I had heard the rumors about the disappearances. I thought they were a hoax. You see there is a rumor about people dressing up as villains at conventions that suddenly vanish in a flash of light. So what. that's impossible just a gimmick the convention promoters use to make people feel hardcore about going to conventions. Boy I was wrong. One moment I am about to tear a Brony a new one the next I'm about to tear A Pony a new one. Now I look like and sound like a cartoon villain and I'm being treated like one too. My solution Burn everything to the ground and have a good time doing it.
Inspired by stories like Dark Vulcan, Screw the rules ,and F*** it I'm having fun
Chapters (4)
its doing great so far
Interesting please continue this
Oh my god!
Angel beats Valmont ten times out of ten!
Very interesting can't wait to read more.
WOW, Shendu is a really interesting villain choice, I wonder if it he'll meet the other Villains of our little group, or maybe work to bring his brothers and sisters to the world. Whatever he does I'm sure it will be fun to watch. Also Angel bunny being his servant?! that is brilliant.
You're gonna show a "how we got here" right?
I don't not thumbs this up due to actually reading it, but merely to support the Rebel's fight against the false king's tyranny.
Does he have all of Shendu's powers? With the demon sorcery and the talisman magic?
you mean
And with that and the tiger talisman, can't he turn into a female earth pony, split himself, then force the good one to duplicate itself? Then rejoin, and use the duplicate to get it?
So Angel bunny is a girl? And an ex male pony?
4021225 No The magic of the pool was killing him because he was all 3 of the things it hated most by changing his form into a bunny Angel was saved because he no longer fit most of the criteria that the magic was targeting. He only fits the male criteria so he will have a little bit of trouble but not at lethal levels. Shendu cant move at all even if he changed form because he lacks the Rat. Also the tiger talisman doesn't split a person into a male and female versions of themselves. It just separates their Yin from their Yang. I hope that helped explain things.
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120412040939/jackiechanadventures/images/e/ee/Shendu_15.png
Smashing though your walls~
Caving in your face~
(Demonic Laughter)
Hm...
Dragon = Fire Blasts
Pig = Eye Beams
Sheep = Astral Projection
Ox = Uber, not just Super, Strength
Rabbit = Uber Speed
Tiger = Power Balance, and when broken, Duplication between good and evil. Likely to keep user from getting a swelled head with all this power.
Monkey = Motion to the motionless... including himself as a statue.
Rat = Willful Polymorph
Snake = Invisibility
Dog = Immortality
Horse = Regeneration
Rooster = Levitation
,,, Dog + Horse = Cannot feel pain and instant regeneration.
... Rooster + Rabbit = Super-sonic flight
... Sheep is always mocked as useless... it needs to find some use, somehow.
this is awesome
4021225 Angle is guys. Maybe not this fic as I haven't read it yet ( I like to read the comments to see if it's anygood unless it's complete) but if something went wrong or if the author just wanted Angel to be a girl, maybe so.
4022885 Well he can use it for spying. I think later episodes also showed it can rip souls out.
4018989 Valmont was a wuss AND a puss! granted he could dish it out better than I can but that's not exactly in bragging range
4023162 displace the soul if the person is asleep, in coma or something along those lines
liking this so far
ANGEL BUNNY?!?
Instant favorite.
Actually Rat is Motion to the Motionless and Monkey is shape shifting.
4023452
4022885
Yeah Daolon Wong used the sheep's power to displace the astral forms of Jade and Jackie(while they were awake) and then used a spell to prevent them from returning to their bodies. So if this guy has the magical knowledge of Shendu he can probably do something similar.
Wow. Nearly everything needs an overhaul with this. You weren't kidding when you said it was your first story.
Okay, first suggestion, and this is actually pretty important -- every published author will tell you this: read. But not just read casually (although that's not to condemn casual reading for non-writers and writers alike). Study the structure of the text on the pages. The paragraphs, punctuation, dialogue, pacing, characterization, etc. The different styles of various authors. It'll help build up your vocabulary, so you're not relying on the same words again and again. If you want to write a good story, you need to read allot, even things you might not like or books that are just plain bad. They give you a good idea of what NOT to do. Trust me, being an avid reader will give you good perspective on how to write.
So, now, the most obvious issue with this: paragraphs. You need more than just a text-wall breaking paragraph every now and then. You have a whole section of back-and-forth dialogue that is only broken up by quotation marks and brackets, which is improper. Unless for certain circumstances, you need to break almost each line of dialogue with a new paragraph, to avoid confusion of which character it speaking. I'll give you a revised version of the dialogue in question, with commentary to point out what I changed:
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I uncloak and ask in an annoyed tone, “You better have a good explanation for being late.” [When you write a sentence to present someone is about to speak, you add a comma. In this case, after 'tone' I added the comma to signal a switch to dialogue.]
"Sorry, master, I had to convince her to let me go alone. But I have good news, sir." [I added more commas. "Sorry, master, I had..." When someone states the title of a person, you add commas before and after the title in question, unless the sentence ends with a title "...good news, sir."]
I became intrigued and asked, “What good news?”
He hopped up closer and said, "I overheard [You spelled 'overheard' as two separate words, which is incorrect] Pinkie Pie and Twilight talking about the mirror pool, and it seems that Pinkie Pie plans to use it and is on her way here as we speak."
I laugh and say, ”Yes, my chance has come at last. Good job, you are forgiven, now go before your cover is blown.”
He nods and says, "I'll head back to the picnic now," and scurried out of the cave. [When you have a sentence structured this way: where there is descriptive narration, "Dialogue," and more descriptive narration, you add a comma at the end of the dialogue instead of a period, because the narration carries on from the dialogue. Also, you capitalized 'picnic' when you didn't need to.]
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Secondly is description. Particularly that of the first character's surroundings. You added an image to get across what you were trying to describe, which is really cheap. Especially when you already described the area in the first place. While the description itself was rather mundane and could have used some finesse, it still described the very basics of the surroundings.
"The Cave has some mushrooms, glowing moss, and a giant pool that is as reflective as a high quality mirror. And that's it." [That was the original description. Like I said, it was very basic and unimaginative. But it still told us where the character was, so adding the image was pointless. I'm sure you probably wanted the reader to envision it the way you did, which is sometimes okay (a good example of images with books would be Stephen King's 'Dark Tower' series, which has various illustrations within the pages), but this was just an excuse to force your readers to see something which, if they've actually seen the mirror pool episode, they already know about.]
Now, as an example, I'll add a shorty entry as to how I would personally describe the scene:
"I could see my own reflection, nearly flawless, in an eerily still pool centered in the cave. Its banks were peppered with plump mushrooms and carpets of moss that had a soft luminescent glow. In the light I could see a strange breed of flower that apparently did not need sunlight to survive. Perhaps the glow of the moss was somehow enough for the plants. It is a strange and ethereal place, but it is unbearably dull after being cooped up in here for as long as I have."
Description is about immersing the readers, and going into detail instead of just listing the basic sights. Or adding an image. I could understand if you were showcasing some fan art. To give credit to someone who liked a scene in your story enough to spend their time trying to express how they saw it. But the one you used looks like some sort of stock image from the Pony Generator, unless I'm mistaken. You didn't credit it, after all. Even if it's something that seems like a public domain piece, credit is due. Unless you made it yourself, but then that would just be the perfect opportunity to draw some attention to your art as well. It's better to just credit the image, now matter how obscure.
Also, there was a section of back story that confused me for a moment, and caused me to re-read it (I'll go again into paragraphs, because they're important to the flow of a story, and in showing the reader which direction the narration is going.
You began a sentence, "Three years ago, he had the nerve to steal me from the Canterlot Museum vault, ..." proceeded to explain how this character got to where he is, then: "The clown hung me up on one of the walls of this cave like I was some kind of decoration and proceeded to insert my talismans into their hexagonal slots. I woke up just as he was reaching for the fourth talisman." That was when I realized he narrator was describing what had happened in real-time, and not just giving a summary. There are some things you could have corrected to avoid initial confusion, because it annoys readers when they have to re-read something because and author failed to properly convey when the narration was switching from summary to real-time.
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"He better have a good reason for being late this time. Considering his abilities, it shouldn't be difficult for him to be punctual for once.
Three years ago, he had the nerve to steal me from the Canterlot Museum vault, which I must admit, is a pretty amazing feat. He avoided the guards, Celestia's security and even left perfect replicas of me and my talismans. Although, that klutz misplaced half of the replicas and swore to retrieve the rest of the real talismans later. He had decided to use this place as a hideout until he could steal the rest of the talismans. The clown hung me up on one of the walls of this cave like I was some kind of decoration and proceeded to insert my talismans into their hexagonal slots. I had woken up just as he was reaching for the fourth talisman. "
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Note how I made a paragraph between the narrator complaining about his servant's tardiness, and then his recount of how he came to be in the cave. That's to indicate that the narrator is switching subjects (this is particularly important in stories written in a first-person view). Also, I changed "I woke up," to "I had woken up," to indicate that it was still narrator recounting events, instead of reliving them in real-time. Because in the next paragraph the narrator is still explaining the events in the past-tense, not present-tense. You have to watch the tenses. Even the smallest mistake can create allot of confusion for some readers.
Finally I have one last gripe. Near the end, you suddenly switched to a third-person perspective. I don't think there's any particular rule against it, but it's generally frowned upon for an author to do such an about-face in his/her stories. It seems cheap to just go, "lol i can haz third-person nao!" in a story that's first presented in a FP perspective, and it's completely awkward, too. If you really want to, it's acceptable you have more than one FPV for a multitude of characters, but that has its difficulties, too. You have to be very careful to indicate which perception you're switching to, without putting in caps lock between each scene-break, "FLUTTERSHY'S POV," "ANGEL'S POV." That makes it look more like one is reading a script as opposed to the traditional story-format. You have to get creative with how you let a reader know which character's eyes they're seeing through without blatantly spelling it out for them like they were reading a text book, and it really isn't all that difficult in this case, because you'd be basing these views on characters already known from MLP.
But I digress. This shows promise, I suppose. I'm personally not a fan of these kinds of stories, but I happened to stumble on it, saw no one was giving any advice, and thought I should correct you on some things. I recommend you do as many revisions to your rough drafts as you can, before posting. If you bear in mind the things I said, you'll come off as more skilled to people who are more critical of stories. And it's just a good practice to get into the habit of. Self-betterment and all that jazz.
4025673 I'll try to use your advice in the next chapter.I am actually a very voracious reader I read lots of books so I will try to pay attention about how they are written from now on and after I finish the second chapter and revise it I'll come back to this one so that I will not reread the same part over and over again. Thank you for the feedback
So far, so good...
4022885 You have Monkey and Rat backwards, also the Horse Talisman can cure any sickness or disease rather than instant regeneration.
4025464 Ah, that was an episode with the Talisman powers in actual animals... aside from "Dragon". He had to revive Shendu himself to get that, and it backfired horribly.
Sadly, I have not seen all of that season, just the first two, from the first episode to the one in which Shendu succeeds in possessing Jackie and rewrites the Book of Ages.
4028246
Yeah I thought it was a pretty good episode since it showed how the sheep power could have uses in the hands of someone who had magical talent.
1st tip. Do not group separate dialogue lines. That's a big no-no.
2nd tip. Invest in periods. Never let a complete sentence go unpunctuated.
3rd tip. Practice, practice, practice...your grammar...whenever you respond to a comment. If it isn't correct, redo it.
Good story so far. Fix up grammar and punctuation and it would make for a great read. Oh, and great job making Angel the spy... I look foreword to seeing more chapters soon.
4025841 Final advice outside of what that guy already said, (and damn did he say a lot), get an editor. A fresh perspective is always good for a story, and someone more willing to disagree with where you're going is better in the long run.
Besides the fact that he gave some excellent advice and wisdom, there are exceptions to these rules...But I don't have any examples on hand. Oh....and he missed an error. It was related to the word 'he' in a later part of his copy that didn't need to be.
4029072 this is a jackie chan adventures crossover
4029733 oh yeah no one remebers that show (sarcasam)
4029783 ... get out before i force feed you your balls
4025841 4022714
I'm a big Shendu fan. Here some awesome Shendu pics.:
s2.postimg.org/gbbyxbf09/shendu1.png
s15.postimg.org/edo1weue3/shendu2.jpg
s8.postimg.org/boxfohrut/shendu3.jpg
s4.postimg.org/pg12t5gf1/shendu4.jpg
s30.postimg.org/s5am2rx35/shendu5.jpg
s2.postimg.org/4c0gq09fd/shendu6.jpg
s7.postimg.org/4due9xb0b/shendu7.jpg
I really liked the idea, but I would have preferred if you started the story with our hero's initial arrival. But whatever
You did a good job can you do more I want to see what happens next
Oh no., evil pinkie!
IT LIVES!
Awesome to see another chapter. Can't wait to see what happens next.
YES!! FINALLY!!!!!! AN UPDATE!
Looking forward to more
Yay new chapter it was good can't wait for the next chapter
...Forest?
6234771
It was from the Bagua symbol system that Jackie chan adventures used for the demon portals.upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/4d/Bagua-name-earlier.svg/2000px-Bagua-name-earlier.svg.png
Oh that's suppose to be Li the symbol for fire, thanks for catching that.
Awesome, you're giving me some great ideas here, man!
Holy wall-o-texts Badger-sama!~
Awsome can't wait for more chapters
Has anyone done a displaced story about someone becoming Sephiroth yet? also great chapter.
Good chapter more
You should probably bring a hammer to this wall of yours. Other than that keep writing!
When are you doing more
Want more. Also, you have made me want to watch this show again. Need the shadow ninja guys.