Torn Between Two

Foals Errand

Foals Errand #1 · Jul 14th, 2014 · · ·

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Yes please oh yes ^^ soooo adorable!

alarajrogers

alarajrogers #2 · Jul 14th, 2014 · 2 · ·

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Yay for OT3s and resolutions without jealousy! I love Discord's reaction here; pfff, like chaos cares about following traditional romantic patterns.

scoots2

scoots2 #3 · Jul 14th, 2014 · · ·

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4693216

I love Discord's reaction here; pfff, like chaos cares about following traditional romantic patterns.

I agree!

I felt the fic was a little rushed, though. It zooms us through several romantic possibilities so fast that I couldn't take them in, and I felt that I was being asked to take them for granted so we could get to the big pay-off.

When Discord came around, he quickly wormed his way into Luna's damaged heart. And as Luna watched him sleep so peacefully in her bed, she couldn't find the words to describe how much she adored the draconequus.

Yes, but how? Why? What's so cool about Discord? What did he do to "worm his way into Luna's damaged heart?" Why does she love him? Give me something to work with: anything from "he makes me laugh" to "he's killer in bed," but I need something.

Also, there's this:

I was too caught up in what every pony else would think... I only agreed to go out with Flash because he was a colt and I thought it was the way things were supposed to be.

Maybe it was Rainbow Dash. But isn't she in a threesome with Pinkie and Applejack?

That's a very odd combo. If three of Twilight's best friends are lesbians and living in a happy polyamorous relationship, I don't know why she thinks that being with a colt in a monogamous relationship is the only acceptable thing. There are possible explanations, of course, but I'm not seeing one. You could explain it through Twilight ("I thought it worked for them, but my parents would never accept it," or something like that), or you could simply leave it out. I'd suggest the latter. If you're not going to explore it, it doesn't add anything, and it also makes Discord's solution to the problem more surprising and initially shocking and Discord-y, and ultimately more fun.

Also, why does Flash have to be in there at all? He's another of the picked up, then discarded relationships that might be better left out or explained more.

Those are just my thoughts, of course. I didn't find it an unbelievable premise, but it should probably be fleshed out some more.

Kennehblaze

Kennehblaze #4 · Jul 14th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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4693554 I appreciate your critique and I agree with a lot of the suggestions you made. I didn't go into any details on other relationships because I felt like it would be going off topic, but I could've added a little more detail. I know that ApplePinkieDash is an odd combination, but it's my OT3 and looking at it now, I could've left it out. I included Flash because I wanted to have a reason Twilight and Luna did not get together before she met Discord. I appreciate you taking the time to point out these issues so I can avoid them in my next fanfiction.

Kennehblaze

Kennehblaze #5 · Jul 14th, 2014 · · ·

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4693216 I love OT3s. They are amazing. Yeah, I tried to make the characters fit their personalities. I'm glad you liked it.

scoots2

scoots2 #6 · Jul 14th, 2014 · · ·

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4693588 You're welcome!

I know how tempting it is to include your favorite ship. And keep writing!

Conred

Conred #7 · Jul 14th, 2014 · 1 · 1 ·

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"Maybe it was Rainbow Dash. But isn't she in a threesome with Pinkie and Applejack?"
Well i personally enjoy it but i can only guess that two threesomes in one story may be too much for many potential readers who may take it as too silly
(3 lesbians and 2 bi sexuals polygamysts in one story?)