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Rarity is once again too busy to spend time with her sister. With Twilight Sparkle looking after her, Sweetie Belle discovers a liking of poetry and tries to write a poem about her sister.
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Maledictator
Joined March 2012
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Maledictator
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D'AWWWWWWW, manly tears, all of them!!!
That was absolutely adorable!!! Being the oldest of 3 and having a sister that I love to death with a 10 year age difference, these stories always pull right at my heartstrings. Along with being well written, it gets the point across perfectly for a one-shot, and everyone is perfectly in character the whole time. I think I might have spotted a typo or two, but everyone slips now and again.
A fantastic piece, looking forward to see what else you might have in store 
Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1vnzeMwP61qfbbwj.jpg
Who was the one who disliked this? I cannot believe whoever did that! 
Anyway to my review:
Dear creator,
Your story was a brand new read for me.
Adding poetry making it the main idea was an excellent idea.
I must ask,are you thinking about making something else involving the idea of poetry? Because this story makes me want to read another story involving it.
From,
Sneaks
I liked this one; it was well-written, touching and everypony was in-character. Sweetie's poem felt a bit rough, though. Given her talent with songwriting, I did expect better metre at least.
Also, why do so many writers spell it "Manehatten" instead of the (correct) "Manehattan"?
Many feels were had. Nice story, bro.
I came across this one-shot totally by accident, and was besides myself with shock at how fast it got such high ratings!
Of course I say this after giving this little slice of "d'awww" a thumbs up and adding it to my collection of favorites.
Very well written. I enjoyed the feelings I had while reading this, feelings very reminiscent of the relationship I have with my older brother. And I thought the second interpreted meaning behind Twilight's sad poem, as (unknowingly) interpreted by Rarity, was brilliant.
I look forward to anything you put out in the future, especially if it has to do with Sweetie Belle since it would seem that you have a special talent for writing about such adorable sisters!
What a silly little filly. She cannot see the beauty in her words, throught what is written on the page. But with time she might come to know of it, just like she might come to know of her cutie mark. Then will she sing their praise? Only she can decided when that time will come to pass.
Awesome story. 
I must get back into writing poetry myself. 
how do poets do it? having a very big vocabulary, as well as a thesarus.
a bond of sibilings is one that cannot be rusted.
time may bend and pull at it but one such as they can always be trusted
true some days you may fight and bicker over, something madane, and small.
but that love will always be there standing big and tall
so next time your brother picks on you for being strange or weird.
just know that under that show, he loves you more than you feared.
do not take my words as false or untrue.
for i have expirenced this hidden love, through the fake hate that it is shining through
-Captain Literal
It's always a pleasure seeing (And reading) a writing that truly evokes emotion in the reader, allowing them to truly feel what the writer has put forth and experience the story, instead of simply reading it. I got a single tear in my eye when I read the poem in the story, and it is one of the few times I cried, not because it was truly sad, but because I got to see the true beauty in the story, I got a tiny glimpse into what you were trying to show me. And for that... I thank you.
So moving... must... preserve...
... appearence...
Ekhem.
A great little story about sibling dynamics I somehow always imagined, that Twi was the one from the mane six, with whom the CMC hat the least in common. It's nice to see one of the fillies, realize that spending time with our favorite egg head can also be nice and fun 
More or less...
First off your story was great and I would totally read it again. Now that that's out of the way lets look at what i think you did wrong in this story. You have to remember a review is just an over glorified opinion.
The first thing that really catches my eye (erm mind?) is how 'smart' you made Sweetiebell. Since, as people may know, the whole point of this story is getting Sweetiebell to remind her sister how special their relationship is. So the main problem for the writer is "How do i get a kid to teach an adult about a life lesson only an adult would know?" Well obviously teach the kid a lesson from another adult. Duh.
"Well ok how about Twilight? Because (whatever). (Also insert the reason poetry was used). Ok now i have a plan to teach a kid a life lesson! Onwards to writing!" Now of course this is not what really happened but i am just listing background information here. So you just figured out your plan on how and what to use to teach Sweetiebell. Great. Now write it. But hold on now, your forgetting something.
Reality.
Now of course here i am sitting down on my computer eating ice-cream (Rocky Road) writing a review about a short story on colorful, cute, ponies, BUT the point being is that even fiction stories need to feel and act real. Sure it may sound like i am nit-picking your story but that's what i do and it ultimately helps you so whatever.
The way you taught Sweetiebell was short, sweet, and to the point. Great. But you did it way to fast and way to easily. You need to space things out and remember that this is a kid here, not an adult. Kids think way to differently than adults. Now i am not saying she is not smart enough, i am saying your making her learn way to fast, and not really realistically. When teaching fillies (kids) about a life lesson you have to put it in kid form. Here in your story she got it on her first try. No. Wrong. Stop that. The way a child learns is by applying whatever your trying to teach them to something that is childish but ultimately makes sense.
ill use myself as an example. What is light? (i asked that when i was seven) When i asked my dad that he naturally flipped out because how do you explain photons and wavelengths to a kid? So you know what he did? He tried to make it simple. here is what he told me...
"son, light is like....snow. It falls until it hits something, and once it does it sticks to it forever."
"If light falls why can i see it up there?" (points at the ceiling)
"Well i said it falls right? that light is falling up. And that one (points at the wall) is falling sideways. Light falls wherever its pointed."
"Oh! so its like my nerf gun?! I shoot the bullet and it 'falls' until it hits something and comes back! right?"
"yeah... just like that." (He told me he was dumbfounded when i put it like that)
See how he tried to make it simple and then i made it into kid form? That is what is missing in your story. That kid logic that makes me Dawww on how smart kids truly are.
"Of course, Rarity did spend time with her on other occasions. After the Sisterhooves Social they had gone to the spa (Rarity's idea), ate lunches together, played in the park, and generally tried to do things that the other would enjoy. Rarity had been able to be with her those days, why couldn't she do the same now? Suddenly, a thought occurred to Sweetie Belle: Rarity was always busy. What if on all those other occasions, Rarity had been as busy as she was today, but had sacrificed her time? Maybe Rarity didn't place her work above Sweetie Belle, she placed Sweetie Belle above any free time she had for herself! Perhaps Rarity really did want to spend time with her."
Ok so i can honestly tell how hard you tried to keep it simple and i applaud you on your efforts. But as stated above you forgot the key element, the kid logic. Now do you see what i mean? I could bring this out and just say you need to work on your characterization, but that's not the case. Just remember who you're writing about, kids think differently and adults think...well whatever you want them since they are a blank sheet.
TL;DR Sweetiebell is learning as an adult opposed to like a kid. Also Nerf guns are awesome.
Oh and as always, Bravo and Encore! I do hope to see your future stories in the feature box along with revisions on your characters!
O.O
Thank you sir. This fic reminded me of a similar relationship between me and my big bro. Ever since he got a job and moved, we don't spend time together nearly as much as we use to. That's why, every time he visits, we spend as much time together as we can playing video games, chatting, and throwing friendly insults at each other like normal brothers. Great story. Two thumbs up.
Alright folks, it's time for a NinjaBrony Critique! (By Maledictator's request.) The rest of this post is directed at Maledictator.
Sweetie Belle stared in awe as her sister sped throughout the store, gathering things seemingly at random. She couldn't begin to wonder how all the materials were supposed to fit together to make the dresses that Rarity was known for. She was still unable to use magic, but Rarity seemed to be able to handle dozens of tasks at the same time with no trouble at all. She couldn't wait until she was able to do that.
In this paragraph, the usage of "she" in the third and fourth sentences is confusing. I had to read this over twice.
(In the third sentence, you use "she" right after you talk about Rarity. This implies you're still talking about Rarity. Same deal with the fourth sentence.)
Sweetie Belle's face fell. "Even when she does get back, all she'll do is continue with her dresses. I won't even be able to help because I just mess everything up for her. ..."
This entire paragraph got boring. The dialogue is well-written, but there's just too much of it. I seriously doubt Sweetie would sit still while saying all that. So, give her something to do here: have her pace, have her hit the table in frustration, have her do anything to give the reader a break from all that dialogue.
Suddenly, a thought occurred to Sweetie Belle: Rarity was always busy. What if on all those other occasions, Rarity had been as busy as she was today, but had sacrificed her time? Maybe Rarity didn't place her work above Sweetie Belle, she placed Sweetie Belle above any free time she had for herself! Perhaps Rarity really did want to spend time with her!
This is a great epiphany moment for Sweetie Belle, where she realizes Rarity really does care. However, an epiphany like this deserves much more depth. In other words: show, don't tell. This kind of realization shouldn't be condensed into a few quick sentences; flesh it out! I know it's difficult to do with this kind of situation, because thoughts move so much faster than actions, but there are ways to relate this kind of epiphany without just stating it like you did here.
A few of other points I noticed just in general. First, your dialogue punctuation needs work. In multiple places, you used a comma where you should have used a period, and there were other places where you did the opposite. Second, you need to work on your comma usage in general. There were places where you should have put a comma but didn't, and places where you shouldn't have put a comma but did. Third and finally, you need to vary your sentence structure more. I'm noticing a lot of compound sentences ("Part A, [coordinating conjunction] Part B"). I mean, a lot. If you go back, read over this, and count how many times you used that kind of sentence, you'll see what I mean.
On to the general summary and final points:
For a moment I was worried you were going to copy the Sisterhooves Social episode, but you quickly moved away from that, so nice job there. Overall I found this quite enjoyable, but I didn't quite feel drawn into the story. Work on hooking your readers, because that's what makes a story--especially a Slice of Life story--the most memorable. You want a seemingly everyday situation to become meaningful and really leave an impact on your readers. While you did a fair job of this, especially with Sweetie's last poem (d'aaw), the overall execution of what should have been the most memorable parts was lacking. On the bright side, your characterization was flawless; you did a fantastic job capturing everypony's characters.
So, with those points in mind, here's the NinjaBrony standard critiquing score:
Originality: 9/10
Overall Flow: 7/10
Execution: 7/10
Characterization: 10/10
Spelling/Grammar: 8/10
Overall: 41/50 - 82%
Ever since Stare Master and Hearts and Hooves day, I headcanoned that Sweetie Belle's talent is more than just singing. She might turn out to be a songstress or music meister that can conjur up stage effects and background music.
Anyway, great story. That last poem gave me chills.
I CRIED!!!!!! But it was a lovely story!
Image: http://cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-sweetie.png
Image: http://cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-swcute.png
I liked this; therefore, you get a poem.
What is darkness?
It is evil, it is bad. No! Not that.
Darkness is more primal, darkness has no alignment, it does not choose a side.
Darkness is a refuge, a sanctuary sought by those who wish to not be sought themselves.
Yet darkness gives all contrast; without darkness, there can be no light. Darkness is the friend of all things bright and shining, for without the dark, the bright and glorious are indistinct from each other and useless. Darkness is the nothingness against which all that ‘is’ can be seen. Darkness is the canvas of creation. It is the light that is evil and bad, but light is also good and righteous. For light is merely existence, the pain against the canvas that is darkness.
I didn't get the Hakiu...
And I don't entirely agree with the message of the story. Yes, your siblings are important, and the time you spend with them are going to be important. However, I its still important to get work done, to get a good reputation as an artist. Its about balance, not one above the other.
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