Oh Bloody Hell...

by Derek Watterson

Oh Hell...

Oh Bloody Hell...

Written By: Derek Watterson, AKA AnimatedGamer

Chapter 1 - Oh Hell...

-_________________________________________________________________________-

The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, a wholly remarkable book that can define just about anything, from simple calculus, to how to buy, use, and not die with Elqurian party favors, as well as being able to list off almost every known species in existence.

For instance; it is not commonly known that within each universe there is at least one in a million people whose entire life is applicable to a singular formula.

3.3*Fun + -L _ -E = M to the 13th power.

It is also uncommonly known that for each Solid Universe there are a near infinite amount of String Universes, all of which are wrapped up like a kitten with a yarn ball. This not well known fact of life is commonly theorized as the Multiverse theory on lesser planets like the Human home world of Earth. And if in one Solid Universe there are at least one in a million people whose luck is worse than that of Mr. Meowgie the Third of the planet Shnozer –Who has accidentally killed herself 8.5 times out of her 9 lives, 5 of which were accidents with yarn balls, 3 being accidents with a singular toothbrush that refused to play with her, and the last half by a hairball gone rogue while enjoying the torment of her handler by annoying him-, then there are an equal amount of people within each subset String Universe with luck skills comparable to a pile of warm fecal matter that was designated for the rotary fecal removing, bladed device.

This tale follows one of these unlucky shmucks, who are understandably confused, disoriented, and in layman terms ‘fucked up’ and then throws that concept out the not so metaphorical airlock chamber of a class three prison facility dedicated to helping young outstanding criminals with learning to write terrible fan fictions based upon two thing. A, the current media fad, and B, what the most commonly overused fan fiction concept of said media fad happened to be at the time.

Currently that fad is that there is a pre-faster-than-light species known as Humans with unheard of god-like power being dropped into other realities; most coincidently, they actually do exist, though rarely do they have any real powers.

So, let’s start this terribly drawl and depressing story with the introduction of our poor, not so lucky, and heavily misunderstood protagonist.

“Ohhhhhhh…. My head…”

His name is Kyle. And he was a part time writing instructor for autistic teenagers. And before anyone points it out, yes he and I both know that Kyle is an overused name, and that something like Carl would be better. Shut up.

“Why do I feel like I just went through a horribly gone wrong plot scene in which I got intoxicated with some buddies and then got my ass handed to me by three kids in costumes…” He groaned again, feeling pain from a mix of being completely wasted the day before, the hangover from said wastedness and the small bruise on the top of his head, hidden underneath a layer of murky brown hair.

The moment after his groan was quite an important one. Why? Because he realized he was hearing a voice in his head.

And it was narrating everything he did or thought about.

“Seriously, who the hell are you, how do you know all that, and why aren't you helping the poor hangover inflicted fellow who’s laying against a tree, namely me?”

After a few moments of silence he grumbled lowly to himself about the narration and the lack of good people in the world, followed by him pushing himself up off the ground and tree, and then tilting his head side to side in search for something in particular, all the while rubbing his temples.

“You know, I can still hear you, you asshole… if you aren't going to help me, then go away and leave me be… bloody bastard…”

Again, silence; this time however, lasted much longer and was, much to his own personal relief, a moment of relaxation as well as a moment for him to collect his thoughts. Which, oddly enough, were centered around kittens, food, and a good old cup of tea at the current moment, and much to his chargin, as was shown by him throwing his arms into the air filled with his own aggravation, he agreed with the strange accented voice. Why was he thinking about kittens?

“I don’t bloody know why I’m thinking about kittens! And I won’t have any more of this narration nonsense, so come out now, or I’ll be forced to take drastic measures!” He then quickly examined what he was wearing, noting he was still in his pajamas, with a bathrobe over them, a messenger’s bag at his side, and a towel rapped lightly around his neck. He moved as fast as he could to grab the towel so as to appear like he knew what he was doing and put it out in front of himself to seem as intimidating as he could manage. It of course made no difference as the voice that was speaking to him was still missing from the clearing in which he had been laid down in.

“What the hell do you mean look and manage, I guarantee that I look ten times more intimidating than some nut with a book narration fetish!” He yelled out, his head movement back to continuing its swivel, searching for someone who was, but wasn’t there.

“HA! You just admitted that you were somewhere around here, now all I gotta do is find ya, ya bloody wanker!” He ranted out into the empty woods still surrounding him, the area around him devoid of life, both predators and prey.

“Well… now that you mention it, this place does look pretty empty… not a single animal in sight, nor making any noise… strange…” He stopped swiveling his head around harshly; instead returning to the first motion he used it for, searching for any sign of life outside of the voice in his head.

“Yeah, yeah, when I find you though, I’m going to rip you a new one… asshole…” He chuckled lightly at his own joke, before his eyes found something of great importance to him; a worn down trail. He knew that the person who was bothering him would still be around in this area, but decided that leaving it rather than trying to hunt down the voice would be both easier and faster, while also not giving him the chance to get lost further. So he did the only thing that seemed natural;

He tightened his grip on his towel to give himself some more reassurance and then he began his journey down the trail as the voice temporarily silenced itself.

-_________________________A~Few~Hour’s~Later____________________________-

Books.

Books are considered by many to be some of the greatest things ever invented, mainly because books commonly lead to higher thought and further to learning, and even further to the realm of science and advancement. This is why Twilight Sparkle, the youngest princess of the three princesses of Equestria as well as being the forth currently crowned, unconditionally loved books. Not because of the reasons that many a rumor had made about her being into a book fetish, nor because of the respect for a fine craft of literature itself; but because of the knowledge gained by reading them. Weather that knowledge be scientific in nature, or merely the fictional recreation of entire lands, or even the occasional knowledge on romance, gained from reading the many tales of forbidden love in word form. It all collected and in some form or another and was used to advance the world as a whole.

That is why, when she walked into the Golden Oaks Library of Ponyville, she felt rage build up on the inside of herself, as well plenty of worry. She had been returning from grocery shopping when she had opened the door to the library, and had immediately dropped the recent purchases to the ground in favor of comprehending the sight she was met with.

Inside the door, and just a bit further in, lay a pile of books, haphazardly thrown on top of each other in an un-orderly fashion that would, and probably did, lead to at least a little damage to said knowledge repositories. This, while normally would make her crabby and more than a little sour, was not what made her heart pick up its pace, nor what made her face turn red with frustration and her eyes to drop some tears onto the oak floor beneath.

It was what was beyond that, that did.

Behind the pile was a shelf; a shelf covered in green flame.

More properly referred to as Dragon Fire or Dragons Breath.

And there was indeed a small dragon in the room, one she knew well, who was running around with a bucket alongside three infamous fillies, who had just finished emptying the combined load of their pales onto the scorched shelf. Which, much to their own aggravation, just made the green flames grow, and caused the edges of said flame to turn purple.

Twilight, much to her own credit, was quick to forget the four panicky children in favor putting the magical flames out, using an air removal spell she had learnt as a young child herself, just for scenarios in which the young drake named Spike, who she had raised herself, lost control of his fire. Relief came to her quickly as the flame died down, showing that the wood, although now scarred black, was still usable and that the books that had once rested on said shelf were the books that now rested on the floor instead.

The books resting on the floor was much more preferable than them being burned to a crisp or soaked by water from the children. Speaking of which, they were all now looking at her with fear in their young eyes, the panic of life or death gone and replaced with the panic of what an infuriated Twilight Sparkle could do.

Twilight was indeed wearing the look they had all expected, and immediately they all huddled together, shrinking under the gaze of a red faced Twilight. “Uh, Twilight we can explain everythin’, so please don’ be angry.” Spoke up the pony in front, who happened to be AppleBloom, both the fillies behind her and the young drake nodded vigorously.

Twilight exhaled loudly, before sighing and planting her rump firmly against the floor in front of the door, blocking off any escape attempts the fillies and baby dragon could make, short of running upstairs and jumping out one of her windows that is.

“Fine then. Explain. Now.” Her face losing its shade of red, now instead shifting into a cold, hardened face, prepared for the eyes and looks the group of kids could throw at her.

“Well, ya see-" AppleBloom began, only to be cut off by one of the others. Namely, Sweetie Belle.

“We were helping AppleBloom with her potions making when all the sudden this huge animal walked in, only he wasn’t an animal, he was really this huge hooman thing from some place called Britain, and his name is Kyle. He also called himself a hitch hiker, so then I looked up what hitch hiker meant in the dictionary, and it said that ponies called hitch hikers don’t have homes to go back to, and he said that he didn’t know where he was so I told him to wait until you got back because you’re a princess and you could help him, then Spike noticed that he smelt really, really, reeeeeaaaly bad, so then Spike offered for him to use the shower. And when he got back down after his shower, we told him what we were doing, which was potion making.” She paused, taking in a huge gulp of breath so she could continue her unnecessarily long summary of things.

“And he was all like ‘nu-uh, there’s no such thing as potion making, not outside of fiction writing’ and then he started complaining about how there was this weird voice lying to him in his head, and then we showed him potion making, and after we showed him the effects he freaked out and started yelling which was really scary cause he’s so big, and then Spike freaked out too and spewed his dragon breath, and then, and then, and then he was all like ‘quick, get something that can hold water like pales or something’ and I was all like ‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT A PALE IS!’ and he was all like ‘buckets!’ and I was like ‘oh, you should have said so!’ and then he was like ‘go get some then, I’m gonna go see if I can get a hose or something’ and then… well, you came in, and you know the rest…”

Again, to Twilight's credit, she had listened the entire time, even if everything the little filly said was obviously, and most definitely not the truth, still, she was upset that the filly tried to lie to her bu-

A loud boom resonated through the tree as the door was violently swung open, slamming against its fellow wood behind her. Followed by a whoosh as she was splashed with water from a hose, followed by an immediate, “Oh shit!” and the water being turned off.

Great. One instant she was dealing with finding her books in a large pile that would lead them to damage, and there was the magic fire, and then she had to deal with a bunch of lying fillies. And now. Now she had to deal with being drenched to the bone by some random pony. She turned to the pony while wiping the bangs of her soaked mane out of the way of her eyes, preparing herself to give them a stern talking too.

She was not ready to find that there was a huge, almost freakishly large, six foot two inch tall bi-pedal figure in a light blue bathrobe with a dark blue towel draped around its neck.

She immediately passed out due to shock.

Both from the tall, obviously not-pony, and the stress of her day before all of this even began.

Author's Note:

I'm not British so please excuse me if this is a poor representation of a person from Britishland...

Please don't hurt me

Anywho, hope you enjoy and stuff.

Please also note that is was a test. Tell me of you enjoyed it, or what needs to be done to make it better.

Comments

[DiscordsAdvocate]

Keep writing. The guide needs a chapter on this planet.

[Madzoroark]

All my yes. All of it!!

[Beeooow]

Proceed...

In all seriousness, this is pretty good for a test!

[Derek Watterson]

4241090 Thanks, honestly my other story takes precedence over this, but I hope to bring you more soon!

4241136 Thank you! I will take all of your yes and use it to feed my creative flow (the hobo in my basement), so that I can bring you more of this!

4241193 I shall proceed soon hopefully, but like I said, it was test, and is not my main current focus. I hope to satisfy you with more soon.

To all of you; what was your favorite bit of the first chapter?

Thanks again for the positive feedback people, it really does make a difference.

~AnimatedGamer

[Wacky]

4243184 This has a lot of potential--I'm a BIG hitchhikers fan, but I think you should drop the narrator-Kyle interplay. It seems to have taken off as a fad of its own and lost its narrative potential.

I first saw it in Drowtales, then several people began writing about it in stories, and I think I heard someone say that it was being used in one of those highschool-girl cartoon shows.

If you can do something more with it then follow that path, but I came off feeling that it distracted from the rest of the story. Still got an up-vote from me though.