• Member Since 17th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 10th, 2018

CybertronPrincess


T

A pony called Harmony Spark has revived King Sombra from the dead and she attempts to befriend and possibly reform him. But Harmony finds out that there is more to him than meets the eye.. She fears something... Or someone, is controlling him. So, Harmony Is willing to help the stallion to enlightenment. But maybe, just maybe, she might get a feeling she never had before...

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 16 )

I'm not saying that Harmony is a Mary Sue. I highly doubt it. But I don't think there's any real reason for her to be an alicorn.

I don't think you need to rework her from the ground up, but maybe make her just a unicorn unusually gifted in the art of healing spells. Aura as a name, perhaps?

Just a thought. Because the premise is interesting, and your grammar is good. Just tweak the OC a bit, because people are going to have problems with it.

OK, one thing to say, I love it so far. The way you describe Sombra's rage in how he is going to be reformed and become a citizen is amazing, keep up the writing. :rainbowlaugh:

Great! Glad you liked it! I'll work on the latest chapter an it'll be ready by Monday. I love writing so that's a bonus :pinkiehappy:

4129489 I'm already friends with her on the MLP forums so I came over here to show my support for her work.

What you're suggesting is basically the struggle of the character itself in her backstory. Should she try to be like everyone else to be liked, or be her true self and take the hate. Why should she have to conform to everyone else's standards of what's good or not? Alicorn OC bias is just going to deprive people of what could be an amazing story if they just dislike it the moment it comes up. I'm glad I don't have that or I could have missed this story.

I found her character interesting enough it inspired me to wrote my own short fic about her getting captured by some pony traffickers(inspired by those guys from Daring Don't) and using only her wits to escape since her magic was sealed.

4147563 Hey there! Keep up the good work! I'm sure you can guess who I am, being that my name is the same here.

Tp

plz make more this a good story so far:eeyup:

This is beautiful! Keep it up and I'm going to point something I noticed out.

“Don’t worry, Sombra. We’ll take you to Ponyville Hospital and get that wound sorted. It won’t be far, Sombie.” Harmony asked

That is not a question, it is reassurance. But otherwise, an awesome chapter, keep it up!:derpytongue2:

Comment posted by CybertronPrincess deleted Apr 6th, 2014

4186832 Thank you for fixing that problem up for me, my over grammatical mind HATES little things like that. :twilightblush:

Comment posted by CybertronPrincess deleted Apr 29th, 2014

OHMYGODYES:twilightsmile: I've been waiting for this update for what sems like decades and you do not disappoint my friend, keep it up! :pinkiehappy:

What do you like most aobut my story so far? :raritystarry: is it my OC? I sit the way Sombra is portrayed? :pinkiesmile:

You may now be accused." Celestia added.

You probably meant 'excused' right :rainbowlaugh:

This is a horribly good story, very interesting. The only fault is that feels a little too fast paced.

And if Sombra somehow was, then

Um, was what? The sentence is a little broken here.

In fact, I noticed that quite a few sentences could be written better, so the story can properly flow. But you need not do a major re-write now, perhaps when the story is done and you have the time and interest, you could improve the chapters, add to them so their not quite so fast paced (I think part of the problem is that you give too much away too fast, like Sombra's condition, and hold too much back, like just who is Harmony?), and reword sentences so there is a flow to them, and believability.
The story is good, but the writing can always stand more improvements :raritywink:

Maybe this is good timing... Basically the reader is learning about Harmony as Sombra learns about her, it works. I still feel like the pacing is a little off, but I'm afraid I have little in the way of ideas to help you improve it :twilightblush:
Wooh, 2014, didn't realize this story was so old, hope you're well. Continue on when you have time, I look foreword to reading more :twilightsmile:

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