911
Hi everypony. My name is Lyra Heartstrings. I live in Ponyville.
About a month ago, after Princess Twilight Sparkle's new palace appeared and the Princess and her friends took over running Ponyville, the Princess created a new system for reporting and responding to emergencies in Ponyville. It's a prototype for a system that, if successful, will be implemented throughout Equestria.
I'm here to tell you that the Princess' emergency response system needs...a lot of work. Mostly due to ponies not really understanding how to use it.
The system needs unicorns in order to cast the relay spells that direct an emergency report to the right response unit—you know, volunteer fire department, Royal Guard, hospital, Princess Twilight, and so forth. Since I don't exactly have what you might call a steady job, I signed up as a dispatch pony. We have four emergency stations, each covering approximately the same amount of territory in Ponyville. I'm responsible for the south side station from noon to eight.
I'd like to share with you some of the emergency reports I get in an average day. In the interest of fairness, I'll also share some where I could have been...a little more helpful to the pony reporting the emergency.
* * * * *
12:30pm
An angry mare galloped up to my station. "YOU GOTTA HELP ME!"
"What's your emergency, ma'am?" I asked.
She waved a sandwich in my face. "YOU SEE THIS PICKLE?" There was a tiny slice of pickle sticking out of the edge of the sandwich.
I blinked. "Yeah, I see that pickle. It's...a nice pickle?"
"I TOLD THAT @^$*#&!&! NO. PICKLES. NO! PICKLES!"
"Uhh...huh," I said. "So...did you try asking them to make you a new sandwich without the pickle?"
"SHE SAID I COULD TAKE THE @^$*#&!&! PICKLE AND SHOVE IT UP MY @^$*#&!&!!"
I sighed. "Ma'am...a restaurant's customer service problems don't really count as an emergency."
"BUT I WANT PRINCESS TWILIGHT TO TURN HER @^$*#&!&! INTO A PICKLE!!"
"Yeah...I don't really see that happening," I said. "And if you were this loud and rude and foul-mouthed to the staff at the restaurant, I can see why they didn't help you."
"@^$*#&!&! YOU!!"
"Please go away, ma'am," I said wearily.
* * * * *
1:15pm
Three fillies stampeded my station, skidding to a halt seconds before they collided painfully with the kiosk.
Knowing these three fillies from their exploits around Ponyville, I dreaded what they might have done. "What's your emergency, girls?" I asked.
Apple Bloom shuffled her hooves. "Umm...we may have...kinda...by accident...set Miss Vinyl's house on fire."
Relaying a dispatch to the Ponyville fire department is the easiest part of this job. Our "fire department" is just the pegasus weather team, so all I have to do is cast a signal flare spell that points in the general direction of the fire. I jumped out of the kiosk, pointed my horn in the direction of Vinyl Scratch's house, and shot a bright, flashy signal flare into the sky. Seconds later, Rainbow Dash and Thunderlane zipped past, a line of grey clouds trailing behind them.
"The fire department is on the way," I told the fillies. "Now, I'm going to need to take down some details of exactly how this fire started..."
* * * * *
2pm
A Hay Burger employee ran up to me. His fast food uniform was covered in heavy red splotches. I assumed he'd had an accident with the ketchup. I was wrong.
"What's your emergency, and would you like hay fries with that?" I asked.
He blinked stupidly at me, then shook his head. "My manager was trampled to death right in front of me!"
I sat up straighter, instantly alert. "Would you repeat that please, sir?"
"I work at Hay Burger, and an angry customer just trampled my boss to death!"
An angry customer? It couldn't be... "Sir, was this customer a particularly loud, foul-mouthed mare? Did the incident involve a pickle slice?"
He nodded, eyes wide. "Are you psychic?" he asked.
"No, that same mare tried to report a pickle emergency a little while ago," I said. I began furiously scrawling an incident ticket. "Has the suspect been subdued?"
He nodded again. "We dogpiled her and tied her to the soda fountain."
"And were any other ponies harmed in the incident?"
"Some bruises and cuts, but I don't really think anypony else was hurt."
"Good." I added that to the incident report. Once I was done, I cast a spell that engulfed the ticket in green flames. It's a difficult spell, one that until recently only Princess Celestia could cast, but it sends letters directly to Princess Twilight by way of Spike the Dragon. "Please return to the crime scene," I told him. "Princess Twilight and the Dusk Guard will arrive momentarily to take the suspect into custody. They'll want to take your statement."
"Thank you," the stallion said before sprinting away.
* * * * *
3:15pm
A wailing brown colt ran up to my station, the propeller on his beanie spinning crazily. "AUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he cried. "HELP! HELP! MY MOM'S DYING!"
"Calm down!" I said. "Tell me what happened."
He sniffled. "Well, I was fighting starspiders in the Hall of Hooves when suddenly she started screaming and I ran into the living room and BOOSH!" He gestured expansively with his hooves. "Like a hundred gallons of water just came out of her butt!" He jumped over the counter, grabbed me, and shook me. "MY MOM POPPED AND NOW SHE'S LEAKING TO DEATH!"
I gently pried him off with my magic and smiled at him, patting him on the head with my hoof. "Your mom isn't dying, sweetie," I said gently. "She's about to have a baby."
"She's huh wha?" he asked, blinking.
I giggled. "What's your mom's name?"
"Love Tap," he said distractedly.
I nodded. "I'll alert Ponyville Hospital. A nurse or midwife will be along shortly. For now, go home and take care of your mother."
"She's really gonna be okay?"
"I promise she's just fine," I said, smiling.
"Okay...thanks nice lady," he said, running off.
* * * * *
4:50pm
A pink filly with a tiara perched on her head stormed up to my station. Her eyes were bloodshot and furious, her coat was covered in mud and leaves, and her tail was matted with what appeared to be sticky tree sap.
"What's your emergency?" I asked.
"I DEMAND the immediate removal of all blank flanks from Ponyville!" she screeched. "Look what those BLANK FLANKS DID TO ME!"
"You're...a little dirty," I said. "Go home and take a bath."
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT! THOSE THREE BLANK FLANKS ARE A MENACE TO SOCIETY! I DEMAND PUNISHMENT!"
"So talk to their parents...or whoever takes care of them," I said. "Or your teacher. Unless you're saying they actually did something life-threatening to you." I leaned over the counter. "Do you want me to tell Princess Twilight that three fillies did something to you that could have seriously hurt or killed you?"
The filly considered that. "But...but..." She shook her head. "My daddy's the richest pony in Ponyville! So I can demand those three be thrown out! I—"
"Go home, kid," I said, picking the filly up in my magic and gently tossing her several yards away.
"I'LL HAVE YOUR JOB FOR THIS!" she screeched.
* * * * *
6:15pm
Big Macintosh trotted up to my station.
"What's your emergency?" I asked.
He had a sheepish look on his face. "Umm...Ah don't rightly know how t' put it without offendin' you, miss..."
"I've heard just about everything," I said. "And I need to know exactly what your emergency is."
"Well..." He swallowed. "This...mare...who Ah'm not opposed t' spendin' time with...well, she's in heat, and..."
I blinked. "How exactly is that an emergency?" I asked. "I'm sure at some point you were taught about the birds and the bees. If your marefriend is in heat, then you—"
"I! DEMAND! TO! BE! RUTTED!!" a mare's voice screamed, shaking buildings for several blocks. A dustcloud, ten feet high, was rapidly approaching.
"—run and hide," I advised, eyes wide in terror.
"Eeeyup," Big Macintosh agreed, whinnying as he took off at full gallop. A moment later, a magenta blur thundered past.
* * * * *
7:30pm
A frantic mule ran up to my station, screaming and in tears.
"What's your emergency?" I asked, barely looking up from filing my hoof.
"MY BALLS FELL OFF!!" the mule screamed.
I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. I gave him a once-over. Indeed, his danglies appeared to be missing, and that entire area of his body was wrapped in a blood-soaked bandage.
"You're a mule," I pointed out. "It's not like they were any use to you anyway."
The mule just stared at me like I'd grown a second horn out of my butt.
I sighed. "I'll arrange to have you teleported to minor emergency care," I said, writing down a dispatch slip and casting the spell to send it on its way. Several seconds later, the screaming mule disappeared.
* * * * *
A half hour after my shift, I trudged wearily through my front door, happy to be home.
"Welcome home, Lyra," my roommate called. "How was your day?"
"@^$*#&!&!," I muttered before collapsing onto the living room sofa.
"Sorry to hear that," she said. She held up a wrinkled, dripping green vegetable. "Pickle?"
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- MythrilMoth · 1k words · 105 28 · 3.1k views
- Donraj · 3.5k words · 30 10 · 1.5k views
- Normal · 1k words · 59 7 · 1.8k views
- Gray Compass · 1.7k words · 57 9 · 2.3k views
- Spartan-Guy 88 · 2.9k words · 36 2 · 1.4k views
- Takarashi282 · 1.6k words · 49 8 · 1.8k views
- Metool Bard · 1k words · 35 0 · 980 views
Stats
Page generated in 0.181 seconds
Total duration
969 users online
2,525,405 hits today, 2,924,228 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I had a sensible chuckle
Haw.
Dat Cheerimac moment.
Good job there Moth.
Ever thought of doing a Cops parody or something?
d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/a5dnn7q_700b.jpg
And suddenly I wanted to strangle her.
Anyway, good story.
This premise reminds me somewhat of an old t.v. show back in the 70's called "Emergency" which came out around the time parademic units first came into widespread use. The show centered around two paramedics with their own unit, who had a portable telephone box that allowed them to contact Rampart Hospital as they treated patients at the scene, before transfering them if neccessary. There were a lot of cases that even for 1970's standards were weird.
i.imgur.com/BbgL7x3.png
The... last one was kinda cruel i think...
4401766
4401959
Actually Mules are in the same classification as Ligers and several other crossbreeds in that they are borne Sterile and unable to produce children. So, she may have been a bit of a bitch about it... but, she was being rather accurate.
They are the cross breed result between a Donkey and Pony/Horse if I recall.
I work dispatch for the police, so this made me smile
4403405 How many dumb fast food complaints do you get in an average month?
Progress marches on. With a limp.
Fantastic story. I especially like the implication that Twilight's revolutionizing magic. Getting a spell from "Only Celestia can cast it" to "Any mare off the street can learn it"? That's impressive.
Thank you for this.
....
People really call 911 (or 112 in europe) for wrongly taken restaurant orders...?
Can I get a source for that?
Like... are people really that stupid...?
4403492 Small town so we get less of the "Sue cause my coffee was hot" inanity and more "Heard from a friend who/heard it from a friend who/heard it from another you been messin around" or "got into an argument cause my boyfriend wont stop telling my husband about how we sleep together."
Ahh small town life
...humorous.
4404493 A woman was arrested just this week for calling 911 because Subway put the wrong sauce on her sandwich.
This kind of shit happens ALL THE TIME in the US. And it IS a crime to do this.
I like this a lot.
4402790 And that's why it was funny.
4402790 That kinda sucks for them. It's like, nope, you need ponies and donkeys to help your species live!
Or does it not really work that way?
4405434 Mules are RARELY able to foal. All male mules are sterile. Most if not all cases of female mules foaling require a horse to sire the foal.
4405506 Yeah it's a catch 22 if you're a guy mule you're useless in breeding but, in a world like Equestria they'd likely make a killing as a whore because no need to worry about babies.
4405875 But they're so ugly what mare would want to?
4405937 Desperate and horny ones who are in a bad heat? I dunno
Another story to add to 'Weird Jobs Lyra Has Had'. Somepony should make a group for those.
Sterile =/= unable to have sex. Unless you happen to be a hard-core fundamentalist and think sex should only take place for the purpose of making babies.
4408053 Way to miss the point there dude.
4405506 Ah.
Well, I can certainly understand why Cranky Doodle is cranky now.
4409052 He's a donkey, not a mule. Of course, Matilda is probably too old to have children by now anyway, but if they'd found each other a lot sooner, they'd probably have a nice little donkey family.
4408904
What point? I was joking about the fundamentalist bit: now I suppose we need to work out whether mules enjoy sex or not
(they certainly do have sex if they aren't castrated.)
To be more concise: yes, Lyra was being a bitch and being more like this http://www.fimfiction.net/story/175071/1/a-train-on-fire-full-of-orphans/really-there-are-a-lot-of-orphans-and-fire-in-here Lyra than the one in the earlier part of the story. Which was an amusing story.
"No, Ma'am! I'm not going to send the Guard to enforce your haybacon veggieburger!"
Fun job!
Incidentally, my friend's XBox Live username used to be: A Big Nasty Pickle.
I know you're saying that this is a one-shot, but I'd like to see more.
More chapters please
Having worked both tech support AND emergency dispatch I can in some way feel Lyra's pain. Fun story!
I would love to see more chapters
4618135 You already said that. The story is tagged Complete for a reason. Please stop asking.
4618142 sorry. it's just that this is a great idea and it would be cool if it was expanded
4618165 I appreciate that, but there won't be any more of this story.
4618183 :(
Funny story.
Have a treat:
atemptingvegan.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/pickle1.jpg
This was a wonderful story, and it's a pity there won't be any more.
Button Mash was my favorite, though.
5019200 Writing Button Mash's part was my favorite.
......
on a side note, the Emergency Number you dial apparently isn't the same for every state. A few years ago my best fried told me he was going to kill himself through AIM on AOL. I turned off my computer, called them up, told the answerer what was going on and the lady on the other side of the phone asked why I didn't call the PA extension. I've lived in Delaware my whole life and all those emergency commercials said to call 911 in case of an emergency. How the heck was I supposed to know what PA's emergency number was? I asked as much and then asked again for help.
Was she just pulling my leg as a joke? If she was, I am not amused.
4403405
Thank you for being willing to put up with stupid-people so that you can help the not-quite-so-stupid people. We of the not-so-stupid appreciate it.
5021385 Was your friend in the same city as you/same state? When you call 911, it connects to the dispatch that matches your phone's area code and prefix. This is why I pray I never run into trouble in Houston. I live two hours east of Houston, so if I call 911 on my phone, it's gonna connect to my local emergency dispatch--not the Houston emergency dispatch.
So if your friend wasn't in the same general area as you, there's nothing your local 911 emergency dispatch could've done.
(At least, this is my understanding of how the system works.)
5021671
Okay, that makes sense, and no, he doesn't. He and his family moved to Lancaster PA a few years ago. I live in Delaware, near Middletown.
5024992 Yeah, that's why. The 911 emergency dispatch in your area can only handle dispatch calls for your area. They can't contact police/emergency rescue in other cities, counties, or states.
"His balls fell off?"
"Yeah, he was pretty old."
Aww, it ended right when the going got good. Although, about the spontaneous testicular ejection... Good punchline, but, how. Just, how.
Yup, that happens all too often. :)
Just another day in Ponyville. What we find hilarious may be torture for others. But, what can you do?