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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I first thought that Nihilus was going to turn Dash into something like her self, an anti-Dash, so to speak, but this is worse...
NEXT CHAPTER!
I love this story and realize you probably don't care, but I noticed a little something. While you are an amazing writer, there seems to be one convention you are unfamiliar with. When someone is speaking and a paragraph ends, yet they continue speaking in the next one, there is no need for a closing quotation mark. For example, this passage:
“-Not Princess Luna, Princess Celestia,” Rarity corrected, leaning in and whispering in a conspiratorial tone, her grudge seemingly forgotten. “In the middle of her throne room, while she was holding court. They failed, obviously. In any case, her assailant wore a grey cloak, and wearing the color has become a major faux pas. The entire aristocracy has to reorder their summer wardrobe.”
“Celestia had the entire thing under control in moments, of course,” Rarity continued, “Though I have heard rumors- and these are totally unvalidated, mind you- that in order to catch all the culprits she used mind magic on her assailant.”
Would become:
“-Not Princess Luna, Princess Celestia,” Rarity corrected, leaning in and whispering in a conspiratorial tone, her grudge seemingly forgotten. “In the middle of her throne room, while she was holding court. They failed, obviously. In any case, her assailant wore a grey cloak, and wearing the color has become a major faux pas. The entire aristocracy has to reorder their summer wardrobe.
“Celestia had the entire thing under control in moments, of course,” Rarity continued, “Though I have heard rumors- and these are totally unvalidated, mind you- that in order to catch all the culprits she used mind magic on her assailant.”
This is a minor thing, but I thought you might want to know. Anyway, I really love the story, keep up the good work.
holy shit! I don't think I've ever shed a tear in distress like this and I've read my fair share of stories.
This is simply fantasticly, brilliantly amazing!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUDGE FUDGE FUDGE!!!!!!!!! :C
No! Dash! Gah, this was really effective. Dash is my fave pony, and the way you wrote the scene really made my stomach clench. I really hope Dash can break free somehow. I'm simultaneously eager to read/dreading the next bit.
i don't see any gold at the end of this rainbow....
And normally when somebody succumbs to madness they only regain clarity in a scat few moments before their death, im pretty sure it's like, a rule of insanity or something. Only in those true few seconds of realization does the weight of the crimes smash into you, before blissful death. But no, you took it a step further, dash feel's the clarity and pain every time she follows a command, never entering the much needed closure of oblivion. Even if she's purified or whatever she'll still remember the atrocities, and she won't have Celestia to console her. She'll only have a broken country to return to, and the memories of a shell-shocked war criminal.
Tracked.
First time reading and i must say, I alreadt love it!!!
All right. You know how I know this story is so good? I find myself feeling an almost uncontrollable urge to load my shotgun and charge into the computer screen.
Nihilus, if you harm Dashie, I will hurt you. Know that I am a member of one of the most formidable forces in the world. If you damage any of my beloved ponies, I will find a way. I will find a way into your world, through science or sheer force of will. I will bring with me fire that can scorch the very ground you walk upon, steel that can pulverize even the toughest of dragon scales, and the blood of one of the most disciplined military units the world has ever known. If this does not strike fear in your black heart, as I think it would not due to your foolishness which is obvious by your actions, know this: if I can find my way into your world, who knows what else I could bring. Giant mechanical constructs of total destruction, crafts that can annihilate entire stars, mystics that can bend the very fabric of reality to their whims, and warriors from the blackest pits to aid in my vengeance.
Heed this warning, you creature of wretched darkness: if you harm my ponies further, there is no force in Heaven and Earth that will be able to protect you. I will kill you. And so help me God, the last thing you will hear in this life will be the names of the ponies you've hurt.
You have been warned.
But since I doubt you'll listen, I'll just keep reading.
“Do you not see the beauty of it, my pet? You will stumble along through insanity, lost and confused. And you will only truly be Rainbow Dash after you have surrendered your free will and done my bidding. You will experience moments of clarity only after you have succumbed and committed the most horrible atrocities, and you will spend those moments grieving for the innocent lives I will have you destroy. Your only escape will be to become a monster of your own volition.”
This paragraph reminded me of how epic the early chapters were!
Silver out!
And then there was Wrong.
All right--whoever this Tartarus-spawned twit is that's done this to my favorite Element-bearer needs to go down and go down hard. Nopony does things like this to the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony and gets away with it!!
It worries me that only after I start to read this for the third time do I realise that this chapter needs to be ponified. Ponies, not people. Manes, not hair. Of course this is merely me nit-picking and being a dweeb, nor will you correct this simply because it is not important enough. Ah well, onwards to the next chapter and hoping the Epilogue will come out soon
WELL... That escalated quickly!
Well horseapples! Looks like Nihilus is looking for a beat down....
Holy crap, this is awesome! I regret putting this off for so long. Twi is corrupted, Dash is under her complete control now, and shit is going to hit the fan. It makes me wonder if she had seen the book that Celestia left out for her.
I feel like discord will be a huge wild card in this game.
This chapter scared me. This chapter, honest to god, SCARED me. And I've seen some shit. Hell, I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion (including End of Evangelion) without being scared, even though I was disturbed and at one point even nauseous. (people who watched End of Evangelion know which scene that was at) This, however, is the first fanfic to legitimately scare me since Friendship is Optimal, and even that was "just" slight existential terror. Hell, this is one of the first works of fiction in general (be it literature, movie or series) to scare me. This says several things about your writing:
1. Your writing is amazing, period. If you can't write well enough to paint me a detailed picture of a scene without trailing on for too long you can't scare me because I won't be immersed.
2. You write your characters extremely lively. If the same thing that happened with RD in this chapter would have happened to... most of every other character I can think of from any story, I would not have been as scared. Crying wrecks don't elicit an emotional response from me, nor do stoics. This sounds easy, as all things involved with writing do, but striking the balance between these is incredibly hard to do. This balance being completely missed is, among others, why hardly any horror movie does anything besides gross me out - all the characters are either screaming and sobbing or are dumb shits that go right into the danger, somehow convinced there is none or that they can deal with it if there is. You managed to make Dashie brave while still having her inevitably succumb to the spell without detracting from either her bravery or the horror of it all.
3. The actual thing that happened was very imaginative. And here I thought that what happened in MMC (suddenly failing at your one purpose in life) was the most existentially terrifying thing that could happen to someone. Boy was I wrong. If there is a hell, it would be what RD is experiencing. Holy Mother of Fucking Ducks.
I'll need to catch a breather after this chapter and mentally prepare myself for Dashie beating up Pinkie, even though I'm fairly sure that she'll be able to escape (unless you're a monster, but we kinda established that already with this chapter). Summarized, this chapter combined with the last one is enough to earn you a like and a favorite, regardless of the rest of the story because this truly was a perfect example of how you do grimdark writing and writing in general.
What, something I disliked about this chapter? Well, if I have to, I'd say Rarity being used as the only exposition dump in the chapter was a bit meh-ish. You could have switched it around a little, especially since there's really no reason why the others wouldn't know some of these things while Rarity does. But I digress - perhaps you have an explaination lying around for this, in which case I'll have to congratulate you for writing what is in my eyes a perfect chapter.
Nihilus, you little...
I am going to get you separated from Twilight somehow, kill you in the most gruesome way possible, throw your body in an incinerator, throw that incinerator in another incinerator, throw that incinerator into a garbage can, and throw that garbage can into the middle of the ocean.
But before I do steps 2-5, I will force you to watch Annoying Orange and Justin Bieber (is that how you spell it?) music videos for weeks on end.
Ahem.
Don't mind me.
Just making weird threats.
Ahh, It feels good to be reading this story again. I thought that I'd forgotten all the details but as soon as I read the first sentence, it all came flowing back.
Please someone tell me I'm not the only one who thinks that Nihilus was inspired by this guy
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/182/d/e/darth_nihilus____tag_by_3dblenderrender-d55mqjf.png
1633412 Why did someone give you a thumbs down?
Dash!? Dash! DAMMMIT, WE LOST HER!!! I WILL kill you, Nihilus! You can bet your evil, wretched soul on it!
3958750 You forgot about throwing the ocean into an incinerator...
Shouldn't people be ponies?
And did you mean: who know how
Other than that, I'm totally hooked
@your local: He was the first guy I thought of too
This confirms it even more than the first chapter does: this alicorn dude is unfit to rule
5354573 Why do you think 'people' should be 'ponies'?
I have to say that having Twilight taken evil right off the bat like is a good hook and makes me compelled to keep reading.
Rainbowdash confirmed gay.
Nice calm before the storm
The first few chapters are a lot more exposition dumpy than I remember but I still like them.
The titles are important line, oh I so do love good forshadowing.
Somewhere, Starlight Glimmer shudders in total fear.
Aka Sunset's ancestor.
Watching a character's agency be manipulated or negated is always painful.
And I wonder if Titan really thinks that a 100% personality-opposite of Twilight would actually be that useful to him.
Ten bits says Twilight's knows how, but just doesn't use it because she's a good pony
I have been wanting to read this story again for such a long time! I love this one so much!
Well done usually I'm uncaring to the plight of others but you made me feel sorry for dash loss of freedom is the worst thing someone can live through loss of sanity is a close 2nd this is rough.