Cotton Candy Apples

After a hard day's work on the farm, Applejack decided to take a snooze in her barn. She is awakened multiple times by a raging thunderstorm outside. Giving up on trying to take a nap, she spots a wet maned and heavy hearted Pinkie Pie at her barn. Why would Pinkie Pie be so sad seeing her good friend Applejack?

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Chapters (1)

Comments ( 17 )

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Rough_Draft

Rough_Draft #1 · Feb 21st, 2014 · 1 · ·

It's sweet, but the story itself is rushed. You also seem to switch POV near the end without any transition. But the Apple Pie never tasted better!

keam

keam #2 · Feb 21st, 2014 · 2 · 1 ·

3 dislikes!? what is possibly to dislike with this sweet little ApplePie fic!?
4EVER!

Half Dime

Half Dime #3 · Feb 21st, 2014 · 2 · ·

While I like the idea of this story in theory, the way you pose information was a bit awkward. Your grammar was fine; your spelling was accurate; your pacing was . . . a bit rushed, but not worth noting; but the way you present your information needs some tweaking.

First: you repeated yourself. A lot. Keep in mind when I say this, I don't mean you used the same cluster of words over and over; you gave us the same information multiple times, multiple ways.

. . . as she finished the last of her chores for the day. "That was a mighty tall list of chores for me to do. But Ah got 'em all finished!"

It was a heavy thunderstorm . . . like the storm . . . durin' a storm . . . in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Twice in three sentences you say Applejack's "finished her chores". Repeatedly do you remind us "it's a storm". Even things like:

. . . opened her gorgeous sapphire blue eyes that stared into Applejack's emerald green eyes.

can be repetitive if you're not careful. Using both Applejack and Pinkie Pie's eye colors as two of their few defining traits, especially in such close conjunction, can come off as irritating and should be avoided.

The second thing I noticed was that this read more as a "series of events" than an actual story.

Applejack then tilted her hat over her face and fell right asleep. Sometime later in the day, she was suddenly awoken by a loud booming noise. She was startled from her nap and wondered what happened for a second. She grabbed her hat off the ground and looked out her barnyard door. It was a heavy thunderstorm packing some booming thunder and bright lighting that crackled.

Immediately, she closed her eyes and planted a sweet kiss on Applejack's soft lips. Pinkie leaned into AJ that it caused the both of them to fall into the hay pile behind the blonde maned pony; causing Pinkie to be on top of Apple. Soft moans came from between the two ponies as they kissed each other tenderly.

See what I see? "And, and, and, and . . ." Especially towards the beginning, this story very much mirrored a list of events. Practically all I could think as I was reading was "and then this happened, and this happened, and that happened, and guess what happened next?". Got kind'a old after a while. Being told exactly how it "went down", without ever spending any time analyzing anything.

I apologize if I sound like I'm ragging on you; I'm not. Again, in theory, I really liked this story. I just think some of the duller aspects need to be polished. If you could do that, if you REALLY went back and made some revisions, I think you'd have something here. Something audiences would love and you could boast about.

ParadoxPony