Sins are never left forgotten. For the Royal Sister, one haunts them every day and leaves them wondering if something could have been done. Well they will find out their sin is not forgotten. It is alive, changed and angry. It is their lover.
To be honest, if it were me I would say that Spitfire doesn't deserve a chance to be with Sin but that is just me because i hate girls who act like that
His running away from luna and celestia celestia mother ow boy I wounder what will happen next please update your story soon I'm very interested in this story and please update more soon. Question is luna and celestia mom in love with immortal human just wanted to know because that would be very interesting to see in the story keep up a good work update more soon
Running from FAUST!!! Oh dear lord, I like this a hundred times more. Everyone complains about chapter updates and such, SCREW THAT. An immortal human with two gods inside him, running from a being that (supposedly) created that universe with her husband. This is the best HIE fic I have read in a long time. Keep it coming SaiyanUltima, keep it coming. Good job, love the new chapter.
Comment posted by jackson101 deleted May 26th, 2016
Comment posted by jackson101 deleted May 26th, 2016
You said you welcome constructive criticism, so here it is. I see you are still head-hopping. You really need to get out of that habit, as it makes you look like a novice who knows little about proper narration. Editors hate having to fix head-hopping narration, and you will have trouble getting a book published by a real publishing company. I have a link to a page that explains what head-hopping is. I think you will find it prevalent in your own writing.
Here is a good exercise to strengthen your narrative skills. Pick a book that exhibits the kind of narrative style you want, and use it as a template while writing. Keep the book at your side when typing, and reference it when you get stuck or are unsure. DO NOT use fan fiction as an example, as most fanfic writers don't realize that they are making the same mistakes you are. Hope this helps!
It's a mistake I made in my last version. It was a chapter of Luna changing for one night to have a new perspective of intimacy with Sin; where she was Anthro.
Only use tags that is consistent with the story. Because of this mistake, I keep thinking the ponies are bipedal until I caught the word hoof instead of hand. For example, the Mane Six tag is added, because they makes their appearance, but not playing an important role in the story, is unnecessary and should be removed as well, instead replaced with Spitfire since she is mentioned more often than others. So yeah, the Anthro and Mane Six tags should be removed and replaced respectively.
FINALLY, a new chapter
Don't we all run from your other halves mother?
I know I do.
great chapter
I think you're missing a word there
it
Update soon please.
To be honest, if it were me I would say that Spitfire doesn't deserve a chance to be with Sin but that is just me because i hate girls who act like that
7234506 agreed.
His running away from luna and celestia celestia mother ow boy I wounder what will happen next please update your story soon I'm very interested in this story and please update more soon. Question is luna and celestia mom in love with immortal human just wanted to know because that would be very interesting to see in the story keep up a good work update more soon
Running from FAUST!!! Oh dear lord, I like this a hundred times more. Everyone complains about chapter updates and such, SCREW THAT. An immortal human with two gods inside him, running from a being that (supposedly) created that universe with her husband. This is the best HIE fic I have read in a long time. Keep it coming SaiyanUltima, keep it coming.
Good job, love the new chapter.
One it is Freddy Kruger two he looks more like an avacado had sexton with an uglier avacado anyway love the story cant wiat for more
7247826 that's deadpool
7230569 the step mom, more deadly then normal mom
I haven't even started reading the actual story, yet this phrase alone has already triggered my compulsive memeing tendencies.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/5/27/335036__safe_solo_animated_image+macro_discord_reaction+image_popcorn_the+return+of+harmony_dis+gon+b+gud.gif
You said you welcome constructive criticism, so here it is. I see you are still head-hopping. You really need to get out of that habit, as it makes you look like a novice who knows little about proper narration. Editors hate having to fix head-hopping narration, and you will have trouble getting a book published by a real publishing company. I have a link to a page that explains what head-hopping is. I think you will find it prevalent in your own writing.
http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/headhop.shtml
Here is a good exercise to strengthen your narrative skills. Pick a book that exhibits the kind of narrative style you want, and use it as a template while writing. Keep the book at your side when typing, and reference it when you get stuck or are unsure. DO NOT use fan fiction as an example, as most fanfic writers don't realize that they are making the same mistakes you are. Hope this helps!
7302406
Okay
If the ponies are quadrupedal, why is there an Anthro tag?
7516912
It's a mistake I made in my last version. It was a chapter of Luna changing for one night to have a new perspective of intimacy with Sin; where she was Anthro.
I just need to remove the tag.
7517252
Only use tags that is consistent with the story. Because of this mistake, I keep thinking the ponies are bipedal until I caught the word hoof instead of hand. For example, the Mane Six tag is added, because they makes their appearance, but not playing an important role in the story, is unnecessary and should be removed as well, instead replaced with Spitfire since she is mentioned more often than others. So yeah, the Anthro and Mane Six tags should be removed and replaced respectively.