Unfortunate events

by knetch

Chapter 4 Pass the metal gates

Chapter 4 Pass the metal gates

Camille POV

We followed Albert, through the metal gates of the City of Megaton, this settlement left me in awe, at the sight of the catwalks and houses that were made from the parts of machines long lost.

“Howdy Albert, I see you are back from the wastes” I was snapped back into reality by man with brown skin, probably in his fifties, as he approached Albert I notice that he wore a leather coat similar to Albert’s and the rest of the Hunters but not quite, this one looked a lot less complex, with a six edged silver star on the chest, the man also wore on top of his head, a hat that reminded me of the old west movies that were played on the projector at Mr. Brotch’s classroom.

“Hello Lucas, Still being the sheriff I see” Albert nodded to the man “I didn’t see Deputy Steel on the gate, is he on maintenance?” he asked while the Sheriff’s eyes scanned me and Sandra, until they stopped on spike, the dragon didn’t have time to react as the Sheriff sprang into action, leveling his weapon on spike’s head, only to be stopped by a quick hand to the cannon from Albert, pointing the weapon towards the sky.

“What are you doing Albert?! There is a Deathclaw in my town!” the man called Lucas said while glaring Albert and our group, as Albert held the Sheriff weapon the Security of the city approached us.

“Don’t shoot him, he is harmless, isn’t that right Spike?” Spike was petrified by fear, and the city guards were aiming their weapons at us.

“So, it was really a good idea to approach a settlement after all? Get a hold to yourself” I thought as time seemed to slow, an idea appeared in my mind, and the city guards watched in horror, as I did the unthinkable.

I smacked the dragon at the back of his head.

“OW! Why did you do that!?” the dragon voice broke everyone from their standoff.

“Did that Deathclaw just spoke?” The sheriff looked at Spike, the disbelief on his face was so thick, that you could make a mask out of it.

“Come on Lucas, are we going to go through this again? You remember Fawkes, I tell you Spike is completely harmless” Albert said to the Sheriff, but Lucas was not impressed. In fact he seemed resigned to his fate.

“Stand down gentlemen!” Lucas sighted and waited a bit “Albert fourteen years ago, you brought that supermutant through the gates of my town and true to your word he was harmless. Now you bring a purple Deathclaw through my gates. Next thing I know you will be bringing the Enclave on a parade through my town!” he glared Albert directly through his googles “oh wait, that actually happened, didn’t it? I still remember that hit squad that tried to kill you in your house, and then somehow they leave town, safe and sound. Even more now Threedog is broadcasting about them being the “Enclave seven, protectors of Big Town?” he took a deep breath “I will trust your word on this one. but just try to avoid more surprises…”

“What is a Deathclaw?” Spike said and the sheriff was mute again.

“Actually, I would like to know that too, so far I have only seen the Brahmin, the big scorpions, and some more, but nothing about a Deathclaw” the sheriff looked us like we were the growing extra heads as we speak.

“But…. you are” he said to spike, “you know what? As long as you don’t make any trouble. I will not have to tan your hide and hang it at Gob’s Saloon. Lizard, the only reason I will let you in, is because Albert saved us all fifteen years ago. That also goes for the Vaultdweller, but not for the raider spy in your group” he said while looking at Sandra.

Albert chuckled as he asked “how did you figured out Sheriff?” I looked at Sandra in disbelief. Was she a raider?

“Well, I may not be as sharp as in my old days, but while we were having out little ruse. She tried to slip away while no one was looking and ain’t a little too early to be as high as you are sweetheart? gentlemen, grab her and check for raider crew marks!!!!” as he said this two guards tied up Sandra and put her face to the ground, then they ripped part of her shirt and there it was, a mark picturing a demon, from the Gronak comic book, bathed in blood while feasting on a victim. I remember that issue. I read it back at the vault.

“Interesting, the Blood Reavers crew. I haven’t seen them since my travels with Victor” Albert said curious as he started tapping his Pipboy.

“You mean the NCR Courier? That was seven years ago. What could have happened in all this time to have raiders from up west come here” the Sheriff commented as the guards got Sandra up from the floor arms tied to the torso.

“I don’t know, but that is one of the reasons I have been making more Hunters from the Brotherhood initiates lately” said Albert as he looked Sandra.

“Take her to the holding cell, we will have Jericho interrogate her shortly” The Sheriff ordered to the pair of guards, I hope you enjoyed our little play, vaultgirl and since we are not holding ourselves at gunpoint anymore, let me introduce myself. Name's Lucas Simms, town sheriff, and mayor of this fine town we call Megaton, and you are?” he asked while looking at us.

“M-my name is Camille, and the lizard beside me is Spike” I said while pointing to a very confuse spike.

“N-nice to meet you, S-Sheriff” said the dragon with a stutter.

“good to make your acquaintance little fellah. Stay with Albert here and you won’t get lost. Now if you excuse me. I have a raider problem to solve. I will keep you up to speed Albert, see ya later” he said as he walked towards the town.

“And Lucas, Sonora send her regards” that seemed to lift the sheriff’s spirit as he went on his route.

“Well, that went better that expected” Albert said with a sight and started walking as we followed him.

“You knew she was a raider All along?” as asked in disbelief and used as bait, how could he.

“I wasn’t sure if she was one, so when we entered I gave a little signal to Lucas and then everything flew right out of the window, when he mistook you little friend here for a Deathclaw, but he quickly caught on and Camille. Good thinking in getting spike to yell, that was just what we needed to snap back Lucas into the ruse” he said while patting my shoulder, still I do not like being played at.

“What’s the deal with me talking” Spike asked confused at the reaction of the sheriff.

“To understand that, you must understand that out on the wastes there are vicious predators, and among the deadliest stand the Deathclaw. I have heard rumors back west that some are intelligent, but to the common knowledge they do not talk. They are between nine to ten feet tall, got claws that can slice through steel and one of the meanest bites you can get, also are known to eat humans. Besides where do you think the claws for my gauntlet came from” he finished the last part taping the gauntlet hanging from his coat with a low chuckle as we approached one of the houses.

The house was made from the same material as the rest of the town, on the roof it got a sing saying "Library / Armory, talk to wadsworth"

Albert approached the front door and as he opened it. Two kids were dismantling a Mister Handy robot on the floor while it was yelling curses at them, Albert facepalmed...

Author's Note:

thanks for all of you who are still in tune for this story, now for some context.

The Hunters: this group does not exist anywhere but in my headcannon is a subdivision in the brotherhood of steel, focused on stealth, infiltration, and tracking both people and tecnology they respond to the acting elder,star paladin and sentinel, they use the same ranks as the brotherhood, they do not normally use power armor, but have a modification on their coats and combat armor, that is a mix between the chinise stealth suit and the stealthboy, granting the user rechargable temporary invisibility, without the risk of loosing their sanity thanks to a copper mail in their helmets, and their googles have lowlight application and HUD incorporated for not Pipboy users.

they were created by Albert (the Loner) and Gallows, after Albert returned from his travels with the courier, all this years after the second houver's dam war, long story short the east chapter was tricked into believing that NCR orchestrated an assassination on the Elder Lyon, and almost sparked a war.

The blood reaver will be explained later as also the courier's side of the story with more backgound on the war, ofcourse from camille's or spike's perspective.
stay tunned and as always feel free to coment and give constructive criticism to the story.
---knetch

Comments

[Primary Source]

You have some really neat ideas and great potential here. However, it is really hard as a reader to lose myself in the story when there are so many grammar issues. Capitalization is one issue, but the bigger ones I see here involve sentence punctuation and sentence flow. You are leaning really heavily on commas, creating a lot of run-on sentences, where a period would be more appropriate.

For example, look at this paragraph from Chapter 1:
"three hours into the night, and there was a loud crack from outside, wake me up, it sounded like a thunder, i get to the window that was not more than a big hole on one of the walls, and see, to my horror, the biggest storm just above the station, "I need to flee this building now!" i screamed in my head, it was the first time i saw the sky like this, with big a threatening looking clouds, with thunderbolts on the horizon, i exit the store only to see on the burned floor, some kind of lizard that its sleeping while sucking his claw, "heh I didn’t know the wasteland mutations behave as people while sleeping" asilly thought of the posible agresive creature, crossed my mind, strage enough the storm seemed to be desapearing, so i focused on the creature at my feet."

I'm no stranger to thick paragraphs, but this entire thing is only two sentences when it should be broken up a lot more. Combine that with spelling errors, changes in your verb tense (moving from was to is) and dropped capitals that should mark the start of a sentence (or quoted speech), and you have a writing style that turns readers away in droves.

"Three hours into the night, and there was a loud crack from outside woke me up. It sounded like a thunder. I got to the window that was not more than a big hole on one of the walls, and see to my horror, the biggest storm just above the station. "I need to flee this building now!" I screamed in my head. It was the first time I saw had seen the sky like this. With big a threatening looking clouds, with and thunderbolts on the horizon, I exited the store only to see on the burned floor, some kind of lizard that its sleeping while sucking his claw some kind of lizard sucking its claw as it slept on the burnt floor. "Heh, I didn’t know the wasteland mutations behave as people while sleeping," a silly thought of the possibly aggressive creature crossed my mind. Strangely enough the storm seemed to be desapearingdisappearing, so I focused on the creature at my feet."

I edited for capitalization, spelling, punctuation, and changing verb tense. I also changed the order of some sentences to make them more clear for a reader.

I'd encourage you to use something like Microsoft Word or Open Office while you write because this will automatically check for and highlight most of spelling and grammar issues for you. You may also want to find a proofreader willing to help you read and edit your stories.

It was too hard for me to get into the story with all of the grammar and punctuation issues, but you seriously do have lots of potential here. The few paragraphs I did read seem interesting, and would bring in some curious readers if you tweaked them a little. Practice makes perfect, so be sure to keep at it!