was being said.

“No, actually I came here to let you know that you are a big meanie! You took advantage of my trust! You were so sweet. But, why?! WHY?! Would you do something so mean? You got me drunk then used me! What about that is so right?!” Fluttershy shouted as loud as she could. It wasn’t very loud but it was loud for Fluttershy.

“I-I” Discord was at a loss for words. No one had ever stood up to him before. Everyone who had been on his side of this look at Fluttershy and her five friends. Then Principal Celestia came out of her office hearing the commotion.

“What did I hear about you taking advantage of one of my students Discord?” Discord hung his head in shame. “Well, I want you to apologize for what you did to this student and then you will be serving detention for the next three months after school everyday. You are also off the football team for the rest of this school year.” Discord looked at Fluttershy.

“I am so very sorry Fluttershy, I hope one day we can be friends.” Fluttershy nodded.

“I accept your apology but you have to learn from your mistakes too.” And with that Discord started on the long road of redemption and Fluttershy learned to say no. In the end everything and everyone was happy.

Author's Note:

I apologize for the rushed ending. This is the first completed one shot i've written in about 3 years. and if there are any errors that need to be fixed please let me know! this was also supposed to be set before discord was reformed.

Comments

[GMP]

..............no comment

[GMP]

because a story this bad needs to have something said.

[Dawn Barlow Valcore]

A little feedback without being rude could go a long way.

[goaway]

4799793

It's underdeveloped; a story like this, with this kind of subject matter, really needs to be drawn out a bit more. You need to work on the characters' emotions a bit more, as no one seems to react realistically to anything that's happened.

Then, there are all the punctuation errors which can detract from a story's flow, for example:

from college’s scouting

you don't need the apostrophe in colleges.

“We’re here!!!”

And you don't ever use more than a single exclamation mark when emphasising a sentence.

Plus, the ending. Discord should be facing criminal charges for spreading underage pornography, not almost getting Fluttershy's forgiveness.

[alarajrogers]

4799857

Also, when you adapt a character to a different milieu, you need to try to match up their life circumstances.

Quarterbacks are incredibly popular as a general rule. Discord is totally unpopular. Quarterbacks participate in a sport, with rules, which is usually a central part of life at a school. Discord makes up his own rules and does not participate in anything that is central to pony society. Discord being a star quarterback doesn't fit the character at all. If you wanted to do a high school AU where Discord takes Fluttershy out on a date, gets her drunk and date rapes her, making him someone who is really popular fits the typical circumstance for a date rape, but not the character. If you'd made him the lead guitarist for a band or something else like that, where he doesn't fit into normal society and his status comes in part from being an outlier, that would have worked better. Quarterbacks are almost the stereotype of "completely accepted by high school society".

[goaway]

4799885

Good point. Being British, I'm not "up" on the intricacies of American high school culture, but what you said makes perfect sense.

[Dawn Barlow Valcore]

4799857 thanks! i will try my best to fix those problems and revise it!
4799885 that's true... may i ask which character(s) would be a better fit?

[alarajrogers]

4799928

For a quarterback... hmm. Bulk Biceps very much has that jock thing going on, but he's more of a bodybuilder or a linebacker than a quarterback. Maybe Soarin' -- in most stories it's Dash who's with Soarin', but he's probably the best example of a male athlete of the type that could be a quarterback in the whole pony universe. (Also, if Dash is his friend, Fluttershy would be more inclined to trust him, and Dash would totally kick his ass afterward for hurting her friend, even if he is also her friend.) Big Mac might make sense as a quarterback -- he's strong and he's smart, even if he doesn't talk much -- but he's a very honorable stallion and it would be very out of character for him to take advantage like that. Blueblood might actually work -- quarterbacks have such high status in many high schools, they are practically treated like princes.

If you wanted to keep it Fluttershy/Discord (I suspect you would rather keep it a quarterback, because of the song, but if you wanted to keep the ship instead), I'd make Discord a musician in a rock band. (Not the lead singer, because a lead singer named Discord is a really scary idea. :-)) Probably punk or metal or something like that.

[Dawn Barlow Valcore]

4799974 actually i like those ideas, truth be told when i was first coming up with this one shot, it was gonna be big mac and fluttershy... i should have kept it... but i may rework it as big mac because well... applejack would kill him no? lol. and thanks for the help.

[Get]

I thought this story was okay overall but needs improvements both in grammar and storytelling. If there's anything that was the best thing from it, it's the concept or basic idea for the story. I think it's an interesting choice to tell this kind of story but improvement needs to be made..

[Nosfrat]

This isn't too bad, honestly. Definitely not good, but the idea is actually pretty decent. However, you need to work on... well, quite a few things, but mostly the pacing. You tell us what happens, but that's it. There's no emotion, no character depth. It feels more like a script.
"X happens.
'X happened,' says A to B.".

I'm in no position to talk about that with my limited vocabulary and all, but you could talk about random things to serve as a filler, or add a few lines in first person to show us what characters are thinking.

The grammar isn't too bad otherwise, and there aren't that many mistakes, though reading through it even once would probably allow you to fix half of the spelling mistakes and typos.

Also, it wouldn't hurt to break the whole thing down into small paragraphs, either. Even with indents, it's still a huge wall of text.
The day changes, but the paragraph is still the same. The only one there is.

Onto the story itself... I like the way you portrayed Discord. Yes, he's OOC compared to what he is in the show, but EqG isn't really canon. Either way, he's a kid in this story, and the way you depicted him is believable for a younger / teenage version of him, before giving into the more 'serious' side of chaos. (Yes, Discord is serious in his own ways.)

However, you also depict him as some sort of popular bully who doesn't give a fuck about anything, and that makes for a pretty boring and predictable plot. I mean, he gets a naïve Fluttershy to trust him, breaks her trust to release underage porn or whatever he actually did, and then she's 'nice' enough to be willing to forgive him? That's just... I don't know, cliché? Cheesy?

There's potential for turning this into some pretty interesting angst-filled drama. Imagine Discord falling for Fluttershy after seeing that she's the only one willing to forgive him for his everyday bullshit. He's trying to make things right between them and with everyone else, and he's struggling to keep his reputation as Sunset Shimmer's male counterpart in terms of cuntness. While the rest of the mane six do everything they can to keep Fluttershy away from him.
Or something.

I'm not gonna rate this story because while it doesn't deserve a thumb up, it doesn't deserve such an horrible like to dislike ratio, either.

[CanadianFluttershy]

Oh, a lot of dislikes.. Don't worry, you'll get the hand of it. I believe in you.

[BubbleBerryBlitz]

I mean ya know, I had a feeling that Fluttershy was gonna get raped or something so yeah. Also for some unknown reason I found that hilarious! ... what the hell is wrong with me...

[Dawn Barlow Valcore]

6136799 nothing is wrong with you! If it made you laugh I'm glad! I'm happy to see people smile....