chapter 1
Hello, my name is Minecraft, some ponies might think it's a strange name, but I don't mind. I have a red an green mane and tail, white fur, green aura and eyes. I'm an alicorn by the way and no, I'm not related to Celestia, Luna, Cadence or Twilight Sparkle, also both my parents are unicorns. I also have a twin sister, her name is Carol, she looks exactly like me except she has purple eyes and a purple aura, but we'll talk more about her la- what the!? CAROL! GET OFF ME! *Sigh* look, I know you don't like being an after thought, but may I continue, now where was I? ahh! yes . You're now probably wondering how could I possibly be an alicorn, well, i was born a unicorn, but Princess Celestia us both alicorns at a very young age, why? it starts with my mother, her name is Aura Sparks.
Unlike most ponies, my mother was created by magic, the spell itself was cast by an old unicorn whose name was magical flash. He sadly died three months later, he was, after all, a very old stallion, mother was cared by the other workers in the lab, but she never thought of them as family. Oh! by the way, mother has a light crimson mane and tail, sky blue fur, dark green eyes and aura. One day, when mother was around eight, she was experimenting with magic when something happened. As far as I know there was a bright light and then something appeared, it was white and glowing. One of the workers came over and told her that she just created some sort of magical force and that she was now an inventor, mother liked the idea of being an inventor and said that she would create lots of spells in the future. This statement caused her to gain her cutie mark, two glass beakers, one with orange liquid, the other with green liquid. After that, she managed to put the force in a syringe and, not quite knowing what will happen, injected it into herself and it resulted in a power surge. Nearly destroying the lab, the workers managed to contain her temporally with their magic and put her in the "panic room", a room that disables all forms of magic and ending her power surge.
Twenty years later, mother bumped into a stallion and after a short conversation discovered that his name was Spell Nexus, they became fast friends and stared dating, two years after that they were married. Then another year later me and Carol were born, we were five when it happened. It turned out that Spell Nexus was a teacher at Princess Celestia's school for gifted unicorns, one one day, Celestia tasked him with examining the remains of Nightmare Moon, but dark magic still clung to the remains. The dark magic suddenly leapt at him, though father fought long and hard, in the end the dark magic won, possessing him and giving him the "the blessing".
Mother, Carol and I at the time was at the market, ten minutes after father was possessed,we came home from the market and noticed at once that something was wrong. The room was very dark and father had his back to us, when mother asked if something was wrong, said that everything was fine, because Equestria's true queen, Nightmare Moon, had shown him the truth. Mother knew at once that the dark magic of Nightmare Moon had possessed him, we tried to run, only to find that father had put a locking spell on the door that we couldn't undo, our magic was to weak. At that point, father opened his mouth and all this black smoke came out, grabbing our hoofs and pulling us towards father who grinning evilly, the dark magic tried to force it's way into our mouths, and succeeded with mother, mother knew that she didn't have the power to fight off the magic, so she did the next best thing, gathering all the magic she had, she tried a binding spell.
Ever since her power surge when she was eight, mother's magic would often loose control or cause another power surge, because of all the magic bottled up inside her, so, from then on she only used her magic in emergency and this was an emergency. She watched the magical chains of the binding spell, the binding spell she cast bound the dark magic to herself and Spell Nexus, so it would not spread to other ponies, but because she was a bit out of practice when it came to magic, the binding spell was a very weak spell, meaning the dark magic could still spread. But before she gave her self up, she transferred the force she created all those years ago t us Only then did she let the magic possess her, at that moment I heard a frightened shriek beside me. I looked over at Carol, that horrible back magic that had taken away my mother and father was no longer trying to take her away as well, instead it was draining her magic. She screamed in pain, I sorry to say I could do nothing to help her, it tore me to see the magic and her youth ebbing out of her. By now I'd given up hope that help was going to arrive, but it did, in the form of...
Princess Celestia
Yup you heard correctly and Carol you might want to cover your ears because this next bit isn't exactly appropriate for your age group, no your not old enough, yes I know your seven but your still too young, are your ears covered? good, back to the story. Yes you heard correctly, just click on the link "chapter two" to read what happens next...
Hm? what did you say Carol? Wait let get this straight, you want to have that triple-chocolate-strawberry-banana muffin topped with vanilla ice cream that Pinkie made? ummm... are you sure? I mean I'm not saying that Pinkie's muffins aren't yummy but... ugh fine, just one okay and don't have any thing el- oh! your still here? haven't you clicked on the link yet?
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Huh. Alicorn OCs, Dark/Tragic past cliché, grammar errors, uninspired character name, other people's OCs...
Yep, I don't think this will go anywhere with the way this story has started out. Sorry if I am output as rude, but this will most likely spiral into a train wreck.
That's liable to get you verbally lynched on this site, but good luck otherwise.
Right there, this became cliché. This checks off nearly every 'Don't Do This' in the book of fimfic. I'm sorry, but it's true.
Brilliant.
Why are there so many? Don't you think people would learn!?
Then another year later me and Carol were born, we were five when it happened." What? It said in the description that Minecraft is three years older than her twin sister. Now they're both born 5 years old. Twins are normally born on the same day. Alicorn ocs with an angsty past are a big no no. Did you get Pen Stroke's permission to use his OC? You shouldn't steal characters from people who could write 1000x better than you.
"My sister has a human name and I'm named after a computer game, but I assure you, we're both ponies."
How the hell does this have any upvotes other than the one from the writer herself?
Wait, there's gonna be more of this shit?!
People here don't take kindly to alicorn OCs. I think this is gar-bage!
4871801
I find it funny how she has her name capitalized in the summery, but not in her actual username.
*Reads Description*
Hmmm...Alicorn OC? Check.
Tragic Past? Check.
Not going to even bother to read this.
4871881
*Notices that the OC is also a Cadence recolor*
*Runs away*
Are we all just not gonna talk about THIS?
What even the hell is this? Alicorn OCs, bad designs, bad names, a horrible introduction, a twin sister that's THREE YEARS YOUNGER, shitty writing in general, and without the story even starting it set off almost all the warning signs of BAAAAAD.
There's not enough fire in the world for this.
It's cute how you think this'll have a sequel.
Author has zero favorites, and the story itself checks off virtually every badfic cliche.
Come on, guys, this one's practically waving a sign.
4871894
Wait a sec. The character on the left is HER?
4871917 I wouldn't call that a character.
In fact, it's starting to look like a malignant tumor.
4871922
I thought it was her mother!
4871894 I AM DYING RIGHT NOW.
Well, lemme help you out, here.
Note: if this is a trollfic, well played.
Creating OC's can be tricky. Everyone will attest to that. There are a few issues we ran into with yours. It's not so much that it's an alicorn, because alicorns are a type of creature in Equestria. It's more or less that it wasn't well explained, and the history of everything is very difficult to comprehend.
I've recently created a list of things to watch out for when creating OC's. I'll post it here:
Now, this is your story, so I'm not here to tell you what's right and wrong, but I would suggest reading over some other, more successful OC fics to get some ideas of what you could do in future stories, seeing as how you enjoy writing your character.
Also, I'd consider hiring an editor to help you out with construction and whatnot. We all need them, so there's no shame in asking for help.
I'm not voting this story either way, because I feel like this isn't a real representation of what you want to be able to do.
Anyway, have a great day!
4871969
Hey, it works for Jojo's Bizarre Adventure.
4871965 Maybe we're just having fun.
(i know i am)
4871978 Meh, it's more or less a stereotype question. Like, Dark Star, Black Razor... things like that.
4871979 TWOW
STOP HAVING ASSBUTT
Oh. Oh my. This... oh dear.
Let's, um, take a look at this and see where we can improve.
Kay. Let's start with who I assume is going to be your protagonist. Let's compare Minecraft to FiM's main protagonist, Twilight Sparkle. I want you to take a moment and describe Twilight without talking about what she looks like or what her job is. Go ahead and write down a few words, and then hover your mouse over my list and compare.
-Intelligent
-Studious
-Perfectionist
-Eager to please
-Socially awkward
-Knowledgeable
-Leader
-Nerdy/Dorky
-Easily stressed
That's by no means exhaustive, but you get the idea. None of these things are ever stated, of course, but we know them through how Twilight behaves and interacts with others, and that's what makes her endearing. All of this is established in the opening scenes of "Friendship is Magic" (after the story of Nightmare Moon, of course).
Now, I'm going to make another list for Minecraft, based on this chapter.
-
Um... yeah. I've been sitting here for five minutes and can't think of anything. I could probably do a bit for the parents, but I get the feeling they won't be showing up again for a while.
This is the challenge with OCs. Too many people try to make them interesting by making them alicorns, giving them a unique appearance or giving them some kind of tragic backstory. But what makes a character interesting isn't what's interesting or what's happened to her, but who she is.
Work on that for your next story. Or, use an existing character, where all that hard work has been done. Once you have a character your readers can care about, they might start caring about what happens to her.
~Scribblestick
4872024 Probably not.
4872045 A. Not everyone knows and B. People get stupid.
See's description...
4871965 That doesn't mean we still can't have fun with it
4872119 But i'm not upset and I find it quite funny actually
Now if the author had a meltdown(hint hint nudge nudge)
It would be fantastic.
4872153 I know it's probably a trollfic. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt these days though. One time I thought somebody was writing a trollfic, but apparently he was dead serious and thought his story was really good.
puu.sh/aYxMD/1a9a339ecf.gif
*Is looking at new stories on phone earlier* Wtf is this? Self-insert? Black and red alicorn/Gary Stu?
*comes back later on computer to check new comments and if it is [CLASSIFIED].
Your lack of story-telling experience amuses me.
A lot.
Might I recommend you fifteen different editors and pre-readers? Looks like you'll need it.
[This is coming from someone with a red-and-black OC whose first story made her a Mary Sue.]
Yeah, this is a trollfic. While not the most obvious one, that last paragraph pretty much seals the deal.
Pic related. That's all i got to say.
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131020190248/terraria/es/images/c/c0/Ohgodwhy.png
Obvious trollfic is obvious.