Dirty
Gleaming rays of sunlight bathed a figure beneath the covers, bringing the mare hidden beneath them into the waking world. The energy bombarded her eyelids, and forced them open without much resistance She looked around with half-open eyes, seeing half of everything there was to see. The walls weren’t white, but colorful, and yet they were a different color than they had been the night before. Every morning they were reborn, with some new color or two, maybe even some wallpaper if she was lucky.
She could make a rainbow with all the colors she’d seen on the walls over the years. Sometimes she wished she could lay them all out like that, look back on everything she’d done and see something beautiful made from it. That would be pointless, though. She’d seen all the colors, some more than others. Some colors she saw a few nights in a row, others she only saw every once in a while, and they were always the least bitter.
Her eyes opened a bit more, and she could see a bit more. The walls were dingy and faded, the paint peeling here and there. Crooked pictures hung on the walls. The closest held a stallion and mare posing in front of some pretty looking trees. The stallion looked like he was happy. The mare probably would've too if there wasn’t a burned-out hole where her head used to be.
Her eyes were open wide, and she could see clearly. She felt something warm against her back, warmer than the blankets. Whatever it was flinched, sending a frightened shiver down her spine. She craned her neck and saw another neck, and a face attached to it. For a moment, she was alarmed. For a moment, she forgot, but then she remembered. It was too early in the morning for her to recall everything, but she knew enough to know that she had to get up.
With the speed of a snail and the grace of a drunkard, she pulled herself out of the bed and onto the floor. She took a few steps out on the cold tiles, keeping on the tips of her hooves. Everything other than that bed might as well have been a blizzard. Shivering, she scanned the house, looking for something to warm her up. The shower seemed to fit the bill.
In a few moments, she had the hot water running and gratefully stepped under the watery barrage. Though she felt numb, the shower felt the same as it always did. It wasn’t comforting, it wasn’t annoying, but it woke her up. She reached for the soap and rubbed herself down the suds. She scrubbed especially hard around her rear. For some reason, it was sticky down there.
When she was relatively clean and out of the shower, she chanced a glance at herself in the mirror and saw a familiar face. Rainbow Dash’s mane looked like it had gone through a blender. In fact, it had probably pulled her face with it. A noise from the other room broke her train of thought. She poked her head out the door frame and was met with another set of eyes. This time, there wasn’t a mirror.
“What are you doing over there?” the stallion said, his voice muffled.
“Oh, screw off.”
“What did you say to me?” he asked, an angry grimace crossing his already ugly face.
“You heard me.”
Still in a fit of rage, the stallion stomped up to Dash, not stopping until they were muzzle to muzzle. His breath came heavily, the heat of it blowing onto her neck like a furnace. Rainbow, for her part, didn’t flinch.
“Now look here missy. I’m not going to have some two-bit tramp tell me to screw off, you got that? You don’t get to tell me what to do.”
“Well so far you don’t seem to be doing much to resist. I told you to screw off, you got pissed off. Either way works for me.”
“You know, you’ve really got quite a mouth there,” he said through gritted teeth, shoving her against the wall for emphasis. “Maybe this’ll shut you up.”
Rainbow closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them she was greeted with a close up view of the ugliest face in Equestria, and an extra tongue in her mouth. His lips tasted like rotting fruit, and Dash fought the sudden urge to vomit. She strained her hooves, but couldn’t unpin them from the wall. The stallion pushed harder against her, crushing her wings against the hardwood.
In a last-ditch effort to free herself, she kicked out wildly and blindly, quickly scoring a few hits. The intruder groaned as he struggled to regain his composure, and Dash took the opportunity to run back into the bathroom. She put her back to the door as hooves began to rain on it from the other side. The door shook violently, but weathered the storm.
“Would you mind quieting down a little?” Rainbow asked sarcastically, locking the door as she braced it. “I’m trying to freshen up in here.”
“You don’t need to freshen shit. Get out here!”
Dash didn’t dignify the cur with a response. She spit into the sink and rinsed her mouth out under the running water, which did little to get rid of the aftertaste.
“Oh, are you too good for me now, little miss proper? Need to go powder your muzzle and whatnot?”
Dash rolled her eyes, lifting her head out of the sink. “You know, I don’t need to take any of your crap.”
Rainbow heard a muffled laugh from the other side. “Funny, that’s not what you said last night. I seem to recall you taking a lot of things without all this complaining.”
“Things are easy to take when they’re small.”
With a roar, the beast pounded at the door again. It broke the first lock, leaving only the chain lock between the two of them. Dash eyed the door uneasily. She didn’t want anything to do with the hungover wretch on the other side of that door. It was time to bust out.
“I can wait all morning, you know.”
Hurriedly scanning the room, she found a window—just what she needed. She jumped up onto the toilet seat and gave it a push. Nothing. She leaned in, putting all of her body weight behind it. Still nothing.
“What do you think you’re doing in there? You’ve got to come out here sooner or later.”
“Think again, dumbass.” Rainbow jumped down from the toilet and looked for something solid, but she was rebuffed. The most solid thing in the room was a cake of soap.
“Wow, you’re not just a slut. You’re dumb too.”
There were a million reasons to break down the door and hit him, and none not to. It had been a while since she’d wanted anything that bad, but she contained herself. For no reason whatsoever, she contained herself. Flapping her wings a few times to get airborne, she faced the locked door.
“At least I’m smart enough to get out of this room,” she said, grinning as she bucked the glass. There was a loud shattering noise, followed by the clinking of glass shards on linoleum. The silence that followed didn’t last for long, as the stallion’s raspy voice chased it like cider chasing a shot.
“Get back here you whore!” The words echoed through the empty bathroom, but there was no one left to hear them.
Halfway across town, a blue mare shuffled along, weary and alone. The sun hadn’t yet touched the horizon, leaving her surroundings in a hazy twilight. It was as peaceful as it was exhausting, and she didn’t care. She just shuffled along, heading home. With each step she kept her weight off her front-right hoof, careful to keep it out of the dirt. With each step she left a drop of blood from the gash in it, leaving a trail to mark her slow progress.
She could’ve started flying a while ago, and it wasn’t as if she’d forgotten. Something was keeping her down, and though it was her choice, she couldn’t fight it. With her good hoof, she kicked up some dirt. She looked down as the cloud settled, watching as the dust and dirt settled on her coat. Not that she could get any dirtier.
She grew tired of dirt, she looked up to the sky. The air was dry but cool, with a soothing zephyr. She could fly up there, free to be happy, but she chose to wallow in her sorrow. She could take the weight off her hoof, but then she wouldn’t be able to feel it. All she could feel now was pain, but it was better than nothing. A bum hoof could still take to the peak, and a sore flank could slide her down to the bottom. She lived for the peaks and dreaded the valleys, and every day the peaks were fewer and farther between.
She couldn’t stop nor turn around. If she did, she’d have to climb right back up those older mountains, without energy or youth. There was no choice or decision to be made. All she could do was keep walking, keep talking, and never learn a thing.
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That cover pic... I don't know what it is, but it's disgusting.
I'm so glad to finally see this in action!
Let's see where it goes!
~Dash The Stampede
4420491
It's a riverbed after a dry spell. Like this. It's one of my many creative uses of microsoft powerpoint to edit pictures.
4420594 hmm... Now that I think about it, that makes sense. Good thought!
This fic has so many hidden meanings that I cannot even begin to fathom.
Wow... Just read it. I will never look at a clop the same way. Although, I prefer having the feels, it's still kinda depressing.
Well now, this is depressing, and yet I cannot help but find myself intrigued as to where this is going.
As long as this keeps from any explicit sex scenes, you can expect my continued readership. Good work!
4420774
Thanks! That's what I love about art. I as an author can try my hardest to make a story about one thing, but based on the life experiences of someone else, they will see even more than I thought I put in. It makes me all warm and tingly inside, even if this story is all dark and cold and stuff
4421324
*username is jack mahoff*
*doesn't want to jack off*
And don't worry, I don't write clop. I'm under 18 and all that jazz.
4421037
Unfortunately, it's not going to. It was meant to be a one-shot, but I forgot to mark it as complete (which I have a habit of doing).
4422104
Very,very depressing, then. Oh well. It would have been interesting to see how, precisely, Dash reached this self-destructive state, and if her friends knew anything about it, but que sera, sera.
Does not feel like it's about Rainbow Dash. Does not even feel like it's about ponies. It's a sad story, yes, and rather skillfully written at that, but it's hardly in-character and hardly has a chance to establish itself in such a low word count.
Ya know, it's a shame, but you just can't use the words cur and wretch anymore without sounding like a douche-bag. This fact is compounded when you use such old-timey words in a story like this, they just don't go well together. Anyway, I found the "screw yourself" line to be very ridiculous. There was no reason for her to say such a thing in that situation. It was unbelievably hostile and was obviously put in as the spark to start the story's climax. Damn near No one would say that in that situation and would have probably just left.
Sooo... Is this going somewhere? It's marked complete, but it sure doesn't feel complete.
4422859
Clop doesn't feel like it's about ponies either, and that doesn't stop people from writing that either. I do see your point with the low word count, though.
4423901
Who would've left? Rainbow Dash? Based on the situation I painted, I don't see her leaving so easily. I'm also not convinced about that word choice critique. You're saying that because the theme of my story is raw and a bit simplistic, that I have to use raw and simplistic wording. You know, normally I like criticism, and I don't go out there with a "you're wrong about everything" attitude, but calling me a douchebag over my word choice is a bit out there, and I think I deserve an apology.
4423980
Neither is Rainbow Dash's self-destructive habit.
It fits.
4424736
That was the point of the story. I'd be lying if I said it did it intentionally (It must have been my subconscious being clever when my brain was being dumb), but the reason the story doesn't "end" is because Rainbow's addition is cyclical. Though I have to be a bit honest with myself in this respect: the story should've had more of an ending. The cyclical thing, as much as it works, is still lazy writing, and I could've done more with the ending. If the story had multiple chapters, it would be a perfect chapter end, but it doesn't,
4424773
Who am I to argue with the author, no?
While more could have been done with it, to be true, I feel like this was a valid ending. Perhaps not the most amazingly executed, but when I read over it that was the feeling that I personally got: a literal symbolism of sorts in the open-ended nature of the story.
4424773
I'll be honest, I disagree. This story was a good, quick read, and it was written well. The way it is works, for me at least, and I feel as though adding more to the story would over saturate it, and take away what gives the story its power. I know people who have suffered from this little problem, and they'll be the first to tell you that it doesn't end. To continue on this story would either become repetitive, or give an overly optimistic representation of what really happens. Perhaps certain authors would opt to drag this concept out, and if you were planning on it being a long, multiple tens of thousands of words long story about Rainbow Dash's recovery, then it could work, but as a short one shot, it works as is. That's my opinion at least.
The title's a bit shabby, in my opinion. 'Clop' is really just a term that this fandom uses to describe MLP R34; it isn't a proper term. The story itself was brilliant. The characterisation was beautiful; the guy didn't need a name, yet he became a great, three dimensional character. I'm pleased with your decision to not continue the story-it doesn't need an ending.
This is a great story.
4.5/5
4424674
I think you have to go back and re-read my wording, I wasn't calling you a douche-bag, just making the observation that those words, in general, are hard to use today without sounding pretentious, or, in other terms like a douche-bag. The fact that this story was written in the tight third person perspective of Rainbow Dash meant that the language choice should have fit with her thought process somewhat, like using asshole and bastard instead of cur and wretch, which I can hardly see Rainbow Dash knowing, let alone using in even thought. On a bit of a side note, the language used here would fit well with a story following Princess Luna.
As for the situation you put Dash in that I think she responded to unrealistically, lets go over it a bit. So, she gets drunk, willingly goes home with some ugly guy to have sex at his house, wakes up and uses his shower, and then tells him to screw himself when he asks a simple, if not slightly suggestive question. Unless she feared she had been drugged or if anything that had happened the night prior was forced upon her, then her response was overtly hostile and appeared to be there to to initiate the conflict.
I feel that you could remedy both the low word count problem and this scene by slowing things down. Put more dialogue between the two that shows a slow but steady escalation in anger that ends with Rainbow Dash saying "go screw yourself" in response to something actually insulting that he said. If this is done, all the stuff that followed wouldn't feel so forced. Here's a rough example:
"What are you doing over there? Come back to bed."
"Ahh, no way in Tartarus. I'm just gonna leave."
"What, you too good for me now, is that it? You didn't seem to think that last night"
"Dude, I was drunk last night."
"Yeah, I'm sure that's it and not that you're just a slut."
"Go screw yourself!"
4423980 True. But it doesn't look like its going anywhere, after this.
Hmm.
Story's pretty alright, nice little snapshot into a destructive cycle which, given fanon interpretation of RD, seems totally feesible. Fairly original concept, and not a ton of room for error given the length.
I do agree with some of the sentiments which have appeared in the comments, though, which essentially boil down to "well that escalated quickly." Rainbow's "screw you" response seems a little out of left field, especially if she went home with this guy the night before. Maybe as an expression of anger she feels at herself directed outward it would make sense, but she seems totally capable of punishing herself based on her unwillingness to fly later, so that theory is a little far-fetched. Also, the guy with the hangover, after being insulted only twice, tries to rape her. Jesus, what kind of guys is she going home with? I mean, i suppose she was probably drunk, but that seems a little extreme. Everything just flew right off the handle way too quickly, without sufficient buildup. I'm not saying this story should be 6,000 words long or anything, but it needs a little more there to really get its message across.
Anyway, that's my two cents. Not a bad story by any means; I'm glad i read it. Execution could just use a little work.
Hope this helps!
4425434
That's how it came across. There was no reason to say douche-bag in the first place.
And as for the second thing about things being OOC, there's a few details you're missing in the story. This is not a one-time thing where she was just drunk. It's stated that this is something she has been doing every night for a long time. It's an addiction and she's acting like an addict. I don't know if you know any druggies, but they act the exact same way if you try to confront them about it.
4426686
That's accurate. What I was trying to get across - and seemingly failed to do - was that all of the escalation was Rainbow's fault. She's overreacting to every little problem, whether it be how cold the floor is or the stallion not acting the way she wanted him to. I also thought I made it clear in the last section that it's Rainbow screwing up, not the stallion. He's just hung over and hearing a mare scream at him for no reason, and considering the burned picture line, probably a bit unstable due to a past problem with romance. The whole thing escalates quickly because Rainbow makes it. She's pissed off with herself, feeling hopeless about her life, and needs something to direct her anger at.
Interesting story....definitely a darker take on things - which is refreshing. Well done.
My problem with this story is that I can't tell what it's supposed to be conveying. The last part of the story makes it sound like it's talking about someone else since it only refers to Dash as a 'blue mare' (not even a blue pegasus mare) and the large time difference from the section immediately prior.
Additionally, it doesn't fit my personal view of Dash (so I see it as being OOC), but I can't properly expect someone else's story to match my view of characters.
4430226
I omitted her name in the last section intentionally to illustrate her detached state of mind. I did the same thing at the beginning of the story too. As for the OOC thing, I'm getting that comment a lot, and I don't agree with it. She's no more OOC than she is in a clopfic, and considering that this is a parody of those, I don't think this is too outlandish. This isn't regular Dash, but a depiction of her if she lived out clop fics every night. Maybe the title didn't make that obvious enough.
4431252 Well, I was only saying that she was OOC to me personally, not necessarily OOC in general.
Also, the Dark tag kind of makes it difficult to view as a parody since parodies are usually light-hearted/humorous. They don't have to be, but they usually are.
This.
Was.
Amazing!!!!!
You could be a pro writer!! Like seriously that's how good this was!!! Very discriptive, told us her feelings, and like how she was doing and oh my goodness it was just great! Loved it ^.^
HOW COULD YOU MAKE MY LITTLE DASHIE A WHORSE !!!!!!!!!!!!