• Member Since 28th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 6th, 2023

knetch


just someone, who want to create worlds and collect others

T

This is about The unfortunate events. that brings a drake,who is brought to the wasteland by accident and a Vaultdweller. Who is hoping find her father in the ruins of Washington DC. together they will try to survive and witness both the worst and the best that the wasteland has to offer.

dark and gore for the regular violence on fallout
sex tag for mention. so no explicit sex, friends.
crossover between the Fallout universe and mlp
the Fallout franchise belongs to bethesda studios and my little pony belong to hasbro

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 6 )

this is a few typos but it's actually good

4431355 shit's got potential don't you give up on me now alot of folks like you did that before seems like alot of people cancels nowadays but i seriously hope you don't give up on this

4431397 dont worry i wont stop until this stories is over, this is my first fic, i won't let it die.

Off the bat there is several typos in the description

Fallout should be capitalized since it is the title of a series
DC should be capitalized
MLP Should be capitalized
And there should be a space between Fallout and 3

I'll leave more advice when I actually read it tommorrow

You have some really neat ideas and great potential here. However, it is really hard as a reader to lose myself in the story when there are so many grammar issues. Capitalization is one issue, but the bigger ones I see here involve sentence punctuation and sentence flow. You are leaning really heavily on commas, creating a lot of run-on sentences, where a period would be more appropriate.

For example, look at this paragraph from Chapter 1:
"three hours into the night, and there was a loud crack from outside, wake me up, it sounded like a thunder, i get to the window that was not more than a big hole on one of the walls, and see, to my horror, the biggest storm just above the station, "I need to flee this building now!" i screamed in my head, it was the first time i saw the sky like this, with big a threatening looking clouds, with thunderbolts on the horizon, i exit the store only to see on the burned floor, some kind of lizard that its sleeping while sucking his claw, "heh I didn’t know the wasteland mutations behave as people while sleeping" asilly thought of the posible agresive creature, crossed my mind, strage enough the storm seemed to be desapearing, so i focused on the creature at my feet."

I'm no stranger to thick paragraphs, but this entire thing is only two sentences when it should be broken up a lot more. Combine that with spelling errors, changes in your verb tense (moving from was to is) and dropped capitals that should mark the start of a sentence (or quoted speech), and you have a writing style that turns readers away in droves.

"Three hours into the night, and there was a loud crack from outside woke me up. It sounded like a thunder. I got to the window that was not more than a big hole on one of the walls, and see to my horror, the biggest storm just above the station. "I need to flee this building now!" I screamed in my head. It was the first time I saw had seen the sky like this. With big a threatening looking clouds, with and thunderbolts on the horizon, I exited the store only to see on the burned floor, some kind of lizard that its sleeping while sucking his claw some kind of lizard sucking its claw as it slept on the burnt floor. "Heh, I didn’t know the wasteland mutations behave as people while sleeping," a silly thought of the possibly aggressive creature crossed my mind. Strangely enough the storm seemed to be desapearingdisappearing, so I focused on the creature at my feet."

I edited for capitalization, spelling, punctuation, and changing verb tense. I also changed the order of some sentences to make them more clear for a reader.

I'd encourage you to use something like Microsoft Word or Open Office while you write because this will automatically check for and highlight most of spelling and grammar issues for you. You may also want to find a proofreader willing to help you read and edit your stories.

It was too hard for me to get into the story with all of the grammar and punctuation issues, but you seriously do have lots of potential here. The few paragraphs I did read seem interesting, and would bring in some curious readers if you tweaked them a little. Practice makes perfect, so be sure to keep at it! :twilightsmile:

Login or register to comment