Holes between demensions take form within Equestria, as a massive leak of magic seems to seep out of their kingdom. Princess Celestia is curious about a certain demension that she wishes to keep open, and not to seal up. Beings known as humans made her, along with the rest of the ponies, curious about these new beings and their world.
So the story now takes place within the city of Manehattan, as I seek a better educational opportunity within it. I come across a certain pony however, an earth pony who calls herself Roseluck within my first class. She runs her own flower shop within the city now, after she decided to start a store within our world. I am quite fond of the new changes ever since that event took place, and I have to say that life seems even more enjoyable. From a small town in Georgia after living there for years and workIng there, i decide to pursue my own path.
(This story is addressed to readers in 1st person)
Interesting I'm putting it in my read it later.
4168364 Thanks for the feedback, i may not be an AMAZING author on my stories, but that's what makes each one of us writers unique, is how our writing style is. But again thanks
Awww.
4200570 Indeed, i like the character Roseluck, she needs more love from the fandom, lol. I like her character very much in fact, her color scheme, all sorts of things.
Having read through this, here are my thoughts:
I get a sense of it having a lot of potential, that I don't think it quite lives up to. I'd be interested in seeing more of how Equestrians an humans interact, both at the individual level of the specific characters and in terms of how the different sides interact as nations. I think there's some decent characterization, however I also found the characters themselves kinda limited. With the possible exception of Rose, all the characters seem to really only have one major trait which while decently handled results in them seeming kinda oversimplified and lacking depth.
There were also some things I found problematically odd. I can't remember them all off the top of my head but two that come to mind are: why are ponies calling Manhattan 'Manehattan'? Manehattan is a city in Equestria, wouldn't calling them the same thing make things needlessly confusing? If it's a city on Earth, even if it's a hotspot of Equestrian immegration, why are there so few humans? Even if the city is mostly populated by Equestrians at this point, shouldn't there still be a significant number of humans around, and thus a few other human characters?
So yes, these are my thoughts. They're fairly critical, but I tried to make them constructive. I hope they weren't discouraging.
4382563 No, they weren't discouraging, thanks for the feedback. As far as some of your questions are concerned:
1. I will be having more human characters come into play within the story further down the road, which might involve former friends or even family to an extent, i don't know yet. (currently real busy with life right now.)
2. Their aren't fewer humans than ponies within the city, I apoligize if it seems to be that way within the story, but i'm just shining the spotlight on the equine presence within the city and so forth in other areas as well.
3. The story will eventually come to a good consensus of everything, if it seems cloudy or a bit confusing at points, i am sorry. Another reason why i haven't explained so much is that i also like to leave thoughts, canon, and ideas to the readers for their own enjoyment.
Overall though i appreciate your friendly constructive criticism....certainly alot better at it thgan many others i have seen, lol.
4415692
I have what I feel can be a blunt way of delivering criticism at times, so if nothing else I like to cover my bases.
1 & 2: I'll comment on both of these at once since they're related.
One thing about writing, is that on some level what isn't shown the reader doesn't exist. That is to say that if we don't see any humans in the story, humans do not exist or are at least kept hidden. What would be needed, I think, is more human side characters, one-off characters or even cameos. So, throw in a couple human students causing a racket in the background, have a character talking to a human professor in the background of a scene, or even something like having the chef in that one restaurant come out of the kitchen for a bit. Something to really demonstrate the idea of humans and Equestrians coexisting, rather than just Equestrians living in human-build spaces.
3: I get that, and too I am a fan of that approach, however I found a few things that either came across as weak or simply didn't make sense given the context of the story. There were a few things that I think would have to be justified for the story to work, instead of simply being open to interpretation.
Yeah, life can get in the way. No rush, I just spotted some things I thought could be improved, and figured I'd bring them to your attention. I'd probably want to know about this kind of thing if someone found it in one of my stories.
4429757 Thanks for this feedback, this will help me in the future i am sure of it. I get what you're saying, provide more life ot it in a sort, right? I gotcha...but yeah, i haven't been able to get to my story in quite some time. But i finished chapter nine, and it will be uploaded in hopefully not too long. Thank you for this stuff here, i still hope you enjoy any other stories or things i have to offer to you. One thing however for what makes each writer unique is their writing style.. I have my writing style, and many many others have theirs, which makes them their own writer of sorts, same applies to you. I see what you mean though, and i appreciate your time on this, thank you my good sir.
