Part 1 (I know, short stories dont have parts, but this is my first one, I need critic before I go on
Fluttershy's new friend.
This is my first short story. I decided to be a short story writer for practice since writing an actual novel is difficult. And, short stories seem fun!
Fluttershy was quietly sipping tea with Angel bunny. It was a calm day for her; the sun was up, a few clouds, and the animals were all relaxed. So she took this opertunity to take a quick tea time with Angel. Each sip she takes triggers her to take in a deep, but calming breath. It was a percfect day for Fluttershy.
She was about to press her lips on her cup to consume another bit of tea when she heard something. Something that only an animal caretaker such as herself could hear. It was a cry for help. Her ears perked up, sounding an alarm in her mind. She moved one hoof to her ear to get a better sound from it. 'Help', She heard it again; it was comming from everfree forest. It was a faint sound, to her it sounded like it was hurt, or even traped.
Fluttershy could not let this go on. She quickly set her tea down, got up, grabed her first aid kit, and got ready to go find this poor creature. "I'm sorry Angel, but there is an animal in need, and I just cant leave an animal that is in harm." Fluttershy quitely told Angel. Angel, being the stubborn bunny he is (I'm asuming its a he), just crosses his paws and turns his head away. Showing that he is upset about this, and hoped that the tea time couldn't have ended so soon. Fluttershy quickly kisses Angel on the cheek, "Bye Angel, now you take care of the house while I'm gone; It will only be a few minutes, ok?" said Fluttershy. Angle just waves his paw with a fake smile, trying not to show his emotions for her leaving. He obviosly wants attention.
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With all her stuff ready, she jumps right into the everfree forest. Knowing her way around, she doesn't have to worry about anything. The cry for 'help' suddenly gets louder as she trots closer towards it, she could clearly make out what it was, a breezy. " But, I thought they all made it!" She said to herself as she began too almost cry on the fact that there was an abandond brezzy in the everfree forest, all by herself. She couldn't cry now though, she had to help this little creature. She has to be confident like she always has. She pumps her chest up as if she is a hero, and trots faster.
She could finnaly hear the sound loud and clear, it was on the other side of a bush. She quickly jumps behind it, not knowing what might be over there. One false move and she could be timberwolf super. She used her hoof to open up a small hole in the bush to see what this was all about. What whe saw almost stabbed her in the heart. The breezy was surrounded by other animals, tied up on a stick, and was about to be set on a fire. She turned her head, she saw other sticks that were burned. She counted 4. 5 breezies were lost, and 4 have already been eaten. She started crying as she stared at the burnt sticks. "No, No, not the breezies! " She said under tearing eyes. Seeing this was like torture, how could somepony eat some of the cutest creatures in equestria? Opening up the hole even more, she saw that they weren't ponies eating them. Turns out that they were just bunnies. But these wern't any bunnies. These were the terrifing and almost deadly rabid ones. Fluttershy has never seen them in person, dn never really wanted to it pained her to see how evil they really are.
She had to think of something, anything, to keep that creature alive. She looked up, down and around for anything that can help aid its escape. And then she spots somthing. To the tree above, about a few feet away from the bunnies on the otherside of the clearing, was a loose branch. A lightbulb turned on in her head. She was going to create a diversion that would lure them away from the breezy. This should give her enough time to grab it and run home quickly before the bunnies saw her.
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The brezzy was scared for its life, tearing up every time the fire rose higher. It could hear what the bunnies were saying, and it freaked it out, almost gving it a heart attack. "Its been so long since we had a brezzy treat like that. I forgot how good these were." The brezzy was so shocked to hear this. It turned its head, only for its eyes to meet the sticks, the burnt sticks. Its friend was on that stick, they spent so much time together. It started to sob more and more. Its head hung low, its shoulders slumped and just let itself go. There was nothing it could do, this was going to be the end for it. Its life flased before its eyes as tear drops fell. Its parents, siblings, its first date. It was going to lose that all. It was over.
But just when all hope seemed lost, it heard a loud 'snap' and a 'thud'. A branch had fallen. "What was that?" One bunny asked. "Could have been another treat, lets go check it out." all 4 of them just jumped towards the brach that had fallen without thinking. Leaving the breezy hoping someone was going to save it. It tensed up, looked around, started sweating, and then it heard it. Rusling of bushes, always a good sign. Most of the time.
Suddenly, A yellow pegusus jumped out. That made the breezy jump a bit at the surprise. The pegusus then ran over to the breezy, quickly picked it up, and dashed away before the bunnies got back.. It happend so fast that the breezy just blacked out, leaving it clueless on what just happend.
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After a few hours, it woke up, to a paw just patting it on the head. So 'soft' it thought. It opened its eyes slowy, covering its eyes to udjust to the different lighting. It then saw a white bunny, and nearly gave the breezy a heart attack "AAAHHHHH" it screamed in a high pitched tone. Startling the bunny, sending it off the edge of the bed.
Ok im going to let this go on if I can get some critisizm on how I am doing so far.
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This could use a good proofreading. Both the story and the description have errors in them. Concept isn't terribly original but so long as you do it right and add some originality here and there it isn't really an issue. Also I would suggest trying to write longer chapters in order to capture the readers attention. 1000 words, for the most part, doesn't really do that well.
It was interesting to say that it is the first one I read with the brezzys
I personally would have used timberwolfs instead of those weird rabbits.
And i think that the weirdest moment at the end was a bit undetailed.
Also be carefull about things like the pegusus instead of pegasus. Because it sounds like a dinosaur.
4031034 yes, like I said, this is just a short story. I am longer into novel making for now.
Btw I did this on my tablet. The description was on screen, but I used a keyboard to do the story.
Btw tablrts dont show spelling errors so it was harder to write this, I would have done this on my computer if it didn't terribly crasha week ago.
4031662 no longer into novel making*
4031662
Well you should have asked someone to proof it for you before posting it. Simple fix
4032601 this was the proofread lol