> The Derpy Report
>  by Owlor
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Twilight
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE DERPY REPORT


Part 1. Twilight


Twilight felt a bit silly talking to a spoon. However, the young pony in front of her was so insistent, and her cross-eyed look was so endearing, that she simply didn't have the heart to say no, even if the request was eccentric.

“Sure, Derpy, I'd love to give you an interview,” Twilight said, but her voice seemed to say otherwise, and she was eyeing the spoon in front of her with trepidation.

“You know that's a spoon, not a microphone, right?” she asked. “It doesn't record anything!”

“Puh-lease!” Derpy said, apparently untouched by trifling matters such as logic. “I promise it won't take long!”

Twilight looked around the town-square. Naturally, Derpy had approached her in the most crowded and exposed part of Ponyville. The conversation was already attracting attention and Twilight found herself trailed by dozen of curious eyes. She responded to the glances with an awkward smile and turned towards Derpy again.

“Okay, if you want to,” she said in a low voice. “But could we not do it... right here?”

“Sure, but where?” Derpy asked and Twilight looked for the most polite way to lead the faux reporter to a place that did not have as much of an audience.

“How about the library?” she suggested. “I can ask Spike to make some tea for us.”

“Will there be muffins?” Derpy asked with hope in her eyes.

“Yes,” Twilight said, still trying to avoid the curious glances. “There will be muffins.”

“Yay! Muffins!”

Breathing a sigh of relief, Twilight began to trot towards Ponyville's public library with Derpy happily following her close behind, barely able to contain her glee.





Twilight only needed to mention tea and Spike was halfway to the kitchen to put the kettle on. While he was busy with the tea, Twilight prepared a small round table. She draped an astronomically accurate tablecloth around it and the two ponies sat down to wait for tea.

Derpy admired the tall bookshelves that surrounded her and as she spaced out, Spike emerged from the kitchen to set the table, placing one small decorated cup in front of each pony. A silent conversation took place between Twilight and Spike, all beneath Derpy's notice.

‘Are those the cups you are planning to use?’ Twilight said by pointing at the two delicate porcelain cups that just seemed to invite disaster.

‘Yeah, what's wrong with them?’ Spike asked with a shrug.

‘While I don't want to speak ill about our investigative journalist friend, she does have a tendency to be slightly klutzy, and that is my favorite set. So if you could bring her something more sturdy without offending her, I'd be much obliged’, she said to Spike with a complex series of gestures that he found hard to interpret.

‘I'm sorry?’ Spike said with an eyebrow.

Twilight abbreviated her spiel into two short gestures and Spike nodded knowingly. She stared awkwardly at Derpy, who was still lost in her own world. Twilight could hear the dragon rummaging around in the kitchen,

Spike returned with a lidded plastic cup that even Pound and Pumpkin Cake would have found a bit childish. Upon looking at the plastic cups, Twilight couldn't help but bring a hoof to her face.  Luckily, Derpy seemed to have missed the nonverbal conversation going on around her.

“What nice books!” she said, oblivious to Twilight's disappointment. “They are so pretty and colorful!”

“Yeah, I like them too,” Twilight said then looked down at the baby-blue mug Spike had placed on the table. “Uhm, I'm sorry for the cup.”

“What cup?" Derpy asked, looking around in confusion. ”Ooh this one? It is perfect! I can drink without spilling a drop!” she said, smiling warmly at her host.

Twilight tried not to notice Spike's smug smile from behind Derpy's back.





“Now, what was it that you wanted to ask me?” Twilight said as Spike poured the tea.

“Why don't we start with before you came to Ponyville?” Derpy asked, raising the spoon up to her mouth like a microphone. Twilight gave the spoon another confused look. Her mind tried to make sense of the situation, but it was still completely illogical.

“Well...” Twilight began. “I studied a lot, spent a lot of time at the library-”

“Didn't you have any friends?” Derpy asked before she could finish.

“Oh yes, I knew a few ponies. “We didn't hang out much though...” Twilight paused, but Derpy didn't seem to pick up on the awkward silence.

“Didn't it ever get lonely?” Derpy asked. her eyelids sank down into something resembling a concerned look but Twilight just sighed.

“No, it didn't,” she said, then paused for thought. “Well, thinking back, I guess I was lonely, only I didn't know it at the time. You can't really miss something you've never experienced, after all.” Twilight looked forlornly at the gray Pegasus before her, trying to smile.





They both had talked for a while. For Twilight, Derpy seemed to be picking topics at random sometimes, but she noticed that a good deal of them were focused on her own past while still studying in Canterlot. She met the questions with reluctance and instead tried to steer the conversation towards the reason for this strange interview.

Derpy was about to reply, but was interrupted by a delightful squeak from the wheels of a cart as Spike arrived with the tea and cake. He placed a large frosted muffin in front of Derpy, prompting her to stare at it with a seemingly ferocious hunger. Still, she politely waited until Spike had placed Twilight’s daffodil cheesecake on the table.

Noticing that Derpy was eying her muffin pleadingly, Twilight gave Derpy a quick nod before letting her spoon levitate up and scoop up a small piece of the cheesecake. With her eyes closed, she savored it for a while, allowing the her taste-buds to acknowledge each flavor independently before swallowing it.

When she opened her eyes, she noticed, with some slight concern, that Derpy had completely devoured her muffin. For all Twilight knew, she had simply swallowed it whole.

“Uhm... do you want some more tea to wash it down?” Twilight asked, with her eyes slightly wider in amazement. Derpy, however, merely licked her lips contentedly.

“No thanks, I'm good!”




Derpy looked around the library, trying to figure out why Twilight chose such an odd place for a coffee break. She couldn't help but notice that it was the middle of the day, but apart from her, Twilight, and Spike, there were nopony there. It certainly seemed more like a home than a public institution.

“Uhm, does anypony actually come here?“ she asked bluntly to Twilight. She looked like she was about take offense to this, but decided not to react.

“You'd be surprised,” Twilight said with a defensive smile. “The nice thing abut being a librarian is that you get to aid ponies in their own quest for knowledge.”

“And entertainment?” Derpy asked.

“And entertainment,” Twilight agreed with a nod.

“So, do you like to read?” Derpy asked, prompting the other mare to stare blankly into her lazy eyes.

“What kind of question is that?” she said, gesturing towards the many a quaint and curious volumes of forgotten lore.

“I mean for fun,” Derpy said. “Not study, stories!” At least this question was an easy one to answer; Twilight only needed to think for a moment.

“Well, I like the ‘Daring Do’-books, and the ‘Larry Globetrotter’ series,” she said, poking her chin with a forehoof. “I keep trying to get Spike to read those, but he keeps refusing.  And...” her voice suddenly got a bit lower, “...the ‘Pepperjack & Glitterfang’ saga.”

“Never heard of that one... is it good?” Derpy asked. This was again an unexpectedly hard question for Twilight to answer, and she struggled for words.

“Uhm... it's not... 'good',” she admitted, letting her ears fold to the sides of her head, seemingly in shame. “It's about this mare called Pepperjack who meets this stallion, Glitterfang. He's handsome and mysterious, but he has a dark curse...” Twilight let her hoof rotate, her eyes focused on the ceiling as she tried to find the best way to express her opinion on the series.

“The prose is bad, it's full of grammatical mistakes,” Twilight said. “The author seems to believe that 'was', 'were', 'where' and 'wear' are the same word and by the looks of it, she places her commas with a shotgun.” She took a sip of her tea and continued with the impromptu review. “The story isn't much better to be honest. The plot is cliché and the main character is one-dimensional. Come to think of it, it’s a pretty trashy series...”

“But if it's not good, why do you read it?”  Derpy asked in earnest.

“Because, uhm....” Twilight's speech center appeared to have stopped working momentarily. The mare paused fore a few seconds before gathering herself.

“You wanna see some of the cool books I have in my collection?” she asked, smiling awkwardly to the mare before her, hoping that she wouldn't notice the sudden change in the subject..

“Sure!” Derpy said, letting herself be led down a more comfortable conversation path.

She didn't seem to notice, but Twilight breathed a quick sigh of relief.






“I am a big fan of Starswirl the Bearded,” Twilight said with newfound ease. “He wrote some really good books on astronomy, and I have most of them. I especially like the Prisma editions, made by one of his students as a tribute to him. Each are unique and decorated with gemstones and bells.”

“Oooh, sounds nice,” Derpy said, sounding genuinely interested. She was actually rather fond of astronomy. Fitting for a filly with her head in the clouds.

“And guess what? I actually have one of them!” Twilight said with stars in her eyes. “Celestia gave it to me as a birthday present. It's the coolest thing ever!” She was barely able to contain her enthusiasm.

Using her magic, she took down the book from its shelf. It had little copper bells that dangled from the side and made pleasing “ping” noises. When the covers turned towards Derpy she could see a pattern of amethysts and emerald that shone brightly in the midday sun that passed trough the library window.

"Oooh, pretty!" Derpy said before raising a quizzical eyebrow, "but why the bells?"

“Starswirl was fond of bells,” Twilight said and shrugged. “Why; nopony knows. But I read a biography a few years ago that claimed he took care of his blind little sister and that he had sewn the bells to his clothes so that she would always know where he was.”

“Aww...”

“But no other book supports this,” Twilight informed. “And the author of this biography, though contemporary with Starswirl, never wrote any other book, at least not under the same name. Nopony knows their real identity. So it's generally not accepted among historians.”





Twilight showed Derpy a few other books. They were antique, colorful, eccentric or just plain rare, but all of them were among her prized possessions. Derpy listened intently and it was hard to tell whether or not her interest was genuine or faked.

“What's the strangest book you have in your library?” Derpy asked her after she put an aged felt-bound atlas of forgotten maps away.

“Oh, it's got to be one of Vanilla Wands specialty books,” Twilight said, looking around for one to show. “He was quite a character, a good scholar, exobiologist mainly, but he also wrote a lot on magic. However, he had a very... specific point of view, both scientifically and politically. He was a... ‘flying bolt’ I think is the word.”

Derpy's eyes rolled around in their socket as she stared blankly towards Twilight. She didn't know what a “flying bolt” was and wasn't sure she'd understand even if somepony explained it to her. Twilight was silent for a moment, still looking for one of the books.

“ Anyway,” Twilight said after locating a particularly good example . “In his later years, he acquired an interest in the self-referential, hence this!”

She pulled something out of a shelf that looked almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a book. The pages were made out of slightly browned cigarette-smoke and the cover was made out of a thick cotton-candy kind of cloud that frayed outwards in counterclockwise swirls.

“This is ’The Cloud book of Clouds’,” Twilight informed Derpy. “One of the best works on meteorological engineering not written by a pegasus. Also, it's very annoying to read.“

With her magical influence, she once again compressed the miniature cloud into something that almost didn't completely fail to resemble a book and put it back into the bookshelf.

“Vanilla also collaborated with a scholar called Drumgray Fudge on’The Invisible Book of Invisibility’,” Twilight said after she was done putting it back. “I've heard it's a great book that changed the study of magic as we know it, and I know I have it somewhere. But I can't find it, because it‘s invisible!” Twilight put her elbow on the table and let her chin rest on the hoof.

“Frankly, Vanilla always struck me as a bit of a Troll...” Twilight said halfway to herself. “Anyway, was there anything else you wanted to ask?”

“No, it’s fine!” Derpy said with a smile. She got up onto her forehooves and started flapping her wings, aiming for the door. However, she miscalculated the distance, prompting her to crash into the front door, nearly tearing it off its hinges. Thankfully, the door was unlocked and Derpy was soon happily soaring high in the sky.

Twilight scratched her scalp as a new-found calm settled in the room. Spike appeared from behind the shelves and tried to make it look like he just wandered in and hadn't listened in on the whole conversation.

“Do you really think she's actually making some kind of radio show?” Spike asked Twilight, breaking the silence.

“I think she does...” Twilight said, eyes still fixed on the door that was almost ripped apart, “...in her own mind, at least.”



> Applejack
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE DERPY REPORT


Part 2. Applejack


“An interview?” Applejack asked, cleaning the sweat from her eyebrow with a forehoof. “Derpy, what in tarnation are you up to?”

“Please?” Derpy said with pleading eyes. “It's just a short one, it won't be long!”

Just like Twilight before her, Applejack realized that logic simply did not apply to this situation, and decided to just go along with it.

“Well, I do need some help repairin' the fance back a' the farm,” she said, gesturing towards Sweet Apple Acres with a tilt of her head.. “Help me out an’ we'll talk in the meantime.”

“Deal!” Derpy said, happy that she would be getting her interview and followed Applejack to the farm.





The fence in question had been reduced to a sorry stack of splinter and rusted nails by a recent storm. Only the wooden poles remained; Big Macintosh had secured them so deep into the ground and they would withstand anything less severe than the apocalypse. Derpy gulped as she realized the extent of the project. It was clear that by 'repair' Applejack had meant 'rebuild'.

“Gosh, there's just so much that needs to be done!” Derpy said.

“An’ it ain’t gonna fix itself by us starin' at it,” Applejack replied and they went to work.

Derpy’s job was to hold the planks up as Applejack placed nails with her mouth and kicked them in. It went slow at first, but once the two ponies had a decent rhythm going, they began to reconstruct the fence with mechanical speed.





“Phew! Working on a farm is hard!” Derpy exclaimed.

“Oh yeah,” Applejack said, kicking in another nail into the wood. “But it's good honest work, not like those hoity toity ponies in Canterlot.” Derpy noticed that her next kick was slightly firmer than the rest of them had been.

“They do nothin’ useful!” Applejack continued ranting. “Yet they go around, snout in the air, thinkin' they are better than everypony else just ‘cus they were born rich!”

Derpy didn't say anything for a while. She simply held the planks up dutifully, even though they started to feel heavier by the minute, and she rolled her eyes as usual.

“Rarity likes Canterlot, though,“ Derpy said eventually.





Derpy was sweating, she wasn’t used to work this long in the sun. Applejack was stronger than her and she found herself simply unable to keep up. When she reached to wipe her brow, she dropped the plank in her hooves and it crashed down in front of Applejack’s feet.

At this point, even the hardened farm-filly was starting to get tired, so they decided to take a break. They sat down on the grass, leaning against a newly repaired section of the fence. Applejack grabbed a straw and began to chew on it as she talked.

“Rarity...” Applejack said, picking up the dangling conversation. “Well, she's a nice mare, but all this fashion stuff goes straight over my head. A Stetson hat and a good pair of galoshes will never be unfashionable if you want my opinion.”

“Speaking of the hat,” Derpy said. “Why do you wear it? is it ‘cus of the sun?”

Applejack laughed as she tipped the brim of her hat down.

“Well, that's what I tell ponies.” she said, while leaning back. “But any old rag will shield you from the sun... No, this hat has a story behind it. But it's kinda long, and I doubt anypony would believe me if I told it,” she said and shrugged.

“Tell me!” Derpy exclaimed.

Applejack wasn't exactly sure if she wanted to tell the story to Derpy. Honesty was important to her after all, and she really didn't want to be in a situation were everypony disbelieved her and she had nothing but an old hat to corroborate the story. But it was a nice story, she thought, and Derpy’s pleading eyes made it hard for her to resist.

“Well, I suppose I do owe you one,” she said, finally. She took the straw out of her mouth, put it on the ground and began the story.





“Once, when I was just a young filly, an old horse came up to our farm and asked us for a place to stay,” Applejack said. “It was a real rough night too, as I recall. Granny Smith refused to let him stay and shooed him out.” She illustrated this with a gesture.

“But I didn't like that at all! That ain’t no way to treat a stranger, especially on a rough night like that. So I snuck after him, trough the cold rain...”

Derpy held the spoon out excitedly as if she was recording, but Applejack ignored the eccentricity and continued her story, clearly enjoying the captive audience.

“When I caught up with him, he just stared at me with his sunken eyes.

“'What do you want?' he asked.” Without really thinking about it, Applejack imitated the stallion’s raspy voice.

“I asked him for his name,” she said. “And he said his name was Long Way.

“'Why didn’t Granny let you in?' I asked him. I was young and naïve at the time, keep that in mind. 'Are you a bad pony?'

'I guess you can say that,' he said to me. 'I didn't start out that way, though. The world just does that to you, if you're in it for long enough...'

'Well, I don’t think you're a bad pony,' I told him. 'Come back and I promise Granny will find you a room. She's not a bad pony either, she just don’t like strangers.' Long Way paused for a bit, looked real world-weary too.

'I don't like strangers either,' he said. 'So I suppose we could get along.' Well, I don't know how I managed, but I got Granny to take him in,” Applejack narrated.





“The next day, a strange pony came to our farm and asked for Long Way. This stranger claimed to be the sheriff, but if he was he wasn’t from around here, and he demanded we hand over Long Way to justice.

'He's our guest!' Granny Smith yelled to him. 'And you’re not. Look for him tomorrow if you can find him.'

'Madam, I insist!' he said. 'And I do have authority to back this up!' He took his hat off to reveal a unicorn horn that was already glowing faintly with dangerous magic.

'Oh, I've had quite enough of this!' Granny muttered. 'Lil' Mac, fetch me my boomstick!' Ol' Big Macintosh was just a colt at the time, but he knew when Granny was serious. Granny stared the stranger down from behind both barrels of the family shotgun.

'Well, I see I can't negotiate with you ma'am,' he said. 'I'll be on my way, but tell that good for nothin' drifter I'm gunna git him!'”





Derpy was listening intently, clearly thrilled by the action. Applejack had really gotten into the story. At this point, it had pretty much turned into a theatrical reenactment. She held the straw out like a shotgun and stared down the imaginary barrels.

“...Then the whole Apple family banded together and chased that bastard off our property!” Applejack said, slapping her hooves together. “And when Granny went back in, she gave Long Way a good long stare-down.

'You have a few things to explain to us,' she said.

'I suppose I have,' he replied. And then he told us this story...”





“Wait!” Derpy said, scratching her scalp. “I'm confused, now there's a story inside your story?!”

“Yup,” Applejack said. “Just like that old book ‘o fairy tales, innit?”

“Which book?”

“Y'know Equestrian Nights? Now I ain't no Sheepherazade, but I'll try to tell his story as well as I can remember it.” Applejack couched, cleaning her throat and signaling that she would continue her tale.

“So what he told us,” she said, “was that he was following an old trail-”

“No, do his voice!” Derpy demanded. “Like you did before.”

“Oh I did?” Applejack said with a giggle. “I didn't even notice, alright then.”

Applejack did her best impression of Long Way’s gravely voice and told the story from his perspective.

“I was following an old trail, and it led me to this boom-town in the middle of nowhere. It was a sorry sight of a coal-mining town where the ponies were being worked like mules. That poor sod you just threw out had appointed himself sheriff of the town. He'd arrest ponies for laws he made up on the spot, just to have an excuse to fine them. Then once they were deep in debt, the ponies had no choice but to work their cutie marks off in the coal-mine.

“He came up me and tried to hoof me a ticket for jaywalking. Probably thought I was somepony you could step all over. I just stared at him, then I took my hat off.

“At this point in the story, Long Way took off his hat to reveal that he, too, was a unicorn,” Applejack clarified, then she continued the story.

“'What are you gonna do if I don’t pay? throw me in jail?' I said to him. 'I'd like to see you try to come near me!'

The sheriff yelled for backup and a group of burly stallions appeared on each side of me.

'You seriously think you can take out my posse single-hoofedly?' he snapped back. 'I'd like to see you try!'

'Not single-hoofedly,' I said calmly. 'I think the ponies of this town have had just about enough of your bullcrap, am I right?' The last words I directed at the crowd forming around us.

The ponies around me looked nervous, but eventually one of them cheered, then another, and before I knew it, I had a good number of ponies on my side. I guess having a unicorn willing to fight for them was just the morale boost they needed. That mellowed the sheriff out somewhat.

'I suppose we can... negotiate,' he said. He was still out for my bits. 'How about-'

'A magic duel,' I said, ‘cus I wasn’t gonna negotiate with anypony. 'Right here, right now. Ten steps, one spell each. No more, no less.'”

“Wow, just like a Western movie!” Derpy exclaimed.

“Oh, those movies are more true than you'll ever know.” Applejack said smugly. “Anyway...”

“So we begun the duel. The undertaker was summoned like a vulture and was quick to measure us both for our coffins. Then we placed ourselves at opposite ends of the street.

'In about ten minutes, it’ll be high noon,' the sheriff informed me.

'What luck,' I said with narrow eyes. 'When the clock strikes twelve, we fire!'

The street fell completely silent, and it was as if you could hear the ticking of the town clock. Right before the clock struck, I fired my magic of and trapped him in a magic-resistant bubble, making his abilities useless.

'Hey, not fair!' He yelled.' I thought you had some kind of fightin' magic!'

'I don't fight, I told him. ‘I surround greed and hatred, and I force it to surrender.' The crowd cheered. 'Now I may be mistaken’, I continued. ‘But I think you were just about to null everypony’s debt in this town, am I right?'

I gave him the sort of stare that could knock a bottle down and another cheer erupted from the crowd. He had no choice but to do exactly that. Even if I let him out of the bubble, there were just too many ponies against him. If he tried any funny business, they'd start a riot. I turned around to leave town and I heard him shout from behind me.

'I'll brand you an outlaw! I'll hunt you down, just you wait!'”





Applejack coughed, her throat was feeling slightly dry from doing the voice for the better part of the tale.

“Well, that was his story,” she said. “Told as best as I can remember it, an’ after he told it to us he said:

'Now I can't know what that bastard is thinking, but I think my little scene in that town caused some kind of riot, and he believes that coming back with my head on a plate will be the thing to scare the ponies back in line.'”

Applejack didn't mimic his voice this time; her throat was a little sore from trying to emulate the stallion's dry accent.

“'If your story is true,' Granny Smith said, 'Then I'm almost glad Applejack convinced me to take you in. And if not, then I at least got a good tall tale out of it. That being said...' she turned towards me. 'You know you're not supposed to talk to strangers, and if you try something like this again, I'll give you a once-over with the mane-brush!'

'Your granny is right,' Long Way said to me. 'I can tell you're a gutsy young filly, which can serve you well, and I'll be darned if you haven't taught me more about kindness than I've had the chance to learn in most of my life! But guts is only worth something if you also have something underneath your hat... Oh, and you need a hat!' he added.

He took his own hat off and put it on my head and it slumped down over my eyes, like this!” Applejack said and tilted the hat further back to illustrate.

“'It's a little too big for you right now,' he said with a laugh. But you'll grow into it!

“Then he went walking off towards the sunset, and we never saw him again,” Applejack said, and with that she fell silent.

“Wow...” Derpy muttered, staring in amazement at the orange farmpony. Eventually Applejack picked the straw back up and once again  leaned back onto the fence.

“So that's the story,” she said. “You got any more questions?”

“No, I don't think so right now,” Derpy said while studying the spoon.

“Good, ‘cus my throat is getting hoarse talkin' about this stuff!” she exclaimed. “How about a little somethin' to drink?”

“You mean cider?” Derpy said with a raised eyebrow. “But it's not cider season!”

“Yes,” Applejack said. “But last season we managed to brew enough cider, for a change, and even got to stash a few bottles away. I was thinking of going for somethin' a little stronger, though...”

“Like what?”

“Like Scumble” Applejack clarified. “It's a little somethin' we make during winter, if we got any cider left. We let a keg of cider sit outside in the snow. Then we remove the ice and what remains will drop you down onto the floor instantly. It’s strong stuff; if you're not careful, you will get a sudden reminder of what you ate last dinner.”

“I don’t know what that means!” Derpy yelled, having difficulty to understand the expression.

“It means that it makes ponies dizzy and sick,” Applejack explained, fighting a smirk from seeing the gray mailmare so surprised..

“Why would you drink something that makes you dizzy and sick?” Derpy wondered.

“I wish I knew, Derpy,” Applejack said, looking down to the dirt ground for a moment. “I wish I knew...”



> Pinkie Pie 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE DERPY REPORT


Part 3. Pinkie Pie


When Pinkie Pie woke up, the first thought that buzzed trough her mind was ‘How long was I out?’

Actually, her first thought was ‘Occasions, persuasions clutter your mind. Incense and peppermints, the color of time,’ but that was the first coherent question that came to her mind. However, this thought was soon replaced with ‘Why am I hugging Derpy?’. She searched for the most eloquent way to express her confusion.

“Uuuuugh,” Pinkie offered, unsure on how to start calming her doubts. “Ugh?”

“I'm sorry, I don't speak that language.” Something inside Pinkie Pie’s head was hurting prompting her to place a hoof against her her forehead, massaging her temples for a moment.. She held it there until she stopped feeling like the world around her was spinning, then she tried again.

“Why am I lying in bed? Also, why am I lying in bed together with you?”

“I don't know,” Derpy said. “Mrs. Cake said she found you on the floor of the bakery and that she carried you up here. She told me that if I wanted to talk to you I should wait until you woke up, so I did. But there was no place to sit, so I sat down on the bed.

“Then you turned over muttering something about a 'strawberry alarm clock' and started to hug me. I didn't wanna wake you ‘cus you looked so sleepy, so I just waited for you to wake up. By the way, your ceiling has 108 tiles.“

“Oooh, you counted them?” Pinkie Pie said, voice brimming with weary delight. “I like the fourth one in the third row best myself, ‘cus it has a little crack in it that looks like a flower.” She smiled as Derpy tried to locate it.

“That is a pretty ceiling tile,” she said after she found it. “I like how some things look like other things, like how you can sometimes see shapes in the clouds.”

“I like that too,” Pinkie replied, still nursing her headache. “But what did you want to talk to me about?”

“I was gonna ask you questions,” Derpy said. “But somehow we got it backwards... Oh! Hang on!”

Derpy dove down to the floor to retrieve her spoon. Like before, she held it out in front of her like a microphone and Pinkie Pie looked at it with a cryptic smile of recognition.

“Oh, you're doing a spoon interview!” she said. “It all makes sense now!”

“Yep!” Derpy replied, glad that somepony seemed to understand.

“What a nice idea!” Pinkie Pie said. “That could be a show, you should call it 'Spooning with Derpy!' Wait, that doesn’t sound right... Anyway, what’s your first question?”

“Same as yours actually,” Derpy replied. “I was wondering why you were asleep in the middle of the day. If you don't know, maybe we can figure it out together!”





Derpy looked around the room for clues. The place was a mess, a heap of trash was towering in front of the bed and a hundred strange objects was strewn across the room. Unfortunately, very little of this was informative.

For example, she had no idea where Pinkie Pie had gotten hold of a lizard tail and wading boots, or why she had put them on what appeared to be a mannequin from Rarity’s boutique. But, she was pretty sure that they weren’t the cause of Pinkies blackout, merely the result of it.

When she peeked under the bed, however, she found something that could be a clue. It was an empty bag surrounded by a large number of candy wrappers. She reported her findings to Pinkie.





“...and I'm sure I didn't do this!” Derpy cried. “I was busy helping Applejack.”

“Yes, I remember now!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Rainbow Dash just came home from Cloudsdale with a bag of candy and gave me strict instructions to only eat one at a time.

“'This is a really sweet candy, it goes straight to your head', she said to me. So naturally I emptied the bag. Then most of my memories after that consist of me dancing around a maypole with monkeys, and one of the monkeys has a sundae on top of his head, whats up with that? And after that I woke up here.”

“You don't remember anything else? When did Rainbow Dash come home?” Derpy asked.

Pinkie Pie tried to think, but it only made the headache return.

“What day is it?” she asked.

“Friday.” Derpy replied and Pinkie’s eyes widened to the size of dish-plates.

“Oh deariest, she came home Wednesday!” she said and with that she jumped out of the bed as the blanket trailed behind her like a cape.

“We have to get to the bottom of this!” Pinkie Pie shouted in a mock-heroic voice. “Come on Dr. Parker, the game is ahoof!”

“No fair, I wanted to be Solaris Pons!” Derpy protested.

Pinkie jumped into the pile of junk and from it she retrieved a deerstalker cap, a pipe and a fake mustache, the latter she promptly discarded.

“But I’m the one with experience, have I told you about the case of the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness? I'll have you know I successfully de-clued the clues once Twilight pointed them out to me! Also, I’ve already figured out who done-diddly-did it!” Pinkie said, gesturing with the pipe.

“Oooh, already?” Derpy sounded genuinely impressed.

“Yes!” Pinkie Pie said. She huffed on the pipe and a sequence of pretty bubbles emerged from it. One of Derpy’s eyes trailed them until they burst.

“The criminal is me, ‘cus I am the one who dood it, remember? Because I don't. I just need to find out what I did and the case is closed.”

Derpy silently considered this for a moment. Pinkie's assumption did seem like a sound reasoning to her... besides, she was the one who was asking the questions, after all — not to mention, using the detective hat.

”I suppose I am Dr. Parker.” she thought to herself and picked up a bowler hat from the heap.





The two ponies was about to go outside, but as they opened the door, Pinkie Pie flinched. She hadn’t quite been prepared for the bright midday sun. The rays stung her eyes and she held a hoof up to shield herself from the light.

“Are you okay?” Derpy asked when she saw Pinkie Pie staggering out.

“I’m fine,” Pinkie replied. Once her eyes adjusted, she looked around for suspicious ponies.

Something clicked in her brain and she suddenly decided that Granny Smith was the most suspicious pony in town, maybe because she was the only pony around. Pinkie Pie approached her and Granny Smith's eyes glazed over with confusion as she met Pinkie's cold stare.

“Can I help you with somethin', dearie?” she asked.

“Where were you on Sunday the 25th of april?” Pinkie Pie asked her with her face just a few inches from Granny Smith’s snout. Startled by this random question, Granny dropped her purse.

“I... don't remember?” she said. “Which year?”

“So you confess?!” Pinkie Pie shouted. “We already have evidence on you. We could have you sent off to Celestia's dungeons unless you cooperate!”

“We have evidence?” Derpy asked, because this was news to her.

“I'm just making the perp sweat,” Pinkie Pie whispered to her. “It's a technique we detectives use.”

“Oh.” If the goal was to make the old mare sweat, it certainly succeeded.

“I confess, I confess!” Granny Smith cried. “I was the mastermare behind the moonshinin' ring back in april '68, but ya'll never catch me alive, never!” She picked the purse up and started swinging it wildly.

“Ouch, wait!” Pinkie Pie yelped. “I wasn't talking about that! We're investigating what I done the 25th of April this year not what you did back in... whenever that was. Ouch! Please stop hitting me!”

Granny Smith stopped and looked pretty guilty. “You ain't gonna tell nopony about what I just said, right?” She gave them both a narrow gaze.

“No, we ain't gonna tell nopony,” Pinkie Pie reassured her. “Wait, then we would tell somepony... I mean yes we are gonna tell nopony. No wait. I mean no, we are not gonna tell somepony, how many negatives did your sentence have again?”

Pinkie Pie descended into confusion and Derpy took over the conversation. “Did you see Pinkie Pie around here yesterday, like, acting strange?”

“Well, why didn't you say so,” Granny Smith said and turned towards Pinkie Pie. “Yes, you were walking down the street with this smile on your face and tossing flowers all around.” She took a half wilted daffodil out of her hair. “I thought it looked pretty, so I kept it.”

Pinkie Pie took the flower from her and the two ponies examined it. Granny walked away from the scene, relieved that the focus had drifted away from her.

“Daffodill? That's a plant!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “And I know somepony who just knows everything there is to know about plants!”





When both ponies reached Zecora's hut, Derpy couldn't help but notice that the tall and wide trees of the Everfree Forest engulfed the her home, casting a seemingly never ending shadow over it. Her hut was, as always, littered with charms and masks, each of which had a different meaning known to nopony but her. As they got closer to the house, Derpy’s hoofsteps grew more reluctant and nervous.

When she reached the door, she simply stopped completely in her tracks. She put her hoof up, but hesitated. Pinkie Pie gave Derpy an odd look as she went up to the door and knocked on it.

“I’ll be at the door right away,” Zecora said from the inside. “Please be patient if you’ve come a long way.” Pinkie Pie smiled at Derpy, who gave her a worried expression in return.

“Well, if it isn't my friends from Ponyville,” Zecora said as she opened the door “Come in! Is there something ailing you still?” She let Pinkie in and then noticed Derpy, who only dared to peek shyly from behind the door.

“It seems that the impression that I made is still making some ponies very afraid.,” she said to Pinkie Pie and then turned to Derpy and smiled softly.

“Come in little one, don't hide like mice,” she said, smiling reassuringly to Derpy. “As Pinkie Pie can tell you, I am very nice.”

Derpy gathered courage and stepped into the hut. As she stumbled in, Zecora discreetly removed the pumpkin head she was about to step on and stopped the momentum of a hanging charm that the Pegasus accidentally pushed with one of her wings. When she turned around in confusion, her tail wagged dangerously over the zebra’s collection of rare pots.

“My dear, could you please sit down?” Zecora said desperately. “I need to protect everything I own!” To her relief, Derpy obeyed and the three ponies began to go through the common routine of pleasantries and greetings.





“So, how's sorceressing going?” Pinkie Pie asked prompting Zecora to breathe a weary sigh.

How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a sorcerer,” she said. “The magic lies in the potions that I stir. But these days I have been busier than ever before. My supply used to be enough, but now I have to get more. Ponies are less scared and come to me when they're sick, and I heal them with herbs, not a magic trick!” she clarified to Pinkie Pie.“

“But the doctor did not like this one bit, he came to me to talk about it. My face was a portrait of defiance when he told me natural remedies haven't been proven by science. My herbs prove themselves every day, and there is nothing more to say.” Zecora explained to the two ponies.

“But we reached an agreement. I have nothing to fear, so please tell me why you are here.”

The two ponies told Zecora about their investigation and she struggled to follow the weird twists and turns of their logic.

“What you told me sounds true and without lie, but is this what you ask me to identify? Your story may be strange but it is still, just a normal sandwich of daffodil!”

“But if there's nothing special about this plant why would I be giving these out to ponies?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Well, some colts and fillies believe they'll find a lover by picking the petals of this common flower,” Zecora said.

“Every petal says ‘he loves you’ or ‘he loves you not’ and with this your true lover you can spot. But this kind of divination deserves no glory. No, for this tale is just a fairy story!”

Zecora disliked most amateur attempts at fortune telling; to her, they were nothing but a naïve waste of time. She knew methods that were ten times as effective and could give you the answer in rhyming couplets. Maybe not a clear answer, but the right one.

“Wait, so you mean I'm in love with someone?” Pinkie Pie asked in disbelief, scratching the top of her head.

“While it is true that love can make you stupid, my guess is that you were simply playing cupid.” Zecora replied, trying to hide a smirk.

“So this isn't a clue?” Pinkie Pie asked, clearly dissapointed. “Then we're right back where we started!”

She buried her head in her hooves in an exaggerated display of defeat. But Derpy was still determined and wasn't about to give up on the investigation.

“Did you see Pinkie yesterday?”

“That I'm afraid I did not do, I'm sorry I couldn't give you a clue, but I have noticed strange things happening in an old house nearby. Perhaps you’ll find that there is where your answers lie.”

“A strange old house, huh?” Pinkie pie said, with newfound hope. “This case just got a lot better! It prolly hasn't got anything to do with our case, but it may be worth checking out. If nothing else, we need a spooky old house to provide atmosphere for our detective-adventure!”

Zecora described the location, amused by the whole ordeal. The house was built in a meadow not too far from her hut and the two wannabe detectives went towards it eagerly.





The directions led them close to the edge of the Everfree forest. It wasn’t close enough to be dangerous, but the tall dark trees cast shadows close enough to be unnerving. In order to keep their spirits up, the two ponies started to talk.

“I'm really sorry this has been such a terrible interview!” Pinkie Pie said. “You haven't had the chance to ask me a question since we left.”

“It's okay, it's just nice to see a detective in action.”

“Well, thank you!” The flattery made Pinkie Pie perk up a bit.

“But don't you remember anything?” Derpy asked hopefully. “Like where you got the wading boots and tails?”

“Oh, I've had those for a while” Pinkie Pie said. “I use them to bathe with Gummy, just in case he gets lonely not having any other alligators around.”





They reached their destination and found themselves face to facade with an imposing wooden house. Its architecture was gothic, and the colors of the walls had long since faded from purple into a blueish gray. The garden was overgrown, but the wines around the windows had been cut down and the path to the house was thoroughly beaten in.

All the signs pointed to a place that was supposed to be abandoned but wasn’t. Tall trees cast a dark shadow over the house even though it was still daytime, and the two ponies couldn't help but shiver.

“M-maybe we should just go back,” Derpy said.

Pinkie Pie was just about ready to agree, but she took a deep breath and gathered courage.

“What kind of detective would Solaris Pons be if he didn't snoop around uninvited in strange, ominous buildings?” she asked with newfound conviction. “A bad one, that's what!” She went up to the door with resolute steps.

“Alright,” she said. “Picking this lock will require finesse, it will require skill, it-” The door suddenly opened and a familiar face peeked out.

“Cherry Jubilee!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “I remember you!”

“Well, you should,” Cherry said with a bemused look. “You caused quite a stir here yesterday, some of my fillies are quite mad at you for stealing the show.”

“So I was here yesterday? Derpy, we're in luck! Uhm... I don't remember much of the last few days,” Pinkie Pie explained to Cherry.

“But I worked at your cherry farm in Dodge Junction once, we caused a bit of a mess, remember? What happened to that by the way? Are you growing cherries in Ponyville now?” Cherry laughed at this question, but her laugh had a sad tinge to it.

“I lost the cherry farm,” she explained. “I was having trouble meeting the demand; it's hard to get good cherry-sorters around here. And one day these two unicorns came to town riding on this ghastly machine, some sort of automatic cherry-sorter and juicer. They offered to rent it out to me, but I refused. The town didn't like that at all, but I was too proud.

“Eventually, they managed to trick me into entering a contest, where the winner was whoever made the most cherry juice within a set time limit. The winner got to be the only juice vendor in town and the loser had to leave. Their machine beat me and my whole crew, so... here we are.”

Cherry fell silent and shook her head, oblivious to the obvious sympathy exuding from Derpy. Thus, she was caught completely off guard when the pegasus suddenly crashed into her and gave her a heartfelt hug.

“I'm so sorry to hear that!” the gray mare said with a quivering voice. “Will you ever go back to Dodge Junction?”

“Maybe.” Cherry said, accepting the hug. “But I've managed to make a good living for myself here, providing some good, old-fashioned entertainment for gentlecolts.”

“Oh, this is a theater?” Derpy asked.

“Yes, precisely! It's a kind of theater, Cherry Jubilee said and made a salespony-like gesture towards the entrance. “We also serve the best sass-parilla this side of Appleloosa. No cherry juice, though, so please don't ask about it. Nice hat, by the way.” She pointed with her hoof towards Pinkie Pie's deerstalker.

“Thanks!” Pinkie Pie said and adjusted the hat. “May we come in? We're looking for clues.” Cherry looked very unsure about this idea, remembering what happened last time Pinkie was in her establishment. But she stepped aside politely, since Pinkie Pie seemed to be somewhat sober this time around, at least.

“If you want to,” she said. “But like I said, some of my... actresses are a bit mad at you. Try not cause trouble,” she added meekly as the two ponies walked past her trough the door.

The interior hit them as they entered the house. It didn’t look anything like something they would associate with a theater. Instead, it was closer to a dancehall decorated in a glamorous  country-western style. The patrons were rowdier than you'd expect from a theater, making sarcastic comments and whistled cat-calls at the performers, as they raised their glasses of sass-parilla in the air.

The performance itself was similarly unexpected. It didn't have much in the way of plot. It consisted mostly of slapstick and innuendo and it featured several mares wearing outfits that would make Rarity blush. The two ponies sat down at a table somewhere near the back and observed the show with increasing bewilderment and amusement.

“Maybe we can talk to the dancers after the show.” Pinkie Pie mused. “They can't be that mad at me, can they?”

While she spoke, a silent communication was taking place between the performers on stage. There was a lot of pointing and meaningful glances towards the pink pony, and when their routine was over and the curtain fell, one of the dancers made her way across the room up to their table. The two ponies were busy talking with each other about the last sketch, so they didn't notice her at first. Not until she made herself known.

“You!” she roared. “You have a lot of nerve coming back here, you know? You crashed our routine with your attempt to start some kind of speed-dating service!”

Pinkie Pie yelped and Derpy concurred wholeheartedly. They both looked like foxes caught in the headlights.

“You sabotaged the entire night!” the dancer continued ranting. “You scared the customers and...” at this point her demeanor changed drastically.

“You introduced me to this lovely stallion called Noteworthy. We're going on our first real date next weekend. He's so sweet and shy, and I probably wouldn't have met him if it wasn't for you.”

“Oh, that's good to hear!” Pinkie Pie said with a relieved sigh. She looked like a big burden had been lifted from her shoulders.

“That being said,” she concluded and she leaned closer to whisper this in Pinkies ear. “You should probably leave,” she advised. “The other performers aren’t as grateful as I am.”


> Fluttershy
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE DERPY REPORT


Part 4. Fluttershy


“Fluttershy, are you there?” Derpy shouted trough the door, dismayed when her knocks yielded no reply.

She tried knocking one last time, but it was becoming obvious that the shy pony simply wasn't there. She sat down and decided to wait around, just in case Fluttershy was only out temporarily.  There was a rustle from the bushes, a common sound around the gentle Pegasus' house. There were always some animals nearby waiting for her or just hanging around.

Two young ponies walked by the house. They were part of the trendy set, the loose clique of young mares responsible for most of the gossip in Ponyville. Derpy had seen them around before and recognized them as Cherry Berry and Rainbowshine. She could hear them talking. One of them noticed Derpy and pointed her out for the other pony.

“Hey look, Fluttershy got a visitor,” Cherry Berry said. “I didn't know she actually had friends.”

“She does, haven't you seen the ponies she hangs out with?” Rainbowshine replied. “They're all pretty strange.”

“No, I haven't, but I'm not surprised,” Cherry Berry said. “She's pretty strange too. I mean, once, when I was just minding my own business, she started to harass me for no reason. Okay, maybe I was in the way or something, but still...”

“Fluttershy?” Rainbowshine interrupted and gave her friend a disbelieving look. “But she's always so shy!”

“I know right? Maybe she had been sampling one of Zecora's herbs or something,” Cherry Berry said with a shrug. “Or maybe it’s just that if you hang out with animals you become more like one...”

The two ponies continued along the road and Derpy was once again left alone.






Derpy looked trough the window of the house, thinking about the last words the pony had said. If that was true, it was hardly reflected in the decor, at least. Fluttershy's home was far from animalistic; it was simply, yet pleasantly furnished in a variety of earth tones.

Across the walls and ceiling, she had a rather smart system of nests and walkways for birds and small mammals. It was surprisingly clean, considering how many animals she took care of. If anything, it seemed she made animals more civilized rather than the other way around.

She stopped just shy of snooping and once again sat down in front of the door. She tried to settle on how long she was willing to wait. She didn’t want to miss Fluttershy, but at the same time, she was growing impatient.

After twenty minutes, another pony passed by the house. Derpy jolted up, but saw that this clearly wasn’t the pegasus she was hoping for. This pony had short cyan hair and a carefree demeanor. Derpy went up to her, glad to have somepony to talk to.

“Hello!”

“Hi?” the other pony said in an unsure voice. Derpy held the spoon up and she stared at it in confusion.

“Are you eating ice cream?” she asked and pointed at the spoon.

“Not yet,” Derpy replied. “I'm Derpy by the way, who are you?”

“I'm Lyra, uhm... nice to meet you.”

“I was just wondering about Fluttershy, what do you know about her?”

“Fluttershy?” Lyra pondered over the name for a bit. “She's the veterinarian, right? Good with animals, always taking in strays. To be honest, I think she cares more about animals than she does ponies.”

“Why do you think that is?” Derpy asked, genuinely puzzled. Lyra tried to gather her thoughts and form a reply.

“Well...” she said. “Animals don't judge you the way ponies do, they just want you to take care of them.” She paused for a moment, still struggling to explain herself. Derpy could hear the bushes rustling slightly in the background and a few birds chimed in with their high-pitched tweets. Finally, Lyra figured out how to phrase her ideas and she jumped out of her contemplative pose.

“It's like when I play my music, she realized. “Ponies stop judging me by how I look or what I say. The only thing that matters is if I can play a good melody.” Just picturing it made her eager to play and she couldn’t stop herself from humming a few bars quietly.

“Sounds nice!” Derpy said clearly impressed, prompting Lyra to blush a light shade of crimson.

“Was there anything else?” Lyra asked her politely.

“No, thank you! take care.”





Derpy was growing impatient waiting for Fluttershy. There just didn’t seem to be any point in waiting around. As she turned around to leave, she heard the rustling for the third time, and this time, the apparent perpetrator appeared. A small bunny hopped out of the bush and stared at her with quizzical eyes.

“Oh, hi Angel!” Derpy said. “Do you know where Fluttershy is?” Angel nodded.

“Can I talk to her?” Angel shook his head and made a strange gesture, as if he was playing charades. Derpy tried to play along.

“She's... tall?” Derpy guessed. Angel shook his head and tried again.

“Long... she has a long neck?” Another shake and repeated the gesture, this time with a little more clarity.

“Away, far away... she's far away? The rabbit nodded and continued.

“...in a city, Phillydelphia?” Angel nodded enthusiastically, then made a confounding gesture.

“Handing out flowers?” Derpy thought. Angel pressed a paw against his forehead in frustration. Suddenly, something hit her and she perked up.

“No, shopping!” she said. “Fluttershy is shopping in Phillydelphia?” The bunny nodded, glad to finally be back on track.

“Oh, will she be back today?” Derpy asked. Another nod.

“When, soon?” she asked hopefully.  Angel shook his head and Derpy looked disappointed.

“Later this evening, huh?” A nod.

“Oh, I see. I'll come back later then.”





Derpy went to the town square, trying to find something to occupy her time. She was hoping to find one of the two other ponies she had yet to interview, Rainbow Dash, specifically. Rarity was probably busy in her boutique, but Rainbow Dash usually had some time to spare for her fans.

She made her way past the stands, eagerly looking at the items for sale. Not that she planned on buying anything, but she enjoyed window-shopping. Most salesponies offered vegetables, but a few of the smaller tents offered items that were a little less practical and a little more interesting.

An old wandering mare showed her a silver bracelet with charms. Most charms were unremarkable, little silver flowers or candy with no special properties. But in a small box off to the side she stored a few charms that each had a memory of a place stored in them.

She had a feather that represented Cloudsdale, a leaf that represented the Everfree forest and a crown lined with gold that represented Canterlot, among others. When the charms were shaken, some of the scents and sounds of the place in question would leak out.

“I made these to cure homesickness in ponies,” the elderly mare explained to Derpy. “But it didn't work as intended, it just make wayward ponies sad. They still buy them though, go figure...”





Derpy couldn’t find Rainbow Dash or Rarity,  but she did see Big Macintosh struggling with a large cart filled with apples. Glad to see a familiar face, Derpy skipped towards him and held the spoon up like a microphone. Big Macintosh stared at the spoon confusedly, then made a questioning hum.

“Hi, Big Mac!” Derpy said. “Can I talk with you?”

“Eeyup,” Big Macintosh replied.

“You know Fluttershy, right?”

“Eeyup.”

“Do you think she cares more about animals than ponies?” Derpy asked earnestly and Big Mac thought about this for a bit.

“Nope.”

“Why?” Derpy asked. Answering this question apparently required more eloquence than Big Mac was comfortable with, so he just shrugged.

“Anything else you wanted to ask?” he said.

“Yes, I'm looking for Rainbow Dash. If you see her, can you tell her I want to talk to her?”

“Eeyup.”

This conversation gave Derpy an idea, if she couldn't talk to Fluttershy, she could at least talk to the ponies that knew her. ‘Apart from Twilight and the rest of her friends, who does Fluttershy know?’ Derpy asked herself. ‘Who should I talk to?’ Her thought process was rudely interrupted by the growling of her own stomach and she suddenly realized how hungry she was.





The bell over the door of Sugarcube Corner made a cheerful sound as Derpy went inside. he place was unusually un-busy today, with most of the customers outside enjoying the day and the Cakes having no big orders to complere in the nick of time or a giant but fragile cake to transport somewhere for some important party. If it was at all possible for a working family such as theirs, they were almost a bit bored. Mrs. Cake, who was cleaning an already clean counter for the umpteenth time, perked up immediately at the sight of a potential customer.

“Hello Derpy! What can I do for you today?”

“I needed to think for a bit, but I was too hungry. Do you have any muffins?”

“You're lucky today,” Mrs. Cake said with a smile. “We had a rather picky client earlier. She canceled her order because we couldn't get the frosting even on the first batch. If you don't mind strawberry muffins, you can get them for half the price!”

Derpy eagerly agreed and mrs. Cake gave her the leftover muffins in a box that matched their yummy light pink color.

“Wait, If you don't mind me asking,” Mrs Cake said as Derpy were about to leave the store. “You said you were thinking about something. Is something troubling you?”

“No, I'm fine, I wanted to talk to Fluttershy, but nopony has seen her today. Do you know anypony who knows her?”

Mrs. Cake paused and poked her chin with a forehoof, deep in thought. “You mean apart from Twilight and the other girls?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Try Mr Greenhooves. He tends to her garden sometimes. Anything else, dear?”

Derpy picked the spoon up once again and put it under the chin of Mrs. Cake as tough it was a microphone. The baker chose to ignore it and said nothing apart from a quick quizzical “uhm?”

“How would you describe Fluttershy?” she asked, trying to sound as much as a reporter as she could muster.

“Well, she doesn't like to bring too much attention to herself, and if you do pay attention to her, she really wants you to like her,” Mrs. Cake replied. “To be fair, it's hard not to.” she added with a laugh.

“Interesting!” Derpy said, shining like a lit candle. Then she noticed the time and jerked up into the air in a gravity-defying way. “Gotta go, thanks and g’bye!”

Derpy was out of the store with a crash, but still hearing the soft but still cheerful jingle of the bell. Mrs. Cake let the smile on her muzzle linger as the pegasus left her shop. It completely drooped though when her gaze fell onto the clean counter and the empty establishment.





Outside, Derpy noticed something zip by her and round the corner. One of her eyes instinctively trailed the blur while the other remained focused on the road. When she followed to see who it was, she found herself face to face with Angel, who looked thoroughly guilty.

“Oh, hello Angel, what are you doing here?” Derpy asked. The bunny didn’t say anything, but his eyes spoke volumes.

‘I was just making sure you didn't spread any of those rumors you heard about my Fluttershy’, they seemed to say.

“Maybe you're kinda lonely because Fluttershy is gone?” Derpy guessed, unable to read Angels mind.

‘No, I was FOLLOWING you, you dumb blonde! To protect Fluttershy's honor from your nosy questions.’

“You can be with me if you want to,” Derpy offered. “Here, hop on up!” She lowered her head.

‘I am the worst spy ever! And Derpy is the worst target of espionage ever!’ Angel lamented to himself, but hopped on anyway.





Derpy found Mr Greenhooves tending to his own garden, as he hummed to himself while watering his plants. The furrows had gone from simply being moist to the point where they started to overflow with water. Derpy went up to him and held the box up in front of his face.

“I have muffins,” she announced to him. “You want one?”

Mr Greenhooves turned his head around, surprised but delighted by her offering.

“Don't mind if I do!” he said and grabbed the one with the most frosting. He devoured it with a content expression.

“Thanks for the snack, I  needed that. Now, can I assist you with anything?”

“Yes, you know Fluttershy, right?” Derpy asked. Angel looked disapprovingly at Greenhooves from the top of Derpy’s head, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Yes, I water her petunias. Not as often nowadays though, she's really picky about her flowers, y'know?”

“No, I don't. I thought Fluttershy was shy.” Derpy said, noticeably confused. Greenhooves laughed.

“You'd think so ,wouldn't you?” he said, looking amused. “But she's not shy about letting you know when you've screwed up, lemme tell you! Do you have any more questions?”

“No, it’s fine, thanks!” Derpy said and started flying back towards town.





Derpy really thought that talking to Greenhooves would help her, but all it did was make her more confused. Everypony seemed to have a different idea about Fluttershy's personality, and the notions simply didn't match up. She looked for somepony that could help her sort this out.

As she made her way around town, she passed by Ponyville's library. Spike was standing outside the door when Derpy walked by and he greeted her.

“Oh, hello again, Derpy,” Spike said. “Did you forget something?”

“No I just had a question.”

“Sure! What is it?”

“Can a pony be two things at once? I mean, like, both shy and assertive?” Derpy asked. Spike thought hard about this for a while, nearly biting his tounge.

“I don't know,” he finaly said. “I mean, Rainbow Dash's a fast athlete, but also lazy. Applejack's honest about what she thinks, but hides her feelings. And Twilight...” He looked around and certified that Twilight was still on the next room and dropped his voice to a nigh inaudible tone.

“She's supposed to be all about knowledge and stuff, but she judges things so quickly,” he said, then tried to gather his thoughts for the conclusion of his musings. “It’s like, you can't be just one thing all the time, you're going to have some flaws, things that go against your better nature. Uhm... did that answer your question?”

“I think so, but what about Rarity?”

“Rarity...” Spike trailed off into his daydreams with Rarity and various sugary homes. Derpy passed a hoof in front of his eyes to see if he would react, but Spike was wistfully gazing into the horizon, prompting the pegasus to shrug and trot away.

Spike was rudely awoken from his romantic daydreams by a rustle from a nearby bush. Frowning, he went up to it in order to check what it was that was making so much noise. As he approached the bush, he noticed that somepony was staring back at him.

“What are YOU doing here?” he asked.






> Rainbow Dash
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE DERPY REPORT


Part 5. Rainbow Dash


As Rainbow Dash flew towards the town square to visit the market, she saw her shy friend's quaint cottage by the edge of the Everfree Forest. She shifted her weight and banked to the left, gliding towards the cottage with no real motivation except to maybe say hi. But when she got close, she heard a familiar, piercing voice. A voice she associated with sudden bursts of lighting and with crashing through the floor of decrepit buildings.

Rainbow Dash felt a chill running trough her spine as she looked down to the source of the voice. There was no mistaking it anymore. It was Derpy.

Rainbow Dash landed and crouched, diminishing the chances of Derpy spotting her. ‘What's she doing here?' she thought. In spite of herself, she inched closer, but made sure her view was protected by a large bush. ‘I know how this works, somehow I will end up hurt because of her’.

Rainbow Dash quickly regretted her impulse to hide in the bushes. Derpy didn't seem to be leaving anytime soon, and if she got up now, Derpy would probably notice her, putting Rainbow in a very awkward, not to mention dangerous, situation. So she had no choice but to lurk around waiting for the gray mare to disappear.





Two ponies made their way past the whole, strange scene. Luckily, they didn't notice Rainbow Dash, or else she'd have a really hard time explaining what she was doing spying on a young filly from a bush.

“Hey look, Fluttershy has a visitor,” one of them remarked, pointing at Derpy. “I didn't know she actually had friends.”

“Haven't you seen the kind of ponies she hangs out with? They're all strange.” The two ponies went on to say things about Fluttershy and her friends, something that made Rainbow Dash want to get up and kick them.

‘How dare they call us strange!’ she thought, but calmed down somewhat. She realized that what she was doing right now wasn’t exactly within the parameters of normal behavior. Finally, Derpy got tired of tired of waiting and trotted off.  Rainbow Dash shot up from the bush like rainbow-colored lighting and continued her delayed trip towards Ponyville’s marketplace.





Rainbow Dash made her way trough the row of vendors, looking for lettuce for Tank. It was a calm day and the vendors seemed grateful that at least somepony had gone outside to buy something.

She was casually looking around, but then saw something that made her freeze in her tracks. Derpy was there, looking at a collection of silver bracelets. ‘She's here now?’ Rainbow Dash thought. ‘Well, Greenhooves has lettuce as well...’

It took her longer than it should have to get to Greenhooves’s, because she kept looking over her shoulder. When she finally arrived, she found Derpy again, talking to mr Greenhooves.

‘What?! Derpy is here too? But I just saw her in town! What are the chances of that happening? Come think of it, you DO see Derpy around quite a bit. It doesn't seem to matter where I am or what I do, somehow I always end up staring into those crazy yellow eyes...’ Rainbow Dash shuddered.





Rainbow felt a dash of paranoia growing inside her and she needed somepony to help her quell this irrational thought process. She grabbed the first pony she could find, which happened to be Big Macintosh.

“I'm so glad I found you, you're a good listener.”

“Eeyup.”

“Do you believe in curses, bad ju-ju, that sort of thing?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Nope.”

“I know its silly, but as an athlete, you tend to get a bit superstitious, y'know? Like Applejack and her horse-shoe thing. I mean, if horse-shoes really were lucky, nopony would ever trip!”

“ Eeyup.” The conversation was going well so far, and Rainbow Dash dared to get to her point.

“Well, I seem to have gotten it in my head that Derpy's bad luck for me. I mean, whenever she's near, something bad always happens! I'm not crazy, am I?”

“Nope.” Big Macintosh raised an eyebrow, but otherwise remained stoic. Rainbow Dash laughed nervously.

“But you know, it’s funny. Lately I've been seeing her everywhere, she can't really be out to get me, can she?” Macintosh fell silent. He remembered his conversation with Derpy. Rainbow Dash reacted to his hesitation.

“Is she out to get me?” she asked with wide eyes.

“Eeyup.”





‘So Derpy is out to get me? That can't be true, can it? I mean, I am kinda famous, I guess she could be a fan.’

She paused. That couldn't be the case, since Derpy hadn't been following Rainbow Dash in any way. She just happened to appear wherever she went, like she knew Rainbow would be there.

‘No, I’m thinking crazy thoughts,’ Rainbow Dash thought to herself. ‘I should talk to Twilight, she's Ponyville’s biggest skeptic and she could tell me how crazy I’m being right now. She'll have facts and arguments and stuff and when she's done talking, it will all make sense’.

Rainbow Dash flew to Ponyville’s library as quickly as she could, but nearly paused in mid-air when she saw the dreaded gray pegasus on the ground. Without thinking, she dropped down into a large bush next to the building.

Derpy and Spike were talking about something, but Rainbow Dash didn't pay attention, she was too busy rolling herself into a shuddering ball of fear. Her rustling apparently alerted Spike, because he went up to the bush and parted the branches.

The expression of confusion on Spike’s face could've been called cartoonishly exaggerated if it wasn’t completely earnest.

“What are you doing here?” he asked the cowering pony.

“The Derp...” she whispered with a broken voice. “It's coming for me, THE DERP!”





This was the second time today Spike had to make tea. Twilight offered a cup to Rainbow Dash, who still had a haunted look in her eyes.

“Let me get this straight,” Twilight said. “You think Derpy is some sort of supernatural creature sent out to curse you with bad luck? That's silly! You've spent too much time reading Daring Do again, haven't you?”

“I guess so,” Rainbow Dash said feebly. “But why is she always there wherever I go?”

“It's a small town, and Derpy is a distinctive-looking pony. I heard some ponies have made a game out of trying to spot her whenever there's some sort of public event going on. And it's true that Derpy is somewhat... clumsy,” she continued, relieved that her friend seemed to be calming down.

“But, no offense, you're not exactly a ballerina yourself. Accidents happen, with or without Derpy. But our brains are designed to look for patterns, and you seem to have latched onto the presence of Derpy.”

Twilight smiled reassuringly. “You're just a victim of confirmation bias.” she concluded. Rainbow Dash looked down into the teacup with a contemplative look.

“What do you think I should do?” she asked.

“Talk to her,” Twilight suggested. “She's going around interviewing ponies anyway and would probably love a chance to chat with Ponyville's star athlete.” She nudged Rainbow Dash.

“You'll find that she's a perfectly nice, if slightly eccentric, young pony. Who knows, you two might even become friends.”

“That’s a good idea!” Rainbow Dash remarked. “I should do that. Thanks Twilight! And if I see that Mr. Confirmation Bias-guy, I'm gonna kick him in the guts!”

Twilight shook her head as Rainbow Dash flew out of the library.





She found Derpy in a melancholy field at the edge of the Everfree forest, The gray mare was watching a whisp of mist curl out from the forest and across the grass. Angel still on her head, and watched the scene with an indecipherable  look. Rainbow Dash flew up to her nervously and sat down beside her.

At first, it wasn’t even obvious that Derpy had noticed her, it wasn’t until after a long uncomfortable silence that Derpy glanced towards her and Rainbow Dash dared to speak.

“Uhm hi?” she said.

“Hi...”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” Derpy replied. She looked towards Rainbow Dash with her big, round eyes pointing in different directions.

“You guys are really good friends, right?” Derpy said. “I mean you Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Fluttershy?”

“Yes, I suppose we are,” Rainbow Dash agreed.

“But how does that work? You're all so different!”

“Well... it doesn’t,” Rainbow Dash said bluntly. “We fight all the time... You should see us!”

“I thought you were friends!” Derpy said and gave her a confused stare.

“We are. But friends don't always get along, some of my friends drive me crazy. But we've had a lot of experiences together and we know we can trust each other. That's what matters! What's this about, Derpy?”

“I don't always feel like I'm getting along well with other ponies,” Derpy explained and her eyes grew shinier. “Tell me, am I just strange?”

Rainbow Dash laughed a bit to herself and she put a comforting hoof on Derpy’s shoulder.

“No, you're alright,” she replied. Once again Derpy’s eyes were drawn towards the edge of the Evergreen Forest and Rainbow Dash joined in. They both watched the clouds nearby move around strangely, even tough nopony was manipulating them.
> Rarity
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE DERPY REPORT


Part 6. Rarity


A spool of thread was rolling out trough the diamond-shaped cat-flap of Carousel Boutique while Derpy looked at it with curious eyes. The door flung open and Rarity greeted her from within.

“Why, hello Derpy!” she said, then pointed towards the spool. “Will you be a dear and fetch that for me? I'm working on something at the moment.”

“Sure!”

She fetched it and went inside the boutique where she was met with an apocalypse of fabrics and ribbons. Unlike the clutter over at Pinkie Pie’s place, this was a less random kind of chaos. There were no fake mustaches or alligator bathing suits lying around, just a whole lot of textiles and accessories.

“Is it going well?” Derpy asked as she studied the chaotic interior.

“No, it is NOT going well!” Rarity lamented. She dove into a pile of parchments and tartan-patterned fabric. “A thousand years of fashion history, tens of thousands of styles, and I can't figure out the right one for this dress. It is a calamity, a catastrophe!” She rustled around inside the heap, looking for her sketches.

“Oh, is it important?” Derpy asked to the pile and Rarity shot up from under it. Spools and sewing-threads flew up in the air and rained down across the room. The sketches was still missing.

“Yes, it is important!” Rarity exclaimed. “I just got an invitation from Fancypants to a competitive fashion show, and I got to make a good impression. I don't want them to see me as some sort of rustic Ponyville curiosity, so I need a dress that can razzle them, dazzle them and stun them with its beauty, and I need it THIS weekend!”

“Oh my!” Derpy exclaimed and tried to figure out what ‘razzle’ was and why you wanted a dress to do it. “Can I help you with something?”

“No!” Rarity exclaimed, a little too forcefully. “I mean, I don't really need more of a mess right now, I have quite enough already.” A stray button dropped down from the ceiling as she spoke.

Tears were welling up in Derpy’s eyes at the harsh rejection.

“I'm sorry...” she whimpered. “I just wanted to help!”

Rarity heard the remorse in Derpy's voice and calmed down a bit.

“That's alright, darling,” she said, holding up two fabric samples against each other. “This may look like chaos, but it is actually very organized.“ She looked at the fabrics she held up with her magic, then levitated them closer to Derpy.

“Hmmm, maybe you could help me after all. It could be useful to see how the fabric looks on an actual, living pony rather than a mannequin!”

“Hooray, I'll be a living mannequin!” Derpy announced with a smile.

“Yes... something like that,” Rarity agreed, though she looked at Derpy curiously.





Eventually, Rarity found her initial sketches. She put them up on her work board and started working on the actual dress. She draped a stiff, plaid fabric over Derpy and looked at the results with a critical eye.

“It doesn't quite have the right fall,” she remarked. “I should try something else.” She did the same thing with a softer fabric and soon she was putting together something that at least resembled the outlines of a dress.

She had a pincushion with rather large, but elegant, needles and pins that she used to piece the fabric together. Every time she picked up another pin, Derpy shifted slightly.

“It is alright to talk while I work, dear,” Rarity reminded her.

Derpy breathed a sigh of relief. “What do you like so much about Canterlot?” she asked.

“Why, Canterlot is the place where all the important ponies are, of course. The ones that make all the important decisions.”

“Like the mayor?” Derpy asked, trying to avoid a long pin. “She makes a lot of important decision, doesn't she?”

Rarity struggled to focus on the discussion with her mind filled with sewing patterns and unrealized dress outlines.

“Mmmh... yes,” she said. “But that is Ponyville. Canterlot is a bit different. Let's put it like this, if every city in Equestria was a body-part, Canterlot would be the head. Every part is important of course, but a pony can't live without a head.”

“So, if Canterlot is the head... what would Ponyville be, then?” Derpy asked. Rarity thought about this question for a while.

“The pineal gland,” she concluded.





Rarity continued her struggle with the dress. At this point, she had gone completely off the map. All her initial sketches had been crumbled up or scribbled over and she was making stuff up as she went along.

“No, it still doesn’t quite have it yet...” Rairty analyzed.

“Maybe it needs more ribbons?” Derpy suggested.

“Ribbons are so last year!”

“Flowers?”

“Too retro.”

“Neon-colored embroidery?”

“Not retro enough.”

“Glow-in-the-dark buttons?”

“Does that even exist?”

“I hope so!” Derpy said.

Rarity shook her head and sighed.

“I can’t just put anything I want on this! Sure, that might be avant-garde, but probably too eccentric for the judges. And I can't just do the same thing everypony else does, that’s just trend-hopping. And you can't be the second one doing a particular thing, either. That's just being a copycat.”

“So, you need to be the third one? “ Derpy asked, trying to follow along with the logic.

Rarity nursed the center of her forehead briefly and sighed before replying.

“I just need to put my own spin on what's popular at the moment, and it's very important that nopony else finds out what I'm planning, this can be quite a cut-throat industry. Now please hold still, I want to try a purple and pink checkered collar on this...” Rarity levitated a garish collar towards Derpy's neck followed by a couple of particularly large, scary pins.





A few tense moments with the pis later and the collar was in place. It seemed to perform some sort of fashionable magic that somehow made the dress complete. Rarity was pleased with the results and smirked as she studied her handiwork.

“Marvellous!” she said. “What do you think?”

“I can't move!” Derpy exclaimed. “Is that intentional?”

“Uhm... no,” Rarity said with a sheepish grin. “I suppose I made it a little bit too tight. I know just the thing!” She made a pair of scissors fly up and cut a slit in the fabric.

“There, now it's perfect! Hang on...” She made a pen fly up and draw a frantic sketch. When she was done, Derpy was allowed to struggle out of the dress.

“Thank you for your help!”

“No problem. Bye!”





Derpy crashed out of the boutique as Rarity started to sew the dress together. After every couple of inches, she pulled out one of the pins until they were all replaced by stitches. As she started to sew in the decorations, there was a knock on the door.

“Come in!” Rarity said, engrossed in her work.

“Hello, it's me,” Twilight said as she entered the shop.

“Oh, hello Twilight, what do you think of this new dress I am working on?” She made a gesture towards the dress and adjuster her glasses.

“It’s... fine...” Twilight said, making a weak attempt to be diplomatic. “It’ll really... uhm... stand out. Say, has Derpy been around here lately?”

“Why do you ask?” Rarity said, still sewing diligently.

“Derpy is acting strange. She's going around with a spoon conducting faux interviews. She has visited all of us at this point and we got together to talk about what she might be up to.

“We've ruled out insanity for the sake of argument. That leaves us with the theory that she’s probably writing some kind of 'zine or book about us, so you might not want to divulge too much personal information or anything you don't want ponies to know.”

Rarity suddenly dropped her sewing needle.

“Like for example having Derpy involved during every step of the making of my latest dress destined to make a huge splash at the fashion show? The design of which has to be kept secret at all costs, in case some other designer wants to copy it?” she asked.

“Yes, you should probably not do that,” Twilight suggested with a quizzical expression.
> Derpy Hooves
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE DERPY REPORT


Part 7. Derpy Hooves


Derpy was sitting under a small bridge as she counted the stones in the wall; 66 stones from the bottom left, then up 42 stones. She tapped each of them with her hoof until she reached a rock that felt noticeably loose. She wiggled it back and forth until she could remove it. Behind the stone she found two small bags containing her belongings and she put the spoon in one of them before placing the bags on her back.





She walked trough the town and made her way up to Cranky and Matilda's house. After three loud knocks, the female donkey opened the door and looked pleasantly surprised at the pony outside.

“Oh hello, Derpy! Is it Friday already?” she said.

“Yup,” Derpy replied.

“Time flies, huh?” Matilda chuckled. Hearing the commotion at the door, Cranky let out a grunt from inside the house.

“Who is it?” he asked.

“Oh, it's just Derpy,” Matilda turned around and said to him. “She's gonna stay with us over the weekend, if that's okay.”

“Again?” Cranky asked in his usual sardonic tone, but he didn't protest further and Derpy skipped happily through the door. The donkeys’ home was old-fashioned and rustic, with patterned wallpapers and copper pans as wall decorations.

“Did you use the bits I gave you last week?” Matilda asked while they were both standing in the hall.

“A little. I bought some muffins, but I got them cheap.”

“Well, that's good. But Derpy, you can't survive only on sweets. You need to eat properly. I'm afraid you missed dinner, but I can heat some leftovers for you, if you want. We had carrot soup.”

“Sounds yummy!” Derpy exclaimed.





The soup was indeed yummy. The extra time it had to simmer in the pot hadn’t hurt the taste; if anything, the flavour had been improved. The carrots absorbed the warm broth and added a welcome touch of salt to the otherwise savoury taste of the vegetables.

Derpy was drinking the soup straight from the bowl and Matilda joined her at the table for some polite dinner discussion.

“So, how was your day?” she asked.

“It was great! I got to talk to some ponies, they told me a lot of interesting stuff. How was your day?”

“Oh, same old, same old.”

Derpy turned her attention back towards the bowl and the donkey fell silent since she couldn’t get a word in edgewise between Derpy’s content slurping. Once the bowl was empty and Derpy had licked up the last broth-infused crumbs from the bottom of it, she looked up towards Matilda and asked her a question.

“Can I use your kitchen, please?”

“Oh? Are you gonna bake something?”

“No, I just wanna wash a few things.”

“Okay,” Matilda said, then added in a slightly worried tone: “Just be careful.”





Against her better judgment, Matilda left her alone in the kitchen and Derpy emptied the smaller bag onto the sink. A couple of trinkets fell out: a small bubbler, a collection of keys, and the spoon. All of them in dire need of some water and soap.

She dunked them all in water and held each one up in her mouth as she dried them off with a towel. When it was time for the spoon, she picked it up and admired her own distorted, upside-down reflection.

Something Derpy had discovered is that there were things ponies wouldn't tell you if you just approached them on the street and asked them, but would open up about if you had a microphone. And there are things ponies would tell you if you asked them casually that they would never tell you if you had a recording device.

A spoon was the best of both worlds; it made ponies not take you so seriously that they'd lie to you, but it still made them aware that you where taking the interview seriously. The spoon had given her the opportunity to listen to some really interesting stories and it made her happy.





Matilda entered the kitchen and saw Derpy holding up a lone piece of silverware.

“What a nice spoon,” she said politely.

“It is okay,” Derpy said and put it into the bag. “Maybe not a great spoon, but I like it.”

“You're not leaving already?” Matilda asked asked as Derpy was gathering her stuff.

“Oh no, I'm just going upstairs to write for a bit, if that's okay.”

Derpy made her way to the second floor and there was once again a knock on the door. Cranky muttered something about their house not being a train station, but Matilda rushed to answer it.

“Oh, hello Twilight!” she said to the visitor.

“Hi Matilda! You don't happen to know where Derpy is do you? I mean it's Friday and she's usually here on Fridays-”

She was interrupted by the sound of a pony galloping and Applejack appeared at the door-frame.

“Did I hear you talkin’ about Derpy?” Applejack asked, panting slightly from the run. “I've been lookin’ all over for her!” She unloaded the bucket of apples she was carrying. “Granny Smith told me to give her this and tell her something ‘bout 'No snitchin'. I got no idea of what's goin’ trough her mind.”

Twilight glared at Applejack from the corner of her eyes.

“Excuse me, but I was talking here. You can't just butt in like that!”

“Can so!” Applejack protested. “Do you have any idea how long I've been carryin’ these Celestia-forsaken apples around?”

They kept arguing as Matilda just looked on in confusion.





Outside of the house, a mysterious figure in a fashionable outfit was stalking. She tossed a grappling hook up to the window and scaled the wall. Using magic, she opened the window and sneaked in.

She arrived in an empty guest bedroom with Derpy's belongings on the bed, but she ignored those and instead set her sights on the pile of parchments that was sitting on the nightstand. The documents looked Innocent enough, but could contain any number of possibly juicy secrets. Carefully, she inched up towards them and...

“SURPRISE!” Pinkie Pie appeared from under the bed in a flurry of confetti and streamers.

“What the hay?!” Rarity yelled. Pinkie Pie smiled, still lying on the floor.

“I saw you sneaking around Matilda's house and I assumed we were planning a surprise party, so I was practicing my ‘Surprise!’” Pinkie Pie said, and then she noticed Rarity's outfit. “Oh, Is it supposed to be a costume party?”

Rarity took offense to this.

“What? Costume? This isn't a costume. It is my extremely fashionable, sneaky ninja suit. How do you like it?” She bobbed her head to bring attention to the scarlet jumpsuit she wore. As an accessory, she had a white headband with the word “NINJA” written on it.

“It's... nice.” Pinkie Pie said. “Very stealthy.”

Their argument was interrupted by Derpy's voice from the adjacent room.





“Who's there?” it said. “A-a-are you ghosts?” They could hear hoofsteps as Derpy made her way into the guest bedroom.

Panic was rising from inside Rarity. She looked around in vain for a place to hide, but Pinkie Pie grabbed her and dragged her under the bed.

Derpy's head appeared from the door-frame. She looked around the room, eyes focused on different corners.

“Alright,” Pinkie Pie whispered to Rarity. “On three we both jump out.”

“Jump out?” Rarity said. “When we just found a place to hide?“

Undeterred, Pinkie Pie started the countdown.

“3...”

“Don't you think...”

“2...”

“...that this is a bad-”

“1!”

“Noo!”

“SURPRISE! HAPPY UN-BIRTHDAY!” Pinkie Pie shouted as they both reappeared from under the bed. “It is your un-birthday, isn't it?”


“Why yes! It is my un-birthday!” Derpy said with a wide grin.

Pinkie Pie started singing an un-birhday song. Rarity took the opportunity to sneak up to the nightstand, but the documents were all gone. Outside of Matilda’s house, a small bunny was sneaking away with a roll of papers in its paws.





The two ponies at the door had finally stopped arguing and they were both making their way upstairs. They arrived in a room decorated by serpentine and confetti. Rarity was sitting on the bed looking gloomy, still wearing her scarlet ninja-suit while Pinkie Pie was doing a little song-and-dance routine for Derpy. Twilight and Applejack stared at the scene with identical confused expressions. Pinkie Pie noticed them and interrupted her song.

“Twilight! Applejack!” Pinkie Pie said. “I'm so glad you decided to come, we're having a surprise un-birthday party!”

“But it’s not anypony’s birthday is it?” Twilight asked.

“That's why it is an un-birthday party, silly!” Pinkie Pie said. “Oh, and you brought a present?” She said to Applejack, noticing the apples.

“Yes, something like that,” Applejack said. “Here, Derpy!” She placed the bucket of apples on the ground. “This is from Granny Smith, she said you'd understand. Uhm... Do you understand?” she asked.

“Nope!” Derpy said, leaving Applejack puzzled by her genuinely oblivious expression.

“Well, in any case, they're good apples!” she said. “Apple Acres’s finest, go on, try one!” she offered and Derpy did so.

“Delicious!” she exclaimed.





It was kind of short notice for a party, but Pinkie Pie discovered a gramophone and some old records and soon they had some soothing jazz as background music. The other ponies decided to just go along with it and they made some preparations as well.

Applejack found a small tub which she filled with water and apples and Rarity started to decorate the room with some balloons she found in a closet. Pinkie Pie took on the role of party coordinator and made a mental checklist of things they needed for a good time.

“Let's see. Have we missed anything?” she said as she inspected the scene. “Balloons, check, apple-bobbing, check...”

Derpy thought hard; she had a bunch of nice ponies around her being friendly, her stomach was full and she had a roof over her head, at least for the weekend. What more could she possibly want?

“I'd like some ice cream.” she confessed.

Pinkie Pie checked the list and made a double-take at her own negligence.

“Oh my! We don't have any cakes, cookies, candy or sweet stuff! Hang on, I'll be right back!”

Pinkie Pie disappeared and as the frantic party preparations calmed down somewhat, Twilight turned to Derpy.

“I was just wondering,” she said. “What did you plan to do with all our interviews?”

“Truth is,” Derpy said, blushing slightly. “I just wanted a chance to talk to you all.”

She had an uncertain look in her eyes, but Twilight just smiled back.

“Well, next time you don't need to pretend to interview us. If you want to talk, you can just ask.”


Epilouge


Angel was digging a hole in the ground. Beside him was a stash of parchments. ‘I gotta hurry’, he thought to himself. ‘I need to be done before-’

“Hello Angel!” Fluttershy said. “What are you doing?”

‘Oh, hi Fluttershy, you're home early’, Angel tried to say with an innocent smile. But before he could protest, Fluttershy had picked the papers up and started to read them.





“It was a dark and stormy night, Goldmane made her way trough the wretched wastelands. Her golden yellow hair fluttered elegantly in the harsh wind.

‘I must make my way to Canterlot,’ she said to herself. ‘Maybe somepony there knows who I am...’

‘Not so fast, princess...’ a voice said behind her. Behind her stood a tall dark spectre with hollow eyes.

‘The Vampire King!’ Goldmane blurted out. She threw a roaring red fireball towards the undead king.

‘NO! My one weakness!’ he roared and disintegrated into a pile of black soot. The particles blew away trough the wind...”





The story continued in the same vein for fifteen pages. It followed Goldmane, an illegitimate daughter of Celestia that had been raised in a small farming town.

At least none could say it wasn't an entertaining story. Goldmane journeyed across the wastelands searching for her destiny, battling monsters and eventually falling in love with a prince who bore an uncanny resemblance to Shining Armor.

“What a cute story!” Fluttershy remarked. “Where did you get this, Angel?”

Story? Angel looked as tough he was about to say a really bad word in the rabbit language. But before Angel could start a frantic, silently swearing charade explaining this situation, Fluttershy got distracted by a colorful streak in the sky that eventually turned to Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, hello Rainbow.” she said.

“What are you still doing here?” Rainbow Dash said. “There's a party at Matilda’s place, and we're having so much fun, you just have to join us!” Fluttershy seemed a bit reluctant at first, but didn't want to say no to one of her friends.

“Okay,” she said and they both flew back to Matilda's house to partake in the impromptu un-birthday party.




THE END

Mad props goes to:
Invictus for editing my drafts and helping me weed out bad ideas.

Lucefuduu for doing the final edits and helping me polish it.

Cosmic for all-around helpful suggestions.

Eviltomby and Distrance for proofreading.