Author Insert
Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight Sparkle was positively giddy, which was an unusual state for most of Equestrian royalty, who tended, in general, to be rather restrained in their display of emotions, the Royal Canterlot Voice notwithstanding. As was often the case the lavender alicorn was an exception to the rule.
There was a fairly short list of things that caused this condition in ponydom's newest princess:
Getting to spend time having fun with her friends.
Any sort of compliment or otherwise positive reinforcement from Princess Celestia.
A freshly completed checklist.
Literature.
It was a combination of all four of Princess Twilight's giddiness inducers that had her in such a state today. She'd used her newfound royal clout to arrange a literary symposium and book signing in Ponyville at the Golden Oaks Library with some of Equestria's most prominent authors, an idea which had garnered her a complimentary letter from her former mentor in Canterlot.
Naturally, such a momentous occasion meant that her friends had all been dragooned into helping out with the event, at the very least in the interest of keeping Twilight from getting carried away organizing and possibly exploding a couple of times from self induced stress. Ponies might be able to spontaneously grow wings, but some things never changed.
Rarity had outdone herself in arranging the decor. Applejack was in charge of the punch bowl and canapes (Even though Twilight and Rarity had long since despaired of getting her not to pronounce it "ka-napes".) Pinkie was seconded to both mares as pastry chef and streamer hanger, mostly because she was good at both jobs but also because Rarity and Applejack's influence would leaven her tendency to get frosting and confetti all over the books if given half a chance. Rainbow Dash had been given the job of not pestering A.K. Yearling too much, and Fluttershy, despite her aversion to gatherings, had agreed take on the arduous task of keeping Dash from pestering A.K. Yearling too much.
And thus Princess Sparkle stood by the door with Spike at her side, resplendent in her crown and an appropriately literate looking tweed jacket and skirt provided by Rarity (of course), hopping on the tips of her hooves with her wings flared and a wide smile on her face. The diminutive dragon held a long roll of parchment and a quill in his claws, his best bow tie glittering about his neck.
The lavender alicorn ruffled her wings and smiled down at her assistant and spoke in a vivacious whisper. "Guests of honor start arriving. Check!"
She smiled over her shoulder and watched the great P.G. Wodehorse, celebrated wit, bon vivant, and comedy author of the hilarious 'Sleeves and Hoofster' series, make his slightly unsteady way to the punch bowl and strike up a pleasant conversation with Rarity while his urbane coltservant looked on with a wryly cocked eyebrow and the faintest smirk on his otherwise impassive face.
Twilight turned her attention back to the door as a loud knock sounded. Opening it, she was confronted by a tall, leanly muscular earth pony stallion with a flowing black mane and intense grey eyes. He was wrapped in a leopard skin, which had been incongruously accessorized with a striped tie.
She could only gawp at him as he drew himself up and tapped himself on his broad chest with a hoof. "Me E.R. Barrels. You Princess Twilight Sparkle." He stopped talking with a small bow.
The lavender princess blinked away her bemusement and summoned forth a winning smile. "Oh! The author of 'Swinging Vine, Pony of the Jungle'."
This earned her a terse nod. "Mmm. Me also wrote 'Strong Carthorse, Warpony of Mars' books."
She lashed her tail and maintained her pleasant expression. "It's an honor to have such a prolific author join us today."
He gave a shrug. "Meh. It good work when me get it. It let me buy extra horseshoes for wife."
Twilight fought to keep her mind from wandering down a rather silly tangent as her smile tightened. She'd read the science fantasy series the sullen faced stallion had mentioned, and found herself idly wondering just how many sets of horseshoes his wife might need to wear at once.
She flicked away that train of thought like flicking away parasprites with her tail and mustered more vivaciousness. "Well... Good! Welcome to the symposium."
Another economical to the point of imperceptabe nod. "Mmm. Thank you. Me happy promote literature."
He looked around with a slight smile tweaking the corners of his mouth as she stepped aside to let him in. "Nice place. Me like tree very much."
She traded a wan glance and a shrug with Spike as he moved into the crowd of mingling readers. They could hear his voice rise above a a deep monotone for the first time over by the buffet. "Oo! Bananas! It me lucky day!"
Twilight looked up to see a tawny orange pegasus mare in a cloche hat and glasses standing in the doorway with a smile on her face. At least that was all she saw for about ten seconds, before her vision was obscured by a multicolored mane and tail and a pair of flaring cyan wings. The brash, sandy voice of Rainbow Dash rang over the murmur of the crowd as the lavender princess craned her neck to see around her plumage. "Daring DO! It is totally AWESOME to see you again!"
The mare in the door skittishly cleared her throat and glanced around as she tried to extricate her hoof from the chromatic pegasus' grip. "Uh... I'm... uh... Glad you're such a fan, but Daring Do is just a character I created. She's... heh heh... not real."
She gritted her teeth and leaned in to whisper at her overenthusiastic welcome committee. "Ixnay on the Aring Day Oo Day."
Dash stopped pumping her hoof and blinked, mouthing the words to herself. She got a canny expression on her face as she gave the beleaguered author a wink. "Ixnay on the... OH! Ohhhh. Riiiiight."
She resumed shaking the newcomer's hoof as she called over her shoulder in an exaggerated voice. "WELCOME TO THE BOOK SHINDIG, A.K. YEARLING. I'M SORRY I GOT EXCITED AND CONFUSED YOU WITH DARING DO, WHO IS JUST A CHARACTER LIKE YOU SAID AND ISN'T YOUR SECRET IDENTITY OR ANYTHING."
She nodded in satisfaction and gave Yearling another broad wink as the authoress hung her head with a sigh and slapped a hoof to her forehead.
Twilight rolled her eyes and gave a small huff as her horn sparked to life, teleporting Dash across the room with a pop and twin bursts of white light. She estimated it would take her rainbow maned friend at least thirty seconds to recover her bearings and come back, long enough for her to step forward and shake hooves with one of her literary idols. "Ms. Yearling, I'm so grateful that you could make time in your busy schedule to join us today."
Yearling returned the hoofshake with a warm smile. "It's my pleasure, your highness. It's nice to get a little credit for saving the world once in a while, even if it's only the novelizations that ponies ever seem to take notice of."
Twilight's ears edged back a little as what the tawny pegasus just said sank in, but she maintained her cordial expression. She gave a wan little smirk. "I know what you mean..."
The authoress cocked an eyebrow. "Oh? You saved the world?"
The lavender alicorn pursed her lips and pawed at the ground as they let go of one another's hooves. "Um... yes. Me and my friends. A couple times in fact."
Yearling replied with a distracted air as she looked the library over. " Huh... Who'da thunk it. You'll have to tell me about that sometime."
Twilight sputtered a bit. "But... but... there are stained glass windows in the Hall of Significant Events... we... we got a write up in the Foal Free Press... we..."
She let out a defeated sigh and slouched petulantly as she sensed that her illustrious literary guest was starting to tune out of the conversation. "Maybe it would be easier to serialize the story in 'Maregosy' or the 'Saturday Evening Hitching Post'."
Yearling gave her an absent nod. "Mmm. Sounds like it'd be a good read. Now if you'll pardon me, your highness, I can't help but notice you've got bananas at the buffet. Thanks again for the invite."
Twilight's expression was deadpan as she gave a weary flick of her tail. "Enjoy."
She turned as she felt the slightest, most tentative tap on her shoulder, and saw a cringing, apologetic Fluttershy at her side. "Twilight. I'm so sorry but Dash got away from me. Have you seen her around?"
The lavender princess swiveled an ear followed by the bob of a horn in the same direction as she heard a sandy voice chattering away about the adventures of Daring Do. She couldn't bring herself to look. "She's over by the buffet... pestering A.K. Yearling."
She wilted inside at the crestfallen, ever so soft reply. "Oh..."
Fluttershy rustled her wings and got a determined look on her face, at least the half that was visible behind her draping forelock. "I've got this, Twilight. I'll distract her so Ms. Yearling can eat her bananas in peace."
Twilight let out another sigh and watched as the soft yellow pegasus made her way across the room and took up a position just at the edge of Rainbow Dash's vision, where she started up a stream of barely audible calls for attention. "Excuse me... I hate to interrupt... I'm sorry... Um... Pardon me, Rainbow... Um… *squeak*".
Meanwhile, the chromatic maned pegasus ignored her and kept up her own stream of patter, loudly musing on potential love interests in future Daring Do stories to an increasingly nonplussed author/protagonist. A.K. Yearling looked to Twilight as if she were dearly hoping for a blowgun dart or ceiling crocodile to extract her from the conversation.
Her head whipped around to the sound of the library's door slamming, and there she saw a very pallid looking pony with large, limpid eyes, swaddled in a heavy overcoat, galoshes, and scarf despite it being a pleasantly warm, sunny day outside. He was pressed against the door as if holding it shut against something horrible outside, and Twilight thought she glimpsed some incongruous movement beneath his scarf as he craned his neck to peer out the window.
She exchanged a glance with Spike and pawed at the ground as she cleared her throat. "Um... hello?"
He flinched and met her gaze, causing another tingle of unease to run down her back as she took note of the odd shape of his pupils. He spoke up in a thick voice with a slight gurglling undertone. "I wouldn't want to alarm you, miss, but there are... earth ponies outside. This whole town is… crawling with them."
This drew Twilight up short, and she cocked her head. "Excuse me?"
A distant look settled on his long, pale face. "Walking around on their... hooves. Stepping in... things." His lips curled back a bit, briefly revealing a row of triangular teeth as he drew in on himself a little and shuddered.
Twilight extended a tentative hoof of her own, which caused him to flinch back in alarm. "Um... And you are?"
He shook off his paranoid reverie and seemed to remember his manners, gingerly taking her hoof in his galoshed fetlock and giving it a quick shake. She felt her own lip pull back a little as she felt it squish beneath the rubber.
His sickly smile wasn't anything to write home about either. "H.P. Glubcraft at your service, your highness. I'm most grateful for the invitation."
Twilight self consciously wiped her hoof on the floor as she tried to summon something resembling a winning smile. "Oh... Oh yes. Author of "Shadow Over of Hoofinmouth" and "The Whinnyer In Darkness". Very scary stuff."
She reluctantly gestured with a wing toward the library's interior. "Please, uh... make yourself at home."
An unnervingly cagey look washed across the horror author's features as he looked over the thickly packed library shelves. "Oh... I plan to..."
Twilight shook out of another shudder as he scuttled away with an oddly fluid gait, and turned to exchange a shrug with Spike.
A silvery clearing of the throat at her side drew her attention, and by the tiny hearts that had begun to manifest over her diminutive dragon assistant's spiny head she knew at once who it was. She turned to see Rarity and P.H. Wodehorse's coltservant standing there. Her fashionable friend was looking a bit preoccupied, from the way she was biting her lip and glancing warily around the room.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Rarity? What's the matter?"
Her alabaster hued friend leaned in to whisper to her. "This is terribly awkward, darling. It seems that through a series of improbable misunderstandings Mister Wodehorse and I have somehow become engaged to be married."
The lavender princess could only gape at her. "Wh... what?"
At this, Wodehorse's valet cleared his throat and gave an urbane bow of his head. "If your highness would allow me to interject, I've come up with a way to extract my employer and the lovely Miss Rarity from their mutual predicament, but I am going to need a distraction of some sort."
Before Twilight could reply, a wide eyed A.K. Yearling came galloping up with a yammering Dash and an ineffectually interjecting Fluttershy in tow. She had a look of extreme agitation verging on panic on her face "Princess! Did you seriously invite H.P. Glubcraft to come to a library?"
The lavender alicorn cocked an eyebrow. "What's wrong with anypony coming to a library? That's the whole point of this symposium!"
The pegasus gave a rapid shake of her head and pressed her case. "Let me rephrase. Did you seriously invite H.P. Glubcraft to a library where you have 'The Nieghcronomicon', 'The Enchiwhinnyon', and 'The Big Book of Eldrich Abominations' on open display under a construction paper and glitter glue banner that says 'Reading Is Awesome'?"
On the verge of sensory overload, Twilight gave a shaky smile. "Um... Yes?"
Yearling grasped her by the lapels of her tweed jacket and began to shake her, all while shoving an implacably talkative Dash away with a rear hoof. "Are you INSANE?"
Their ears perked up as a lull in the general buzz of conversation allowed Glubcraft's burbling voice to carry over to them from the "Reading Is Awesome" display. "Ia! What a quaint and curious tome of forgotten lore! Reading truly is awesome!"
A.K. Yearling leapt into the air with a frantic beat of her wings and launched herself toward him. "NO!"
***
Terrified ponies galloped in all directions as cyclopean, sickly glowing, squamous tentacles wrapped around the library tree, bending it into strange, non-euclidian shapes as a manic piping filled the air.
Twilight ran along at A.K. Yearling's side, with Spike catatonically clinging to the tatters of her tweed jacket while staring off into space and muttering to himself. "Ia. Ia. Shoobedoo Shoobedoo..."
The scowling princess turned to the author/adventurer scrambling for cover at her side, rolling her eyes in annoyance as she composed an emergency letter to Princess Celestia in her head. "Doesn't anypony in Equestria just write freakin' FICTION?"
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The exact moment I lost it.
Very funny, dude. Though, I feel I missed a few jokes for not being more well-read. I got the Tarzan, Lovecraft, and of course the AK Yearling jokes, but the first guy went right over my head.
Still, a great short and sweet tale of insanity ending in eldritch abominations terrorizing Ponyville. What more could you ask for in a one-shot?
Hah! This was a fun little read, and being such a fan of pony-puns, the humour's very much to my tastes. Loved Glubcraft in particular.
4018507
You need to look yourself up some P.G. Wodehouse. There's an awesome TV series based on his "Jeeves & Wooster" stories with Hugh Laurie and Steven Fry absolutely defining the title roles. It's light screwball comedy set in 1920s thru 1950s Britian, about a dim witted but urbane gentleman and his hyper competant gentleman's gentleman.
Thanks, tho. I'm mighty glad you dug it.
4018507 Yeah, I lost it there too.
Ah poop, I was so long writing up who P G Wodehouse was, Warren b eat me too it. And more succinctly as well.
Anyway, an amusing story. The ending was wonderful.
That's a curiously specific denial, so you're an even-toes ungulate then?
Does such a creature even exist in this world?
This episode makes this story work.
4018671
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0c/Cow_female_black_white.jpg
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/9b/Icelandic_sheep_summer_06.jpg
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b7/White-tailed_deer.jpg
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e7/Buffalo_American_animal.jpg
They do seem to turn up on this planet.
I'm not one of those either.
Lol! I almost didn't bother to read this. Boy would that have been a mistake. Loved it.
4018507
What?!
You need to read P.G. Wodehouse immediately. At least read or watch some Jeeves and Wooster. Do it right now!
No no no, that's by Edgar Allan Pony! Gah!
4018844
Lovecraft was a fan, though.
4018865
I'll admit, when he first came in, I thought that's who he was.
Hmmm... has anypony ever seen the two of them together?
Over all quite amusing, although I really laughed when Rarity ended up engaged to Wodehorse.
Evidently not. Now I'm imagining pony-Terry Pratchett in a tattered bathrobe with a pointy hat reading "AUTHHOR" in absences-of-sequins. Or as a seven-foot tall skeleton, given who shows up in every Discworld novel...
Also, this does a great job of explaining why no one in Equestria seems to know who the Mane Six are: none of them have written about it!
A great read. Thank you for it.
4018671 Or could be a bunny like I am.
4018507
The best way to know who Wodehouse is is to read him, or nearly as good, to read the best pony pastiche of him I could find: "The Rummy Business of Old Blooey" by Cloud Wander.
While I'm at it, I might as well suggest "Whip and Wing" by Fernin as my recommended Daring Do pastiche, and "Fillystata" by adcoon as my favorite Lovecraftian crossover.
Really enjoyed this piece. With all the authors showing up, I wonder what happened if the pony version of George RR Martin showed up.
-W.S.
Meh. Needs more Allan Quarterhorse. (Or perhaps Horse Rider Haggard?)
4021633
perhaps simply Horse Rider H. But considering most of these authors are post turn of the century, he was simply too old to attend a symposium.
I for one lost it when H.P. started complaining about earth ponies, nice job using the real authors xenophobia in a story about all their tales being thinly disguised biographies. Would have been even better if he knew E.R. Barrels, considering they were pen pals for years. (Lovecraft and Barrows that is).
You know what, I want to read a Strong Carthorse fic now.
EDIT: Dammit, I confused Barrows with R.E. Howard again. Howard wrote Conan, not Tarzan, and Howard, not Barrows was pen pals with Lovecraft.
4021566 floppy wieners... floppy wieners everywhere.
southparkstudios.mtvnimages.com/images/shows/southpark/vertical_video/season_17/1709/south-park-1709-titties-and-dragons-ANIME-clip08.jpg
4018719 that's just what one of them would say! I'm on to you, ungulate!
(that, and 'moo'. But I don't think the second one is applicable right now.)
oh you
great story!
4021566
Well, given the conceit of this story, that all writers are parts of their own stories, I think George RR Maretin would be in jail as a mass-murdering psychopath. Admittedly, Twi would probably wrangle a temporary release for him, but still...
Great story - on the one hand, it might have been fun to see a few more authors turn up (Nagatha Christie, JRR Koltien, Dock-less Adams, Lewis Corral, Ian Foaleming, the list is endless), but on the other, that'd probably overwhelm things pretty quickly, and this selection made for a very entertaining little one-shot. And that last line... yes!
Admittedly, the AK Yearling pun doesn't work so well with the story, but that's the fault of the show. Other than that, the only criticism I have is that Barrel's "creation" should have been Tarpan.
So, yeah, great story.
...
Hmm...
AA Mulne
Beatrix Trotter
Roger Hargraze
Wonder what else we can come up with
4022852
Arthur C. Clop? Admittedly, him showing up might be a problem, owing to how he'd have likely become a Star-Foal by now.
No Blandings castle or pig references? For shame sir. For. Shame.
Other than that, that was quite brilliant, I read Jeeve's lines in his voice. Always the best thing to do.
Bit with Rarity? PERF***Ingection. It's exactly the kind of thing that could happen.
Bravo
I wish this was longer, but I'm happy you did it anyway.
4022056
Er... I guess I'll succumb to pedantry and point out it was Burroughs, not Barrows.
I considered a Robert Howard pony but figured it'd be too repetitive with E.R. Barrels (horse puns are hard)
4022962
Or else he'd just show up and point out how any sufficiently advanced magic was indistinguishable from technology.
4022852
Good one with Tarpan, but maybe a bit too obscure for the casual reader.
I tried to stick to authors who used initials in their pen names, although I cheated a bit with E.R.B..
The part with 'Glubcraft' was great. Truly great story, I really did enjoy this.
This is what made it for me.
4027170
Ooh, yeah. Ponies would come to blows over that, I'll bet.
4027166
And that is why I should Google before I post in the middle of the night.
And what would Howards's pony name be anyway? R.E. Hardtack? Howdah? E.R. Barrels is the superior pun.
Quite interesting read. I found Rainbow Dash somewhat grating, but it works beautifully in the story.
This made me wonder how Science Fiction would work in Equestria. Or better, Space Opera
4018507
I can also reccomend Canterlot Follies by Lady Moondancer for all your pony Wodehouse needs.
4028665
The same as regular opera, except everypony would be wearing bubble helmets and drinking Tang.
I love everything about this story, but the comment about 'Maregosy' just delights me no ed for some reason. Maybe because I was surprised to see a reference to the old Argosy magazine here on FIMfic.
So. You're not an odd-toed ungulate, eh?
Ergo, you must be a camel. There is no other possibility.
4032756
No, I'm not a camel. But I can walk like one...
4035323
NO. OTHER. POSSIBILITY.
This was an enjoyable read. You have a superb vocabulary. I do strongly feel this could have easily been fleshed out by another 1000 words worth of awkward interactions, but as it is it is still lovely. Have a great day!
4037283
There are other options. Vis.
That being said, they still don't apply.
I don't know why, but I loved the little nod to Lovecraft's racism.
Also, ancient tomes of forbidden lore under a "Reading is Awesome" banner is hilarious. I can't help but imagine Levar Burton summoning a shoggoth or something now.
I love Dash and Fluttershy's tasks for the symposium.
Dash’s ability to be subtle is in a league of its own.
Uh oh
I wish I knew what the reference was on this, but it sounds hilarious. *checks the comments* Ahh, gotcha.
Figures that it would end with eldritch abominations terrorizing Ponyville. And I'm with Jake, the Shoobedoo bit is what killed me.
That was a fun read. I loved the Burroughs parody (the pony and the book parodies); I got into the Barsoom series a while ago, and was pretty thrilled when the decades-late movie was announced.
Never thought of describing Dash's voice as "sandy". That sounds like the perfect adjective for it.
Thanks for reminding me to watch Jeeves and Wooster.
This was nice
4022852 For some reason I see Nagatha as either a Donkey or a Camel. No idea why
Excellent fic and my goodness I miss Jeeves and Wooster
Excellent story. Excellent story.
It does happen to have hit on a minor pet peeve of mine, though - in the books, Tarzan didn't talk like that. By the end of the first book, he was able to speak perfect French and English (he learnt to speak French before he learnt to speak English, but he learnt to read and write English before he learnt to read and write French) and he learnt several other languages as well over the course of his long life (and it was very long, he once found and took the cure for old age).
That whole "Me Tarzan you Jane" business came from horribly inferior adaptations.
...your story still gets an upvote and a favourite, though. It's a really good story.
4287189
Yes, I'm aware that the literary Lord Greystoke wasn't the monosyllabic dolt that Johnny Weissmuller's portrayal fixed in the popular consciousness, but sometimes ya gotta paint with broad strokes, trading accuracy for ease of recognition , to get your point across succinctly.
Thanks for reading. Glad you enjoyed it.
Spike, take a memo, if you please:
For those who were wondering why I, George R. R. Mareton, wasn't at the event in question, the answer is simple. I chose not to go and share the room with a lesser author.
You see, the Baltimare Sun recently stated that A. K. Yearling is, and I quote, "...the all-time bestselling author in the history of Equestria." I beg to differ. My last four novels (A Clash of Colts, A Storm of Stallions, A Feats for Fillies and A Prance with Pegasi) all reached number one on the Manehatten Times bestseller list. Anypony knows that there is no way such lightweight fare as the Daring Do novels would ever sell as well as a complex, multi-layered fantasy with plotlines as tangled as an uncombed mane.
Yes, ponies do have to wait a few years between books, but good work takes time to craft. Yearling pops out Daring Do novels too quickly - a pony would almost suspect she ghost-writes for another, somepony actually living these adventures. But that would be rubbish.
So, anyway, I declined the invitation. Besides, when I go to large events, ponies tend to be nervous anyway. I simply don't understand why.
Yours,
GRRM
4040992 Would you happen to be a cervine? Or an exploding supermonkey?