The Proposal
“Ahhh… that hit the spot.” Rainbow Dash said as she leaned back on her chair with her plate empty.
“Rainbow Dash,” Rarity gave her a disapproving look, “I must say that that was quite a messy way to eat… even by your standards.”
Rainbow Dash did her best to look contrite. “Well… I was hungry…!”She protested.
“And it’s no fun just to eat food normally!” Pinkie Pie giggled. “I actually think it’s quite unfair to always eat food without letting food having a chance to eat us first. That’s why I always do this!”
Pinkie Pie then proceeded to smash the rest of her cupcake into her own face before licking all of it off.
“Hmm… Yummyyy…”
“Err… anyway, where’s Twilight and everypony else?” Rainbow Dash asked. “I thought they were supposed to be meeting us today.”
Rarity levitated her cup carefully back onto the table. “Twilight should be here already, but she’s in the middle of some important research for the princess – you know how she gets when Princess Celestia asks her to do something. Applejack and Fluttershy won’t be joining us as they are simply too busy; Applejack has the apple bucking season to take care of while Fluttershy has to take care of her animals. It seems that a lot of them have caught that nasty flu that has been around.”
Rainbow Dash plonked her head on the table with a groan. “I hope Twilight gets here soon, I really need her help on something.” She said.
“What’s the matter? Is there something wrong?” Rarity asked in a concerned voice. “Is it something that Pinkie Pie and I can help you with?”
Pinkie Pie looked up from her pile of half devoured cupcakes at the mention of her name. “Oh! Oh! What do you need help with Rainbow Dash? I’m the best at giving super-duper good advice!”
“Well, it’s about Thunderlane.” Rainbow Dash propped her head up with her hoof. “It’s just that he’s been acting really weird for the past few days and I’m just worried that he won’t do well in the Equestria Games that are coming up. I think it might be nerves or something, so I was going to ask Twilight if she knew any exercises from all her books that could help with that.”
Rarity gave Rainbow Dash a weird look. “Rainbow Dash, my dear, isn’t it obvious why Thunderlane has been acting like this…?”
“What do you mean?” Rainbow Dash was confused. “Well, I guess some ponies can get nervous more easily than others, but even Fluttershy is doing really well now!”
“Oh… you actually have no idea.” Rarity looked away nervously. “Well, it’s nothing really big or anything like that. So you don’t need to worry about it…much.”
Rarity laughed nervously and began to furiously sip on her cup of tea. Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes suspiciously; something was up. She took a breath and was just about to start interrogating Rarity when Pinkie Pie interrupted like a machine gun.
“OHHHH! Rarity, are you talking about how Thunderlane has this, like, massive crush on Rainbow Dash and has been asking basically everypony in Ponyville how he should ask Rainbow Dash out? And like, the only reason that he volunteered to join the flying team in the first place was to get closer to Rainbow Dash and to spend more time with her? And he has this plan to-” Pinkie Pie drew in a deep breath and Rainbow Dash took the chance to interrupt.
“WHAT?! Thunderlane has a crush on me?!” Rainbow Dash shot up into the air in horror.
“Yes, silly~! That’s what I was just telling you!” Pinkie Pie giggled. “He even has this whole thing orchestrated where he’s going to ask you out – he’s even planned your first date! He’s already asked so many ponies for their advice and all of them agree that you two would be the perfect couple! He even - hey look, there he is now!”
Rainbow Dash whirled her head around. And sure enough, Thunderlane was slowly moving towards them with a group of ponies around him. Flitter, Cloudchaser and Blossomforth were by his side; even Rumble, his little brother, was excitedly walking in front of him. Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes at how stupid this entire situation was.
“Wait till I give him a piece of my mind.” Rainbow Dash muttered. “I can’t believe that Thunderlane actually thinks that I feel something for him…”
Rainbow Dash was just about to fly over and bluntly reject Thunderlane when he felt something pulling her down by her tail. Looking down, she realised that Rarity was using her magic to pull her down back into her seat.
“What?”
Rarity lowered her voice. “I think you need to treat this situation carefully, Rainbow Dash. If you’re planning on rejecting Thunderlane, I suggest that you have a good reason that he, and everypony else, would accept.”
“Why?” Rainbow Dash hissed. Thunderlane had reached the café and was slowly making his way to their table.
“Because if you give him a reason that isn’t good enough, he might leave the flying team out of spite! You don’t have a sub for the team do you?” Rarity said in a hushed tone. “And with so many ponies supporting Thunderlane, you can potentially offend half the town!”
Rainbow Dash paused. “But what’s a good way of rejecting someone that won’t offend them?”
Rarity opened her mouth to reply when a shadow loomed over their table and she looked up instead, a smile frozen over face.
“Why hello there, Thunderlane.” She said.
“Hi Rarity,” Thunderlane moved between Rarity and Rainbow Dash, “I was wondering if I could borrow Rainbow Dash for a second?”
Rarity gave a quick nervous nod and Thunderlane turned to Rainbow Dash.
“Rainbow Dash, I’ve always admired you for your dedication to flying. It just makes my day when I see you smile, and the training sessions that I’ve had with you has made me realised that I see you as more than as a friend…”
It sounded like Thunderlane was reciting lines from some type of script and it was all Rainbow Dash could do not to yawn out loud. Thunderlane went on and on and Rainbow Dash wondered if she was allowed to ask for a break when Thunderlane finally seemed to reach the climax of his speech.
“And so… Rainbow Dash, I really think that there is something special between the both of us.” Taking a rose from his little brother, Thunderlane placed it in front of Rainbow Dash and then asked the dreaded question. “Would you be my special somepony?”
Rainbow Dash could hear sighs of appreciation coming from all the other ponies that were in the café. She fidgeted in her seat nervously as she felt many ponies stare at her as they waited for her reply.
“That was so romantic!” she heard Flitter whisper to Cloudchaser. “I wish somepony would ask me out like that!”
Everypony was looking at Rainbow expectantly; she felt beads of sweat forming on her face.
“Look, Thunderlane. I err… think it’s really cool what you tried to do here, but I don’t think-”
Rainbow Dash couldn’t even finish her sentence before Rumble was on the table in her face.
“Are you saying that my big brother isn’t good enough!?” He cried.
Rainbow Dash immediately realised that Rarity was right; everypony was looking at Rainbow Dash like she was the bad guy here. She had to tread lightly.
“It’s not him, it’s me!” Rainbow Dash defended herself. “Like Thunderlane is perfect just the way he is, but I just can’t go out with him!”
Thunderlane turned away slowly. “That just sounds like an awful lot of bull to me.” He said quietly. He began to walk away from the table.
Rainbow Dash looked around at all the accusing stares directed at her. She looked helplessly at Rarity who shrugged her shoulders in defeat. As Thunderlane left the café, Rainbow Dash could hear other ponies start to talks about her.
“I can’t believe that she would turn him down like that.”
“That was just plain rude.”
“How did somepony like her end up being the captain of the flying team for Ponyville?” Rainbow Dash turned in shock as she realised that it was Mayor Mare that had said the last sentence.
“Mayor Mare, you must understand, I had no idea that Thunderlane felt that way about me!” Rainbow Dash protested. She looked around helplessly as she saw that most of the ponies in the café were agreeing with the Mayor’s sentiment.
“I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash, but even in the event that you actually have no feelings for Thunderlane, I cannot believe the unprofessional manner in which you settled this matter. Unless you resolve this matter with Thunderlane properly, I will have no choice but to take you off the flying team. Ponyville cannot afford to have such a pony representing them in the Equestria Games."
In hearing that she might be removed from the flying team, Rainbow Dash instinctively flew towards Thunderlane who had just left the cafe.
“Wait!” she called out.
She landed in front of Thunderlane who looked up at her with downcast eyes. Blossomforth glared at Rainbow Dash.
“Thunderlane, I actually completely meant what I was saying before. If things were different, I wouldn’t hesitate to be your special somepony.” Rainbow Dash said quietly.
“So why did you say no?” Blossomforth asked rudely.
“Well… Err… You see, the thing is…” Rainbow Dash looked back at the café, where the mayor and everyone else were looking at her intently.
She took a deep breath. She wasn’t sure if this was the best idea, but this was the only thing that she could come up with at the moment. I really hope that Twilight would forgive me for the lie that I’m about to tell.
“I already have a special somepony. That special somepony is Twilight Sparkle.”
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Saro0fdemonz · 6k words · 55 6 · 1.8k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.133 seconds
Total duration
1,051 users online
2,531,109 hits today, 2,064,738 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Wow, okay.
So, let's start off with this. I see you've just joined the site, and that this is your first story posted, so welcome!
The premise for this story seems interesting, and I could definitely see Rainbow Dash panicking and pulling a stunt like this. It'll be fun to see Twilight's reaction, and where the two go from there.
Now to the fun part.
First, your prologue, well, wasn't really a prologue. It was the first part of chapter 1. That's just me being nitpicky though.
Secondly, the way this entire chapter went down is just absurd. Rainbow Dash turned down Thunderlane's confession, and now she's suddenly in danger of losing her position as Captain of the flying team for the Equestrian Games? As said by Mayor Mare, no less. That goes beyond juvenile schoolyard politics right into the realm of WTF?!
Sure, Thunderlane may have had a lot of ponies supporting his crush, but this kind of reaction is just crazy. It's not like Rainbow Dash unloaded on him or anything. She wasn't rude, and she definitely wasn't "unprofessional". Honestly, what would professionalism have to do in a case like this?
Think of it like this, let's switch the characters around. Put Twilight it Rainbow's place, Celestia in Mayor Mare's, and Blueblood in Thunderlane's.
"I'm sorry Prince Blueblood, but I just don't feel that way towards you."
"My faithful student! That attitude is very unbecoming of a princess! Unless you come up with a very hastily thought-up excuse right now I'll have no choice but to turn you back into a unicorn and banish you from Equestria."
Seems a bit silly doesn't it?
And as a last note, you may want to watch the pacing of the narrative. It wasn't too bad given how short this chapter was, but it would be nice to see a bit more of the scene. Just as a thought.
Anyways, I'll keep an eye on this. As I said, I'd like to see where it goes.
4050678 i actually agree. while i have read some convoluted reactions to things like this, this one kind of stretches the limit. i would give my own critique, but ssjgokillo summed it up pretty well. but i'm still going to see how this all plays out.
4050678
I have to agree, I really just could not get passed the premise, that Dash has to lie or half the town will turn against her. Really? Half the town? I mean, for one thing, look at who her friends are, I have to think that between the five of them they probably have more sway over ponyville than some Pegasus who....what? Has a crush? Oh sure, by all means side with him over the mare who helped save all your lives multiple times. Furthermore, if Dash was going to come up with an excuse, why say she's dating Twilight? Why not just say that she's gay. It isn't as if that couldn't progress to basically the same place narratively, and it would make a lot more sense. I mean, what train of logic led her to that?
Personally, I think the idea could work, If you changed a few things (if you don't mind me suggesting them), for example, have Thunderlane ask Dash out without her finding out about it from her friends beforehand. She's so caught off guard that she handle's it poorly and accidently humiliates Thunderlane in public, and instead of it being 'half the town is behind him' have the way she treated him spread like a rumour through the town become more outlandish as it goes. That, I think would be more believable
4050678
Wow, thanks for your in-depth comment (thanks for taking the time to read my story as well!). This is my first pony fan-fiction, so any constructive criticism is really appreciated.
I'm really glad that you've brought up your 2nd point, I actually didn't really notice it all until you've pointed out. I guess I probably got so wrapped up with the direction that I was trying to push the story that I sorta overlooked that. I'll probably tweak the first chapter slightly so that it doesn't seem as unbelievable
Also, would you mind clarifying what you meant about the "pace of the narrative"? I'm not quite sure if I follow. Thanks!
4050929
I really appreciate the idea that you gave me to make this story better, I'll be working to fix it up as best as I can. After I finish editing it, please tell me if the new idea works better
4050678 seconded, if anything it would be unprofessional for thunderlane to ask RD in the first place.
EDIT: I suppose its all just an excuse to have a sitcom story
A bit silly
but the premice is neat and I'd like to see where this goes
4050964
If you really want to stir up outrage against RD to push her into the "Fake-out Make-out" route with Twilight you should ditch Thunderlane for either a unicorn or a mare and have the rumormill twist the rejection into a hateful anti-unicorn/lesbian rant. Racism is also a valid reason to endanger someones job.
Polarizing hot button topics are polarizing.
thinking about it, its kinda a dick move to remove you from the squad, when someone asked you out and you said no. Mayor mare's a dick...
Awwww shit, you sir have my attention now.
Look at that overreaction. She doesn't want to go on a date with a guy and she's kicked off team? I mean... wut? This is... totally unbelievable, in my honest opinion. I mean, she wasn't rude about, she was just a bit... cliche. And even iif she was rude, that is still such an immense over reaction that the Mayer should be the one kicked from her position.
And another thing bugging me; Pinkie and Rarity were right there. Why the hell did they not jump to her defense? They surly should have thought that they were blowing things way out of proportion. As soon as Mayor made the threat they should have called bull on her, but what did they do? Sit there silently. Rarity, maybe, but Pinkie? No way.
Totally unbelievable start, and splitting up this and the epilogue was, quite frankly, pointless. If I can fit the entire chapter onto my screen, it's too short to be its own thing.
Will track, if only because Twidash is still Twidash and I quite like the plot.
4050964
My pleasure! I'm glad you found my comments helpful. To be honest, the first fanfic I ever wrote had a very similar issue, where I was so wrapped up in the story I wanted to tell that I didn't stop to make sure it actually worked. The result was awful, but I learned from it
When it comes to the pacing of the narrative, what I mean is that the story could do with more details. As an example, The Proposal opens up with Rainbow Dash having just finished her lunch, in a way that apparently disgusted Rarity. We know that she ate sloppily, but you could put that into words to help give the story character.
Example:
It was the single most horrific sight some ponies had ever seen. Ponies who had been simply going about their day found themselves stuck, watching the catastrophe with the morbid fascination of any calamity. One poor stallion found himself emptying the contents of his stomach into a nearby bush.
What could cause such distress in the citizens of Ponyville?
Rainbow Dash's table manners.
Rarity held a menu in her magical grip, deftly moving it to as a shield to block the pieces of food that Rainbow Dash was somehow flinging across the table in her scramble to eat. One would think that, with as hungry as Rainbow Dash apparently was, she would strive to actually get some of the food into her mouth.
Finally, the torrent of flying food parts came to a slow, and then halted altogether.
“Ahhh… that hit the spot.” Rainbow Dash said as she leaned back on her chair with her plate empty.
/end Example
Giving us more imagery, more details, will only help your story in the long run. Imagine the scene in your head, pick out the details, and transcribe those so we know that you're seeing and trying to convey to us.
Another good trick is to "tell" the reader something without actually spelling it out to them.
Example:
Twilight was horrified
vs.
Twilight's eyes widened and her pupils shrank to the point that the purple irises almost completely disappeared. Her heart was thundering in her chest like a stampede of buffalo, and she could feel a cold sweat break out under her fur.
Hope that this helps out even a little, and I'll eagerly be awaiting the next chapter!
I, uh, well. I'll track this due to TwiDash, but apart from that, the premise of this just screams out "what?"
I'm not sure how it's unprofessional to reject a teammate's advances. If anything it would be unprofessional to accept, as a falling out would jeopardise training sessions due to bitterness. Or if no breakup were to happen, favouritism comes into play and the other team members grow annoyed and bitter.
I shall see how this plays out, but for now I reserve my judgement.
4051301
that's actually a really good point, and it would also justify why she specifically said she was dating Twilight as opposed to just saying she was gay, which as it stands would make more sense
So by everyones logic, she had no right to turn down Thunderlane for asking her out. I mean, they really aren't taking her feelings into consideration there.
4050678 seconded or is it now thirded? Or is it 3rded
When The next chapter comes out?