A llama free of the distressing pungency so common among its fellows.
Going for a midnight outing Luna runs into a young pegasus. She tells him the story of a time she duelled with Discord in a game of wits...
Written for AugieDog's Luna Contest
Thanks to Mike for all the advice. Thanks also to my lovely wife who put up with me and proofread even though she really doesn't get this fanfiction thing....
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Adding to Luna Is The Best Pony
Oh goodness yes this is very wonderful.
Some of the punctuation around quotes could use work, mostly by being added in.
i am laughing so hard right now, i made a port city on minecraft that i named "lunas landing" long before this came out
I really liked this, absurd in all the best ways
Now:
I'm not marking down for punctuation, but it would make my inner pedant stop poking me in the medulla oblongata if you would please go through and put periods in all those places where a sentence now ends with a quotation mark. Just one little period before each of those poor, lonely "close quotes" will make them so much happier...
Mike
And so, by popular demand, I have now added: punctuation! I hope. Good grief there's a lot of dialog in this thing...
Thanks to everyone for the comments - this is the first time I've had the guts to actually publish anything so your feedback is appreciated.
The dialogue was a joy to read. Thanks for sharing this little bit of fun with us.
4027263
I believe it's still missing a fair amount of commas, but it's already quite better.
Also:
I believe you inverted "the" and "penny". Also, I believe you have an extra double quote in there. It got my programmer sense tingling
Interesting story. I liked your pre-harmony Discord, and you created some interesting images.
4035710
Whoops! Good catch, thanks!
Thank you - I appreciate the feedback!
Scene 1: Do another search-and-replace pass — "it's" is an abbreviation for "it is", and possessives need to lose the apostrophe. Still, beyond the easily picked-at nits, good first impression.
Oh sweet stars, this is marvelous. Shades of Wodehouse or Pratchett.
(Oh sweet stars)^2. I am sensing in the hidden author behind our respective words-on-a-page — as Scansion would say — a kindred spirit. There is much to love here, and I leave that deliberately metatextually ambiguous.
I have to come up for breath here to comment that this is glorious. I had meant to keep peppering in commentary along the way. I was too drawn in to notice.
This is magical.
My gods, even the little detail of which direction she plays.
This story needs an aggressive editing pass to deal with some basic punctuation and grammar errors (do you want some help with that? have you worked with any editors or other authors/prereaders here?), but the fundamentals are solid and this was a delightful read from end to end. If you're willing and able to do a little cleanup, this is going to go straight into my userpage's Top 10 Criminally Underrated Stories and I'm going to see where else I can plug it.
This competition, man. Getting nervous about my chances again.
4040149
Grr - can't believe I missed that.
Oh God yes! Please! I've lurked around here for a while but this is the first time I've ever published anything. My wife and a friend of mine helped me edit the thing on friday (and they found stacks of errors so this could have been much, much worse). I was too exhausted by the whole process to take advantage of the extended deadline. The punctuation thing is definitely a weakness I need to work on and any help will be much, much appreciated!
Both definitely. Been a Pratchett fan basically all my life and a huge Wodehouse fan since I discovered him in high school. To date Wodehouse is the only author who can make me laugh out loud just by the way he phrases a sentence (well okay, maybe Douglas Adams as well).
Dude - if you don't win it'll be a travesty of justice
I... umm... *speechless*
Didn't read this one last after all! Punctuation errors, especially missing commas, are a huge issue for me; the fact that I still enjoyed this fic in spite of its many, many offenses says wonders. I really hope you clean it up, 'cause you've got a damn fine story on your hands and I'd hate for anyone's appreciation of it to be diminished due to something so superficial
4055588
Then I'm happy to mention that horizon, at great peril to himself, has volunteered to wade in with a fedora and a whip to clean the thing up. I may have to nominate him for sainthood. I'm glad you liked it - thanks for reading!
Mmmm, this is great banter. I love it.
Why did Luna already know Lucky Packet's story? It is revealed to the reader that their initial meeting (at least tonight, we can infer they have met before) was an accidental impact.
This didn't detract from my enjoyment of the story, but it did leave me wondering. Did I, perchance, miss something?
4075377
Nope - you didn't miss anything. To be honest I never gave too much thought as to how Luna knew what was going on. My explanation - which I am making up on the spot - is that there is a very convenient telescope which would allow Luna to see quite a lot of Canterlot if she just pointed it the right direction.
Great story
4080395
I just chalked it up to 'Princess' Intuition' - Luna knows a thing or two about inner darkness and I think she might have just spotted in the way Lucky Packet was talking and such, I've seen it done a fair bit in fics where Luna or Celestia seem to figure things like that out with very little info. I guess it's a perk of living for a few thousand years.
Loved the story by the way, yet another to add to my favourites!
Hey, I wrote a review of this story. In case you are interested, it can be found here.
Overall, I loved the concept of the story, as well as how you wrote the interaction between Discord and Luna. I feel it is a bit rough around the edges, but the core is solid enough for me to overlook much of it.
5679279
Hi Soge, I appreciate the review! Thanks for reading!
Truelly an excelant story, I really enjoyed reading such a master piece, finding about the past is always AMAZING to discover, who would have thought that Luna would play a game with Discord. This is really an AMAZING story, I would love to see more of this in the future. You did an AMAZING job composing such an insightful story (well at least in my eyes) Good Luck, and keep up with your AWESOME tallent
10 out of 10
Obtuse at times, but overall a nice sidestory.