Water... Earth... Fire... Air. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attack- Wait... Wrong story... Let me try again... -*Clears Throat*- Max's life is changed when a strong hurricane rolls over the country. He discovers a strange tunnel in the Scottish forest and enters to sate his rampant curiosity. Inside an underground church he picks up a perfectly spherical white stone and is transported to every brony's dream. Now if only Pinkie would just be quiet...
Hey! Did someone say my name?
Ack! Pinkie! Go away! The story hasn't even started yet!
Ok. But if you don't move your butt and write it I'm going to move it for you~
Damn Pinkie and her Forth Wall breaking abilitys...
A/N:
I'm lazy... The only way I will write this is with much prodding from fans. Like, favourite, Subscri- wait... That's YouTube.. hmm... Read later, Favourite and Follow. Yeah.. I'm not good at this. (Edit) I have removed the Brony thing for two reasons... 1: I want them to be absolutely at a loss about what to do. 2: I don't really like brony stories...
Cool story!
I'm giving this a chance for the simple reason that you haven't pissed me off yet. I'm not fond of Brony in Equestria stories, in fact I can say with a certain amount of truth that I tend to despise them. Unlike Human in Equestria stories where maybe 10% are enjoyable, a BiE story is closer to 1% if that. However you've piqued my interest. It's now up to you to maintain it.
Some issues I have and they're more nitpicking than anything else. You have too many sentence fragments. Every sentence needs a subject and a verb and you have many that don't. I understand if this is a more stylistic choice but I'm just saying and laying this out there. There's also a minor issue, in a way linked to the one prior, where there's no cohesion between your sentences. Like for example:
I know what you mean and I know what it is you're going for here but from a literary POV you're making a huge error. The sentence. "The air was powerful." is fine but it's when you add, "Fluid, yet solid when forced into movement." you've got a problem. I forget the term but you need a link between the subject of the previous sentence, that being the air, and the fact that it's fluid.
4688922
Yes, I definitely agree with you.
To Eternal Stability (or the author): I notice this glaring error:
They are unnecessary and incorrect periods. Either you do this:
or
I advise that you remove "could be" as its unnecessary. Just "ruined 16th century Scottish hamlet" would be good.
4688940 thanks for the input guys, as I said, new author. Fixed and modified, I just hope the rest of the story is error-free.
4688968
Here's one last error I could find:
It should be...
4688974
Again, thanks. I strive to be better!
I like the opening. One problem though just a small quibble really.
Britain doesn't get hurricanes. Unless magic is involved.
4692160 you should know by now that magic is always involved...
4692298
Called it.
Me - 1, Magic - 0
I'm just liking the fact that Twilight notices that hands look like claws so many HiE stories seem to forget that
Can't wait to see how this plays out.
4692160
Britain, while rare, can suffer from cyclones. The Great Storm of 1987 is a perfect example of Britain getting a rare hurricane, or in this case, cyclone.
thepolitesse.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/The-More-You-Know.png
4710798
Fair enough. You do learn something new every day
In case you didn't pay attention in school:
It's - Short for "it is"
Its - Possessive pronoun