- Member Since 8th Mar, 2013
- offline last seen 10 hours ago
King Artermis
I write to write, and will try to help those that are having life troubles. My IRL friends labeled me the male Princess Luna because of my night owl status. I am King Artermis of the Moon.
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Okay, a few things:
Your protagonist has some shades of a Stu. Colour changing eyes, enough power to defeat Sombra, switching to first person one time, and New Powers as the Plot Demands. The narrative is also tailored to keep attention on him and his coolness and dismisses other things. For instance, he teleports right to Shining Armor without knowing where he is.
He can also apparently assault the prince of a realm, cripple him, and then demand his arrest without anypony stepping in. If he's only royal advisor, why isn't he swarmed with guards as soon as he attacks Shining Armor?
Lastly, sacrificing a canon character in order to make your OC look good. Coupled with his stu-ishness, that comes across pretty aggravating.
So, all in all, I can't upvote this. I'm sorry.
4404993
The autor is more autistic than batman how someone in his sane mind can write this
4405718
Hey now, no need for ad hominem attacks! Let's keep things topical. Insults only drag down the entire debate.
I pretty much agree with everything Derpsby said. Additionally, it would be one thing if the character had simply assaulted Shining Armor, but snapping off his horn, the defining characteristic and source of magical ability for unicorns, is way over the top. I could see a character doing something like that in a blind fit of rage, but not in a situation where he clearly had some semblance of self-control. That seems like the kind of thing for which even Celestia would banish you without a second thought, and it seems ridiculous that Cadence would respond to being presented with her (abusive or not) husband's horn with anything less than horror and/or disgust. It'd certainly get more of a reaction than a gasp followed by immediate acceptance. It makes the characters feel a lot less real.
An issue Derpsby didn't mention is that this whole thing just kinda comes out of nowhere. We only know that the character has visited the Crystal Empire and had a hand in stopping King Sombra, but apart from that we know nothing. There's no exposition of the kind of relationship that the character has with Cadence and Shining armor. This is an issue throughout the story, but it's particularly problematic when we're considering those two. Obviously they have a great deal of respect for the character if they're making him the royal adviser, and he's equally obviously a close personal friend of Cadence, given the nickname and the character's immediate "get you cleaned up" response upon seeing her, but we can only infer these things because of what the character is doing here and now. There is no background explanation given whatsoever. How did the rulers of the Crystal Empire get to know the character so well, and vice versa, when he's only visited the Empire twice in the past? What did the character do during those visits that built trust and respect between him and the royal couple? What is the nature of their relationship? Without any substance to that relationship, all of the actions that the character takes from seeing Cadence onward just feel arbitrary and contrived.
As it's going, I don't see any way for this story to work. With significant re-imagining and some serious overhaul, however, I think I could like this, OP character and all. It'd take some serious work, but it can be done. Cadence romances are one of my favorite sub-genres, and I hate to see one that looks so rough right outta the gate.
4404993
And let's not forget the two or three places where the prose inexplicably switches between second- and first-person.
As Derpsby pointed out, the way Shining is handled here is... really egregious. The story reminds me largely of what I 'affectionately' refer to as my days in the trenches of the Zelphine wars, back in the FF8 fandom, referring to the popular wars between two ships - Zell/Selphie ("Zelfie"), and Selphie/Irvine ("Selphine").
Zelphine was the common battlegrounds for these two ships. The basic plot boiled down to "Hero A finds poor, abused, probably raped, Selphie sobbing after her current boyfriend/husband abused/raped her, tracks down boyfriend, beats the tar out of him, comes back to hit it off with Selphie and usually knock her up within 6 hours of her traumatic experience."
The big problem with Zelphine stories (and this one) is threefold. They hinge on the following cardinal sins:
1: Annoyingly perfect main character (check)
2: OOC demonization of a canon character for the crime of being in the ship's way (check)
3: Trivializing the heroine's trauma in favor of the ship (not check yet, but assuming it'll be there.)
Now, let's ignore Point 1 for now. The character is OP, but there are plenty of ways to work through that, among them the possibility that a trained guardspony who has been using magic since he was a colt could actually be a match for our varichromatic-eyed warrior-mageling. By the by, if you ever get a chance to handle deer antler? Just *try* snapping it with one hand some time.
The big problem here is 2 (perhaps this should be referred to as the 'Flash Sentry Effect' in this fandom.) Honestly? I don't give a flying feather what happens with Anon's romance with Cadance - and he's supposed to be me!
I want to find out what the fuck is up with Shining Armor. I could see him conducting an affair, possibly because he thought he'd get away with it and is secretly a colossal asshole, or possibly because he thought it was the right - or necessary - thing to do at the time. There's a story there, and I'd like to know what it is.
But the HUGE problem here?
Shining Armor, apparently went from zero to Chris Brown when Cadance called him on his affair. This pony, whose life is defined by his desire to protect those close to him, whose butt is emblazoned with a freakin' shield, turned on his wife, the beloved former foal-sitter of his kid sister, and beat the shit out of her. Even if he'd fallen out of love with her, that he would resort to physical abuse when accused of cheating is... stretching things. Just an eensy, teensy bit. Why would he do something like that? Is Cadance telling the truth? Is it really Cadance? Questions, questions, questions, and no answers in sight.
It's like Mahatma Ghandi going out, getting a cheeseburger, and kicking a puppy on his way out of McDonald's. There's something wrong with that picture, and the reader is more interested in that than in Anon's amazing display of masculinity in permanently crippling a pony who was apparently his friend up until about ten minutes before without remorse or real effort.
The story could be salvaged pretty quickly by using a different MC and focusing on *that* story instead. Half tempted to do so myself, honestly, just to prove the point.
4405718
*smiles thinly*
My brother's autistic. Go play in a wood chipper, m'kay?
4407212 4406121 4406070 4405760 4405718 4404993
Okay, all great points, and honestly I posted this mostly because I wanted to show I'm still alive, but also so I could try my hoof at a second person fic that won't be sixty chapters long.
I will try to turn this around, but don't expect too much to Change other than some explanations, and maybe a completely unexpected ending
.
The reason for the random swaps between 1st, and 2nd person is because I usually wright in 1st person
. Also because I have trouble focusing on some things for long periods of time
, and I try my best not to make excuses, but this is a fic to just put ideas into, and if you want to be a literature Nazi, please go do so on my other fictions please
.
TSAoE is a fic I have been working on, and I would appreciate the extra help
. Thank you for beating me back into line my fare readers
. No sarcasm at all
.
Oh cadence... I will let Phil Collins do my comment for me.
Well its interesting seeing Cadence and Armor in the marriage problems……but I think you got a bit rush with the confrontation, I mean Cadence just say 'please don't hurt him' then the next moment she is ok with him shaping his horn? That don't make some sense.
Also I think you got him a bit problem solver in an unnecessary way, Cadence could and in that context should had stop him, she is the princess of love for pit sake hurt or not, cheated or not, with sorrow or not, she know mercy and although Armor need discipline she would be horrified with what he did, its like he break his spine right in front of her, and that doesn't make him look like the hero that makes him look like another monster hurting the one that she already has.
Also he could had just run to confront Armor he didn't go to far away, teleporting sound unnecessary, and Armor could had being on an important meeting, he is STILL the king, and lastly, yeah advisor or not, guards are obligated to stop, maybe they would had allow a punch or 2 but when he pin him they should had act, and they can't arrest him without proves, unless Cadence say so, they can't do much.
Bottom line it was good up until the confrontation, but don't worry that is easy to fix, take away the horn snapping change teleport with him just confronting him and when he demand his arrest Cadence appear and beg for them to stop and just order the arrest of Armor, saying he deserve a fair trial and violence to solve violence only result in suffering.
Its better that way in my opinion and you don't lost anything, so what do you say? would you at least consider changing that ending
(Raises index finger before giving his thoughts. But then Notices the comments are as long as the story he just read.) *Ahem, good job. Have a like on me. One thing I'd like to piont out is your exicution on making shinning the low life scum. Your writting style pionts this out, such as him being refered to as Shinning Slut. (Love the it by the way
) But we need to have more build up, suspicions, Candence hoping he wouldn't do such a thing, keeping it to herself until the main protaganist presses the qustions further. What I'm saying is, 1,000 words can't hold that much content, emotion, character devoplemeant and atmousphere. I liked the set up,this guy with the unique backstory, special powers. SOOO MUCH POTENTIAL!!!
. Um...exuess me. I get kind of "Thrilled" by these kind of things. This could be great, don't excuess yourself from writting something that has great potential. Take all the time you need to exicute it in a way that shows what your trying to tell us. "A story is never written, it is Re-written." Think about that. Take care.
4409286 Well its interesting seeing Cadence and Armor in the marriage problems……but I think you got a bit rush with the confrontation, I mean Cadence just say 'please don't hurt him' then the next moment she is ok with him shaping his horn? That don't make some sense.
For this i would guess she maybe just was affraid if that would maybe change to much, i mean in Tv they always shows the woman wich are a bit afraid of theyre boyfriends and maybe even think they are guilty themself.
Good Story, i think it is ok but i would prefer it if you don´t rush the next proceedings. Maybe this happens to fast but i am somehow ok with it and don´t have a real problem with it
4435719
Your point? because I don't know if you are ok or against what I say, care to explain?
4435766 I don´t mean it bad, i just want to share my guess about what i mention earlier.
I only read the first half of your comment.
Ehm well i think i am mostly ok with what you said.
Sorry, i speak normally German, could be a reason why i don´t managed to make clear right away
4435791
Don't worry, my native language is spanish, so english for me can be tricky at times too
4435791
Don't worry, my native language is spanish, so english for me can be tricky at times too
"So you get off of the train that has a brand new sparkling crystal station that is closer to the city then the remote station that was a couple miles from the city limits. "
This sentence is way too long. I have no idea what is happening...
"The foals smile at you before running off. You chuckle at their childish ways before continuing on your way to the palace."
Wow, children being childish? Who would've guessed it?
"...for it reminded you of your old home on Earth. No you didn’t live in a solid crystal house, but you’re parents gave you the family heirlooms"
Wait wut? How does it remind him of his home on Earth then? If the only similarities are the heirlooms then theoretically he should feel at home everywhere... Also incorrect use of "You're"
“If you would be so kind?” You say before she lights her horn, and your baggage floats off with her as she turns down a hall, leaving you to yourself.
I have a mental image of her lighting a match and holding it to her horn... Heh.
“Anonymous, what are you doing in here?”
“Taking care of your wife as an advisor should.” You reply blatantly.
So that's what the job of an adviser is!
Being done with her face you grab a new tissue, and hold it to her nose."
Is her nose not a part of her face? Okay then...
“What would you do Anny?”
No.
That is something that is NOT a nickname for Anonymous.
I'm done with this fic.
Goodbye
Wow...that escalated fast!
Me thinks that Twi is going to be upset! I hope I see an Anon/Twi spat!
When will this story continue?
dark but good, looking forward to when it updates
stay classy
Was this discontinued?
Come back to meeeeeeeee~
4480193
I'm sorry if I made this too terrible to read, but let me just say that your comment made my day on how funny it made my writing look.
Also, the new chapter makes a few things more coherent in some ways. Wow that sentence was weird for me to write.
Either way, if your wish to not read then my all means, but I ask lightly for you to give it a second chance.
Finally what took so long?
well shit
well
i492.photobucket.com/albums/rr289/axlthehedgehog_2008/responses/wat/luna_gasp_by_csimadmax-d3gcteb.png
i like it
stayclassy
The return...has come...
\(._.)/ PRAISE THE SUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!! \(._.)/
Will the wait be long for the next chapter? Or shorter? Please shorter...
Dang, kinda wished it was shining armor
5776013
Once Spring break starts it will be cranking out chaps for you all as I didn't know this story was liked so much.
5779641
: yaaayyy
\(._.)/
\(._.)/
THE PRAISERS HAVE BEEN DOUBLED!!!!
Dear god I'm bored...
5779641
I thought this would be bad but with what I've been reading this pretty normal but also very inticing ten spike moustaches
Update?
4480193
You Sir or Madam are an absolute god of humor. That whole post had me laughing. But this
Is absolute Gold. That section had me laughing my flank off.
Great job.
The Monk
Is that really a candle or a blowtorch disguised as a candle?
7766124
No, but it did take longer than it seems to heat those nails.
is this story dead?
7860531
No just on pause until I get a new laptop as all I have is a mobile phone and it can't type very well. It took me ten minutes to type this btw.
7865679 ah, well it's a good story.
In memoriam of a dead story, we bow our heads
7865679
hope you can continue the story
Hi I know I'm a bit late but can you continue this plzzzz
10227152
Once the c-19 bs blows over. Ive been focusing on keeping my family alive. Some have compromised immune systems.
Wow this is really goo-
Wait. This wasn't made in 2021, was it?
If this story is really dead, can we get a quick RIP? 'Cause this was damn good.
10228957
I hope they are well. I know this is a little late, seeing as how you posted that when the virus’s spread was a lot worse, almost two years ago. Times have been trying over those past two years.
If it’s any solace, I think this story has potential if you ever want to continue it.