When Cheese Sandwich moves to Ponyvile he has to rent a room at Sugarcube Corner, and that means him and Pinkie have to share a room, causing Pinkie's romantic side to show.
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derpychic
Joined 3rd Apr, 2014 ·
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Awwwww.
did somepony just break the fourth wall
4246083 Yes, that's what it says they're dreaming about.
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4246098 ok
Lol, their dream's so...Pinkie-ish...
4246221 Yeah, if you've read my other stories than you'll get why they said that I'm not doing a very good job, I get a lot of negative criticism.
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4246253
Hey, just keep practicing and you'll get better!
4246265 It's also supposed to be a joke too, not just a reference to my other stories.
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4246285
Yup, just sayin', practice makes perfect!
I'll skip past the good stuff (of which there was a lot) and head straight to what you need to improve. 3 things, mainly. One, detailing. Nearly all of these scenes were a bit lacking in details, instead just giving out the most basic of elements and stopping there. What I would suggest is to come up with the room, or character, or whatever, and then describe them EXACTLY as you see in your head. Leave nothing out. Then have someone read it and tell you what they saw. If it looks too far off, add more details. Repeat until perfection.
2, pacing. The fluffy romantic bit came in a bit too early. It needed a lot more events preceding it in which they get to know each other better before the moment where nothing mattered more than each other.
3, grammar. Admittedly, it was almost flawless. Almost. But there was one error you kept making, and it drove me goddamn crazy. I'll use this sentence as an example:
"Come on let's play" said Pinkie.
It should read:
"Come on, let's play," said Pinkie.
The first comma, between on and let's, is unimportant for this. It was just annoying me a bit. The main recurring proble was the one after "play". In a dialogue situation where the speaker tag ("said Pinkie" in this case) comes after the speech, there is a comma before the quotation mark. If the speaker tag comes before (Pinkie said "Come on, let's play.") The period would be in the quotations. If it uses an alternate punctuation ("Come on, let's play!" or "You want to play?") put the punctuation before the quotes instead of the period ("Come on, let's play!" said Pinkie).
And there's your overcritical review from me. I'm still favoriting, though; I readily expecting to see this story grow in both size and quality over time.
4246047 Are you referring to the story of the cover art?
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4246359 Thanks, I rarely get positive criticism and so far it's got nothing but eight likes, "Crazy love" has six likes and eleven dislikes, while "Rainbow Dash the Wonderbolt" has ten likes and thirty-seven dislikes.
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4246427 You're welcome.
Wow! This is a real improvement from your other stories! Awesome job! You've added a bit more detail and there are less grammatical errors. Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich are so cute. Lol I love their forth-wall breaking! One thing that I would like to say is it's spelt Ponyville. Can't wait for more!
ERMACELESTIA DA ENDING LOL
Verdict: Fantastic! See what I mean? Diamond in the rough at first when you started out. But now, your writing is becoming more and more polished. Keep up the good work!
weird to say the least. But I expect more to come Ditzy
4246368 Both!
I'm thinking about Cheese Sammich too much... I'm even eating a huge chocolate bunny! I'm so silly!
I loved the fourth wall break but the story seemed rushed
This is very sweet
If you plan on continueing please
I would love to read it