Fluttershy has always been pushed around it seems. Her pet bullies her into feeding him more, her friends ignore her, and nopony respects her opinions. And she is tired of it. On a particularly bad day she is given the chance to have what she wants most. To have ponies do as she says and not the other way around. But is she going to be satisfied with just that or will the power corrupt her? Who will save Ponyville from the tyranny of a mad mare? Who will save Fluttershy from herself? Who wil get Angel his lunch? *Warning. This fic contains a crying Fluttershy. Not for the faint of heart. I also do not own the picture, artist credit goes to aeroytechyon-X.
Chapters (4)
I can already smell the raw talent here, this is definitely worth a watching. You've got a definite grasp of good writing skills, your formatting is excellent and your details just right. I can already feel the incoming Angel-confrontation. Though it'll probably only be fitting that he be the new Fluttershy's first "victim", to establish her new powers and show was she's capable of. From there, though, you're only allowed to move UPWARD. This is a classic corruption of the pure story, in which we place our meekest cast member into a position of unbelievable power and see what she does with it. You should probably arrange some sort of chain of "victims", starting with Angel bunny and perhaps ending with something incredible, like one of the princesses. With something like this you're gonna need an ever-higher bar to keep it interesting.
Good Luck!
This has potential to be a great fic and I'm really curious as to the one who offered Fluttershy the deal. The premise is nice and we're not even into the actual story yet, so I'm looking forward to the next installment.
Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
Honestly, the only critique I can give you, good sir-or-madam, is that, while I cheer your not using the ever cliche apple as the fruit of evil (I mean seriously, that'd be a HUGE slap in the face of the Apple family), I wish you had gone further to distance yourself from the cliche. If ever again you need to incorporate "Fruits of Evil", try a Papaya. Nothing's funnier, weirder, or eviler than a papaya. I mean, Katara doesn't even like papayas, and she eats just about anything.
...drifting.
But yeah, this is a GREAT story so far. Can't wait to see the updates!
Grace and Peace, and Happy Writing. :)
436139
. I am very happy that people like my story and I hope I don't let you guys down.
Actually, a lot of historians believe that the fruit of evil in the Bible was a pear. So I actually went even more with the cliche, kind of.
OMG WANT WANT WANT
at some point in the story.
I would really like Fluttershy to go
For some reason I really like ponies turning evil/crazy.
Hmmmm.....
Yes. Yes, we do, in fact, require moar pony.
Mwahahaha....this is intriguing, I MUST HAVE MORE!
Je suis want moar pony. Also, though, you've got a bunch of spelling mistakes. (This is just the ones I picked up on a casual read)
>“Practice?” Slither’s face bared the look of annoyance.
Right here, either bore the look or bore A look would work better.
>“Sorry sweaty, your contract is for life.”
I'm pretty sure you were aiming for sweetie.
>He or she who signs this contract shall be granted their greatest desires and be subject to alteration by the contractor. The contract expires at the date of the contractys death or when the crontractor and contracty reached a mutually beneficial agreement.
A bunch of mistakes here. First, I think you're looking for the word contractee, but
even that's not really a real word. I think you might be better off with using terms
like 'first party' and 'second party' as opposed to that.
Also, this is fucking awesome.
440126
. Thank you good sir, for pointing out my errors. I will try to spell better in the future.
Fixed.
440297static.fjcdn.com/comments/Brohoof+_a588b655b17c0e037983f270774f700e.jpg
Excellent. Your victim-escalation is working nicely thus far. Pinkie Pie, for better or worse, is a brainless imbecile and thusly the easiest pony-target you could've picked from the bunch. Excellent choice. The details were vague on exactly what happened to her, but I assume that was the point. I usually call magic like that "phantom hands" (in which violence or force is pressed against someone's body with no noticeable lights or other effects)... perhaps "phantom hooves" in this case? Keep going, this is shaping up nicely.
Edit: Going upward in your victim's "importance" scale I would assume somepony more powerful like Applejack... then someone more POTENT, like Twilight Sparkle. Not sure. Just a thought.
440493
I guess I had better break this to you now Cleff. When I labeled this as dark I meant something like Batman- the- animated- series- dark
. Not Pony-version-of-friday-the-thirteenth-dark 
. I don't intend for Fluttershy to just go around and kill everypony. I hope you will enjoy my story none the less. 
441613 No, you missed my meaning entirely. I meant that if you want to keep your story interesting and such, there needs to be escalation. As in "Fluttershy's powers effect more and more powerful ponies/creatures as time goes on." I didn't say anything about her murdering anypony or even hurting them, haha. Just that if you're gonna paint powers like this, they need to steadily grow and become more forceful against more "powerful" opponents.Show that no one is immune by working up the scale.
Quite good, though a couple dozen mistakes, grammar wise. When I get home, I'll point them out again.
I apoligize for any grammar mistakes. I know I made a lot of them this time around and I'll get around to fixing them either later today or tomorrow. I had a rough night and I've just been feeling realy off all day which has effected my writing. I would also like to announce that I will be taking a bit of a break from this story to work on my other story (The Fixers) which I have been neglecting recently.
I should have the new act started sometime next weak.
oh shit.... and with that the Elements of Harmony can't even be used to counter "Inferno", that's how I'll call New Fluttershy till we get her true alias
Excellent throwing of the gauntlet, smacking down Twilight like that. She didn't even getting a saving throw, haha, just instant zombie. Glad that the water snapped her out of it, or she could've been removed as a player entirely from the story. The only question now is, who will Fluttershy adversely affect next. Twilight is arguably the most "potent/powerful" of the mane six, being the leader and all. You'll need to either reach for an OC, a Solar Stallion, or maybe even one of the princesses next.... or maybe something huuuuge that lurks in Everfree, like an Ursa or a Hydra. Now that Fluttershy is embracing the dark side, per se, we'll need a glorious display of her bloomed "fire" powers.
I look forward to the next chapter! Cheers!
and with Kindness gone, the Elements of Harmony can no longer be used (well, I believe they can but they won't be as powerful and won't have an effect on a Slither-powered creature)
Wild Fire....
A very good name. Fitting for a pyromaniac/pyromancer.
I prefer Fluttershy to be EVIL