A dirty-minded photographer edits and publishes pictures of Fleur Dis Lee (and a few of Rarity) and publishes them in the Playcolt magazine. Can the two mares reveal his secret and redeem themselves (as well as their social status)?
Maybe they'll learn something on the way.
Note: This is my first ever fanfic. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!
There is nothing graphic or inappropriate, but it still deserves both the Teen and Sex tags. This has been a PSA.
Self-edited. Credit to ultimateultimate on deviantart for cover image.
Chapters (6)
Somebody's gotta tell you. Its Fleur De Lis, not Fleur Dis Lee. I dont think Fleur is going to be related to Bruce Lee anytime soon.
That might be interesting, though.
OMG
PLEASE CONTINUE
4086826 the flower is called Fleur de lis but in the mlp wiki the pony is Fleur dis lee (I'm assuming a play on words). I prefer to go by the wiki. (For example, Cadance vs Cadence.) Understandably confusing!
And you're right, that does sound interesting...
4087366 Oh, alrighty then.
CADENCE:*flying hoof kick*AIEEEEEEEE!!
BRUCE LEE:*swings nunchucks around*HOWAAAAAAA!
4088032 Thank you! My chapters are short but I promise they will get better over time! ;)
I don't normaly like reading this type of stuff but this story is quite interesting! Also has my two fave unicorns Rarity and Fleur XD Poor Fleur and Rarity though hopefully they kill Streak soon XD
Really good start! Much better than my first attempt. However, there are a few issues. Mostly with pacing. It seems a bit rushed in places, and had it been properly fleshed out and paced, this chapter would have probably been closer to 2000 or so words.
That pacing problem was something that i overcame by getting an editor. In reality, self-editing is a highly risky endeavor. Having someone else to look at the story before you publish it for all to see can make the difference between a mediocre story and a great one. This has potential, and you are not too bad at doing the editing yourself, but i would HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend getting an editor.
With that said, good work so far! You've earned a like from me, and i would probably rate this at a 3/5. I hope this bit of criticism can help you grow and improve as a writer!
4094062 Thank you for the appraisal!
When I said self-edited I meant grammar and spelling, but now I realize there's a lot more to it? Speaking of which, where do I get an editor?
4095528 There are groups where you can find editors or pre-readers to help you. They help you with not only making sure the story is grammatically correct, but also bounce ideas off of you and help you with the overall flow and balance that the story has.
Again, good luck with your story and welcome to Fimfiction!
I like it so far, but seems like chapters are a bit short IMO. Poor Fleur. You've earned yourself a follower.
It's authors like you, who write actually interesting stories with decent grammar, that refresh me in a site full of alicorn OCs. You've earned a follow.
Well... that escalated quickly...
I like the idea, but I'm not entirely sure about the execution of it. It seems a bit dodgy to have all of Rarity's friends suddenly treating her like a leper-colony refugee without even waiting to hear her side of things. It certainly seems out of character for Fluttershy, who's usually the one to assume the best of everyone... and Rainbow Dash seems like the sort of person who'd think appearing in Playcolt is "cool", and would be congratulating Rarity on finally loosening up and letting her mane down, as it were. ("I always knew you had a wild side in there somewhere, Rares, but I never thought you'd go this wild!"
)
Your ending italics tag is broken. Might want to give it a once-over. Otherwise, I'm enjoying this greatly.
4113572 oh wow, thanks! I better fix that!
4113521 Oh... You're right... I'm kinda sorta making this up as I go *blushes* and I hadn't thought of that! Good point, I'll add that in in later chapters, because editing with my phone is a pain and I don't have a laptop..
Pegasus to his devices.
Pegasus Device
24.media.tumblr.com/8c5abf0e0be8124326395ca58a2e24e2/tumblr_n2hztkkhH11t2o4u0o1_500.jpg
4113810
No problem.
Yup, this is really random. It's more to tie up the loose ends in my last chapter than anything else. Sorry, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless!
Wat.
just saying: you should make it a teensy tiny minuscular bit more exciting
Seriously? Twilight's worried more about losing a member of the group than dealing with the truth?
If she's a friend, I wouldn't want an enemy!
Why you -grabs ahold of the photographer- little- chokes him with my wings-
Opal?
This seems mildly OOC for Twi, I have to say.