No one knows just why it happened. How would they? Kelpies and Merponies were never very fond of each other, and when it came to Sirens--the sworn protectors of the Merfolk--there couldn't be any set of creatures so ill fated to feel anything towards the other. But it happened, and for their sins there was a price to pay. But who would really end up paying it? Written and illustrated by MusicOverMatter, and co. illustrated by Lightning Pride.
"Through the shadows of these many hundred years, hear the story of a thousand falling tears."
Chapters (3)
Wow, that was awesome! Oh yeah, and it's me Beautypup from Howrse :) This was really well written and it's interesting so far. Great job!
The text seems long-winded but not to the point of being hard to read. This could be due to a lack of paragraph variation.
When you have wall of text after wall of text, readers tend to become fatigued, just try to read through A Tale of Two Cities for any lengthy amount of time to see what I mean. A battery of short paragraphs, while useful for combat and dramatic scenes (especially when set up as sets of three) may seem curt and rather unintelligent with overuse, the key here, is balance.
Also you use "it's" in place of "its." Here's some examples.
Literally "it is done" the ' makes "it's" a contraction, not a possessive.
its is the proper possessive form of "it"
You have a zero in place of an o in your ninth paragraph. (this may be a formatting issue on my end)
And while you are doing an admirable job at description be sure to show instead of tell. Describe body language with objective detail rather than adjectives and incorporate more of the five senses into your writing if you can manage it without ruining story flow.
Here is some quick help that you may find humorous:
All in all however, I like this fic. It has the potential to spawn many headcanons and takes place (so far) outside of the overused ponyville setting, you have earned a like.
I will be watching this.
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As for the long winded paragraphs, that has a lot to do with my literary background. I've been reading "classic" works since I was little, so I tend to take a melodramatic, formal stance in my writing. I was memorizing passages of the King James Bible before I could read! My favorite books were the dusty old books filled with old legends and epic adventures that had barely any pictures. (In fact, as I child I remember saying stuff like: "I hate pictures in books! They ruin the story!")
In any case, I'm please that you see potential in my work, and I hope I can live up to that expectation. And don't worry! I intent to avoid ponyville like the plague.
More more mor-ore we need sustenance
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This is awesome.