Striker Dimlight used to be a courier but hadn't been in the business for nearly three years, until today. He had been asked to deliver a message to an unknown pony in a bar he visited after exploring the Redblight wasteland. He now starts his adventure to deliver his new possession and to find the pony that he had been told had to retrieve it. On this quest he will find new friends and enemies, even some he would never think to to meet.
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This looks highly interesting!
Please tell me how you got a cover image, please?
Spacing is good, it pleases my eyes. At least at the start. Later on it gets a bit... fragmented, but its a dialogue section, its always difficult for it not to seem fragmented. But I've seen worse, yours is still pretty good.
There are a few issues with capitalisation, e.g. the equestria (names of locations and of ponies should always be capitalized. That's important for the reader to know if a character is doing something. Stupid ponies names1) in the first paragraph and a few missing spaces later on, combined with the missing capitalisation after a full stop. If you use your browser's spellchecker in your edit-screen, most of these mistakes will be marked. Since I don't see grammar errors that compromise the readability, that's the only thing you have to worry about.
There are also a few time shifts, usually when your character is telling us what he's thinking. You should stick to the past tense until you're quoting your characters thoughts (uh, I'm not sure if that's clear.) If you do so, make them italic, just for the future.
It's a good and interesting story. I'll definitely follow it's progress. Have a like and a fav and keep on writing. There're never enough FoE stories.
In case our harbingers haven't done this yet, I welcome you to the world of Fallout Equestria. If you want your story to become more known, I would recommend you to join the FoE groups and post your story into the story folders.
Here are the links:
Fallout Equestria Group
Fallout Equestria related fics
There're many nice and kind people who will be at hand with help and advice.
4250081 I'm glad you are interested in it. :D
4250147 Are you asking me how I added a cover image? Or are you asking me where I got it? I made it myself.
4250252 I was trying harder in the first chapters... I kinda got carried away in trying to put more detail into the later ones and I guess I started to get worse with capitalization and grammar as time went on. For the thoughts thing, I don't completely know what you are talking about with the italics. Still, thanks for pointing these out to me and thank you for welcoming me. :D
4250340 How do you make it?
4250252 Fancy meeting you here, Tetra.
4250340
I'll be using a piece of my own story as a example: (I hope that's not too arrogant)
The crucial points are bold
The first one is a thought that is told by the character, so it's basicly like a piece of the narration. It's too detailed to be a real thought, the character tells the readers what she thinks. Therefor it is written like a normal piece of text.
The second one is a thought the character could've had this very moment. So it's like a piece of dialogue, like quoting what the character said to herself. But since I don't like the use of inverted commas in my text, I made them italic.
Just: Telling what your character thinks <-> your character's exact thoughts
Basicly it's just a personal preference, to point out those differences. You don't have to do that (to be honest I haven't seen anyone doing this ever.)
You may just ignore this comment, just me being a bit silly. I'm not even sure if what I told you makes sense to anyone but me.
4250361
I have my eyes everywhere, just like the government or those nine-eyed leeches...
4250447 New chapter of my story is out. Also, you`re like the government?
*Quickly starts deleting all porn on hard drive*
4250438 That makes sense to me :D
I'll try to use that.
4250469 Idk if others are suppose to comment here like this is a chat or something, but I would prefer if comments were somewhat related to the story or talking to others about the story (not trying to sound rude...)
I fixed a bit in the first chapter, I hope it looks better now.
4253528 Chapter 2 now edited a little bit as well.
4253570 and now chapter 3 is done. if anyone sees anything, in any chapter, please feel free to tell me.
Whelp, here's Chapter 4 everyone :D
Hmm, the story has potential, the circumstances are original, if not vague. If you would allow/forgive me to play the critic/pre-reader here.
The first paragraph/the introduction of Striker, well, is kinda of (if not completely) unnecessary or used incorrectly. A introductory paragraph like should be used as a summary to set the setting of your story rather than your character. It's not very effective when you simply point out what you character is like or what his profession is, even if it is stated in your story description.
You say he minds his own business, then how about showing us that? What does he do when a pony is being robbed, help, walk along or rob them both? How about his opinions on the Stable Dweller? For example, have him overhear a conversation about the Stable Dweller's exploits, an apt opportunity to have him give his own insight, don't you say? How does he feel about killing? Show us! If you want us to know and get attached to your character, then try to show some of your character; people like to judge others by their actions rather than what they say?
Your story also starts too early in terms of pacing and plot. I can see what you're trying to do here, setting the stage for the events to come, but really, it isn't necessary. If anything, I would just delete the first chapter altogether because it lacks action and/or suspense to make that stage set-up compelling to read, or seem to have any major characters that would play a role. In my story, I may have started off with setting the situation, but I enhanced the story by introducing some diverse characters and gunfights. Maybe just start the story with Striker on his job, then later gradually explain who, what, why, when, and how he ended up doing it in the first place? If there is no action, there is no interest. And for a first chapter, it's imperative to be interesting.
The dialogue of this chapter is stretched and overused. There is a lot of empty chit-chat that we as readers do not really need to see. You need to convey more relevant information or jabs of character (Ex. Jokes, comments, opinions, reactions) to make the dialogue interesting to read.
The way you describe the setting and character just doesn't jump out. Try to use all your senses when describing a setting; give the description a more interactive model. And physical appearance is only half of describing characters, the other half in making assumptions from those details (saggy eyes and sweat-drenched mane implies as a heavy drinker).
Wow, this was a longer piece of feedback than I initially expected, but I do hope it helps you increase your knowledge and skill in writing!
I edited this like a hundred times after I finished it, I hope it is good.
And sorry for the long wait.
Your sentences start really often with "I" or "It". You should try to vary a bit at that, it makes the story much more pleasant to read.
There are a few plural words done wrong.
- tools = plural
- tool's = genitive singular
- tools' = genitive plural
(At least as far as I remember)
For the "thoughts in italics" thing: this struck my eye at the beginning of chapter 5. At the line "Oh, did I mention I don't like the dark?" That's a part you should do as a piece of the narrative, since this is nothing a normal person would think to him-/herself. Just remember that, the thoughts should stay natural.
Again, nice chapters