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Trixie got out of the train, proudly wearing her hat and cape once more.
She looked around; it was still the same old, gray and brown town, but now it wasn’t oppressive anymore. Without the weight of her failure pressing on her Trixie could see the beauty in the details. The flower pots gracing a window, the flowers painting a mosaic of color; glittering stones tracing patterns in a wall; crystal windows with intricate paneling, some as beautiful as the palace’s own glass work.
She walked around, trying to place faces. She recognized Rose Quartz, but almost nopony else; last time she was here Trixie rarely came to the town, hidden from the world in a rock farm.
“Trixie!”
Looking where the voice came from Trixie saw Igneous Rock smiling at her. “Hello, Iggy. How’s the farm?”
“Doin’ better now that Maud learned which stones potion makers and firework makers want. Do you know people still ask when we will get our salesmare back?”
Trixie laughed. “I might try it again someday, but not now. I need material to make fireworks, a lot of it. Princess Luna has hired me to create the greatest firework show in the history of Canterlot, and the Great Trixie will sure make it happen!”
Igneous Rock lowered his eyebrows. “You aren’t boasting again, are you?”
Her laughter took a musical quality. “No, not this time; I have really been hired by Princess Luna.”
Igneous Rock eyed her carefully. “You have changed, you know. When you left you smiled like you were going to crush somepony under your hoof; now you smile like you are happy. You remind me of my hyperactive daughter, she always has a true smile on her face.”
“The one that lives in Ponyville?” Trixie blinked. “Wait, is she a pink pony that deals with everything like a party?”
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the greatest firework show in the story of Canterlot
Needs to be history. only flaw in the story I saw.
wonderful story by the way. would be interested to see a story between Maud and Trixie as salesponies or something similar.
4112329
Thanks, fixed.
I actually wanted to write a scene or two where they interacted with customers, but I ran into size and time limits; the story had to be smaller than 7K words and posted by 9PM to qualify for the EQD Training Grounds, and I finished my last edit with 15 minutes and a bit over 1K words to spare. I couldn't fit half the scenes I wanted to do but skipped over in those 1K words, even if I had the time.
It's the curse of deadlines and limits. On the other hoof without the deadline it's quite possible this story would never have been posted...
I found this tale of Trixie's time at the rock farm fairly interesting. You had nice characterization of Trixie, Maud, and the rest of the Pie family. It was nice to see Trixie putting her talents towards bettering herself and the farm.
Some things that need attention though. Many sentences changed tense, such as going to past to present, which made the reading feel clumsy. These need to be ironed out so that the reader isn't left scratching his/her head.
Another thing that I began to wonder about half-way through the story was how Trixie would go from this stage in her life to acquiring the Alicorn Amulet. Here, I didn't feel as though enough build-up had been accomplished. Trixie goes from wondering how to sell rocks for potion making to suddenly "REVENGE!". The transition was jarring and didn't make a whole lot of sense given Trixie's development at that point. I would need to see her having a major low point with the farm before I would believe she would track down the amulet. Maybe a major fight with Maud?
Also, the time skip between chapters 4 and 5 gave me literary whiplash. There needs to be a better transition from Trixie finding out about the amulet and then coming back. With work from Princess Luna no less. How the heck did that come about?
Still, I got enjoyment out of this. A little more fleshing out story wise and you'll be good to go!
4113327
First, thank you very much for your comment
Sentences changing from past to present: I need to take a look at the proper ways to indicate a future possibility in a story that is told in the past tense. Perhaps I should convert them to actual thoughts instead of just indicated thoughts; it would fix the tense issue and make the story a bit less tell.
The jump is intentional, since there's an episode between chapters 4 and 5 (Magic Duel). Doing it this way might not have been my brightest idea, but I wanted to end in a positive note and Trixie setting out to have her revenge wasn't exactly what I consider a positive note. I couldn't deviate much from that without going against the show cannon. But I do agree with you that it can be jarring; if, or when, I rewrite the story I think I will change the ending of chapter 4, and the start of chapter 5, to better ease the transition.
(Heck, if I rewrite the story I will likely start chapter 4 again from scratch. My earlier idea to string together the alchemical materials and the Alicorn Amulet blew up in my face and I had to scrape something else shortly before the deadline
Rewriting at a later date also has the advantage that I won't be bound anymore by the 7K words limit, which will allow me to reintroduce some scenes I had to scrape.)
The part about doing work for Luna is a reference to another fic of mine, Fireworks for a Princess; if they don't conflict each other I tend to write my fics so they can be a single continuity, though I try to avoid making previous ones required reading for future ones. I'm adding a note pointing the reference to chapter 4, but I do agree that it would be a good idea to throw a few lines pointing what happened in chapter 5. At 312 words it certainly could use a bit more text. I'm going to wait until I actually rewrite the story before doing it, though; doing this kind of change just after submitting a story to an event would feel a bit too close to cheating.
I did a small change to the wording at the end of chapter 4, BTW. I changed "have her revenge on" to "win her rematch against". I was already thinking about doing this change shortly after submitting the story, but Meeester got to my fic before I could revoke the submission, and then I went to sleep and forgot about it
4113502
I remember reading Fireworks for a Princess, but didn't realize they were in the same continuity. Thanks for pointing that out.
Good luck with the re-writes!
It's always nice to see Trixie play off against another character who isn't trying to aggravate her. Very intriguing to see her try to be productive.
And the bandits got an object lesson in perspective. That was fun. It's disappointingly common for authors to write Trixie off as an incompetent just because she's not as powerful as Twilight, but she really is very capable in her own right. Canonically, even. And brave enough to stand up against an overwhelming foe. That's also something that needs to be remembered.
4114190
In my mind, if Trixie wasn't in a desperate situation Maud would have aggravated her without trying; they are just too different. Why, I even gave Trixie a nightmare
(Which is why I paired them, of course; I was originally going to use just Trixie, but then I started to imagine how she would react to Maud...)
BTW: according to Lauren Faust, Trixie went to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, the same one Twilight went to. It's not exactly canon - Lauren Faust wasn't in the show anymore when she twitted that - but I take that to mean Trixie is quite talented, just not as much as she boasts.
Wow, I loved this story! Normally I DESPISE Trixie, but this was incredibly written! You portrayed her relationship with Maud very well and turned her into a very sympathetic and likeable character to me! Awesome job!
4181565
Hard to say without reading the stories you disliked, but my guess is that Trixie tends to be the character people either love, or love to hate.
When the author loves a character there is a tendency to make it a Mary Sue, which is irritating by itself. Add to that the fact Trixie is a too proud Large Ham, which tends to also be irritating by itself, and such a Trixie becomes insufferable.
And when the author hates her the tendency is to make her just plain evil, utterly incompetent, or both — which is not interesting — as well as maximizing her already existing irritating tendencies.
I like to think that I found a happy medium, where Trixie can be irritating and too proud, but on the other hoof is skilled and ultimately has a good heart.
(When you think about it, Trixie's flaws are similar to Rainbow Dash's flaws. Both love to be the center of attention and can be too proud for their own good.
)