Chapter 1: The move in
"Hello, are you Miss Cupcake, I'm moving to Ponyville and I can't find a house and I know Pinkie Pie and she told me all about you!" yelled Cheese Sandwich as he ran inside Sugarcube Corner.
"Sure, we guess you can move in with us," said Miss Cupcake as she straightened a stack of orders "but first we need to interview you. Carrot cake! Can you please come and take orders and bake!?"
"Coming! I'm leaving Pinkie in charge of the twins."said Mr. Cake at he walked down the stairs.
"Now what i-"
"Cheese Sandwich, party planner, twenty-three, April first, 1991, Pinkie Pie, cheese, yellow, Ponyvile elementary, four foot two, one hundred and two pounds, and a grilled cheese sandwich in the shape of a accordion!"
"Okay, I guess you'll be ready to move in next Sunday."
Exactly one week later...
"Hurry guys, Cheese is almost here" said Pinkie as she walked down the stairs of Sugarcube Corner.
"Pinkie, he won't be here for another two hours" said Twilight as she followed Pinkie down the stairs.
"No, I see him out the window" said Pinkie pointing out the window.
"Well, that was fast" said Rainbow.
"Hi, Cheese" said Pinkie as she ran out the door and almost jumped on him.
"Hi, there Pinkie" said Cheese as he hugged Pinkie as if she were a ragdoll.
"Come on I'll show you to your room" said Pinkie as she pulled Cheese up the stairs. "Here we are, sorry, I hope you don't mind sharing a room" said Pinkie as she jumped from one bed to the other.
"I love it, so many balloons and streamers!"
"Well bye guys, hope you'll be happy" said Twilight as she and the others walked out.
Probably about five minutes later there was the ringing of the bakery door opening, the Cakes were home.
"Pinkie, we're home, is Cheese here yet?" said Mrs. Cupcake as her and Mr. Carrot cake walked in.
Pinkie and Cheese zipped down the stairs to greet the Cakes.
"Hi there Mr. and Mrs. Cake, we're going to have so much fun!" said Cheese as he hugged them tightly.
"Uh, hi Cheese." said the Cakes together.
"Come on, I'll introduce you to the twins." said Pinkie.
The two quickly went to the kitchen to entertain the twins.
"Peek a boo, peek a boo!" said the two.
The babies began to laugh and shake their rattles, they screamed with joy and were having fun.
"Okay, it's time for the babies to go to bed" said Miss Cupcake as she picked up the twins.
"Come on, I guess we should go to bed too" said Pinkie as she motioned for him to fallow her.
Upon further notice of the room Cheese realized that his bed had a mattress that looked a slice of bread and a blanket that looked like a slice of Swiss cheese.
"Wake up Cheese!" yelled Pinkie at the top of her lungs.
"Okey-dokey." he said as he got out of bed and nodded.
"Come on, I'll give you a tour of Sugarcube Corner ."
First Pinkie showed him the supply closet, it was surprisingly big for a closet, at least for Pinkie and Cheese.
Next was the nursery.
"Come on, let's play!" said Pinkie.
"Peek a boo, peek a boo!"
"Ahh, hehe!"
After about six hours of play they went to the Cakes' room, it had cake and candy themed decorations a bed in the shape of a cake, complete with frosting like silk blankets, there were also a few cupcake shaped chairs.
Finally there was the kitchen.
"Come on let's look through some cook books." said Pinkie.
Then their hooves touched, their eyes met, and for a moment there was nothing that mattered more to them than each other.
"Cupcake?" they said at th same time. "Uh, sure, here you go." still talking in perfect sync, then they ate their cupcakes at the same time.
"Well, it's already seven o'clock, we should get ready for bed" said Pinkie.
They took baths and brushed their teeth, and went to bed.
"Uh, Cheese, do you want to cuddle?" asked Pinkie sheepishly.
"Sure. Who's bed?"
"Mine, it's so soft and fluffy."
They fell to sleep in Pinkie's bed cuddling. Cheese kept sniffing Pinkie's hair and Pinkie kept rubbing Cheese's back. They dreamt of fourth wall breaking and parties.
"We're cartoon characters who are made into toys, we're cartoon characters who are currently being written in fan fiction," they sang together at a party "we're not real, just a figment of someponie's imagination, la, da, da, da."
"Uh, fan fiction, sure, toys that look like you, sure, cartoon that's based on you, sure, but we aren't a figment of any-." said Twilight, cutting off in the middle of her sentence to be interrupted by Pinkie and Cheese.
"Don't listen to her because she doesn't know what she's talking about, we're all just a figment of someponie's imagination. We're fake, fiction, cartoon characters, beloved toys, and this random girl is writing about us as we speak, in fact she's writing down what we're saying, seeing, and doing, but she's not doing a very good job!"
"Aww, look at them, it's just like us." whispered Mrs. Cupcake as she and Mr. Carrot Cake watched Pinkie and Cheese cuddle.
"Yeah, just like us." whispered Mr. Carrot Cake as they walked away from the room.
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Awwwww.
did somepony just break the fourth wall
4246083 Yes, that's what it says they're dreaming about.
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4246098 ok
Lol, their dream's so...Pinkie-ish...
4246221 Yeah, if you've read my other stories than you'll get why they said that I'm not doing a very good job, I get a lot of negative criticism.
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4246253
Hey, just keep practicing and you'll get better!
4246265 It's also supposed to be a joke too, not just a reference to my other stories.
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4246285
Yup, just sayin', practice makes perfect!
I'll skip past the good stuff (of which there was a lot) and head straight to what you need to improve. 3 things, mainly. One, detailing. Nearly all of these scenes were a bit lacking in details, instead just giving out the most basic of elements and stopping there. What I would suggest is to come up with the room, or character, or whatever, and then describe them EXACTLY as you see in your head. Leave nothing out. Then have someone read it and tell you what they saw. If it looks too far off, add more details. Repeat until perfection.
2, pacing. The fluffy romantic bit came in a bit too early. It needed a lot more events preceding it in which they get to know each other better before the moment where nothing mattered more than each other.
3, grammar. Admittedly, it was almost flawless. Almost. But there was one error you kept making, and it drove me goddamn crazy. I'll use this sentence as an example:
"Come on let's play" said Pinkie.
It should read:
"Come on, let's play," said Pinkie.
The first comma, between on and let's, is unimportant for this. It was just annoying me a bit. The main recurring proble was the one after "play". In a dialogue situation where the speaker tag ("said Pinkie" in this case) comes after the speech, there is a comma before the quotation mark. If the speaker tag comes before (Pinkie said "Come on, let's play.") The period would be in the quotations. If it uses an alternate punctuation ("Come on, let's play!" or "You want to play?") put the punctuation before the quotes instead of the period ("Come on, let's play!" said Pinkie).
And there's your overcritical review from me. I'm still favoriting, though; I readily expecting to see this story grow in both size and quality over time.
4246047 Are you referring to the story of the cover art?
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4246359 Thanks, I rarely get positive criticism and so far it's got nothing but eight likes, "Crazy love" has six likes and eleven dislikes, while "Rainbow Dash the Wonderbolt" has ten likes and thirty-seven dislikes.
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4246427 You're welcome.
Wow! This is a real improvement from your other stories! Awesome job! You've added a bit more detail and there are less grammatical errors. Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich are so cute. Lol I love their forth-wall breaking! One thing that I would like to say is it's spelt Ponyville. Can't wait for more!
ERMACELESTIA DA ENDING LOL
Verdict: Fantastic! See what I mean? Diamond in the rough at first when you started out. But now, your writing is becoming more and more polished. Keep up the good work!
weird to say the least. But I expect more to come Ditzy
4246368 Both!
I'm thinking about Cheese Sammich too much... I'm even eating a huge chocolate bunny! I'm so silly!
I loved the fourth wall break but the story seemed rushed
This is very sweet
If you plan on continueing please
I would love to read it