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Good day.
My name is Artemis, or Arty for short.

I used to live in a small cottage home in the middle of nowhere with my father. Used to anyways. Right now, I was sent to a magical world to be its’ “Champion” by Godly powers, given demi-god powers and tools, and started taking care of one of the resident natives not long after I arrived. It was quite unfortunate of what happened to her parents... so she's tagging along with me now... trying to find Our happy place in this new world. Our next target? There’s a rural town with an apple orchard not too far from where we are right now. I should be able to contact the leaders for this region from there.

The goddess of my namesake gave me instructions about what to do here and it seemed pretty simple enough; hunt the big baddies, so I'm hopping to leave my charge with someone that'll take care of her and let her gain some friends while I go do my new job.

Good day, everyone. This is just an idea that's been stewing around in my head for quite some time now, and after I played the new Assassins Creed Odyssey I decided to just post it. I don't know if I'll be able to finish it some day, so don't expect any weekly or even monthly updates, and for that I'm deeply sorry.

Chapters (2)

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Lord Despair

Lord Despair #1 · Dec 28th, 2018 · 2 · · Chapter 1: Ascension ·

sounds almost like one of the old chest game of the gods fics.. I miss that group of fics

Dapper Mutt

Dapper Mutt #2 · Dec 28th, 2018 · · · Prologue ·

As I read I had a few ideas on how I would tweak the prologue if I could. I know it’s not my story, so I want to stress that these are just suggestions and my thoughts as I read. I also do not claim to be a professional editor or even a good editor for that matter, but I hope my thoughts can help in some way.

She enters of the dimly lit church, and as she trots in deeper, she hears distant hymns of the past in honor of their goddess. As the calming, ghostly voices continue singing within her mind, and looks around her surroundings; the wooden chairs were now nothing more than piles of dirt, nearly completely covering the whole floor in blooming, green moss and white and red flowers, the stain-glass windows that once depicted their goddess and her deeds and feats were no longer present as they bring in cool, refreshing air, she could not see any of the metal craftmanship anymore as she suspects they have rusted away into fine dust, the shingles above have many small and large holes peppering the roof, and the smooth, stone walls, pillars and statues still stood strong, some only having minor chips and cracks, while a bit of moss grew between some of the greaves and on the statues.

I don’t see why ‘of’ is there.
She.
Craftsmanship

I realized after checking my comment before posting that this is a run-on sentence. While there is nothing technically wrong with that second sentence describing Celestia’s surroundings, I think it could use a few periods. It reminds me of newspapers from hundreds of years ago, where sentences would run on for a tenth of the page with an army of commas in each of them.

She steps up to the statue of an Alicorn, its’ paint having long since flacked away with age, as with the rest of the churchs’ blank, white walls.

Flacked or flaked? I looked up ‘flack’ and it means to publicize or promote someone or something. I think ‘flaked’ makes more sense.
-
Anyway, the perfect prologue! Prologues are like lunch and the story like dinner; you can usually get away with skipping over lunch, but you simply can’t skip dinner. This ‘lunch’ was short, but it served its purpose, and for that I congratulate you! Mmm, grilled cheese...

Dapper Mutt

Dapper Mutt #3 · Dec 29th, 2018 · · · Chapter 1: Ascension ·

I mean all the same things as I said on the prologue. These are all my thoughts and suggestions, but I’m not a professional or anything, so take my words with a grain of salt.

With my ‘just-got-up’ stretches done, I begin on my real stretching workout. After half and hour of starting on my legs, waist, chest, back, arms and finally my neck, I quickly get down on my hands and toes to start on my light exercises for roughly forty minutes. Now working up a bit of sweat, I turn and look ay my last obstacle before a cooling shower; a two-foot long metal pipe I bolted on just at the top of my doorframe. I walk over and with a little hop, I grip the bar and begin doing pull-ups for as many as I can.

An.
At.
Also - mah gawd, over an hour? I’m assuming she does this every day, too... That’s a lot of time to devote to physical performance. I’m impressed.

It’s time to stock-up on groceries again.

A) that’s an awesome line.
B) I don’t think you need the dash. I’d just leave it as “stock up.”

I go out into the short hall to my living and kitchen room and turn towards my kitchen. I cook up a quick breakfast of sausages, eggs and homemade bannock with cheese. Well, I say quick, but in all honesty the concept of ‘quick’ is relative around here. I chug down my orange juice and place the empty cup in my sink before turning towards the garage door placed on the wall between the living and kitchen rooms.

“Living and kitchen room” implies the living room and kitchen are two rooms in one. “Placed on the wall between the living and kitchen rooms” implies they are two. I think I know what you mean, though; two separate rooms but without a wall between them? Then a garage door between them?

I have used it to hunt birds, dear, and even fish, and have also used it to stave off testy predators.

~~And~~.
A Super-Duper Lucas-Tip for Future Reference:
I usually try to limit the word ‘and’ to be used only once or twice in a sentence. This here is okay as far as I’m concerned. I’m saying this for future reference. It’s a trick I picked up on somewhere that I can’t remember, and it just generally makes stuff sound better when reading it out loud or presenting. At least I think so. What do you think?

Given to my father as a surprise when my mother became pregnant with me, what a gift it was with how powerful it is with the type of bullets it uses, then gave it to me on his deathbed. I always have it with me whenever I go out just so I can reassure myself that I’m safe. I used it once when I was young, my whole arm became sore and my hand was aching in pain for the rest of the day right after. Poor dad was so apologetic he got me a puppy as a peace offering for insisting on having me fire his gun.

Given.
I have to say, this is an interesting character. Interesting memories are shared, and in them, we get a laugh and learn about which people in her life are with her and which aren’t. Reminds me of Scout’s narrations in To Kill a Mockingbird.

On a smaller tray beside the other is a pile of large bullets, roughly two dozen or so and so fare I only used five of them, two for target practice before my hand became sore, two to scare away a small pack of wolves, and one to take down a charging bear. When I skinned it, half the poor things’ cranium was just paste, part of its’ neck was shredded and one of its’ lungs collapsed, though its’ fur was very soft and warm and I gave the rest of the body to my fathers’ friend, whom was a butcher, I was already good on food then. Besides, I wanted to visit the bombastic, religious, jolly old man and thank him for looking after me on certain days when I was younger.

Far I’ve.
Also - mah gawd! At what angle could a single bullet do all that? The only way I can see that happening is if she was above the bear, in which case I have to ask what she was doing higher up than a bear. I guess I wouldn’t be surprised if she was swinging on the branches like Tarzan... And would this bombastic, religious, jolly old man happen to be similar to Gobber in How to Train Your Dragon?
I’m talking about this guy: (He comes in a little after 1:30 in the video.)

HTTYD 1 ''This is Berk'' HD

Jack, the ever-illusive stag with a scarred ear, the one dear I could never capture finally come out into the open, and after ten years of playing cat and mouse there’s no way in hell he’s getting away again.

Came.
... Oh, and go get ‘em!

I never really knew what he meant by that for the longest time, but I eventually figured it out after meeting my rival, Jack. I smile thankfully at the dear for pushing my limits whenever we encountered one another, to see which one could go far the longest. Sure, dears may be fast, but unlike many other animals on this world, humans can keep running for as long as we can, as long as our determination is there with us.

For.
Deer are the animals, dears are not.

The grip is now covered in marron red leather strap weaved into a great looking criss-csross pattern, and the Pater engraving is now made of shining gold, with the font being wavy but has that powerful look to it as well with its bold and thin parts. Over all, it is a weapon that needs to be handled with respect.

So, I can safely say this story involves divine intervention and promises action, where the level of general awesomeness of the main character sometimes gets out of control. Of course, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.
Despite finding spots that I would tweak along the way - many of which I’ve quoted here - I fully understood and enjoyed reading the first chapter of The Hunt. Thanks for writing.

Remember that on most computers ctrl + f lets you find certain paragraphs, lines, or just words faster. If you take any of my suggestions seriously and decide to take a closer look at the text, just use this command to find where it is with less pain.
-Lucas

Cyanjames2819

Cyanjames2819 #4 · Dec 30th, 2018 · · · Prologue ·

9372502
Big thanks, Lucas!

Cyanjames2819

Cyanjames2819 #5 · Dec 31st, 2018 · 1 · · Chapter 1: Ascension ·

9373030
Thanks a bunch for pointing out the errors, Lucas! That was a big help.

Both Prologue and Chapter 1 are now edited with a couple rephrasing here and there, and thank you for the review as well.

Until next time, have a nice day and night, and a happy New Year!

Failsafe99

Failsafe99 #6 · Jul 11th, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Ascension ·

Hello from 2019. All I ask is if this will ever continue, as the premise intrigues me.

Cyanjames2819

Cyanjames2819 #7 · Jul 12th, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Ascension ·

9725951
I have a part of it written, I'm just trying to figure out how to properly introduce her to the now wilder Equestria.

Failsafe99

Failsafe99 #8 · Jul 12th, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Ascension ·

9726503
One way, while overused, is to save a pony from harm. However, since Faust told Celestia she would find help, just have her come out near Canterlot, or even in the throne room. Then, have Faust make a one time appearence, stating this is the champion that had been found. Or, have her save Celestia, who is saving a pony. Then, she will be on her good side.

Cyanjames2819

Cyanjames2819 #9 · Jul 12th, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Ascension ·

9726911
I'll keep one of your suggestions in mind when I eventually write the rest of Chapter 2. I already planned on getting Art to save someone, just didn't know exactly how to execute it.

Thank you very much for the suggestions!

Failsafe99

Failsafe99 #10 · Jul 12th, 2019 · · · Chapter 1: Ascension ·

9726997
Glad I could help.

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