It was a very rainy and dark night when Flim Flim Flam had to drive all day and all night without a break. His brother was sick, and so he’d been holding the wheel for a dozen hours.
He was ever so tired. So tired that he kept drifting in and out of darkness, as he went down the lonely lanes and through the tired little hamlets. He kept drifting in and out of sleep while trying to keep his hooves on the wheel.
He never saw the corner, in the driving rain.
He never saw her step into the street.
Chapters (1)
Continue... I command thee... I mean... Please?
How mysterious.
So i saw your call out on Splashdown, and this one's an odd one indeed. I like how the story drives off in a dynamic direction from the getgo, what with the random vision of a filly and the need to keep her life intact. However, I feel like you could have chosen any two brothers and made the same story idea work. Heck, I think it would have been even better if you made two OC brothers, as I feel the Flim Flam brothers are out of place here. You want them to feel like they belong but they don't. They're just placeholders for brother characters, as their character doesn't build and they don't learn too much from anything. They don't play off each other and Flim's original goal seems to be forgotten as soon as he rescues the little filly.
Granted, this all seems very close to a dream-like experience, so maybe you wish the readers to take it with such an open mind, especially since it is a one shot. It still doesn't distill from the fact that the vision before the happening is a bit cliche and kills some of the seriousness in the story, but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the story overall.
4717139 To be fair, he's already rushing to the hospital; what's one more passenger to deliver to that destination?