A Tale of Deceit

by ChainGunDragon

A proposition

“You seem upset.”

“What? N-No, I’m fine.” I couldn't help it. I’m normally a great liar but how was I supposed to lie to an heir to the throne? I couldn't pretend to be someone else because General HoneyRock already told him who I am, what I do, who knows how much else he knew. I suppose it can’t be too much if he still wanted to meet with me.

“Could you excuse us, general?”

“Of course sir.” As he left me alone with the prince, all I could think about was how I knew nothing about this person, he could’ve been an innocent ball of fluff for all I knew, or my worst nightmare.

“Walk with me Dolus.” He waved his hoof, signaling for me to follow as he started walking away from the changeling camps. I started following him but still preferred to keep my distance just in case. “You’re nervous. I understand. It’s not every day you’re brought face to face with royalty and when it does happen, you’re skeptical.”

“A-Are you reading my mind?” He chuckled softly at that. I suppose if he found me amusing, he might go easier on me.

“You have a very special skill set, but you can’t assume you’re the only one who can read body language. I was brought up to be a prince, meaning I have experience in most areas from arts to science, to mathematics. Psychology is no different.”

“So, you’re a demigod?” The prince smiled as he shook his head.

“Many skills are easy to learn but would take years to master. I have experience in a lot of areas, yes, but I’m far from mastering any of them. But enough about me, I want to know how comfortable you are with what you do.”

“You mean lying?”

“If that’s how you wish to refer to it.”

“I’m good at it, never said I liked it.”

“It’s an easy job if you can do it right. That’s how politicians earn a living after all. So what would you rather do instead?” It was hard to tell with his helmet on but I could’ve sworn the prince raised an eyebrow at me as we started climbing a hill that appeared to be four, maybe five times the height of any of our tents which seemed like specks in the distance by now.

“I don’t know. I guess I just wish there were some other way I could help the starving families without lying directly to their face.”

“I know exactly what you mean. It’s hard lying to the ones you love. Being so adept at it, it must feel like a curse to you. It can’t help much that your name literally means deceit.” It’s been ages since someone actually knew my name. I couldn't even remember where I first heard its meaning from. I don’t even think the general knew what my name meant, so how did he?

“How did you-”

“It’s Latin. A dead language, very old. You should know that just because your name brands you as a liar, doesn't mean that has to be a bad thing. Do you have any idea what mine means?” I had to think about that one for a moment as we reached the top of the steep, grassy hill, stopping to take a quick break as the prince admired the view over the changeling camps. I had to admit, it did look beautiful in a sad sort of way, seeing the entirety of our kind’s devastation, still holding together to survive. But the prince asked a question and I wouldn't even know where to begin with guessing.

“Vain?”

“Close.”

“Really?”

“No, sorry, it means empty. But that wasn't a bad guess, at least you thought about it. The point is, if someone is empty, everyone assumes it’s a bad thing. I see it as ambition. A drive to find something or someone to make me whole.”

“Why did you bring me up here?” He paused, looking at me for a moment before turning to face away from the camps, looking at a mountain.

“I have an offer for you. You want to make the world an easier place for us to live. I have a way of doing that. However, it can be very dangerous. I wouldn't let anyone else front this mission unless I trusted in their ability completely. That, or they had a way of staying out of danger completely.”

“What do you mean, staying out of danger?”

“With your abilities, you can walk amongst anyone as anyone else, practically invisible to countless communities. As changelings, we may be able to disguise ourselves as others, but only very few of us can act the part.”

“You want me to walk among others? Who?” It wasn't until I asked the question that I noticed why the prince was still staring at the mountain. I looked up at it and found a gleaming white castle built into the side of it, about half of the way up.

“This is a very important mission Dolus. Your kind needs you to gather food to help feed the starving and the weary. If you choose to accept this task, you’d be doing us all a great favor. Travel to the land of the ponies and do whatever is necessary to bring back material food, food that the ponies would have put a lot of love and consideration into making or growing. I know it doesn't taste as great as direct love, but it will help us all get by.” I didn't know how to respond, on one hoof, it seemed exciting, meeting a whole new race of people who might think of me as one of their own. But the thought still lingered in my mind, what if I got found out? Either way, it still beat the work I was currently doing.

“I’d be happy to help, sir.” Who knows? Maybe I could become good enough friends with someone there that they might not care that I’m a changeling.

“Glad to hear it. If you run into trouble, head to Canterlot and ask for someone named Flash Sentry. I’ll do what I can to dowse suspicions of changelings in pony territory but if something comes up, don’t hesitate to find me.” The prince smiled at me and lifted his hoof to pat me on the back. I can’t remember the last time someone pat me on the back but to be honest, it felt kind of nice. “Oh, and one more thing.”

“Yes sir?”

“This may seem like an odd request, but you cannot make friends in Ponyville. You may walk among them, smile if you will, even wave, but if you keep contact with anyone, they will find you out, and they will turn you in. That is a risk we cannot take. Understood?” He looked at me with concern as I nodded slowly in response. There goes any hope of survival.

Comments

[Wing Dancer]

Yeah, people are so quick to mash that downvote button! It's like a red cape for a bull or something!

Anyway, I think that the reason for downvotes may be that your style is kind of lacking - there are many errors in tenses, some sentences don't flow right and reading is a conscious effort instead of smooth sailing. For some, that is a deal-breaker and they run away. I prefer to think of it the same way as with games - even if the graphics don't look the part, the story and mechanics might make up for it!

I would heavily suggest an editor - I'm really glad you're not being discouraged by mere numbers and decided to carry on As far as I'm concerned, if there is at least one favorite on a story, it's worth writing for that one person <3

Hang in there mate, looking forward to more!

[ChainGunDragon]

4749081 I find that interesting, since for some reason, in my head I thought I was getting better as a writer. You don't have to but if you have the time, would you mind reading just maybe one chapter or so of my other story? because I switched styles in between stories and I'm wondering if I had it right the first time. I'll consider the idea of an editor but personally I don't really know where to look for one. In any case, thank you very much for taking the time to leave me some constructive criticism, I really appreciate it

[Wing Dancer]

4749459

A good start is the Looking for Editors group. The people there are friendly and you might find someone to read after you and correct the mistakes

As for your previous story, the change of style brought about changes both good and bad. The good news is there are no more blocks of text which could daunt a reader, the structure looks a lot better than the other one

In the process I think you decided to be less descriptive of events, settling for speeding up the action with shorter presentation. It might be tempting at first, but one has to strike a balance between pacing the story right and providing enough information in the filler parts to justify arriving at a scene of interest.

If anything, I think I could have some time during the weekend to have a look at these two chapters you have here. If you'd shoot me a Google Docs link, I would probably take some time to suggest improvements here and there

[ChainGunDragon]

4749508 wait... I've gotten LESS descriptive?... and suddenly my world is turned on its head. for some reason, I thought I was getting better at that.

Also I don't know the first thing about Google Docs. (and you might want to prepare for a block of text near the end of chapter 3. I couldn't find a way around it.)