The two hundredth and eighty third writer
In the magical land of Equestria, technology is not a very prevalent thing. Why modernize when a unicorn can do just about anything with magic, why engineer vehicles when pegasi can fly, and earth ponies can run everywhere.
Why try to find a better way?... For a unicorn named Binary Steel the question is, why not?
Rated T for some dark scenes. (this story fluctuates from funny to serious)
(First chapter does not include main six, and focuses on introducing, Binary)
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Having an OC as the cover may not have been the best thing to do, but at least it doesn't look as bad as the other ones.
Eh, I'll take a gander at this.
I'm pointing out the negatives right now so the positives can heal the blow at the end.
You overuse the word "then" quite a lot in this story. I suggest using it significantly less and rewriting the sentence so it doesn't require the word. Your pacing is a bit fast and although bold headings aren't necessary, they are a nice thing to have when doing time skips.
The positives are that this isn't horribly written. This is pretty good grammar wise and it grabs my attention. This premise is intriguing but until you continue, I find very little reason to read this story.
Always keep on writing and improving!
Never did like diamond tiara or silver spoon. Cant wait for next chapter.
Well, you fixed the first grammar problem. That's a good start.
However, you use commas all over the place, especially in places that result in the most incorrect pauses. Your sentences and your descriptions are a bit short and could be more flowing, but it's still readable.
Again, please get an editor to go through this. This has some potential, but the errors are not pretty.
*takes a deep breath*
damnit, I'm going to keep reading this even if the hazardous awkward levels kill me.
*slowly counts to thirty*
I really like this as an opener! It's interesting and Binary is a neat OC. A few things might help the formatting, such as adding some bolding to the time-skip sections, not making overt reference to the show (it takes the reader out of the story), and you shouldn't include the actual word "sob" in someone's dialogue. Try this:
However, I really like this. It's cute and sad and has really caught my interest! I'm working on a robot-themed story as well, so this kind of thing is right up my alley. You can check it out if you so desire, but no pressure if not. I'll look forward to continuing this story in the next few days as I find the time.
Interesting continuation of the story you have here. Kinda sets up Binary as the asocial, misunderstood genius. It's an interesting start to the main part of the story.
On the downside, I'll say that I'm distracted by the quotes. Not the dialogue, the quotations. See, they should end with a comma if they don't end a sentence, as in:
Or, if the quote ends the sentence, then it needs a punctuation mark just like normal inside the quotation mark:
Minor thing, but worth fixing.
Ha! Okay, that wasn't bad.
I wonder, if she uses shavings from her horn, do unicorn horns grow back? And, on that note, why would Binary have left the tip of her horn on the ground if it could be used to power more inventions?
Still, you've got a good bit of characterization going on, though I think it is a little odd that Binary is able to pick up on the fact that Twilight thinks she might be crazy, but somehow not perceptive enough to realize that she should explain what Chip is rather than have Twilight keep thinking he's imaginary.
Very interesting chapter. The imaginative things Binary has and her general philosophy really shine through as well as her own behavioral quirks slowly changing. It also shows how Chip's experience might be changing him and not for the better, so you've done a good job preserving the tension of the story. Nice work!
Still, this could use some proofing. A few minor suggestions:
-"Ponyville" should always be capitalized. It's a proper noun, a place name, so it always gets a capital P.
-"road" not "rode." The first is a path or street, the other is the past tense of "ride."
I'll see you next chapter!
Oh man, this is getting better and better and in a surprising direction I did not see coming! The typos still bother me a bit, but the extra time with Binary and the time spent on her interactions with the other main characters (the Apple family in particular) are fantastic. I do think Rarity's reaction was more than a bit too harsh considering the time she spent trying to help Binary (however wasted it was), but that's my only real complaint.
I really enjoyed this chapter and I'm interested in seeing where it goes as our creepy orange "friend" makes his move.
I really thought Uno had murdered her for a sec. Okay, this story is awesome. It has problems, but it has gotten progressively better and the tension is decidedly strong. The genuine pathos and the creepiness of our antagonist and how he's exploiting both Chip's dark side and his hatred for his own creator (which is hard to read, all things considered, but understandable when you realize you may have created a monster) has me intrigued. I'll be tracking this one.
Well, you're back! Been a long time!
Minor editing notes: you're missing some periods here and there and some of those "it's" should be the possessive "its" without the apostrophe.
I have mixed feelings about Binary and Chip relieving the tension between them. On one hand, it's actually very sweet. On the other hand, I really thought this was going to up the stakes after the last chapter and I'm wondering where this will go next. I suppose it will get worse before it really gets better, but we'll see.
I hope you get back into this. I'd really like to see this story follow through to the end.
6644551 I appreciate the feedback. It's people like you who take the time to comment that makes the whole thing worth doing. On the subject of relieving the tension. That idea came from just how difficult it became to write dialogue and move things along with so much friction between the two characters. Not to spoil anything but consider this as more of a "calm before the storm" sort of thing
On the subject of grammar. I know there's a lot of problems. I've always considered myself better at characterization and dialogue than proper grammar. I appreciate the feedback and I promise I'll try harder.
On one last note, if the story seems like it's suddenly going in a different direction, it's because it is. My original plan for how things were going to play out changed dramatically during the time I wrote this chapter (hence the long hiatus) and it's been quite the headache inducing struggle trying to get everything to line up in a way that feels natural.
I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up, I might make a few more shorter ones just to keep it updated, but I fully intend to see it through to the end. Thanks again for the feedback, have a nice day/night.
6647495 You really have something here. I don't normally do this, but... would you like an editor? I think you might benefit from one, just as I did.
6648271 Hmm... I'm not sure. I know it would probably help the story, but I'm not really comfortable working with others especially over the internet. Maybe at some point, but not right now. I appreciate the offer though.
6650943 I can respect that. I was initially resistant to the idea as well, but I'm glad I changed my mind. Still, it's your decision and I wish you the best of luck.
...why do I get flashbacks of Five Nights at Freddy's, when Freddy's lurking outside your door playing the Troubador Song from Carmen when your power's run out?
Poor Binary... even when she catches a break, she can't catch a break!
Hope she enjoys the party!
t is about to go down, isn't it?
...Who am I kidding, some major s
6929303 A rule from someone at Pixar regarding coincidences is "Coincidences to get characters into trouble are great; coincidences to get them out of it are cheating" I try to use that logic as much as I can, but I can remember a few times where I've forgotten it. I'm working on something a little different to kick off the next chapter. Lets just say, it's from a perspective you won't see coming.
Sorry it took me a while to catch back up on this.
My only major criticism of this chapter is, again, it needs some proofing. It's nothing terribly grating that affects readability, but there is a huge lack of periods, commas, and overall punctuation is very off. There are some capital errors too.
But, on the upside, this chapter has a lot of great character moments. Chip asserting his independence is nice, if a bit troubling, Binary's conflict between wanting to go while appreciating what she's gained from her stay in Ponyville, and our antagonist being extra creepy, with us gaining more insight into his thoughts.
Brrr! That's a great villain moment right there.
Anyway, sorry again it took me this long to catch up, and I look forward to the next one whenever it comes.
7397714 Sorry about the punctuation errors. Despite the time between chapters this one was a bit rushed. I just didn't want to go another month or two without adding anything and I knew that if I kept going over it, I would end up adding in things that would then need to be checked, which would lead to more things being added in. It's no excuse for the errors, but it is a contributing factor.
On the brighter side, this chapter marks the end of what I call "Phase One" of the story. Now, on to Phase 2!
I like this line, even though its probably an error
7423388 Um... you wouldn't mind telling me where that is, would you? I've been looking around so I can fix it, but I can't seem to find it.
7428122
should probaly become
It shows promise, but the prose feels a bit too beige.
Sorry it took me a while to catch up to this. I must say, it feels a bit odd to be away from Ponyville after all this time. And, in a way, it sort of feels like the tension between Chip and Binary has died down some from previous chapters.
Still, Binary is well characterized as always, Page Turner and Max Productions are both interesting new characters and I'm interested to see where this will go next.
See you next time!
I rather enjoyed this little "fake out." Just the same though, if you're feeling the writer's block, you should try writing a new story just for fun. Might get you back in the mood. In any case, it was nice to see an update to this little story.