It seems like a horrible idea to assign a manipulative courtesan to help a guilt-ridden war mage. It seems even crazier to pair a insane dominatrix with a veteran plagued by nightmares. But remember, love always appears in the unlikeliest of places.
If you'd listen to me, I've learned from previous mistakes.
Never, NEVAR! EVAR!
Post just the prologues *yes and I mean multiple...*
that was supposed to be a joke, cause I made it plural and stuff and–
What I'm saying is, from previous experiences posting just the prologue might not be enough for new readers. (What I'm talking about we're new readers reading a new story.)
If the new reader likes what they're getting and per say just finished the prologue he or she is going to want to move on. You know to get the full fix of the story (A.K.A chapter 1).
But what am I talking about I'm not one to give writing advice! BAH!
“Chains,” is a sadistic dominatrix who loves to torture the stallions under her control. Winding Sheets is a cunning courtesan. Love is just a fairy tale to them.
Sorry, couldn't get past that without "ing" and "ing".
4472374 Well the plan was to hit the prologue first and then shortly afterward hit the "Latest updates" section with the next two chapters within about 6 hours. But for some reason... well I see no story summary on the Latest Updates section But here are the next two chapters for your enjoyment
I'll admit I'm intrigued enough that I'll be following this as it progresses. However, I did notice a few mistakes that I feel you should know about.
He couldn’t smile, couldn’t talk to wife, or even face his children.
"couldn't talk to his wife,"
A slight hint of annoyance broke Celestia’s her serene expression as her thoughts turned to the Council.
Remove the first "her" here after "Celestia's"
He kept trying to shut down the program by reasoning its a waste of tax dollars,
If the its could be perfectly replaced with "it is" or "It has", then it should be "it's"
However, she always wore false mask that eventually became everything she knew.
Should be either "always wore a false mask" or "always wore false masks"
Scarlet, had found in Stalwart, a new father.
Remove the set of commas here.
However, less than year ago
less than a year ago
Emerald had a down-to-earth and trustworthy character made him the perfect choice to monitor the program’s veteran participants.
This should either read "Emerald had a down-to-earth and trustworthy character which made him the perfect choice to monitor the program’s veteran participants" or "Emerald's down-to-earth and trustworthy character made him the perfect choice to monitor the program’s veteran participants."
Your off to a very interesting start here. I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
Hmn, this is a fairly interesting idea, let's see where it goes.
Hmmmmmmm. You've caught my interest... Now you have my attention. I wait for more of this
Will read later. You had me at the use of "courtesan".
Wha–no! Vren!
If you'd listen to me, I've learned from previous mistakes.
Never, NEVAR! EVAR!
Post just the prologues *yes and I mean multiple...*
that was supposed to be a joke, cause I made it plural and stuff and–
What I'm saying is, from previous experiences posting just the prologue might not be enough for new readers. (What I'm talking about we're new readers reading a new story.)
If the new reader likes what they're getting and per say just finished the prologue he or she is going to want to move on. You know to get the full fix of the story (A.K.A chapter 1).
But what am I talking about I'm not one to give writing advice! BAH!
Other than that goodstorymanIlovedithere
10/10 Best story 2014
Breaks the box office!
No really I liked it.
… Interested... following because people with PTSD always push my guilt button.
Sorry, couldn't get past that without "ing" and "ing".
Now this is an interesting premise.
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Well then now that the next two chapters are up... are you now... satisfied?
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4472374
Well the plan was to hit the prologue first and then shortly afterward hit the "Latest updates" section with the next two chapters within about 6 hours. But for some reason... well I see no story summary on the Latest Updates section But here are the next two chapters for your enjoyment
This is one of those situations that you know would crash and burn in real life, but it works in a fictional setting.
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in a word yes lol
I'll admit I'm intrigued enough that I'll be following this as it progresses. However, I did notice a few mistakes that I feel you should know about.
"couldn't talk to his wife,"
Remove the first "her" here after "Celestia's"
If the its could be perfectly replaced with "it is" or "It has", then it should be "it's"
Should be either "always wore a false mask" or "always wore false masks"
Remove the set of commas here.
less than a year ago
This should either read "Emerald had a down-to-earth and trustworthy character which made him the perfect choice to monitor the program’s veteran participants" or "Emerald's down-to-earth and trustworthy character made him the perfect choice to monitor the program’s veteran participants."
Should be "it's" or "it is" again.
A joint project with Comet Burst? I'm in. Oh and, uh, you too, dear author...