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After Prince Blueblood is assassinated under his watch, Lieutenant Flash Sentry must navigate the deadly perils of the Court of Canterlot.
Of course, nothing is as simple as it seems, especially between the courtly intrigue, the Prince's secret experiments and a deranged crack shot on on the loose
One with a penchant for Royal blood
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This was absolutely hilarious!
This easily deserves to be featured, yet probably won't; simply because Flash Sentry has a central role.
Such a crying shame...
Pie? That explains everything!
Delightfully funny! Flash has such potential as a comic character. I wish more people would use him this way.
This was a mind-boggling, but funny story.
This was not only a well written story in my opinion, but it also was fantastically funny. You left the ending open to the reader's imagination and did a great job. I can't wait to see more from you!
Thank you, guys. I'm glad you found the story funny.
4647342
Logistics. Thank you for the high praise. I only hope I can deliver up to expectations.
4646999
Mind boggling. What a compliment =D
4646477
Moonsaber. While I am very happy you enjoyed reading this, this will be a one shot. Flash Sentry's misadventures with pies, princesses and promotions are over, for now at least.
4646235
I agree, Scoots. Flash is woefully underutilized. SO much potential, so few people willing to write him.
4646214
Wisdom, that actually gives me an idea...
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Derpsby, I'm glad you think so.
Perhaps we could collaborate one day. Make a Flash and BB story so legendary that...
Genuily one of the best tales I've seen on this site. So much humor and great banter, not to mention flat out creative.
Looking forward to more from you, author!
4647747
I'd like that!
And as expected, this story is gravely underappreciated; despite being one of the funniest here. All because of Flash Sentry and Blueblood.
It hurts... it's so damn hilarious is hurts to breath after all the laughing. FAVED AND THUMBS-UPPED!!
Does this mean that Sugar Cube Corner doubles as an armory?
Super amazing fantastic. At first I was all, oh no, not Flash Sentry. Then I was laughing my arse off for most of the story. Bravo!
"They have pictures..." the purple princess whimpered. "Why would they have pictures?"
"MONSTER! WHAT ARE YOU?"
"Very handsome?"
"Ah, fine. Rarity. There happy?" Scoffed the Prince. "Now stop flirting with me and let me continue."
All tied for favorite line, damn funny.
Hello, there. The Authors Helping Authors group brought me here for a little reviewing goodness. Fair warning: I don't follow the group review template to the letter, but hopefully you'll still find whatever criticisms or suggestions I have to offer to be helpful. Let's take a look and see what we've got.
Well, I notice that the chapter title has a spelling error in it. Should be assassination, like in the story title, instead of 'Assasination'.
Ought to put a comma in that first sentence. Actually, the whole second paragraph is missing a few. Looks like instances of a parenthetical element, added information that can be removed from a sentence without changing the meaning. Basically, the rule is to put a comma before and after the additional information, only skipping the before comma if it's attached to a conjunction. I see this as a recurring problem throughout the text, so I'll only address it this time as a heads-up.
And while we're on the subject of the first paragraph, the term is actually per se, not 'per say'.
I see that you're using italics and underlining to emphasize in the 'theoretically' sentence. I'm sure there are rules about that, which I couldn't care less about. I just find your choice of emphasis odd. I'd emphasize 'very theoretically' but not 'might have', since the second set of words is technically attached to the first and unemphasized usage of 'theoretically'.
A new type of comma error in
That last comma doesn't belong, as this is a cumulative adjective following a coordinate adjective. 'Bad' modifies 'day' and acts as a unit, and the two separate instances of 'really' each individually modify the unit. So we have a comma between the 'really's, but no comma between the last 'really' and 'bad day'.
This is dialogue, so the spelling error might be intentional, but I figured I'd point it out just in case. There's another part in the dialogue not long after that says 'a heck lot of shame' that probably should be 'a heck of a lot of shame', but again this could be intentional to create an accent.
Should probably be tyrant. There are also several things to look at in Twilight Sparkle's dialogue just after this; capitals, dashes, and ellipses. I'm wondering why Flash's first instance of imagined voices used regular quotation marks to speak, while this new one is in italics.
Should this be a full sentence?
For the sake of brevity, I'll just say that there are various other nitpicks like this scattered throughout the rest of the text. It's probably not enough to throw off your average reader, but it could greatly benefit from having a pre-reader for a sanity test before publishing, or even a full-blown editor. I'll just move right along to the actual content.
We're off to a good start. Blueblood dying and Flash suffering is always comedy gold. That pie was the weapon of choice was a wonderful addition. I feel you could have found a way to 'ponify' the Ming vase.
In regards to characterization, I don't fully expect the cast to be in-character in a comedy, but I appreciate your take with them here. Flash is a lovable idiot, the prince is a ponce with depth, Twilight has moments of adorkability, Celestia can't keep a straight face, and Luna wants to wreck your shit. As this is from Flash's point of view, the constant descriptions of Twilight's beauty (with the subtle hints of her being overweight) were a nice touch. As your OC is a parody of OCs, she does her duty well.
Your blood-splatter scene-changes during the trial seemed off, especially as the scene didn't change. I'd suggest using ctrl+f to find all of the instances of someone and switch that to somepony. The standoff seemed a little drawn out, especially with how Flash and Blueblood were talking to each other. And how slow was that thrown pie going, if there could be that much dialogue before it hit?
The ending scene with the tub feels like it runs on for a little too long, and it sort of meanders in a stream-of-consciousness way with no real direction. It seems like you built up Flash's grand final contribution to the puns without a proper pay-off; That line was okay, but not a dealmaker. The comedy as a whole was good and drew a few outright snorts of amusement from me, but it was occasionally a little disjointed.
Overall, I would say this is a decent story. Though it could use a pass or two of editing to clear out the scattered bugs, I enjoyed reading it. Well done and good luck in your future stories.
If you found my review helpful, I've stories of my own that could use opinions, criticisms, and suggestions. Thanks for writing,
-Hack
This was the most unserious read that I stumbled upon HAHAHA
Wow... That was looooooooooooooooooong...