My Ex-coltfriend, Rolf

by Dr Atlas

Run Mares! Run Like the Wind

“Click to your heels Victor!”

Victor baahed and continued to gallop across the town, luckily everyone was asleep at the time, so no one could see a stallion and two mares on a cart full of trinkets being pulled by a goat while being chased by a vampony.

“Victor! To the woods!” Rolf yelled yanking on the rope that was connected to his horns.

AJ held on to her hat. “Ah don’t think the woods are ah good idea Rolf.”

“Hasn’t Rolf already explained this to the cow mare?” Rolf leaned in on Applejack. “The vampony’s tunnel vision will surely make her crash into the trees. Unlike bats, the batpony doesn't have sonar.”

Twilight poked her head out of the pile of objects. When Fluttershy was about to attack at her house, Rolf threw the mares into the wagon and yelled at Victor to run. Making their body's get buried beneath all of the things Rolf brought. “What makes you think she’ll crash into them?” She asked.

Rolf turned around and said. “Rolf knows the beast will concentrate more on her food then the obstacles that the trees will provide, it was a trick that Rolf used to take care of many-”

Applejack grabbed Rolf by the scruff of his overcoat. “Enough of your stories Rolf! We need tah-”

A loud screech interrupted the conversation. Everyone on the cart shielded their ears from the noise. Twilight looked behind them to see that Fluttershy was catching up. Her wings seemed longer than before. “JuSt SlOw DoWn! If that's okay with you.” The vampony screamed.

Rolf narrowed his eyes. “Applebucker, take the rope.” Before Applejack could react, Rolf tossed the rope to her hooves and, almost immediately, Victor went off course and started making his way out of town instead of the forest. Applejack started doing her best to steer, meanwhile, Rolf was too busy rummaging through his stuff to realize this. He was up to his torso of trash, looking for the right tool to deal with this over sized bat.

Twilight looked back and forth at Rolf and her vampony friend. “Rolf, what are you-”

“AH HA!” Rolf pulled out the exact thing he was looking for. It made Twilight gasp and Fluttershy only get more enraged than she already was.

A crossbow.

“Rolf! Don't-” Twilight tried to stop him, but Rolf shoved his hoof in her mouth.

“Do not stop Rolf all powerful one.” He held the crossbow and took aim. “Rolf must make this shot-”

Twilight grabbed the deadly device with her magic and pulled. “She’s still our friend Rolf.” Another screech came from Fluttershy, her red eyes were starting to glow, and she was getting closer then before. Twilight gave a weak smile. “Well...she’s somewhere in there.”

Rolf yanked his crossbow from Twilight magical grip. “When will the magic mare and the ten gallon hat wearer understand. The Fluttershy that you once knew is no longer with us!” He took aim at beast again, but before he could fire, a huge crash messed up his aim. making the arrow shoot into the air.

Applejack had steered victor through a fence and into an orchard. Her apple tree orchard. “What is this goats problem? Rolf will you take the...What the hay are ya doin’ with that!?” AJ immediately let go of the rope and tackled Rolf, making them land on the edge of the cart, with Rolf’s head hanging from it.

Twilight was about to help, but she realized the goat was without a driver, so, she took the rope and started steering. Applejack held the crossbow on Rolf throat, slightly choking him, and stared straight into his eyes. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna try to kill her now!”

“You will...doom us all...if you do not...let...Rolf….” Rolf started pulling the crossbow away from his throat and away from Applejack’s grip, but she started pulling it into the air.

“Let grrrh, go...of it, Rolf.” She yelled, her body started standing straight up, towering over Rolf. “She’s still….mah friend!”

Rolf continued not letting up. He pulled back, he then realized the more he did this, the closer his head was coming in contact with the dirt path. “Release the arrow launcher Applejack!”

AJ’s head was getting higher and higher into the air, while Rolf’s head was getting closer and closer to the ground, he was beginning to feel his blue mane skidding across the dirt. “Rolf!...I swear to Celestia….if you even try it...so help me….ah will-”

*WHAM*

The crossbow immediately smacked Rolf in the face, making him and a few of his things tumble into the dirt road, leaving the cart to go on driving. He groaned and started getting up on all fours, shaking his head and dusting his coat. He adjusted the collar of his coat to cover his neck and looked around. “ooooh...What in nana's grave happened?" He said to himself. "And what is with that mare and her misunderstanding of her friend? Does she not realize she is gone?” He walked over to his weapon and picked it up. “Either this mare’s brain has gone bad like nana’s six week old stew, or she really cares about that shy one.”

He then noticed that, out of all the things that he brought with him, his lantern fell out when he made his spill. He grabbed it and turned the switch, bringing it to life and brightening up the dark night. “Why can she not accept it?” He sat down and laid the lantern on the ground, holding the crossbow in his hooves. He knew that he was alone, and that the vampony would be coming, so, instead of coming for her, he waited for the bat mare to come to him. “I know your prey snatching ways vampony, you strike on the weak and helpless, well come on bat mare!” He held the crossbow tighter to his chest. “Rolf is very helpless…” He looked around, trying to find a hint of a batwing or a long pink ruffled tail. He grabbed hold of the lantern and held it in the air, trying to get a good look. “Come now fanged one! Let us end this so Rolf can get home!”

“Is that what you care about?”

Rolf turned around and shined the lantern at a familiar orange mare, though she had no hat on. She covered the light with her arm. “Will ya put that out Rolfie boy.” She said.

Rolf turned the lanterns light down and placed it back on the ground. “Where did you come from farm mare?” Rolf asked.

“Ah regained my senses after ah got hit by that branch in the back of the head while we were fightin’.” She walked up to Rolf and narrowed her eyes “I lost a hat because of you, and ah may lose somthin’ else thats even more important because of you too.”

“Rolf does not see what is so important about a hat. Even he left his own hat at-”

“Ah could care less about mah hat Rolf!” Applejack yelled. Rolf flinch and held his weapon tighter to his chest. “What I’m talkin’ about is how you were tryin’ to kill mah friend.”

“The bat pony is not your-”

Rolf felt the sting of a slap to the face, he then fell to the ground and looked up at the now infuriated mare. Rolf saw the fire in her eyes. “Can’t ya just understand that thats not true! She is still mah friend no matter what she is!” Rolf wanted to look away, but it was as if AJ’s eyes were making him look at how serious she was being. “Ah don’t care what she is or what she did, she is still a friend, and I ain’t gonna hurt her no matter what happens, the least ah would do is make sure she won’t hurt anyone else.”

Rolf started getting on all fours. “What if she hurts you AJ. Will you try to put an end to her-”

Rolf then felt a sting of pain in his nose, this time the force of the punch made him land on his back. He held his nose and started feeling the blood pour from it. He weakly looked up to see that Applejack was now towering over him. She looked deep into his eyes. “Ah will never. Lay a hoof. On. That. Mare. The least that ah would do is defend mah self, but ah know that she would never-”

*CRASH*

Rolf could only catch a glimpse of what happened at that moment. Applejack was no longer towering over him, and in her place was a large, pink haired, vampony, but she wasn’t looking at him, she was looking at Applejack. Rolf craned his neck to see that AJ had crashed into a tree, and her back didn’t look to good. Fluttershy walked over Rolf and started making her way to the wounded mare. “Don't worry My MeAl I promise I won’t hurt you i’Ll JuSt KiLl YoU iNsTeAd.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Guys! You out there!” Twilight was able to get Victor trotting instead of galloping, but she couldn’t find Applejack or Rolf. She wasn’t sure when they got off, or why they did either, but she knew that it wasn’t good. “Where are they…”

Victor then came to a complete stop, causing Twilight to fall on his back and have her head get hit by one of Rolf’s things. Victor then Baahed and continued looking crossed eyed.

“Ugh...Victor...Why did you do that?” Twilight got off of Victor and looked at him, his eyes started turning to the side. “Rolf really needs to get your eyes checked. What are you even looking at?” She followed his eyes to see that there was a bottle on the ground. “Was that what hit me?” She picked it up with her magical grip and inspected it, turning it around, looking for some sort of label. Then on the side, in big bold letters, it said-

“Holy Water?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Applejack groaned in pain as she leaned on the tree, though that just made her back worse, she could swear it felt like it was broken. She tried looking up but her vision was blurred. What was it that hit her? If felt like she got hit by a dozen cattle. He eyes started to get clearer as she got a picture of what was in front of her. She started to panic. She realized it was Fluttershy who knocked her into the tree, and she put so much force into her tackle that she practically broke AJ's back, or at least it felt like her back broke, it hit the tree hard enough to make her immobile.

Applejack weakly held up a hoof. “Shy...Come on now girl….” Fluttershy started coming closer and closer to her, it was like she was taking her time with AJ. “Shy….I know….you won’t do this….you...you can't do this…” Fluttershy just continued walking to her, her mouth was watering and Applejack could swear that a smile was starting to spread across her.

“Oh AJ. Don’t you know that I CaN dO tHiS!” Fluttershy’s shadow was starting to loom over Applejack.

“Fluttershy….listen to me….we're...friends….don’t you remember?” Applejack was doing her best to give a smile, but Fluttershy’s smile was making hers start to diminish.

“Don’t worry My MeAl, I know we're FrIeNdS, which makes it all the better.” Fluttershy’s body was now hovering over Applejack’s.

AJ was so scared at that point that she tried to make a run for it, only for her to fall and land on her side. She tried crawling but Fluttershy pounced on her. She shrieked and tried to struggle, but it was as if Fluttershy’s new form was making her stronger as well.

Fluttershy had a hoof on Applejack's face and another on her shoulder. Her mouth was starting to drool and her fangs were getting closer and closer to Applejack’s neck, and Applejack could see the entire thing. “Fluttershy! Don’t do this! W-we're friends….and friends don’t-”

Fluttershy glided her tongue across her teeth. “What makes you think FrIeNdS don’t do this AJ? We’re fRiEnDs and we’re doing this right now...ArEn't We?” Applejack could only look in horror as her friend was staring down on her with glowing red eyes and a face that told her that there was no hope for her to get out of this.

“Now just relax tHiS WiLl OnLy HuRt A lOt.” Fluttershy opened her mouth and plunged her teeth to Applejack's neck. AJ closed her eyes, not wanting to see her own friend kill her. She just wanted it to be ov-

"SLAHORN!"

Comments

[Mother3Forever]

"SLAHORN!"

I hope I'm not the only one half expecting him to pull out a "Smackeral"...

[ZeroChill]

4392747

The dueling fish!

Also, in the beginning, homonym error (heel instead of heal).

[ManWithThePan]

Ahah! Rolf was my #1 favorite Ed, Edd, n' Eddy character... He was so hilarious sometimes. #2 was Eddy. Because MONEY!!!

[Phoenixshoeoflight]

What happened to the real Fluttershy.

[leslie2000]

4392747 a fish duel is awsome!!.

[Hairy Konquerer]

4392747
It would've been hilarious if the last chapter began with the aftermath of Rolf clubbing Fluttershy over the head with a rock. Rock breaks rock, but rocks makes Batpony unconscious and gives her a severe concussion.