Last Rites

by Slateblu1

Finale

"PRESENT ARMS!"

The sound of seven rifles being loaded and readied was the only sound to break the silence following the order.

"FIRE!"

The first shots went out, echoing, their sound resounding off the trees.

"FIRE!"

The next round bounced off the rocks, the single, sharp note refusing to die.

"FIRE!"

A twenty one rifle salute. The highest honor a pony could receive at the time of their funeral. A reward that had been earned over and over again by this pony. The last, echoing note sounded through the forest, as if the fallen pony's spirit didn't want to be forgotten.

Silence fell. No birds chirped, not wind blew. A stifled sob broke free from the crowd. A choked cry rang out against the pain. Then silence once again reigned.

Slowly, the ponies stood, and made their way out. Most took a moment to silently whisper a few words to the departed. Some took the time to give their last respects at the grave itself. None broke the silence that had laid itself so heavily upon those gathered. The sound of hoof steps as they slowly filed out was only occasional masked by the sorrow of the living. Tears fell to the ground, unnoticed, and without a sound.

Soon, only seven mares remained. Each had their own reasons, their own respects to pay, their own requests to make.

An orange earth pony stepped up first. She removed her stetson hat, gazing down at the coffin in the ground. For a time, she stood there, silently. Then she spoke; "Ah guess," a sniffle as she fought back tears. "Ah guess I'll see you on tha other side." With a dry sob she lifted the shovel that lay on the ground, and sent a mound of dirt down onto the coffin. The mare turned and left, only returning her hat to her head as an afterthought.

The next pony walked up. Her pink mane lay as strait as the tracks her tears ran down her cheeks. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to find the words. They slowly came. "I... i miss you... don't have too much fun without me, okay?." She lifted the shovel, and send another pile of dirt down. With a sob she turned, bolting away from the site, her tears finally flowing freely.

The remaining mares turned to watch her leave. They barely reacted.

A white unicorn walked up next, blinking back her own tears. She refused to look at the grave. She stood there, staring off after her friend, unsure of what to do. Then she spoke. "Keep watch over her, and make sure she never cries again." With a small grunt she lifted the shovel, sending a larger chunk of dirt down into the grave. With a deep sigh she turned and left, galloping off after her friend.

A yellow pegasus fluttered up next, her lips trembling. She shoveled a pile of dirt into the hole silently. She bowed her head, tears streaming off her cheeks. Without a word she took off into the sky, never looking back.

The three remaining mares looked up to watch her leave. The oldest stepped forward, her usually prismatic and blowing mane hang limp and pink around her. She sat at the edge, staring down, unblinking. "You were a true friend until the end, my little pony." With a sad smile she stood, levitating a large portion of the remaining earth into the ground. She stepped back, waiting for the others.

The next mare stepped up. She too sat in front of the grave, her face a mask for her emotions. Her coat was as blue as the event. "And even at the end, you kept true to yourself, knowing it would cost you your life." With a shake of her head she lifted the remained of the dirt and neatly placed it, smoothing out the top. She stepped back and sat next to her sister.

The last pony stepped up. Her purple mane was disheveled, her violet coat matted from her tears. From her back she lifted a simple gold necklace, with an empty setting in the shape of a lightning bolt. She gently placed in the the ground, enchanting it so it could never be moved. She then lifted and placed the headstone just above it, using her magic to inscribe upon it.

"My friend, you shall be missed," her words were barely above whispers, but all remaining heard them. Even the wind and the animals had fallen silent in reverence. "But we have paid our respects, and we have, however unwillingly, buried our friend." She bowed her head, a few tears dripping off. She let off a small, harsh laugh. "You told us not to cry at your funeral. Sorry about that." She looked up to the sky and the gathering clouds, a weak smile spreading across her face. "Wherever you are, whomever you're with, whatever you're doing, I hope it's all you hoped it would be." A deep sigh as stepped back to the others. "Goodbye, my friend."

In a flash of light she vanished, a few last tears dropping to the ground. Another two flashes shot out as she was shortly followed by the other two.

It began to rain. Water pounded the fresh earth, but ran off before soaking into the ground. Animals scurried around, but never set foot on the grave. Leaves blew, but never fell upon the sacred ground. For a moment, it seemed it would forever stay blank, a scar on the earth just as it would remain a scar in so many hearts. Then, from just below the necklace, an oak tree sprout shot up, it's leaves reaching for the sky.

Here lies Rainbow Dash
A Hero A Friend
And Loyal to the end.

Comments

[MrNumbers]

Read this and try again.

[Slateblu1]

3973972
Whether or not you liked my story isn't really a concern of mine. However, due to your response, I am curious. If you didn't like it, feel free to say so. If you feel that I should have done something differently, go ahead and tell me.

Your comment is very vague and useless, as far as I'm concerned. From what I gather, you seem to think the entire story is a failure, and you just don't like it as a whole. Which is fine, but mildly annoying to me. I know I have room to grow as an author, and I welcome constructive criticism. Your comment, however, seems to be the random thoughts of a troll.

I'm really at a loss for how to appropriately respond to you, for I don't understand what you're trying to say to me.

[MrNumbers]

Whether or not you liked my story isn't really a concern of mine.

It should be. Whether the audience likes your story is your first, last and every concern in between.

sound to brake

Last Rights

Break. Rites. Learn your homophones.

A stiffed

Stifled. Don't use words you don't know.

They slowly came. "I.... I miss you.... Don't have too much fun without me, Okay?."

Ellipsis use three dots and no capital letter afterwards.

lip trembling

Singular, not plural. If it's meant to be only one of her lips specify upper or lower.

Miscellaneous problems are numerous capitalization errors, run-on sentences, poor construction, lackluster characterization (even if the dialogue itself was decent) and a tendency to rely too heavily on metaphors you think sound good but don't quite carry the meaning you need it to.

Thus, the link.

[Slateblu1]

3974228 First, thank you for pointing out the errors. You could have done that in your first post. And I'd like to remind you that nobody is perfect. I made mistakes, no need to attack my ability to write.

As for the things pointed out in your last paragraph, I wrote the story the way I did, with long sentences and little construction and almost no characterization for a reason. As for the metaphors, I didn't intentionally include any.

[Some random Rapidash]

Pretty decent story.

[TexPony]

I got sad. But I do feel it is a bit short to cause actual tears to fall. It was a great story and a nice read but maybe try for a bit longer. Have a good one, friend.

[Diamond Sparkle]

Nice. Unusual in a pegasus being buried instead of cremated. I like it.

[Just Jack]

I wanna know how she died...