All the up and comers in Ponyville are just absolutely up in arms about being invited to the supposed utopia at the bottom of the sea. Well, everypony but Sweetie Belle of course. The whole process of having to leave her home on dry land to move to the bottom of the ocean to a city resting on the sea floor is a bit unsettling for her, but she really has no say in the matter. To Rarity its a great opportunity to experience something completely unknown and absolutely outstanding. So, Sweetie Belle is going along for the ride.
Chapters (4)
Interesting premise, but a couple of things to note: first, break up your paragraphs! That first one was huge and it looked like you could have broken that up into several parts with no I'll effects.
Second, you had a few instances of needing apostrophes to show possessiveness.
Lastly, in the paragraph when Dr. Moriarty was speaking with the teacher, you kept using her name over and over again. That comes off as dull. A few synonyms would work well like, "the scientist" or "the guest lecturer".
Such variety helps to hold your readers' interest.
Having someone proof read before you post a story--even if they're not an editor--helps to catch any mistakes you make. As an artist, I can tell you that when you look at something long enough that you're making, any mistakes just regerster in your brain as, "Its suppose to be that way..."
Hope this helps. Keep up the good work!
4208341 If you wouldn't mind, would you care to proofread each chapter before I publish them. My current proofreader can't really distinguish when a sentence needs corrections or not.
I may be getting ahead (Or possibly behind) here, but why is Sweetie Belle coming to live with Rarity? Was there a horrible mayonnaise accident and their parents died, or am I missing something?
4209145 naw, nothing horrible like that. In the stories universe Sweeite Belle was already living with Rarity, they were just invited to join the society of Rapture, and due Rarity accepting Sweetie Belle had no choice but to go along with it.
4208826 I'm by no means an editor, but I'm glad to help out to the best of my ability. Just PM me a message and I'll reply with my e-mail.
4210492 Alright, will do.
Would you kindly write some more?
4212643 I suddenly have the strangest urge to write some more.
I'd quite like to see how you'll represent the Big Daddies in this
4233338 we shall see
What is gonna happen to Sweetie Belle after Rarity gone dead if the Adam slug was implanted in Sweetie Belle's tummy and where are they going next?
Interesting, have you played the burial at sea dlc for Bioshock inifinite? I remember there was a lot of plotline for the time this story is set around.
But if you didn't then the differences in this story to the game and dlc will be a bunch of "Constants and Variables".
4283660 Yeah, played the dlc to Infinite. It was what gave me inspiration to write this story. And it is set in a different universe, i had a lot of elements from the games, but others were new and different.