Unsung Heroes

MineLittleDashie

MineLittleDashie #1 · Jul 17th, 2014 · 2 · ·

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Huzzah it reappears!

Umberto23

Umberto23 #2 · Jul 24th, 2014 · 2 · ·

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Hmmm.... I thought that this genre had quietly died off. However time makes fools of us all I suppose. Seeing as how this is a legitimate attempt at a story I'm going to give you some helpful advice and go through it.

Just a prerequisite you should know; I will be posting some pictures to go along with this. Now....
i.imgur.com/nPWSkdw.png

Chrysalis, Queen of the changelings, strutted through the ancient cellars as she searched for the one treasure that would grant her enough power to crush Celestia. A power that would bring all of Equestria to its knees. A power to enforce her new rule once she had beaten her old rivals.
“Finally, I will obtain Megalith! The ancient artifact that has corrupted so many perfect heroes, and destroyed the minds of countless villains who were too weak to control it.”

Not beating around the bush I see. Admirable, but sadly it also leaves the audience in confusion. Here you've introduced the 'Megalith' as it's so lovingly named, and already I'm somewhat lost. You've told us that it happens to be something that can 'bring all of Equestria to its knees', and that's it.

“The power to use the abilities of any villain that the user can imagine. The possibilities are truly endless, imagine my powers combined with those of Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, or with one of the more ancient evils of the world.” She mused aloud as she blasted the door with a smirk, blowing it clear off its already weakened hinges and gaining entrance to the artifact’s vault.

..... Ahem? That's basically the ability to have the power of any villain the holder can imagine. Say, Rainbow Dash, got a hold of it and imagined a villain that could spit molten diamonds (Rough and outlandish example I know), but then she'd be able to spit molten diamonds. Unless there's a limiter that wasn't mentioned.

Cade followed behind her cautiously, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike.

Hold up! Who's Cade? Where'd they come from? See I didn't take the time to read all of the stories tied to this (Because god there are a lot), and because a decent story can at least introduce characters normally.

Now... Obviously I can't go through all seventeen thousand words without taking about three hours to post this comment.

Overall feelings though.... I personally am not a fan and don't like this story. Multiple mistakes later on from what I assume is a lack of careful read troughs, obvious cases of wish fulfillment, lack of character development that I would normally find in a chapter this long, and an sense of confusion from why most of the people aren't freaking out, or why the Angiris Council is ponified.

Could do a lot better, but it could also be a lot worse. All in all I give this a 'Meh' on my scale of greatness.

Nativeknight

Nativeknight #3 · Jul 29th, 2014 · · ·

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4742540

Well since I'm the author of "The Hunted" i figure i should answer these questions.

"Chrysalis, Queen of the changelings, strutted through the ancient cellars as she searched for the one treasure that would grant her enough power to crush Celestia. A power that would bring all of Equestria to its knees. A power to enforce her new rule once she had beaten her old rivals.
“Finally, I will obtain Megalith! The ancient artifact that has corrupted so many perfect heroes, and destroyed the minds of countless villains who were too weak to control it.”
Not beating around the bush I see. Admirable, but sadly it also leaves the audience in confusion. Here you've introduced the 'Megalith' as it's so lovingly named, and already I'm somewhat lost. You've told us that it happens to be something that can 'bring all of Equestria to its knees', and that's it.
“The power to use the abilities of any villain that the user can imagine. The possibilities are truly endless, imagine my powers combined with those of Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, or with one of the more ancient evils of the world.” She mused aloud as she blasted the door with a smirk, blowing it clear off its already weakened hinges and gaining entrance to the artifact’s vault.
..... Ahem? That's basically the ability to have the power of any villain the holder can imagine. Say, Rainbow Dash, got a hold of it and imagined a villain that could spit molten diamonds (Rough and outlandish example I know), but then she'd be able to spit molten diamonds. Unless there's a limiter that wasn't mentioned.
Cade followed behind her cautiously, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike.
Hold up! Who's Cade? Where'd they come from? See I didn't take the time to read all of the stories tied to this (Because god there are a lot), and because a decent story can at least introduce characters normally."

K. well... If we included every chapter of every character in the mass, the introductions would be enormous. so we shortened them down and left people to look up the characters themselves.

Yes there are major limitations to megalith, but if someone imagined a villain that spit diamonds... i guess they would have infinite diamonds... spike would be happy I would imagine.

The limitations will be revealed in both stories. the more powerful the villain is, the more likely the host will die. that's all I'm willing to confirm here.

Valthorn Illian

Valthorn Illian #4 · Aug 6th, 2014 · · ·

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As a member of this work I will admit that parts of this are rather confusing, but it's only a start. Most everything will be cleared up as we go along and I'd expect maybe a bit of strife between our heroes. That aside, the future of this story looks bright.

guardian soul