The Derpy Report

by Owlor

Applejack

THE DERPY REPORT

Part 2. Applejack

“An interview?” Applejack asked, cleaning the sweat from her eyebrow with a forehoof. “Derpy, what in tarnation are you up to?”

“Please?” Derpy said with pleading eyes. “It's just a short one, it won't be long!”

Just like Twilight before her, Applejack realized that logic simply did not apply to this situation, and decided to just go along with it.

“Well, I do need some help repairin' the fance back a' the farm,” she said, gesturing towards Sweet Apple Acres with a tilt of her head.. “Help me out an’ we'll talk in the meantime.”

“Deal!” Derpy said, happy that she would be getting her interview and followed Applejack to the farm.

---

The fence in question had been reduced to a sorry stack of splinter and rusted nails by a recent storm. Only the wooden poles remained; Big Macintosh had secured them so deep into the ground and they would withstand anything less severe than the apocalypse. Derpy gulped as she realized the extent of the project. It was clear that by 'repair' Applejack had meant 'rebuild'.

“Gosh, there's just so much that needs to be done!” Derpy said.

“An’ it ain’t gonna fix itself by us starin' at it,” Applejack replied and they went to work.

Derpy’s job was to hold the planks up as Applejack placed nails with her mouth and kicked them in. It went slow at first, but once the two ponies had a decent rhythm going, they began to reconstruct the fence with mechanical speed.

---

“Phew! Working on a farm is hard!” Derpy exclaimed.

“Oh yeah,” Applejack said, kicking in another nail into the wood. “But it's good honest work, not like those hoity toity ponies in Canterlot.” Derpy noticed that her next kick was slightly firmer than the rest of them had been.

“They do nothin’ useful!” Applejack continued ranting. “Yet they go around, snout in the air, thinkin' they are better than everypony else just ‘cus they were born rich!”

Derpy didn't say anything for a while. She simply held the planks up dutifully, even though they started to feel heavier by the minute, and she rolled her eyes as usual.

“Rarity likes Canterlot, though,“ Derpy said eventually.

---

Derpy was sweating, she wasn’t used to work this long in the sun. Applejack was stronger than her and she found herself simply unable to keep up. When she reached to wipe her brow, she dropped the plank in her hooves and it crashed down in front of Applejack’s feet.

At this point, even the hardened farm-filly was starting to get tired, so they decided to take a break. They sat down on the grass, leaning against a newly repaired section of the fence. Applejack grabbed a straw and began to chew on it as she talked.

“Rarity...” Applejack said, picking up the dangling conversation. “Well, she's a nice mare, but all this fashion stuff goes straight over my head. A Stetson hat and a good pair of galoshes will never be unfashionable if you want my opinion.”

“Speaking of the hat,” Derpy said. “Why do you wear it? is it ‘cus of the sun?”

Applejack laughed as she tipped the brim of her hat down.

“Well, that's what I tell ponies.” she said, while leaning back. “But any old rag will shield you from the sun... No, this hat has a story behind it. But it's kinda long, and I doubt anypony would believe me if I told it,” she said and shrugged.

“Tell me!” Derpy exclaimed.

Applejack wasn't exactly sure if she wanted to tell the story to Derpy. Honesty was important to her after all, and she really didn't want to be in a situation were everypony disbelieved her and she had nothing but an old hat to corroborate the story. But it was a nice story, she thought, and Derpy’s pleading eyes made it hard for her to resist.

“Well, I suppose I do owe you one,” she said, finally. She took the straw out of her mouth, put it on the ground and began the story.

---

“Once, when I was just a young filly, an old horse came up to our farm and asked us for a place to stay,” Applejack said. “It was a real rough night too, as I recall. Granny Smith refused to let him stay and shooed him out.” She illustrated this with a gesture.

“But I didn't like that at all! That ain’t no way to treat a stranger, especially on a rough night like that. So I snuck after him, trough the cold rain...”

Derpy held the spoon out excitedly as if she was recording, but Applejack ignored the eccentricity and continued her story, clearly enjoying the captive audience.

“When I caught up with him, he just stared at me with his sunken eyes.

“'What do you want?' he asked.” Without really thinking about it, Applejack imitated the stallion’s raspy voice.

“I asked him for his name,” she said. “And he said his name was Long Way.

“'Why didn’t Granny let you in?' I asked him. I was young and naïve at the time, keep that in mind. 'Are you a bad pony?'

'I guess you can say that,' he said to me. 'I didn't start out that way, though. The world just does that to you, if you're in it for long enough...'

'Well, I don’t think you're a bad pony,' I told him. 'Come back and I promise Granny will find you a room. She's not a bad pony either, she just don’t like strangers.' Long Way paused for a bit, looked real world-weary too.

'I don't like strangers either,' he said. 'So I suppose we could get along.' Well, I don't know how I managed, but I got Granny to take him in,” Applejack narrated.

---

“The next day, a strange pony came to our farm and asked for Long Way. This stranger claimed to be the sheriff, but if he was he wasn’t from around here, and he demanded we hand over Long Way to justice.

'He's our guest!' Granny Smith yelled to him. 'And you’re not. Look for him tomorrow if you can find him.'

'Madam, I insist!' he said. 'And I do have authority to back this up!' He took his hat off to reveal a unicorn horn that was already glowing faintly with dangerous magic.

'Oh, I've had quite enough of this!' Granny muttered. 'Lil' Mac, fetch me my boomstick!' Ol' Big Macintosh was just a colt at the time, but he knew when Granny was serious. Granny stared the stranger down from behind both barrels of the family shotgun.

'Well, I see I can't negotiate with you ma'am,' he said. 'I'll be on my way, but tell that good for nothin' drifter I'm gunna git him!'”

---

Derpy was listening intently, clearly thrilled by the action. Applejack had really gotten into the story. At this point, it had pretty much turned into a theatrical reenactment. She held the straw out like a shotgun and stared down the imaginary barrels.

“...Then the whole Apple family banded together and chased that bastard off our property!” Applejack said, slapping her hooves together. “And when Granny went back in, she gave Long Way a good long stare-down.

'You have a few things to explain to us,' she said.

'I suppose I have,' he replied. And then he told us this story...”

---

“Wait!” Derpy said, scratching her scalp. “I'm confused, now there's a story inside your story?!”

“Yup,” Applejack said. “Just like that old book ‘o fairy tales, innit?”

“Which book?”

“Y'know Equestrian Nights? Now I ain't no Sheepherazade, but I'll try to tell his story as well as I can remember it.” Applejack couched, cleaning her throat and signaling that she would continue her tale.

“So what he told us,” she said, “was that he was following an old trail-”

“No, do his voice!” Derpy demanded. “Like you did before.”

“Oh I did?” Applejack said with a giggle. “I didn't even notice, alright then.”

Applejack did her best impression of Long Way’s gravely voice and told the story from his perspective.

“I was following an old trail, and it led me to this boom-town in the middle of nowhere. It was a sorry sight of a coal-mining town where the ponies were being worked like mules. That poor sod you just threw out had appointed himself sheriff of the town. He'd arrest ponies for laws he made up on the spot, just to have an excuse to fine them. Then once they were deep in debt, the ponies had no choice but to work their cutie marks off in the coal-mine.

“He came up me and tried to hoof me a ticket for jaywalking. Probably thought I was somepony you could step all over. I just stared at him, then I took my hat off.

“At this point in the story, Long Way took off his hat to reveal that he, too, was a unicorn,” Applejack clarified, then she continued the story.

“'What are you gonna do if I don’t pay? throw me in jail?' I said to him. 'I'd like to see you try to come near me!'

The sheriff yelled for backup and a group of burly stallions appeared on each side of me.

'You seriously think you can take out my posse single-hoofedly?' he snapped back. 'I'd like to see you try!'

'Not single-hoofedly,' I said calmly. 'I think the ponies of this town have had just about enough of your bullcrap, am I right?' The last words I directed at the crowd forming around us.

The ponies around me looked nervous, but eventually one of them cheered, then another, and before I knew it, I had a good number of ponies on my side. I guess having a unicorn willing to fight for them was just the morale boost they needed. That mellowed the sheriff out somewhat.

'I suppose we can... negotiate,' he said. He was still out for my bits. 'How about-'

'A magic duel,' I said, ‘cus I wasn’t gonna negotiate with anypony. 'Right here, right now. Ten steps, one spell each. No more, no less.'”

“Wow, just like a Western movie!” Derpy exclaimed.

“Oh, those movies are more true than you'll ever know.” Applejack said smugly. “Anyway...”

“So we begun the duel. The undertaker was summoned like a vulture and was quick to measure us both for our coffins. Then we placed ourselves at opposite ends of the street.

'In about ten minutes, it’ll be high noon,' the sheriff informed me.

'What luck,' I said with narrow eyes. 'When the clock strikes twelve, we fire!'

The street fell completely silent, and it was as if you could hear the ticking of the town clock. Right before the clock struck, I fired my magic of and trapped him in a magic-resistant bubble, making his abilities useless.

'Hey, not fair!' He yelled.' I thought you had some kind of fightin' magic!'

'I don't fight, I told him. ‘I surround greed and hatred, and I force it to surrender.' The crowd cheered. 'Now I may be mistaken’, I continued. ‘But I think you were just about to null everypony’s debt in this town, am I right?'

I gave him the sort of stare that could knock a bottle down and another cheer erupted from the crowd. He had no choice but to do exactly that. Even if I let him out of the bubble, there were just too many ponies against him. If he tried any funny business, they'd start a riot. I turned around to leave town and I heard him shout from behind me.

'I'll brand you an outlaw! I'll hunt you down, just you wait!'”

---

Applejack coughed, her throat was feeling slightly dry from doing the voice for the better part of the tale.

“Well, that was his story,” she said. “Told as best as I can remember it, an’ after he told it to us he said:

'Now I can't know what that bastard is thinking, but I think my little scene in that town caused some kind of riot, and he believes that coming back with my head on a plate will be the thing to scare the ponies back in line.'”

Applejack didn't mimic his voice this time; her throat was a little sore from trying to emulate the stallion's dry accent.

“'If your story is true,' Granny Smith said, 'Then I'm almost glad Applejack convinced me to take you in. And if not, then I at least got a good tall tale out of it. That being said...' she turned towards me. 'You know you're not supposed to talk to strangers, and if you try something like this again, I'll give you a once-over with the mane-brush!'

'Your granny is right,' Long Way said to me. 'I can tell you're a gutsy young filly, which can serve you well, and I'll be darned if you haven't taught me more about kindness than I've had the chance to learn in most of my life! But guts is only worth something if you also have something underneath your hat... Oh, and you need a hat!' he added.

He took his own hat off and put it on my head and it slumped down over my eyes, like this!” Applejack said and tilted the hat further back to illustrate.

“'It's a little too big for you right now,' he said with a laugh. But you'll grow into it!

“Then he went walking off towards the sunset, and we never saw him again,” Applejack said, and with that she fell silent.

“Wow...” Derpy muttered, staring in amazement at the orange farmpony. Eventually Applejack picked the straw back up and once again leaned back onto the fence.

“So that's the story,” she said. “You got any more questions?”

“No, I don't think so right now,” Derpy said while studying the spoon.

“Good, ‘cus my throat is getting hoarse talkin' about this stuff!” she exclaimed. “How about a little somethin' to drink?”

“You mean cider?” Derpy said with a raised eyebrow. “But it's not cider season!”

“Yes,” Applejack said. “But last season we managed to brew enough cider, for a change, and even got to stash a few bottles away. I was thinking of going for somethin' a little stronger, though...”

“Like what?”

“Like Scumble” Applejack clarified. “It's a little somethin' we make during winter, if we got any cider left. We let a keg of cider sit outside in the snow. Then we remove the ice and what remains will drop you down onto the floor instantly. It’s strong stuff; if you're not careful, you will get a sudden reminder of what you ate last dinner.”

“I don’t know what that means!” Derpy yelled, having difficulty to understand the expression.

“It means that it makes ponies dizzy and sick,” Applejack explained, fighting a smirk from seeing the gray mailmare so surprised..

“Why would you drink something that makes you dizzy and sick?” Derpy wondered.

“I wish I knew, Derpy,” Applejack said, looking down to the dirt ground for a moment. “I wish I knew...”

Comments

[TheRealShadowFoot]

hehe. pretty good chapter. I like the story about the drifter. it gave this particular interview a real country-western feel.

[Pleaseworkforonce]

man derpy is chubby in that pic lol

[abandoned2123]

First off, thank you so much for not portraying Derpy as being a complete imbecile. Seriously.
Second, I love how you've implemented a cute concept and played around with it as you did. You nailed the character interactions pretty spot-on.
One thing that did confuse me though was the way that you formatted Applejack's drifter story. Traditionally, when a character is quoting someone else that dialogue is separated with a set of apostrophes. Italics, however, are used when a character is thinking.

I don't know if that's exactly correct or not, but I thought I'd point it out.

[Owlor]

448766
Yeah, using aphostrophes like you decribed is the "right" way to do it, and that's what I did in my first draft. But it just looked confusing, espescially when I got to the point where Applejack is narrating from the drifters perspective. You lost track of who was talking very fast. So I made a choice to go with a nonstandard approach. I am not sure if this is on the level of "nonstandard but acceptable" or "The english police will come crashing trough my window and rearrange my socks", tough...

[Maera Fey]

This one was a bit less funny than the previous, but still great. The ending, especially. Though, I got a little confused with the way you marked dialogues in the retrospection. Whatever, the final picture is awesome!