- Member Since 8th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Nov 27th, 2017
Covert Tale
Totally an actual pony and not some sort of shapeshifting creature.
Covert Tale
Joined 8th Feb, 2014 ·
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I believe you accidentally a word.
Also, Ray is best janitor.
cf.mp-cdn.net/13/bd/359b813079eb52c35513d9a3dd31-should-ray-narvaez-jr-be-fired-from-achievement-hunter-rooster-teeth.jpg
Your story appears solid for something short and punchy, so you get a thumbs up from me so far.
The only thing I would suggest at the moment is to smooth out your scene transitions, sometimes it feels like you are jumping to plot sequences like a TV director using a hard cut.
Eh it was alright. Still didn't explain how Joan got out of the coma without waking up with holes in her legs and a queen in her brain. You also missed having Chrysalis's voice heard diminishing in the distance screaming "Not agaaaaaaaain..." Joan was reachable, and Raspberry and Sour were ...not entirely shallow. It was a good short story I'd say. Introduces a lot of stuff, doesn't leave any loose ends, coherent plot from start to finish.