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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You've piqued my interest. I'll read it, but only because your writing it and I trust you in terms of being able to write a good story.
4612601 I'm flattered
. It's definitely not my best, and I highly highly doubt I'll come back to add anything to it, but it was primarily a writing exercise to begin with. I put it up on the site because I need it to get critiqued if I'm going to improve.
If its critique you want, then critique you will get!
So, going through this, I was a bit thrown back with it starting AFTER the sex. Doesn't happen much, at least with one shots and such. I guess this is more a short story than a one shot, but still. As for the interactions, they were nicely done, each of the main six very well played out, including how you described each of them in terms of clothing and style. Very rarely do I see the naked anthro style be used, but here it is...sort of.
With that we get to the main part, which is...surprisingly short. If I had one complaint, it would be that, but considering that it's your first time writing (and his first time overall.) I will go a bit easy. With how you described some of the things, such as the foreplay and the kissing, that was very well done, so intense and romantic, with a hint of lust, just the right amount in all categories! With others, such as the sex, it was a bit...bland. That is mostly with the fact that it was so short, but along with that, a few of the ways you described it, such as how he was thrusting back and forth is a bit boring. In my opinion, no one wants to hear that there isn't any fireworks or music, we already can figure that out (at least I hope we can). My advise would be to try and keep things a bit flowery. Like Rarity would say, add some color to the words (At least I think she would say that).
Besides that, overall I found this to be a rather enjoyable read. Liking and putting it with my favs, well done my friend
Also, if you are ever in need of some help with writing, be it advise or just some editing, let me know, I will be more than happy to help.