When Fluttershy witnesses something too shocking and grim for her timid wittle brain to handle, Twilight Sparkle takes it upon herself (with a little help from willing friends) to rid the pegasus of her post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms and get her back to her normal self again. Little does Twilight know that she has important lessons to (re)learn from the ordeal...
This is my first attempt at fan-fiction, and I wasn't planning on posting it here until after it was finished; I only wrote it because it was fun to write. First-person from Twilight's perspective. Very heavy on the slice-of-life, bits of funnies here and there.
Chapters (1)
If it weren't for the violent death of two adorable little critters, this could be an episode. Good read.
Not too bad, though having Twilight break the 4th wall on her way to Flutteshy's cottage "...not ready the most physically fit pony, but you alread knew that." does not really fit. Maybe "..., but everypony knows that."
You also have Pinkie breaking the 4th wall. Yes she seems to do this on a regular basis on the show, but rarely is it really glaring. However having Pinkie commenting on Rarity having only a non-speaking role again is glaring and should only be in a true parody or satire fic. It has become too chiche for her to say something like this in normally more serious fics.
PTSD black-outs are of 2 types.
1) A panic attack cause by a flashback, triggering hyperventilation until the victim passes out. They wake up with full memory of the event.
2) a sleep like condition, usually happening while alone and seems to be cause by guilt or memory of the event. Victim just wakes up in an unusual location WITHOUT any memory of what happened or why, or how long they were out. This can also happen while driving, watching TV, or just sitting.
Fluttershy seems to have the 2nd type, but her anger and nonsensical speech don't fit that type.
My uncle, a vietnam vet, suffered from both types for a while. His treatment in part was to desensitize him from the traumas that cause them, just like what Pinkie wants to do to Fluttershy.
Over all though the grammar is good, plot is solid but a little jumpy, stop breaking the 4th wall unless you are turning this into a parody or satire.
Discriptive prose is better than most and the characters are canon, but might be leaning towards being caricatures of themselves at times.
really nice slice of life story and I felt like the author had a good sense of how to write Twilight. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the feedback guys. Glad you liked it.
As far as Twilight breaking the fourth wall, the sort of effect I was going for is that she is recalling the story to you (the reader). Granted, that would have been more clear if I had made an introduction to emphasize it, and I didn't. Whoops!
As far as Pinkie doing it, yeah, I was just being silly. I kind of tried to use that to lighten the story a little, because I felt it was starting to get a little more grave than I wanted it.
As far as medical accuracy, I didn't bother too much with it, to be honest. I did a little research, but I'm not a stickler for realism.
As far as characterization, I was pretty satisfied with myself, especially for a first try. It's not perfect, but Twilight's personality is one of my favorite things about the show, and I had a pretty good grasp of it going into the writing.
If and when I write again, I'll take all these things into account, so every bit helps. Thanks!
(Also why are there no happy Fluttershy emotes? This is an outrage.)
I like it. This is really good, but I do have to wonder...exactly what did Rainbow do with that medicine, and exactly what was she taking them for?
I liked this. It really felt like Twilight was speaking the entire time, and by the end of it, I understood why! Very good read.
Rainbow and Pinkie were very eager to help. Rainbow took off with the pills, and then pinkie and Rainbow stayed at the party alone together. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Well damn, am I late to the party. But I just wanted to chime and say one thing.
You had me worried when Flutters says "Thank you. For everything." Felt a bit more final than it truly was.